Went from having a secure future to being virtually unemployed in a week. Not seeing any other way out of this

[roguetrader]

It seems OP has more going on than JUST the employment issue - just because he's from a privileged background doesn't make his suffering invalid.

Having high expectations in life can sometimes bring lots of pain. I would guess that OP has not had too many obstacles or "failures" prior to this....

 

[Greenberg]

Haha, this is like some laughable bullshit you'd hear in some sort of motivational seminar for wannabe entrepreneurs.

The idea that you can just cultivate this kind of hard-headed resilience and steely-outlook is complete nonsense perpetuated by the self-help industry.

If Abraham Lincoln did it, you can too! What's that? You're chronically depressed? Shut up, pussy! If another human being with different genes, a different upbringing and who was born in an entirely different historical period can do it, then why can't you?!

Sorry for sarcasm, but it's just such a simple, unnuanced, one dimensional take on OP's problems.

It seems OP has more going on than JUST the employment issue - just because he's from a privileged background doesn't make his suffering invalid.

You are not helping... Your sarcasm lacks merit.

I never invalidated his suffering; I simply reframed his situation, even he agrees with my responses.

 

[mini_weeny]

Regarding the last statement. This is a large part of why I cannot cope. This is how people in this profession think and how my family functions. It is all about making comparisons to others and caring what other people think about you. This situation honestly reminds me much of the way the Japanese army generals acted at the conclusion of WWII. They killed themselves as soon as the surrender agreement was signed because they felt it was better to be dead with their dignity and free-will intact than to live a life of shame and defeat. This is a methodology of thinking that goes back to the Middle Ages in Japan (samurai/bushido) and it is honestly why I am struggling so much right now. There is no way I can hide this from anyone. At least not for long. People will all find out. Oh btw, my siblings are all super competitive with me and treat me horribly (even my twin brother). I can't deal with how he we will act towards me when he eventually finds out what happened.

Yes and it's a toxic environment with toxic attitude and people, you deserve better! Humanity thrives when there's cooperation instead of competition. Family can be our worst enemies but you come first always. There's no shame in things you can't control, you did your part. You are also being too harsh on yourself and giving your inner critic too much power. I know about that way of thinking, that's why suicide is so common in Japan to this day, it's something that's embedded in their culture. Stand your ground don't let yourself be bullied, I think you did a great job! We are allowed to fail sometimes, life comes with ups and downs... sometimes very serious downs but there's almost always a way to get back on track. Not all is lost for you. At the end of the day, sometimes ppl are not even thinking about you, sometimes we are not that important to others as we think, sometimes those people and their criticisms are just in our head or three no reason to care what they think about you because it's your life not theirs, if these pple can't be on your side to encourage you to keep going then you don't need them. You are valuable as you are.

 

[UnemployedMD]

Having high expectations in life can sometimes bring lots of pain. I would guess that OP has not had too many obstacles or "failures" prior to this....

I have had plenty of disappointments. Most of them related in some way to my career as that is basically been the bane of my existence until now, but certainly never anything as excruciating as this. I've generally reacted to obstacles well (like most people would eager to overcome them and prove themselves) but my personality has changed over time enduing trauma related to it and I've watched myself becoming increasingly more pessimistic and bitter over time. Even now trying to scramble for a position, I feel like I can't trust anyone who is genuinely trying to help me. I wish I could be the happy optimistic person I once was but I know that person died a very long time ago.

 

[Makko]

With respects to the bolded, I could be on the path to this scenario. It is partly up to chance if something turns around this year or the next or the next and that fear is what is driving me nuts and seeing death as potential but very permanent solution.

Everyone who wants a career has to climb this rampart to get inside the castle. Some people fall down and break their necks. You've barely started climbing, it wouldn't make any sense to fall down and break your neck now. Once you get really stuck, you'll notice, and you'll think entirely different thoughts. Right now you're looking up at the rampart from the ground, it looks ridiculously tall, it casts its shadow on you and you ask yourself how you will ever scale this thing. It will be another thing entirely when you've spent years climbing the rampart only to realise that you're not strong enough to get yourself to the other side. There's a big difference between "I'm almost at my limit but there's still a way forward" and "I'm doomed and there's nothing more left to do". You're nowhere near the latter yet. You could get there in time, but that will be in time, and you'll have a lot more perspective than you do now.

I wish I could be the happy optimistic person I once was but I know that person died a very long time ago.

You don't have to be optimistic. You have to be greedy. Your desire for the treasure at the end of the dungeon must come first, and it must be a desire that isn't going to stand down to unfavorable odds.

 

[Greenberg]

I think you have now made it very clear: it is about your family's ethos of what success represents. It is your perception of their disappointment in you that has caused you so much angst. May I ask if you had an opportunity to express your feelings with your parents; or is it something you are not allowed to discuss? Your dilemma is very layered as your parents may be living vicariously through you.

 

[kukukoko]

I know I have been spoiled

omg just the fact you are - on paper - a little bit luckier than the average, doesn't make you spoiled. And just because you may be better off than somebody else, doesn't make your problems less real or less painful.

+ it's good to share experiences but it's silly to compare. SaSu is not about 'who's worse off'. And it doesn't help: image you're depressed and go to a psychologist and s/he starts lecturing you how your depression is not real because his previous customer is much worse off. I mean wtf.

Anyway. I think you are in a temporal hardcore emotional turmoil because it's pretty recent, and you'll probably be still distressed in a couple of weeks/months but you'll definitely be more calm by then. So I think the suicide might be too much due to the heat of the moment. Which you may want to wait out until you're a little bit more calm to make a more rational decision. But at the same time the plan to swim out and shoot yourself is pretty solid with pretty high chance of success.

I'm not 100% sure how the process in the US really works, but I can't imagine that there won't be any chance to get a residency placement after 12 months, especially if you move to a rural hospital?

you could use the time to get some other (medical related) skills. I think if you could get a job on the business side of the hospital (and/or take a course), you'd get valuable experience which could help you later on. And I think that the majority of people will be understanding of your situation + the bussiness side will probably have regular working hours and be less stressful than medschool, so it might be like a holiday for a workaholic :D

May army be a possibility? I think they'd love to get a doc without paying for the education.

 

[UnemployedMD]

I think you have now made it very clear: it is about your family's ethos of what success represents. It is your perception of their disappointment in you that has caused you so much angst. May I ask if you had an opportunity to express your feelings with your parents; or is it something you are not allowed to discuss? Your dilemma is very layered as your parents may be living vicariously through you.

Feelings about what? My disillusionment with this week then yes they have heard and experienced it all with me over that time and know exactly how I feel about it.

About my parents living vicariously though me or the idea of how much of my worth I have invested in their perception of me: I'm sure I've said that to them at some point recently (still can't even really think clearly or remember how many things I've said that I normally wouldn't over the past couple days). They deny it and say that's not true and that they would have been proud of me no matter what I achieved. But both them and I know this is not true, even if they say that. Their actions and teachings in the past (at least from my perspective) have never insinuated that in any way. For example, when I was a child I had a real interest for aviation and wanted to be an airline pilot. I remember when I was 14 and a freshman in high school, going to visit an aeronautical college to learn more about it. My parents were against it and would say things like "you would just be a glorified bus driver" or "you are too smart to be a pilot," etc. I quickly dropped that ambition shortly after even though I think that is something I could have really excelled at.

The darker stuff: I am trying to spare them of the full dose of it but I'm sure they know most of it at this point.

This is probably the first time in my entire life I have ever been completely open with anyone (parents, strangers, etc) about my true feelings about things like this.

 

[Greenberg]

Feelings about what? My disillusionment with this week then yes they have heard and experienced it all with me over that time and know exactly how I feel about it.

About my parents living vicariously though me or the idea of how much of my worth I have invested in their perception of me: I'm sure I've said that to them at some point recently (still can't even really think clearly or remember how many things I've said that I normally wouldn't over the past couple days). They deny it and say that's not true and that they would have been proud of me no matter what I achieved. But both them and I know this is not true, even if they say that. Their actions and teachings in the past (at least from my perspective) have never insinuated that in any way. For example, when I was a child I had a real interest for aviation and wanted to be an airline pilot. I remember when I was 14 and a freshman in high school, going to visit an aeronautical college to learn more about it. My parents were against it and would say things like "you would just be a glorified bus driver" or "you are too smart to be a pilot," etc. I quickly dropped that ambition shortly after even though I think that is something I could have really excelled at.

The darker stuff: I am trying to spare them of the full dose of it but I'm sure they know most of it at this point.

This is probably the first time in my entire life I have ever been completely open with anyone (parents, strangers, etc) about my true feelings about things like this.

I see you were not able to pursue (or actualize with) a career where you had ambition. You did exactly what an obedient son would do, that is to listen and follow your parents' advice. Your dilemma indeed is multi-layered but you have finally, I believe, have unpacked it for us.

With that being said: Would you live your life for your parents; or a life you have chosen for yourself? With the former, CTB is a logical choice; with the latter, however, your future is yet to be written. It is never too late to start! I now present the problem back to you.

Best regards, G

 

[Pharmaruined]

My parents have had very smooth lives. Occasional hiccups along the way like everyone but nothing ever major or even close to what I am dealing with. They came from middle class backgrounds themselves, but both excelled rapidly at their academic pursuits, trained at super elite institutions and performed better than I could have ever done. Even when they are seemingly in trouble THEY ALWAYS find a way out of it. I feel like I just have some curse on my life that prevents me from getting anything done even when I am inches away. I know it sounds ridiculous but sometimes it seems like the universe is just playing a joke on me. Most kids are supposed to do at least the same or better than their parents. Even though my parents assure me they don't feel this way, I know going to the shittier medical school I did and now having this failed job search process on my record means they just look down at me as a source of embarrassment.

You have their genes.. quit getting in your own head. You're at the finish line.. the proverbial last leg , don't chop it off ..
sounds like there's still a chance and you're more afraid of the outcome, as it's not over yet and you know it. Quitting now is more
Comfortable. Well boo fucking hoo..
Just my humble opinion.. good luck .. play some rocky music and keep fighting . This is life.. often cruel yes but sweet as well. The people here are broken.. you are NOT.. sorry..

seriously,10 years, completed med school. ayfkm.
You're not a loser quit acting like one. Doesn't matter what society or family says. You're kicking ass

 

[mini_weeny]

You have their genes.. quit getting in your own head. You're at the finish line.. the proverbial last leg , don't chop it off ..
sounds like there's still a chance and you're more afraid of the outcome, as it's not over yet and you know it. Quitting now is more
Comfortable. Well boo fucking hoo..
Just my humble opinion.. good luck .. play some rocky music and keep fighting . This is life.. often cruel yes but sweet as well. The people here are broken.. you are NOT.. sorry..

seriously,10 years, completed med school. ayfkm.
You're not a loser quit acting like one. Doesn't matter what society or family says. You're kicking ass

Well that's a bit unfair; ppl can get burn out from too much stress too, people can get hopeless from many things. I think @UnemployedMD need support too, you don't have to be physically or mentally ill to be suicidal, we don't know what kind of stuff he has to live with every day so give him a break, you don't end up here for nothing! There's ppl who want to ctb for a breakup with a two week relationship so it's more than fair to be here from burn out and pressure from family.

 

[HelloHell]

Im not too familiar with the system in the US, but I believe you finished your MD education and failed to get a residency position?

First of all, congratulations on finishing your MD education! It took you so many years and i think you did a really great job just by finishing it. I think you have been stressing yourself too much with all those years in med school. So, when the news came that you didn't get a residency position, it shocked you and made you feel like you failed. Of course, it's your choice if you want to ctb, but I'd say give it more time? Take a break for a while and give yourself a well-deserved rest. Don't think about your career for a while, and refresh your mind. Once you're in a better state, come back and see your situation with a fresh mind. Maybe by then you'll see new ways on how to go about your situation, new opportunities maybe? If by then you still want to ctb, I have no right to stop you.

 

[Escape Artist]

I feel like such a complete asshole bitching about this now when there are people like you and those you've mentioned that have been enduring hardships that frankly I have never even imagined being in.

No way. Not an asshole at all. It's clear you're in an unbelievable amount of pain. I think we're all equal when we reach the juncture of seriously contemplating ending our lives. There's no comparing what our lives look like or who's supposed to be ok with it. Some poor people I know have a blast, some very sick people are glad to be alive. It can happen any time and it's no less valid in my opinion.

 

[fred farkle]

Just be sure you really want to end it all and have tried everything you can before you catch the bus. Once you do it, there's no going back, so there's no need to rush. Frankly, I wish I were in your position.

my god id be so happy to be this guy. doc,you have no idea how bad life can be!
but i am sympathetic! yes youve been fucked over,fuck them!!!!! there must be a way you can get a position.maybe another country!?? well good luck.

 

[ShaMD]

Sorry that you're going through all of this. I've had several friends who went unmatched in prior years and saw the effects it had on them. I can tell you this much, all have succeeded in subsequent years when re-applying. That being said, even if you don't ultimately land a spot, please don't consider this to be the end-all. There are so many more lucrative and fulfilling nonclinical careers out there. Some that pay even better than the clinical careers. Check out nonclinicalcareers.com.

I have also seen friends from Caribbean medical schools who went on to practice without a residency in states like Missouri. In fact, one used this time to gain clinical experience prior to re-applying and is now at the Mayo Cinic. I know it's a huge let down having not landed a spot and coming down to the end after busting your butt for so long. Take some time off to yourself and recoup, don't go immediately back to it. Spend a month or two taking a much deserved break after the grind of school.

I also know the stress of losing an entire career; I was in my third year of anesthesia residency when I lost it all. I'm now 500k in student loan debt and can no longer practice. Keep your head up and keep pushing man, there are other path's out there, but I ultimately know that if you keep at it you will get what you are seeking.

 

[fred farkle]

how did you lose your residency,Sha??

 

[mini_weeny]

Sorry that you're going through all of this. I've had several friends who went unmatched in prior years and saw the effects it had on them. I can tell you this much, all have succeeded in subsequent years when re-applying. That being said, even if you don't ultimately land a spot, please don't consider this to be the end-all. There are so many more lucrative and fulfilling nonclinical careers out there. Some that pay even better than the clinical careers. Check out nonclinicalcareers.com.

I have also seen friends from Caribbean medical schools who went on to practice without a residency in states like Missouri. In fact, one used this time to gain clinical experience prior to re-applying and is now at the Mayo Cinic. I know it's a huge let down having not landed a spot and coming down to the end after busting your butt for so long. Take some time off to yourself and recoup, don't go immediately back to it. Spend a month or two taking a much deserved break after the grind of school.

I also know the stress of losing an entire career; I was in my third year of anesthesia residency when I lost it all. I'm now 500k in student loan debt and can no longer practice. Keep your head up and keep pushing man, there are other path's out there, but I ultimately know that if you keep at it you will get what you are seeking.

Can't believe how expensive it is to study in your country and how there are no free universities like in other countries. Its awful the way the American system works, it fucks it's citizens in all aspects of life from healthcare to getting a career. No wonder there's so much drug abuse. Not that my country is amazing but at least there are two free medical schools plus private schools.

 

[UnemployedMD]

Yep it's super expensive. Even more absurd is that the system will fund thousands of spots to doctors living in other countries each year without this debt wanting to train here and give them residency spots, in many cases before its own citizens and leave them with this kind of ridiculous debt. American values in looking out for its own went out the window a long time ago. In a lot of ways I think my upper class/protected background may have actually hurt my prospects. The trend now is to give everyone points who "diversify" medicine and a stereotypical young white male from a wealthy background isn't the kind of people the system deems fashionable to move up in the ranks of life right now. All additional things I can't control which were once seen as attributes and are now looked upon in a negative way.

 

[Desdemona]

To me, it sounds a bit like you were pressured into this career by family to "keep up with appearances", is that not right? And it sounds like it's been a bit of a struggle (I mean, I'm sure medical school is very tough). Something's missing from this story though. Was it really the algorithm? I don't want to make you feel worse here, but I'm just confused, how does someone who invests thousands of dollars into a program and "meets all the checkboxes" not get matched with any programs? Just trying to understand the system.

You seem young, healthy, and very smart (you got into med school!) I have a good amount of friends who went that route and I saw the work it required so I know it's not easy. We all have issues in life (relationships, trying to please family members, career issues, etc). As someone said above, unfortunately sometimes we work really hard and don't get what we want.

What are some things people in your position tend to do?

 

[UnemployedMD]

To me, it sounds a bit like you were pressured into this career by family to "keep up with appearances", is that not right? And it sounds like it's been a bit of a struggle (I mean, I'm sure medical school is very tough). Something's missing from this story though. Was it really the algorithm? I don't want to make you feel worse here, but I'm just confused, how does someone who invests thousands of dollars into a program and "meets all the checkboxes" not get matched with any programs? Just trying to understand the system.

You seem young, healthy, and very smart (you got into med school!) I have a good amount of friends who went that route and I saw the work it required so I know it's not easy. We all have issues in life (relationships, trying to please family members, career issues, etc). As someone said above, unfortunately sometimes we work really hard and don't get what we want.

What are some things people in your position tend to do?

Yes I was pressured at first, but I did truly come to enjoy many aspects of it over time and did find areas that fit in well with my personality.

There Is nothing really missing. Anyone who has ever read this thread over the past day are the only people on this planet who now know the whole uncensored thing. This came down to a matter of luck and even my academic advisors are puzzled how it happened. I'm sure I go into more detail in a earlier post I made on this thread but it is a system that usually gets people what they want out of it, but through minor statistical flaws always leads to a minority of candidates just falling through the cracks and ending up without any spot. Like I said it is a minority as nearly 94% of candidates secure a position this way. I had above the average number of ranks too in this algorithm so my relative chances may have been even greater. I am totally willing to take responsibility for things when I truly mess up, but this one really feels like pure and utter misfortune out of my control. And the worst part is, I have to go around pretending like I did something to make this happen if asked about it at future interviews (if they ever come) self-deprecating and trying to find flaws in myself which is what they want you to say. Just thinking about having to do potentially do that months from now while my classmates have already moved on with their lives and started their own residencies makes me nauseous.

 

[UnemployedMD]

There seem to be a lot of resources online that discuss what steps can be taken if you don't match with a program. Like you said, it happens to others and they're able to bounce back from it right?. Just coming from someone who's in their 20's and is home bound from chronic pain that destroyed my life, please don't kill yourself. Take some time off if you need a break, it sounds like you're relatively financially stable and have the support of your parents. I'm sure they'd rather have you in a non prestigious specialty or even a different job than not have you around at all.

Giving up now while you've come all this way sounds silly. Even as a doctor you're bound to come across other hardships in life, you shouldn't just give up that easily and call it quits after coming all this way. Just my two cents.

If you truly feel that you're cut out to be a GOOD doctor and want to help people, and not in it just for the prestige and the cushy lifestyle, then I would do everything in my power to get there, even if it takes taking a position that's "below" you. It will be a humbling experience too

I mean is it wrong to be in it for both? Of course I like the fact that your career as a doctor is not spent screwing other people over like it is in most other white collar professions so I've always seen that as a plus. But the prestige/well compensated lifestyle is an important factor too and anyone in medicine who tells you they don't care about this aspect at all is lying. In my case I care about the prestige/status along with the ability to take care of patients the most. The compensation is the least important thing to me but that is probably a byproduct of money never being something I've needed to think about more than anything else.

What is making me want to ctb is this feeling of complete burnout and exhaustion that has awoken more demons inside me than anything I would have ever thought I could experience.

 

[everydayiloveyou]

Damn pre-meds are already plenty scary, I can only imagine how cutthroat and high-pressure it gets once you get to the big leagues. There's a lot to lose and by this point you've already put in lots of time that you cant get back. Its perfectly reasonable. You're not alone in this, sure you're a pretty special case since you're a doctor and all, but failure feels like failure to everyone.

Is this your first time considering ctb? This intense emotion is normal in dire circumstances, maybe in med school no one wanted to admit it, but depression, shame, failure, and intense anxiety are feelings everyone will experience at some point, even people who lead successful lives. Doctors as a profession have one of the highest rates of suicide, it sounds like the stigma combined with the competitiveness of the field often puts this kind of strain on people.

I agree with everyone else. You have lots of potential, while it may feel like your life is over, it isn't really over. You'll wake up a year from now, and not being placed will not have killed you. Its in your hands. You can always ctb later. There's no rush, if your life still sucks a year or two from now, then you can weigh your options again.

I think you should see a therapist, feeling like you wanna kill yourself is bound to happen to most people but thinking of your exact method and registering on a site like this isn't. You have the financial means to get adequate care, you should ask your parents for their support. I'm sure they will understand why you're so hurt by this. you dont sound like youre severely impaired by mental illness like other some people on here are. You got through medical school and even though you say your relationships can be troubled, it doesnt sound like youre super socially impaired or bizarre. You have a bright outlook, seriously. This is something you could survive.

Just because your parents/med school peers act like you're not living life if you're not a doctor, doesn't mean that's reality. So far you've been living in a very manufactured form of reality where hard work and statistics must cause certain outcomes for everyone. But the world isn't like that, bad and unpredictable things happen sometimes for no reason. Go out there and do something else with your life if you want. There's no path or rules you have to follow. That's all made up. Your choices are your own, and there's lots of opportunities to help people with the knowledge you've gained so far.

You said you were aiming for a psychiatric residency. Idk how med school works, maybe you've already dealt with severely mentally ill people before? What would you tell a patient if they've just flunked out of high school and tells you that they want to swim into the ocean and shoot themselves? I'm sure you would have consideration for them and do your best to treat them. You need to treat yourself with that same thoughtfulness and forgiveness, give yourself that treatment, and think things through. Good luck, I hope you feel better.

 

[Pharmaruined]

Well that's a bit unfair; ppl can get burn out from too much stress too, people can get hopeless from many things. I think @UnemployedMD need support too, you don't have to be physically or mentally ill to be suicidal, we don't know what kind of stuff he has to live with every day so give him a break, you don't end up here for nothing! There's ppl who want to ctb for a breakup with a two week relationship so it's more than fair to be here from burn out and pressure from family.

Yep I've seen people here because they burnt the toast or have a zit.. So many weak people it's insane. Hopefully op is just going through a mood and will find his way, he's got all the tools. Some people don't need coddling.. some do for sure but I don't sense it here and I expressed it.

 

[UnemployedMD]

Damn pre-meds are already plenty scary, I can only imagine how cutthroat and high-pressure it gets once you get to the big leagues. There's a lot to lose and by this point you've already put in lots of time that you cant get back. Its perfectly reasonable. You're not alone in this, sure you're a pretty special case since you're a doctor and all, but failure feels like failure to everyone.

Is this your first time considering ctb? This intense emotion is normal in dire circumstances, maybe in med school no one wanted to admit it, but depression, shame, failure, and intense anxiety are feelings everyone will experience at some point, even people who lead successful lives. Doctors as a profession have one of the highest rates of suicide, it sounds like the stigma combined with the competitiveness of the field often puts this kind of strain on people.

I agree with everyone else. You have lots of potential, while it may feel like your life is over, it isn't really over. You'll wake up a year from now, and not being placed will not have killed you. Its in your hands. You can always ctb later. There's no rush, if your life still sucks a year or two from now, then you can weigh your options again.

I think you should see a therapist, feeling like you wanna kill yourself is bound to happen to most people but thinking of your exact method and registering on a site like this isn't. You have the financial means to get adequate care, you should ask your parents for their support. I'm sure they will understand why you're so hurt by this. you dont sound like youre severely impaired by mental illness like other some people on here are. You got through medical school and even though you say your relationships can be troubled, it doesnt sound like youre super socially impaired or bizarre. You have a bright outlook, seriously. This is something you could survive.

Just because your parents/med school peers act like you're not living life if you're not a doctor, doesn't mean that's reality. So far you've been living in a very manufactured form of reality where hard work and statistics must cause certain outcomes for everyone. But the world isn't like that, bad and unpredictable things happen sometimes for no reason. Go out there and do something else with your life if you want. There's no path or rules you have to follow. That's all made up. Your choices are your own, and there's lots of opportunities to help people with the knowledge you've gained so far.

You said you were aiming for a psychiatric residency. Idk how med school works, maybe you've already dealt with severely mentally ill people before? What would you tell a patient if they've just flunked out of high school and tells you that they want to swim into the ocean and shoot themselves? I'm sure you would have consideration for them and do your best to treat them. You need to treat yourself with that same thoughtfulness and forgiveness, give yourself that treatment, and think things through. Good luck, I hope you feel better.

When I was a child I never would have imagined ctb as a way out. Probably the first time the thought even crossed my head was when I was a premed when stress would get high but it would pass quickly and never really change my course. When I got to medical school is when the thoughts became more serious. Still nothing I have ever acted on though I was close about two years ago. Nothing has pushed me closer to it than where I am now. (studies have shown roughly 1/3 of medical students admit to having have thoughts of ctb in this country, WITHOUT having gone through the trauma I experienced last week). It's not like I am reacting emotionally and rash to something fresh. I mean to an extent I am, but the way I feel now is not an unfamiliar feeling and I just feel like I have reached the end with what I have left. I know I can try again, the odds as I said only going to down from here, and if I have to do any of the humiliating things I am expected to do over the next year to get out of this, and still end up with nothing, I will just kill myself then in an even more exhausted and broken place than I am in now. People are telling me that you can get a spot next year, do things to boost your application, etc. Perhaps it is not a fair analogy but I feel like hearing this is essentially like telling someone with a 50/50 cancer prognosis about some research study they can be in, their chemo options, etc just to make them feel better and keep fighting. Honestly I would rather prefer this scenario because at least if things don't work out there, the universe will just take care of the rest for you and put an end to your suffering.

Yes I know that bad and unpredictable things happen to people sometimes, but damn I wish a truck could have just hit me last Sunday night instead as opposed to this.

I have dealt with severely mentally ill people before in one of the most destitute and poverty stricken regions of my country. Many of them frankly have almost no hope at all (severe drug abuse, criminal tendencies, zero resources, on top of a system that has REALLY given up on them the likes of which I probably don't understand) but I have learned a lot from them in realizing how unfair the world is and how we are not all born equally even if that's what we are taught in elementary school. Obviously if I walked into a hospital and interviewed myself, I would order myself involuntarily admitted to the inpatient psych unit as is the protocol when anyone expresses a verbal or written intention of ctb (especially if a plan is in place or they have access to firearms). LOL I never would have bought so many guns over the years had I known I was this out of mind. I seriously didn't know up until last week. It is a ironic though that I was literally an inch away from becoming a psych doctor and am now acting like nothing short of a psych inpatient. It's particularly distressing because I feel like I am aware enough to actually see what it going on here with my psych falling apart. Every person has a limit that can bring them to this point. I actually think I am pretty strong for making it this far. I really don't think there is any (at least major) underlying psychological disorder that is holding me back here. It is all situational/environmental and there is no pill or therapy that can fix that for me. I honestly have not been driven to tears over something since I was a child. Even deaths in my immediate family couldn't bring me to that as that has all made sense. What has happened to me really feels like it doesn't.

 

[ShaMD]

how did you lose your residency,Sha??

Poor life choices, self-inflicted. I was seeking ways to numb out in unhealthy ways.

 

[fatiguecentral]

It sounds like you have worked very hard for a long time and have not seen the fruits of your labour.

The pathway to medicine is cut-throat competitive, and med school is incredibly intense. The stress during these years must have only been increasing. On top of that, the pressure from your parents and your own expectations would have made your stress all the heavier. I'm not sure if you would have had time during these years to give yourself a break.

You have worked very hard and made sacrifices to pursue this career, and being in this situation must be unbelievably gut-wrenching.

I do not know how this system works, but I would assume there is still a way for you to become a doctor, even if it take some more years? I am sorry you are in this situation.

 

[summers]

@UnemployedMD I had a friend who worked as a HS biology teacher as a stop gap between finishing medical school and getting accepted into a residency. No reason you couldn't do that or teach at the college level.

Edit: not 100%, but couldn't you work as a researcher for a pharmaceutical company also? How much would you have to do to get a phd in biology or chemistry?

 

[DeathWish89]

@UnemployedMD I had a friend who worked as a HS biology teacher as a stop gap between finishing medical school and getting accepted into a residency. No reason you couldn't do that or teach at the college level.

Edit: not 100%, but couldn't you work as a researcher for a pharmaceutical company also? How much would you have to do to get a phd in biology or chemistry?

A PhD is totally different than a degree in medicine. He'd essentially be starting from scratch and PhD's take like 4-6 years to complete. Highly doubt OP would want to go this route, but correct me if I'm wrong, OP. :)

 

[summers]

A PhD is totally different than a degree in medicine. He'd essentially be starting from scratch and PhD's take like 4-6 years to complete. Highly doubt OP would want to go this route, but correct me if I'm wrong, OP. :)

Honestly, he should have went that way in the first place. A principal researcher for a major pharmaceutical company makes about the same as a medical doctor. No residency, and maybe 1/4 of the education costs.

Then you can always supplement your income teaching at a university as an adjunct.

 

[UnemployedMD]

A PhD is totally different than a degree in medicine. He'd essentially be starting from scratch and PhD's take like 4-6 years to complete. Highly doubt OP would want to go this route, but correct me if I'm wrong, OP. :)

I would rather ctb than go through another 4-6 years of this. I am out of gas and don't have anything left to give because I've already spent half of my life putting energy (Time and money) into a machine that hasn't given me ANYTHING back.

I poured everything in me to getting to this juncture where it actually starts to give you something back and right at that moment, whole thing collapsed around me and no one even has any answer to how it happened.