Well, on the 12th attempt...

[VolatilePotato]

So...I've already kinda posted about this, but my main goal is to cease existence atm. I've attempted quite a few times this year already and to mo avail. Things that should have killed me have not and it's been frustrating. I know some would take that as a sign if I were religious at all, but my methods have gotten more and more aggressive because of it instead. It's been a terrible start to the year. I lost my job, lost my relationship, who I believe was my twin flame, and about 2 weeks away from being evicted. The mental and emotional turmoil I've suffered is unbearable, and no one understands this innate need to want to die. I had a good year last year. I got sober. I didnt attempt once last year after attempting at least 3 times a year the past 7 years. I met what I thought was the love of my life, went through treatment, got an apartment. For once, things were falling into place. And then just as suddenly, it all fell apart. So fast. And I started this year with 10 attempts since Jsnuary. I feel like I've failed. I feel alone and tortured by my own mistakes. And I'm just tired of trying. I wanted to. I tried for once to do the right thing but I couldn't keep it together. And in top of everything, i finally got my diagnosis for BPD
( Borferline). So any emotional fluctuation I've had is increased by 1000. So idk. I'm just completely out of spoons and have no desire to try anymore. Thanks for reading. I hope this can be relatable to someone, and that you all find peace.

 

[Lostnotfound]

I hear you. Its probably of no comfort - I know its not when people say it to me, but I connect with you on the basis that your wanting to ctb is due to circumstances and not due to a terminal illness like cancer etc. I get so annoyed when people say I have nothing to moan about as I am not dealing with terminal illness. Why cant people accept that everyone has a level where life becomes too much no matter what the circumstances, and at that point we all want to ctb. I am in that place also, went from relationship, home, family, money etc. Bloody brilliant life to it all being gone within 12 hours and now have no one or nothing and I am also ready to ctb so I know just how you feel. A diagnosis makes no difference, a label doesn't stop the feelings, its irrelevant. I don't know that anything I say will help but I hear you and I understand.

 

[VolatilePotato]

I hear you. Its probably of no comfort - I know its not when people say it to me, but I connect with you on the basis that your wanting to ctb is due to circumstances and not due to a terminal illness like cancer etc. I get so annoyed when people say I have nothing to moan about as I am not dealing with terminal illness. Why cant people accept that everyone has a level where life becomes too much no matter what the circumstances, and at that point we all want to ctb. I am in that place also, went from relationship, home, family, money etc. Bloody brilliant life to it all being gone within 12 hours and now have no one or nothing and I am also ready to ctb so I know just how you feel. A diagnosis makes no difference, a label doesn't stop the feelings, its irrelevant. I don't know that anything I say will help but I hear you and I understand.

This is exactly it. I wish people understood that. I have a weird view on life. People put so much emphasis on pushing forward, moving on, getting over it, etc. But I truly believe some of us are just meant to die. But that's just me.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I'm so sorry. From what little I understand of BPD it is a punishing condition and really hard to live with. I hope you ultimately make the right decision for yourself.

 

[Cherrybreeze]

This is exactly it. I wish people understood that. I have a weird view on life. People put so much emphasis on pushing forward, moving on, getting over it, etc. But I truly believe some of us are just meant to die. But that's just me.

I'm so sorry to hear of your troubles. I'm dealing with the same - I've lost everything and everyone in the last year or so. I've said many times, some people just aren't meant for this life...no one gets it.

I wish you peace however you find it. If you want to talk, PM me.

 

[SuicideBoys93]

Very relatable, felt like I was turning the curve on my way back, and I nose dived hard. I opened up to my wife, and ever since then feel like she's distancing herself from me. It sucks, but I understand. She's trying to manage the pain she'll feel. The issue I have is that I'm here now. Alive, and in the flesh. It's like I'm already counted off to be dead lol. Makes my impulses much stronger saying you see you have nothing here or nobody supporting. It's time to go. Stuck wondering how long I'll let this ride when my SN is set to be delivered on Wednesday.

 

[Cherrybreeze]

Very relatable, felt like I was turning the curve on my way back, and I nose dived hard. I opened up to my wife, and ever since then feel like she's distancing herself from me. It sucks, but I understand. She's trying to manage the pain she'll feel. The issue I have is that I'm here now. Alive, and in the flesh. It's like I'm already counted off to be dead lol. Makes my impulses much stronger saying you see you have nothing here or nobody supporting. It's time to go. Stuck wondering how long I'll let this ride when my SN is set to be delivered on Wednesday.

It's like this with my boyfriend...well, now ex, I guess. :( We've has a rough go since things started getting really bad for me, and I know the best thing for me to do is let him go. In the past I've always reassured him that I would try harder, things would improve, but I can see fully now that they won't, not for me, so he shouldn't wait around anymore. I'm almost talking him INTO it, as he's said now that he doesn't know what he wants and I'm telling him he should go. I've gotten pretty deep about it, and when I'm gone he'll understand why. I think he can read between the lines now, but if I say it outright he'll tell my family and they'll call the cops (not me, no, they won't call ME to check on me, but they'll call the police in a heartbeat). :(

All I want right now is someone to talk to, and a hug, and I have no one left for either. I'm not sure exactly what day my SN will arrive (We'd would be the earliest, and that's a long shot) but the time between now and then feels endless. And lonelier than I've ever felt before.

 

[VolatilePotato]

It's like this with my boyfriend...well, now ex, I guess. :( We've has a rough go since things started getting really bad for me, and I know the best thing for me to do is let him go. In the past I've always reassured him that I would try harder, things would improve, but I can see fully now that they won't, not for me, so he shouldn't wait around anymore. I'm almost talking him INTO it, as he's said now that he doesn't know what he wants and I'm telling him he should go. I've gotten pretty deep about it, and when I'm gone he'll understand why. I think he can read between the lines now, but if I say it outright he'll tell my family and they'll call the cops (not me, no, they won't call ME to check on me, but they'll call the police in a heartbeat). :(

All I want right now is someone to talk to, and a hug, and I have no one left for either. I'm not sure exactly what day my SN will arrive (We'd would be the earliest, and that's a long shot) but the time between now and then feels endless. And lonelier than I've ever felt before.

Inwanna make this very clear. I do not intend to trigger anyone or push them, convince them, what have you into any of this. I respect everyone's perspectives and feelings, I'm just sharing my own.



This is exactly it...I'm sorry for all that. This feeling, the amount if hardship or takea anyone to.get to.thst point is unimaginable unless you have felt that pain before. And it is. I feel lonely, isolated, cut off. One foot in the grave as they say. And it's this weird fine line I'd numb contrasted with intense pain. I'm just waiting to die.

 

[Cherrybreeze]

Inwanna make this very clear. I do not intend to trigger anyone or push them, convince them, what have you into any of this. I respect everyone's perspectives and feelings, I'm just sharing my own.



This is exactly it...I'm sorry for all that. This feeling, the amount if hardship or takea anyone to.get to.thst point is unimaginable unless you have felt that pain before. And it is. I feel lonely, isolated, cut off. One foot in the grave as they say. And it's this weird fine line I'd numb contrasted with intense pain. I'm just waiting to die.

I'm not sure what you were clarifying for exactly, I only meant that I'm helping my BF to leave me and be in his own. That staying together isn't good for him anymore. If I said something wrong, I apologize. :(

 

[VolatilePotato]

I'm not sure what you were clarifying for exactly, I only meant that I'm helping my BF to leave me and be in his own. That staying together isn't good for him anymore. If I said something wrong, I apologize. :(

No no not at all! It was more of a general statement not related to your comment specifically.

I'm so sorry. From what little I understand of BPD it is a punishing condition and really hard to live with. I hope you ultimately make the right decision for yourself.

It is...it just adds another level of instability and madness to an already unstable situation

 

[AlreadyGone]

I am sorry to hear this. But I hope you finally obtain what you seek.