Well, I guess I’m back & worse than ever

[lastlife_]

I used to use SS earlier in the year under the name hfdepression30 but left around April whilst I was sorting out my belongings on the chance I would catch the bus. I wasn't too, too active but I used to vent about my feelings and frustrations from time to time.

I don't know what happened between April and now that kept me going. I've still just been existing - literally. I gave up looking for a job and have just followed the same routine of waking up, surviving another day and going to sleep hoping that I won't wake up again. The least productive you could be, that was me. I know that's not fair in the sense of 'giving myself a chance' but I'm exhausted mentally and emotionally. No desire for life or living. Even if I inherited £1 million, I would still wish I was dead. Anyway..

I'm basically hanging on by a thread again. I feel totally pathetic because my life really is nothing and I'm sure most people, including myself, would say "I'd rather die than live that miserable, mundane existence", but I'm still here. I realise there will come a point where I will just have to suck it up and be strong enough to take control of my life to end my life. I wish it was more simpler and I didn't consider all the possibilities before, during and after. That b*stard survival deterrent.

I still google 'suicide' every day and read the latest news articles or stories. I can't help but compare myself. I'm a depressed and unemployed 31 year old man with absolutely no desire or motivation for life or living, yet I see stories like '56 year old wife hung herself', '28 year old man jumped to death due to debts' or '20 year old girl committed suicide due to failed exam error'. I know it doesn't make sense to compare problems but I just can't help it. I can't help but wonder what strength allowed them to go through with it and am I really that pathetic since I have nothing but still haven't done it yet?

I bought a bottle of wine yesterday to try and give myself some Dutch courage to go for it.. I'm hoping to try tonight. My preferred method is hanging for anyone curious. I know most people love SN on here but it's not for me. Hanging still has the highest statistic in suicide by method and, you know, I'm content with the odds.. anyway, I don't know what else to write right now..

 

[yive]

i remember you. i also wanted to go in april, but of course im still here, unfortunately... "worse than ever" description is suitable for me too. i wish you luck and peace

 

[lastlife_]

i remember you. i also wanted to go in april, but of course im still here, unfortunately... "worse than ever" description is suitable for me too. i wish you luck and peace

Sad to hear you're struggling the same battle with existence.. at least we're not alone in the way we feel, I guess

 

[FuneralCry]

Suicide is very difficult as we are programmed to survive, but I have similar thoughts when I see articles. However seeing that others have succeeded gives me more confidence that I can eventually go through with it. I believe that those who succeeded in ctb reached a point of desperation that allowed them to overcome the SI.
Life really is horrible, I also hope to fall asleep and never wake again. If suicide was easier I would already be gone. I wish you the best with your plans, I hope you find peace and freedom from suffering.

 

[Soapie]

i know its hard to believe but you are such a brave person. you've been struggling with this for 31 years and here you are. still here, still going. its a really fucking brave thing to do. i know it doesn't feel like it though. i m only 20 years old, i got an okay life overall, but im still miserable. but there's bravery there. im suffering and no one knows it , and that's brave. you're brave im brave. sorry if im rambling but im just really passionate about this i guess . you're a good person and the struggles you've faced arent negligible . you're suffering and no matter what specific events you've gone through people can still suffer. you're allowed to feel this and its okay

 

[LoveTakesManyForms]

I used to use SS earlier in the year under the name hfdepression30 but left around April whilst I was sorting out my belongings on the chance I would catch the bus. I wasn't too, too active but I used to vent about my feelings and frustrations from time to time.

I don't know what happened between April and now that kept me going. I've still just been existing - literally. I gave up looking for a job and have just followed the same routine of waking up, surviving another day and going to sleep hoping that I won't wake up again. The least productive you could be, that was me. I know that's not fair in the sense of 'giving myself a chance' but I'm exhausted mentally and emotionally. No desire for life or living. Even if I inherited £1 million, I would still wish I was dead. Anyway..

I'm basically hanging on by a thread again. I feel totally pathetic because my life really is nothing and I'm sure most people, including myself, would say "I'd rather die than live that miserable, mundane existence", but I'm still here. I realise there will come a point where I will just have to suck it up and be strong enough to take control of my life to end my life. I wish it was more simpler and I didn't consider all the possibilities before, during and after. That b*stard survival deterrent.

I still google 'suicide' every day and read the latest news articles or stories. I can't help but compare myself. I'm a depressed and unemployed 31 year old man with absolutely no desire or motivation for life or living, yet I see stories like '56 year old wife hung herself', '28 year old man jumped to death due to debts' or '20 year old girl committed suicide due to failed exam error'. I know it doesn't make sense to compare problems but I just can't help it. I can't help but wonder what strength allowed them to go through with it and am I really that pathetic since I have nothing but still haven't done it yet?

I bought a bottle of wine yesterday to try and give myself some Dutch courage to go for it.. I'm hoping to try tonight. My preferred method is hanging for anyone curious. I know most people love SN on here but it's not for me. Hanging still has the highest statistic in suicide by method and, you know, I'm content with the odds.. anyway, I don't know what else to write right now..

Hey dude, 30 year old severely depressed guy here.

Part of the reason hanging has the most deaths is the prevalence of ligatures with which to kill oneself, rather than the method's deadliness, although it is indeed deadly!

Can't help but ask: what is it about your life that makes you consider it "pathetic"? Unemployment? No desire to live?

I too feel that my life is pathetic. I used to be a drum tutor which was my passion, until I had a molar tooth removed, which screwed my bite up, placing pressure on my neck and shoulder which impinged/damaged a nerve, and now I can barely sleep let alone play. I get stabbing/burning pain in my head, right shoulder and right arm.
I stayed in shape for awhile through strenous effort but then the pain deteriorated and now I'm totally out of shape too.
Even typing this message brings some discomfort, but it sure is better than sitting here doing nothing!

Also I used to smoke weed to help me deal with the chronic pain of multiple knee injuries sustained in childhood (as well as PTSD, as the initial injury was an assault). It appears to have affected my mind quite negatively and drastically; I have body dysmorphic disorder; difficulty concentrating; am emotionally unstable; suffer intrusive, debilitating thoughts of death and despair; major depression, anxiety and anhedonia.
Add the loneliness of being largely confined to bed and you've got a pretty great situation for feeling like a fucking loser.

One thing that keeps me going is promising myself "if I've had to live this miserable a life, then I want to at least die in a good way", however my physical condition makes it very difficult to obtain means. I want to overdose on Heroin/fentanyl, or shoot myself in the face. Unfortunately all three are difficult to obtain in New Zealand.
So I've been working my way up to suicide by train... yikes. Or hanging. I just hate the feeling of choking and feel that it puts me through more anguish than necessary when faster methods are considered. There's too much time to ponder the Void and too much strugging for my taste.
I'd try decapitation using car but mine is currently out of action due to a sump issue... grrrr...

I know what you mean about "how do they manage it"? I know of a 17 year old that committed suicide by train not far from where I live.
All I know about him is that he was loved by many, however he didn't receive much love from his parents.
He was in a relationship with someone and cheated on them, which they then found out about. I guess he felt guilty and sad at losing a loving connection (considering the lack of loving connection between his parents and himself), thus creating the toxic circumstances leading to his death.

Makes me think "if a 17 year old can do this, so can I!"

i know its hard to believe but you are such a brave person. you've been struggling with this for 31 years and here you are. still here, still going. its a really fucking brave thing to do. i know it doesn't feel like it though. i m only 20 years old, i got an okay life overall, but im still miserable. but there's bravery there. im suffering and no one knows it , and that's brave. you're brave im brave. sorry if im rambling but im just really passionate about this i guess . you're a good person and the struggles you've faced arent negligible . you're suffering and no matter what specific events you've gone through people can still suffer. you're allowed to feel this and its okay

I wonder what the source of your misery is? How do you feel about existence as a whole?
I know this might seem a tad condescending, if it does please foregive me, but have you tried blood/other tests for food allergies, vitamin levels, etc?
Just wonder why those with OK lives are miserable. I was happy until I lived in constant pain and could no longer do any of the things that I enjoyed and which gave life meaning.
Not that you're not entitled to feel miserable of course, not that you need to justify yourself. It simply makes me curious if all, if you'll indulge me :)
Plus I'd love to do whatever I can to help: 20 should be a time for enjoying life, it saddens me to hear of your misery.