Weird Day in the psychiatry

[noname223]

Yesterday I was forced by the police to a clinic it is an open clinic I could negotiate that. I could avoid a closed Psyche ward. If you attempt you have to go to a closed Psych ward I think. But my friends called the police before I took the SN. They promised me they would never Do that. I think they have a false notion how those acute clinic work. I don't get actual help.

I told the highest doctor a story. It Was half true, an half a lie. It Was exactly what He wanted to hear. I think a female doctor noticed I am bullshitting him but He is the Boss. I am already doing research to buy new SN again. I think my mom's heart problems might got worse. Sorry I am postponing my suicide since 4 years. I just cannot hold it any longer. I am over my limit. I realized the heart Issues of my mother will never go away as long as she lives. And I simply can't wait that long. College ruined my health. The clinic staff is friendly. The police was friendly. But I also was fully cooperative. They joked if I wasn't cooperative they would have to put me in handcuffs. I always knew to be cooperative in Such Situations if you get caught Red handed.

I think some friends are distancing themselves from me. My relationship with my two closest friends is struggeling. They promised me Not to go to the police or call an ambulance no matter what. But I am not angry on them I would have done the same. And I told them that. But it is painful that I have to isolate myself from them when I kill myself. It meant very much to me to say goodbye to them. Maybe they could have gotten into legal trouble I told them to delete the chat though. They told one friend the truth the one who is already cold to me when it comes to suicidality. I have some others friends where I revealed nothing thus far. And I think I will maintain that. I think I dodge the self-help group extra meeting on Sunday. I could Not stomach to meet her again. I also won't disclose to the self-help group that I am in the clinic. I think some other patients in here low key hate me. I am a little bit manic and in a better mood than most of them. I think the are annoyed by me. Which I can understand. But I am acting. And I am better actor than them. But it is way easier to hide suicidality when you are manic. Two guys know I am acting.

It felt good when I looked death in its eyes. Usually I am always acute suicidal on my lowest. And the pain was unimaginable. But this time it was different. The evening on Monday I crashed and felt nightmarish I wanted to kill myself so badly but I have not fasted. I slept the night and usually in the Morning I am less depressed. But I was still pretty suicidal. I was acute suicidal, slightly manic and on benzos. It is an amazing feeling to be manic and on benzos. I felt good. I actually felt good and in peace. I never experienced something like that. But it was also completely different than in my imagination. I could not listen to music the whole time. Music comforts me usually. But I simply could not listen to it anymore. I consider to give it up with women. But I don't want to live forever alone. I have so many issues I could imagine to kill myself in the next months. I have to get my hands on the SN again. But I have to wait until my family calms down. I could imagine all they will Do is blaming me despite the fact I tried to postpone my suicide All the fucking time.

On Saturday I shall meet my Dad and sister. They will act like the dicks they are. On Sunday there is the self-help group. I think for the sake of my health I should give a lame excuse and Not meet her again. I could Not kill me anyway though without the SN. My roomate is cool but He is a little bit shocked by my story. He told me something like secretly you are probably very happy your friends called the police. The truth is no. But I told him I don't know about it.

I think the time spot would have been pretty good to put an end to my life. I had a party at Sunday where I met all my Best friends for a final time. My life is crumbling. There is not much hope left. Actually, there barely is any. I felt at peace with it but it will be hard to achieve this mental state of me. A Part of me did Not want to Die though and this part texted my friends. I am tired. It is difficult to plan the future. I want to be out here. And I will pretend anything to achieve that. Usually you cannot go home at your first weekend but the highest doctor trusts me. He is an old nice man. And it is the truth. I told him I am too scared about any suicide methods except the one I chose. They caught me Red handed with a bottle SN I could not deny it anymore. I need such a "life saver" again. Which is an ironic term because its purpose is to end my life. I am using the psychiatry WI-FI without VPN and I have full access to SaSu. I live in Germany this Website is not Well know here. Everything would been easier if noone intervened. However, I had the wrong antiemetic. I always thoughts my antipsychotic ziprasidone Was an antiemetic but it is not. Maybe it was good they intervened.

Fuck my life. But I am not sure how long it will last. Thanks for reading.

 

[noname223]

Bump

 

[noname223]

I met mom and called my Dad today. I have to play hide the Ball with my mom due to her health Issues. I could See the tears in her eyes and she does Not even know how close it was. My dad knows more. Everyone plays the blame game. It is boneshacking and mindblowing to See the impact of This Event. And it wasn't even a fucking attempt.

Bro I can't Do this to my family. Everyone plays the blame game. My mom is angry on my friends who called the police. She thinks the situation was harmless. I told her that I played it cool. In fact my friends probably saved my life. I don't know what to do. I am close at or over my pain limit. I don't play with open cards in front of the doctors. I think should Do anything to postpone my suicide. I am not sure how much time I have left. I consider to go to hookers. I think Being a Virgin is dragging me down. I am very ashamed of it. I mean nothing matters. I have 15 k on my Bank Account. The money cannot save me anyway. I think I should Not Do drugs. The only Thing would be benzos. I don't think I survive another withdrawal though. How Do I find hookers? And I am on suicide watch of my parents. I would Not want that they learn about it. I have the feeling I could postpone it for 6 months. I should have quitted College earlier it ruined me. Giving me hope and the taking it is killing me. I don't know what to do with dating. It is on so many level hopeless but I don't want to remain lonely. I cannot accept it. But dating comes with setbacks and I don't have it in my bones.

I think college was a huge mistake. My mom who is not aware how close it was is still in favor of College. The Situation is totally nuts. Everything is on the table. Even to play with open cards to the clinic and searching for another therapist. I am so so fucking sick and tired. I thought coming close to suicide would actually traumatize me. Instead it felt good. I was manic and on benzos. It would have been a good final blow. I wish I would Not be aware of the aftermath. I should have stopped College earlier. My health is ruined and it ain't coming back. I am so tired. I wish I just died on Tuesday.

I think some people in the clinic took shots at me for being so often in good mood. I am manic but I Crash often. I felt isolated and I ruminated in a telling way. I debated suicide and I think the others noticed it. Maybe that's paranoid. I am interested in a woman in This clinic but I should Not approach her. I think not All women are nice. I cannot survive more narcissistic injuries. I think she is evil. What am I doing? What the fuck am I doing.

Everything is so fucking lost. I saw my parents. Holy Shit I cannot Do this to them. But I cannot swallow more pain. I think the pain wins. I wish I Was Simply Dead. I did Not Plan to get caught. I did Not See that coming. The aftermath would have been way worse if I actually took it and survived. I should have looked for help earlier. Maybe I should have played the cards differently. But my Hand was total and utter bullshit. Child abuse, severe bullying, severely suicidal since more than a decade. There Was no other road. I cannot postpone my suicide until my parents are Dead. The heart problems of my mom will only become worse. Actually it might kill her. Bro where my life at?

 

[derpyderpins]

Yesterday I was forced by the police to a clinic it is an open clinic I could negotiate that. I could avoid a closed Psyche ward. If you attempt you have to go to a closed Psych ward I think. But my friends called the police before I took the SN. They promised me they would never Do that. I think they have a false notion how those acute clinic work. I don't get actual help.

I told the highest doctor a story. It Was half true, an half a lie. It Was exactly what He wanted to hear. I think a female doctor noticed I am bullshitting him but He is the Boss. I am already doing research to buy new SN again. I think my mom's heart problems might got worse. Sorry I am postponing my suicide since 4 years. I just cannot hold it any longer. I am over my limit. I realized the heart Issues of my mother will never go away as long as she lives. And I simply can't wait that long. College ruined my health. The clinic staff is friendly. The police was friendly. But I also was fully cooperative. They joked if I wasn't cooperative they would have to put me in handcuffs. I always knew to be cooperative in Such Situations if you get caught Red handed.

I think some friends are distancing themselves from me. My relationship with my two closest friends is struggeling. They promised me Not to go to the police or call an ambulance no matter what. But I am not angry on them I would have done the same. And I told them that. But it is painful that I have to isolate myself from them when I kill myself. It meant very much to me to say goodbye to them. Maybe they could have gotten into legal trouble I told them to delete the chat though. They told one friend the truth the one who is already cold to me when it comes to suicidality. I have some others friends where I revealed nothing thus far. And I think I will maintain that. I think I dodge the self-help group extra meeting on Sunday. I could Not stomach to meet her again. I also won't disclose to the self-help group that I am in the clinic. I think some other patients in here low key hate me. I am a little bit manic and in a better mood than most of them. I think the are annoyed by me. Which I can understand. But I am acting. And I am better actor than them. But it is way easier to hide suicidality when you are manic. Two guys know I am acting.

It felt good when I looked death in its eyes. Usually I am always acute suicidal on my lowest. And the pain was unimaginable. But this time it was different. The evening on Monday I crashed and felt nightmarish I wanted to kill myself so badly but I have not fasted. I slept the night and usually in the Morning I am less depressed. But I was still pretty suicidal. I was acute suicidal, slightly manic and on benzos. It is an amazing feeling to be manic and on benzos. I felt good. I actually felt good and in peace. I never experienced something like that. But it was also completely different than in my imagination. I could not listen to music the whole time. Music comforts me usually. But I simply could not listen to it anymore. I consider to give it up with women. But I don't want to live forever alone. I have so many issues I could imagine to kill myself in the next months. I have to get my hands on the SN again. But I have to wait until my family calms down. I could imagine all they will Do is blaming me despite the fact I tried to postpone my suicide All the fucking time.

On Saturday I shall meet my Dad and sister. They will act like the dicks they are. On Sunday there is the self-help group. I think for the sake of my health I should give a lame excuse and Not meet her again. I could Not kill me anyway though without the SN. My roomate is cool but He is a little bit shocked by my story. He told me something like secretly you are probably very happy your friends called the police. The truth is no. But I told him I don't know about it.

I think the time spot would have been pretty good to put an end to my life. I had a party at Sunday where I met all my Best friends for a final time. My life is crumbling. There is not much hope left. Actually, there barely is any. I felt at peace with it but it will be hard to achieve this mental state of me. A Part of me did Not want to Die though and this part texted my friends. I am tired. It is difficult to plan the future. I want to be out here. And I will pretend anything to achieve that. Usually you cannot go home at your first weekend but the highest doctor trusts me. He is an old nice man. And it is the truth. I told him I am too scared about any suicide methods except the one I chose. They caught me Red handed with a bottle SN I could not deny it anymore. I need such a "life saver" again. Which is an ironic term because its purpose is to end my life. I am using the psychiatry WI-FI without VPN and I have full access to SaSu. I live in Germany this Website is not Well know here. Everything would been easier if noone intervened. However, I had the wrong antiemetic. I always thoughts my antipsychotic ziprasidone Was an antiemetic but it is not. Maybe it was good they intervened.

Fuck my life. But I am not sure how long it will last. Thanks for reading.

Read it all, then let it digest a bit. First off, sorry you had to deal with all that.

The big thing that stands out to me is just that you are in a worse place than most people are mentally equipped to deal with. I think it's great that people still want to support you - weather they do it well or not - and I think it's understandable that it's a struggle for them sometimes.

You've got a second friend group/family here, too. I'm rooting for your suffering to lessen and hopefully end.

I met mom and called my Dad today. I have to play hide the Ball with my mom due to her health Issues. I could See the tears in her eyes and she does Not even know how close it was. My dad knows more. Everyone plays the blame game. It is boneshacking and mindblowing to See the impact of This Event. And it wasn't even a fucking attempt.

Bro I can't Do this to my family. Everyone plays the blame game. My mom is angry on my friends who called the police. She thinks the situation was harmless. I told her that I played it cool. In fact my friends probably saved my life. I don't know what to do. I am close at or over my pain limit. I don't play with open cards in front of the doctors. I think should Do anything to postpone my suicide. I am not sure how much time I have left. I consider to go to hookers. I think Being a Virgin is dragging me down. I am very ashamed of it. I mean nothing matters. I have 15 k on my Bank Account. The money cannot save me anyway. I think I should Not Do drugs. The only Thing would be benzos. I don't think I survive another withdrawal though. How Do I find hookers? And I am on suicide watch of my parents. I would Not want that they learn about it. I have the feeling I could postpone it for 6 months. I should have quitted College earlier it ruined me. Giving me hope and the taking it is killing me. I don't know what to do with dating. It is on so many level hopeless but I don't want to remain lonely. I cannot accept it. But dating comes with setbacks and I don't have it in my bones.

I think college was a huge mistake. My mom who is not aware how close it was is still in favor of College. The Situation is totally nuts. Everything is on the table. Even to play with open cards to the clinic and searching for another therapist. I am so so fucking sick and tired. I thought coming close to suicide would actually traumatize me. Instead it felt good. I was manic and on benzos. It would have been a good final blow. I wish I would Not be aware of the aftermath. I should have stopped College earlier. My health is ruined and it ain't coming back. I am so tired. I wish I just died on Tuesday.

I think some people in the clinic took shots at me for being so often in good mood. I am manic but I Crash often. I felt isolated and I ruminated in a telling way. I debated suicide and I think the others noticed it. Maybe that's paranoid. I am interested in a woman in This clinic but I should Not approach her. I think not All women are nice. I cannot survive more narcissistic injuries. I think she is evil. What am I doing? What the fuck am I doing.

Everything is so fucking lost. I saw my parents. Holy Shit I cannot Do this to them. But I cannot swallow more pain. I think the pain wins. I wish I Was Simply Dead. I did Not Plan to get caught. I did Not See that coming. The aftermath would have been way worse if I actually took it and survived. I should have looked for help earlier. Maybe I should have played the cards differently. But my Hand was total and utter bullshit. Child abuse, severe bullying, severely suicidal since more than a decade. There Was no other road. I cannot postpone my suicide until my parents are Dead. The heart problems of my mom will only become worse. Actually it might kill her. Bro where my life at?

Man, I know it's easier for me to say than for you to do, but please go a bit easier on yourself. There is absolutely 0, nothing at all, wrong with being a virgin. Having experienced it, I'd rather be a virgin than have sex only once with someone who doesn't care about me. The chemicals that go off in your brain after you're done and you realize that person is in no way a partner you can trust and count on are extremely deflating.

You deserve a break from worrying about college and about being single and what other people think. You deserve a few minutes to just breathe. The choice to ctb should be done in as calm a state as practical.

 

[-Link-]

@noname223 if you're feeling totally lost and bottomed out but still looking at continuing on living, maybe it would be worth being completely open with doctors? I'm not sure what treatments you've already tried in the past, but maybe there are some less-accessible options or even experimental options they would consider if they see that a case is extreme enough?

On one hand, maybe you might surprise yourself and find something that actually improves your situation. And on the other hand... well, any efforts with treatment would build your "case" for eventual officially-supported assisted dying in Switzerland, if you ever decided to go that route in the future...

I definitely agree with @derpyderpins in dissuading from seeing a sex worker to lose your virginity. I mean, of course see a sex worker if all you want is to have a good time, lol... But I'd be concerned about the after-effects for you if you did it specifically to lose your virginity, especially as this is something you obviously could never undo.

I met mom and called my Dad today. I have to play hide the Ball with my mom due to her health Issues. I could See the tears in her eyes and she does Not even know how close it was. My dad knows more. Everyone plays the blame game. It is boneshacking and mindblowing to See the impact of This Event. And it wasn't even a fucking attempt.

Everything is so fucking lost. I saw my parents. Holy Shit I cannot Do this to them. But I cannot swallow more pain. I think the pain wins. I wish I Was Simply Dead.

I know what it is to be in this sort of position. My parents are the reason why I'm still living as well.

The reactions of your parents you're describing here, I've seen this before in my own parents as well. I see some of this in their eyes every time they look at me because they are familiar with my situation. The sadness and hurt and guilt that they feel, even as I'm still living, is so much -- I feel it in them every time I see them or talk to them. I can't even imagine how they would handle it if I died.

But the more time that passes, the more and more difficult this is becoming for me. I had figured I'd always be able to keep going for their sake, but this overwhelming mental and emotional pain I'm in is starting to push up against this threshold. It's devastating to even think about putting them through that and what that would look like for them, but it's getting so much harder with each passing day to keep going, and I'm not sure I'll be able to hang on for them. If this gets much worse, I will think about an inpatient stay, myself, but I am not looking at that option at this time.

So while you and I have different life stories and have taken different paths to get to where we are, I guess I'm just wanting to say to you, you're not alone in this struggle. I do hope you can find your way through this.

 

[noname223]

Thank you a lot for your support guys it means much to me! @derpyderpins @-link-
I have to find a therapist that supports me.

 

[noname223]

I consider to play with open cards next week. I had a walk with this good looking borderline woman and my roomate. I asked her whether she plays with open cards and she Was totally shocked because of This question. She Said of course. And first I thought it was irony. Tbh I assumed everyone here is bullshitting to get out. Seemingly, you can even go if your treatment resistant. I thought you could only go with a smiley on your face. But before I play with 98% open hands there are Things to consider. My mom should not know the truth. And she is actually the woman who could be my biggest protector. I live in same house as her. But she does Not know about the SN yet because of her heart problems. Will they Tell her about the SN? So that she can confiscate the next package. Second concern. I need to find a therapist. I doubt I will find one if He reads in the patient document/protocoll that He liked the feeling looking death into its eyes. This sounds psychopathic.