Livingvsdying25
Enlightened
- Dec 8, 2019
- 1,188
Word vomit or rambles or journal like blogging I dunno.
Took meds. Needa get breakfast. Ig getting dressed is a good start. Did a vc on discord a bit this morning. They were cool.
Honestly I thought I'd just force myself to do all these things today as if I'm not struggling severely.
Like I could just will myself out of it for a day. Such a fucking joke. So im adjusting. I actually have no appetite or interest in food. But cooking is something to do that I technically enjoy. I cannot at all get myself moving.
Too much pressure adds to hypervigilance/ anxiety inside. That is not the goal. Would luv to go buy buns. Get out for a bit but under this crushing everything dunno.
CBD helping a bit with that.
By the time I got up to brush my teeth finally after quite a few days. I realized that I literally can barly stand. Im not gonna be able to walk to stores and feel safe.
I am trying to cope today... not going well. Tried to get up to start cleaning and just... yeah.. not working. Wanna cry. About to cry.
Only think imminent is dishes and they are soaking so evene then eh. My worker might come on Friday. Sent whats goin on to both of em by email.
My friend sent me money/ honorarium that she was sending weekly.
She didn't say anything so I dunno if it was on purpose. We are attempting to meet in a lil bit but I'm essentially having a melt down rn.
Bc I'm so poor/struggle so much with money usually when she sends it I feel a lil ease. I feel just extreme guilt and shame.
Im grateful but Im sinking extremely into unwellness. So self hate is deep and feel I don't deserve it.
Today... is a struggle. Just sitting here im drowning. Im... a mess. Anyway. Its 2pm so.
Forcing myself up now
Took meds. Needa get breakfast. Ig getting dressed is a good start. Did a vc on discord a bit this morning. They were cool.
Honestly I thought I'd just force myself to do all these things today as if I'm not struggling severely.
Like I could just will myself out of it for a day. Such a fucking joke. So im adjusting. I actually have no appetite or interest in food. But cooking is something to do that I technically enjoy. I cannot at all get myself moving.
Too much pressure adds to hypervigilance/ anxiety inside. That is not the goal. Would luv to go buy buns. Get out for a bit but under this crushing everything dunno.
CBD helping a bit with that.
By the time I got up to brush my teeth finally after quite a few days. I realized that I literally can barly stand. Im not gonna be able to walk to stores and feel safe.
I am trying to cope today... not going well. Tried to get up to start cleaning and just... yeah.. not working. Wanna cry. About to cry.
Only think imminent is dishes and they are soaking so evene then eh. My worker might come on Friday. Sent whats goin on to both of em by email.
My friend sent me money/ honorarium that she was sending weekly.
She didn't say anything so I dunno if it was on purpose. We are attempting to meet in a lil bit but I'm essentially having a melt down rn.
Bc I'm so poor/struggle so much with money usually when she sends it I feel a lil ease. I feel just extreme guilt and shame.
Im grateful but Im sinking extremely into unwellness. So self hate is deep and feel I don't deserve it.
Today... is a struggle. Just sitting here im drowning. Im... a mess. Anyway. Its 2pm so.
Forcing myself up now
