Venting weak and a coward

[sonax22]

flashback to my first attempt at 11, pillsss and lots of further attempts with pillss
I'm 23 now and I'm so frustrated
I've been through so many phases, I've changed in many ways, but I never not wanted to ctb
ever since I was a child, its always been on my mind
that's why looking back, I feel so angry and frustrated on the fact that I'm STILL here

I can try other methods but the matter of the fact, all I'm being is a lil bitch, I'm weak willed and a coward
And I love myself, I really do. and I've come a long way to love myself after hating my guts for half my life. its one of the reasons I wanna ctb so bad, I cant let myself keep living in misery like this

I got a job interview invitation today and this is what triggered me coming back here. all it reminds me of, is that I'm still alive and there's a future for me. this is not what I want, I feel like ripping my skin off because how much I cant stand being alive. and the sad thing is, I have lots of passions and lust for life but my issues and family situation, make them seem like only for daydreaming, so everything that makes want to live is purely just unrealistic.

I've never been diagnosed, I don't know what's wrong with me. I can go on for days talking about how my mental issues are killing me everyday, and I cant tell anyone about them.
I wake up and go through every emotion known to man, my mood swings are very frequent and come in intensities, they get triggered by minor changes in routine/ sounds/ certain people and sometimes for NO REASON AT ALL. I'm starting to forget most of my days and my impulsivity is unbearable. my eating disorder issues turned purely addictive and I'm dreading every day because of it. I am an impulsive spender with bulimic tendencies, between large amounts of food that run out in a few hours, to packets and packets of laxatives. Self harm became addictive in all of its forms, for the pure pleasure and routine rather than a reactionary thing anymore.

I live with my family and I do around 90% of the house work, I'm so tired, I wanted to live alone ever since I was a child, call me a bad person but I feel nothing for my family and I never did even when I was little, its not hate, its indifference. I'm stuck pretending to be a good daughter and my mask is slowly coming off, as my mental issues are getting worse and harder to hide. I stay in my room most of my day now and only come out to cook and clean. being a person is exhausting and in conclusion IM TIRED.

I don't know what to do, I was hoping for the longest time that my eating disorder would kill me eventually. as I'm here typing this. chest pains, nausea and heart palpitations are wild, but id lie if I say I don't experience them often. I guess my body is too used to me abusing it in all ways possible, it always finds a way to keep me alive until now and it makes me so angry.

I'm just so frustrated, I wish I was brave enough to actually ctb with any method from here, but the idea of me surviving it, is fueling my anxiety to the max. I'm so tired I want out so bad. and I don't know how long I can pretend I'm normal

 

[makethepainstop]

Living requires bravery and so does catching the bus.You are NOT weak, your human! Big hug to you from me.

 

[sonax22]

Living requires bravery and so does catching the bus.You are NOT weak, your human! Big hug to you from me.

damnn that's such a nice perspective, thank youu. I really appreciate thisss aaaaa, huggss back

 

[makethepainstop]

damnn that's such a nice perspective, thank youu. I really appreciate thisss aaaaa, huggss back

You welcome!

 

[gomenasai]

Yes. A decision to finally ctb is probably the hardest you can take in your entire life. It doesn't mean you are weak.

 

[sonax22]

Yes. A decision to finally ctb is probably the hardest you can take in your entire life. It doesn't mean you are weak.

Ohh yess it really iss, which makes perfect sense, its the biggest decision we could ever make.

 

[takemetooblivion]

Can't comprehend what you're feeling cause I'm not feeling numb or overly emotional at the moment. I feel it'd be wrong to encourage somebody else to ctb even if you want their pain to end, but whatever happens I hope you end up happy. Much Love.

 

[necrolatry]

You're not being a coward at all, reading your text shows that you have faced yourself. You seem to know what causes you misery. It's up to you to decide whether or not it's worth to chase these issues or to let go. Neither is right or wrong and it is probably a matter of will.

 

[FuneralCry]

Existing can certainly be tiring and I understand that it can be so dreadful feeling trapped here when all that you want is to be gone. Suicide really isn't straightforward after all and the thought of failing an attempt is so horrifying. If only suicide is as easy as just choosing to never wake again but unfortunately that is not the reality. It's all very unfair.
I wish you freedom from suffering.

 

[System28]

all synthoms you related is normal with depression and anxiety can improve alot with some medications, the real causes of that u prolly know, my opinion is try some medical help to see what happens give a try atleast, 23y old u can get a job can move to another city can try another life from 0, ctb is not the only option

 

[Huntfish34]

As others have stated... You are not weak or Anything close to it. You are human and have natural fears like most of us do.

I don't relate to everything,. But numerous of the things you said I do . You are not alone -

Thoughts and prayers to you always -

 

[Cryptonite]

I wish you only the best. From the description, it looks like a personality disorder. If so, you can try TFP treatment.

I got cured from one, but soon after that was diagnosed with a debilitating spinal disease. So I'm here again.

Cruelty of destiny knows no bounds. CTB is the only relief.

 

[Zegers]

my issues and family situation, make them seem like only for daydreaming

I can relate... I don't know, i feel like i'm in the wrong life.

 

[sonax22]

Can't comprehend what you're feeling cause I'm not feeling numb or overly emotional at the moment. I feel it'd be wrong to encourage somebody else to ctb even if you want their pain to end, but whatever happens I hope you end up happy. Much Love.

thank you so much for ur kind wordss, I hope for the same for you tooo

You're not being a coward at all, reading your text shows that you have faced yourself. You seem to know what causes you misery. It's up to you to decide whether or not it's worth to chase these issues or to let go. Neither is right or wrong and it is probably a matter of will.

This is very comforting to hear, I appreciate itt. exactly its all about the decision making, the very difficult part

Existing can certainly be tiring and I understand that it can be so dreadful feeling trapped here when all that you want is to be gone. Suicide really isn't straightforward after all and the thought of failing an attempt is so horrifying. If only suicide is as easy as just choosing to never wake again but unfortunately that is not the reality. It's all very unfair.
I wish you freedom from suffering.

yesss I so agree with everything you saidd, truly unfair. Thank youuu

all synthoms you related is normal with depression and anxiety can improve alot with some medications, the real causes of that u prolly know, my opinion is try some medical help to see what happens give a try atleast, 23y old u can get a job can move to another city can try another life from 0, ctb is not the only option

yesss this is what hurts the most, is that I know that I could have a chance and I can have a semi functional living.
The problem is my culture and family setting are very difficult to work through. I think a big chunk of my problems could improve if I could move out, but its almost impossible to do in my culture as a female.
my only options are get married which in my culture, is another trap in of itself
or move out and be disowned for the rest of my life, if I could even successfully leave.
and I've wanted to get treatment for the longest time but with my spending problems, its almost out of my control that I'm broke every time. and the awful shame and guilt id be in after asking my family for money would make me rather ctb than do it.
thank you for ur response, I really appreciate it.

As others have stated... You are not weak or Anything close to it. You are human and have natural fears like most of us do.

I don't relate to everything,. But numerous of the things you said I do . You are not alone -

Thoughts and prayers to you always -

you are very kind, thank you very muchh
exactly its a very human thing to feel, its just easy to forget that
thoughts and prayers to you too

I wish you only the best. From the description, it looks like a personality disorder. If so, you can try TFP treatment.

I got cured from one, but soon after that was diagnosed with a debilitating spinal disease. So I'm here again.

Cruelty of destiny knows no bounds. CTB is the only relief.

thank you for ur response, yeah I've suspected a personality disorder somewhere but I can never be sure on my own
I am glad to hear you got cured, and I'm saddened to hear ur facing another struggle, I cant imagine how hard that is to go through, I truly wish you all the best wherever it may be.

I can relate... I don't know, i feel like i'm in the wrong life.

yesss that is soo trueee, I'm sorry to hear ur going through this too. its hard to go through this, I hope you find ur freedom wherever it maybe.

 

[kitch]

Have you checked out Gabor Mate "The myth of normal" ?

All his stuff is good.

It helped me put in perspective my social environment in relation to my "mental illness".

Wishing you well .... you are in a tough spot.

Sorry if this was unhelpful ... it's just that I have found some different perspectives are helpful and have reduced the self persecution I kind of learnt from my family I think .

Gabor on youtube : ( I haven't watched this one ... it's just a reference )

 

[sonax22]

Have you checked out Gabor Mate "The myth of normal" ?

All his stuff is good.

It helped me put in perspective my social environment in relation to my "mental illness".

Wishing you well .... you are in a tough spot.

Sorry if this was unhelpful ... it's just that I have found some different perspectives are helpful and have reduced the self persecution I kind of learnt from my family I think .

Gabor on youtube : ( I haven't watched this one ... it's just a reference )

ohh noo this is greattt, thank you for sharing this
I really enjoy looking for and finding new perspectives on things, so this is right up my ally
I haven't heard of him before, I just checked the video out and its very interesting
its really always boils down to perspective, we put meaning into everything and we can change that meaning if we really wanted to or even not have a meaning at all.
and yes, the social environment really plays a big factor in my mental issues as well, so its good to watch stuff like this
and it takes A LOT to try to change what your family or environment implanted in your brain for years, its starting from scratch and its scary. we really forget we are separate individuals and we get to decide who we are outside of our environment.
and I wish you well tooo, thank youu

 

[SarRy]

Why haven't you gotten help for your mental health? See what can be done. Figure out what you might be able to do. If there are things that could improve your life, then your doubts make sense. Despite this all being very emotional, it's often helpful to be able to remove emotion and think through your options with a clear mind. You're not weak, you're conflicted by mixed thoughts and information. You've made it far beyond your first attempt and you might do so again.
It sounds like you might have bipolar. Just a thought. If so mixed episodes with depression and high energy are sometimes called high risk times for leaving.
With all that being said, I hope you find peace.

 

[sonax22]

Why haven't you gotten help for your mental health? See what can be done. Figure out what you might be able to do. If there are things that could improve your life, then your doubts make sense. Despite this all being very emotional, it's often helpful to be able to remove emotion and think through your options with a clear mind. You're not weak, you're conflicted by mixed thoughts and information. You've made it far beyond your first attempt and you might do so again.
It sounds like you might have bipolar. Just a thought. If so mixed episodes with depression and high energy are sometimes called high risk times for leaving.
With all that being said, I hope you find peace.

thank you so much for your response, I have wanted to get help for the longest time, but money.. for the one of the problems I'm trying to get help for, is my impulsive spending, I'm always broke, and help requires a LOT of money. being a bulimic is Extremely money consuming and very addictive. and I couldn't ask for money from my family, out of the shame and guilt id be in for it.
I've been trying to work through my problems on my own for years now, and i realize YES I need help, can't do it on my own. at the same time this confliction is what stopping me from getting help in the first place. every task is extremly exhausting with an unstable mind, honestly even writing this response now took way too much time, I cant do things in a direct way. its like there's one way clear straight way to do something, but unconsciously I end up taking many unnecessary turns, to get to where I am trying to get to. and what's funny is sometimes the same task I be struggling with this moment, I could finish so easily in another time, almost like I'm a different person, its unpredictable, I'm afraid I cant stick to therapy because of this instability.
I'm sorry if I don't make sense I really don't know where I was going with this.
but thank you I wish you all the best