omgisthatashley
Improving or Improvising?
- Oct 17, 2022
- 18
I experience 3 separate realities simultaneously. In one, I am a sad, disturbed soul, wracked with trauma and mental illness, vying for an escape. In another, I am the reincarnation of someone truly evil, and this life is my punishment. In the third, its all bullshit; an elaborate lie crafted over a decade.
I experience hallucinations, auditory and visual. Sometimes I hear my name being whispered, or a phone ringing. Sometimes my coworkers stare me dead in the eyes and tell me everything I hate about myself. Sometimes, I see this shadowy figure, standing in my doorway or darting past my window. I dont know what it is exactly, but I do know its whats holding me here. Thats the voice in my head that tells me what everyone is thinking, or to shut up mid conversation. Not that any of that even actually happens. I work in a chaotic environment, there could be any number of random sounds, and anything that cant be explained away by that didnt actually happen and I just made it up.
I was "diagnosed" with schizoaffective disorder by my last therapist. The same therapist that hugboxxed me and affirmed any bullshit I told her. The one who admitted her office's goal was to get people on medication. The office with the psychiatrist whose sugar pills drained my life force and my bank account. I say "diagnosed" because she only mentioned it offhand during a conversation about me quitting therapy, the session after I first brought it up.
Ive only told 2 people about this, and when I described my symptoms, I got alot of, "oh yeah I do that too". Everyone thinks about the negative things other people are thinking, thats totally normal. When I explained how the voice in my head is chiming in mid sentence to berate me on how embarrassingly idiotic the pronunciation of that word was, they go, "oh well yeah, my inner voice is always judging how cringe i am". This happens to everyone. Think of all the songs that have some mention of "voices in my head"; the human eye is not perfect, and the universe is chaotic and mysterious where any sound or sight could happen at any time.
I have a really shitty memory. As in, as of writing this, I cant remember what, or even if I ate today (that could also be an ED thing but whatever). Because of this, I am an unreliable narrator in my own life. I have two distinct memories of a traumatic event in my past, and to this day dont know which is true (and am too scared to find out). I have "memories" of events where I have the innate *feeling* that they happened, but have absolutely no recollection of the event or any more details. I have an attempt that I am for sure happened, but other than, "I od'd over my ex" I cant tell you a damn thing about it. (I am for sure as in, in my mind it is a 100% fact, despite having no evidence for or against it)
Every night I lie in bed and practice the conversations I plan to have the next day. usually just the important ones, but I also lightly practice my customer coworker and family interactions. I do this to make my social interactions the next day alot easier. Ive already planned and rehearsed this, its not so hard to just repeat. But sometimes, I catch myself lying. In my bed alone, talking aloud to myself, Ill catch myself saying things that are untrue. Things about myself or details of a story; sometimes its something little, but sometimes its something big. And I dont always catch them right away. I can continue the story, making up more details until it eventually unravels itself. This makes me wonder, "what about the ones I didnt catch?" How many details about my life were slipped in that I just accepted as fact? I dont do it intentionally, I feel like they just appear in my sentences. Like you know how when you say something, youre thinking it first? Its very soon before you say it, sometimes almost simultaneously. With these though, I feel like I never even thought it, like the words left my mouth despite my vocal chords vibrating differently.
Whether or not this is that, sometimes it speaks through me. That voice I mentioned that critiques my pronunciation? Its a constant spectator. When im not talking, im walking wrong, or looking at people when I shouldnt, or insanely ugly and everyone is whispering about it, or on about that stupid thing i said a month ago. It loves to remind me how stupid I am. Stupid and ugly and dumb and fat and naive and tall and masculine and disgusting. It gets loud, but still my dumbass doesnt listen. So it takes the reigns. Speaks the truth through my own lips. "You fucking stupid bitch, shut the fuck up and stop looking at people, its bad enough you woke up this morning to begin with, stop poisoning others with your presence". Its not shouted, but its rarely if ever whispered. Imagine having a conversation with someone only for them to turn around and say under their breath "god youre such a fucking idiot, you wonder why nobody fucking likes you".
I want nothing more than to die. To be free of this hell. But I cant. It wont let me. Ive tried 5 times now and ive come to realize that I am forced to live out my punishment. I havent attempted not because I havent had the chance or because I didnt want to, I cant, and trying only makes hell hotter.
In spite of that, I refuse to take medication. Partially because its fake poison from the government to make me a pay pig, but also I dont deserve to lessen my punishment; im here for a reason.
Another fabric of reality tear I grapple with is, is this life my punishment? Or is this existence my punishment? Essentially, was I reincarnated back onto this Earth (to experience the pains of those I hurt?), or am I experiencing this life and everything in it externally? (think the vr game from that rick and morty episode) Doesnt seem like a big question, but it brings in the question of, "how can I atone?". If I was put back on Earth to experience my own violence, maybe theres something I can do to alleviate it for others. If its all a simulation, whats the point? Why am I still here? Just to suffer? Yes.
Realistically? I know its all just "part of my illness", but at the same time, I know I am inherently a bad person, and I know what ive seen following me and that I hear speaking to me is real. I dont know how to describe the cognitive dissonance. Knowing that your whole understanding of reality is wrong, but that reality constantly proving itself to you despite everything telling you otherwise is crushing to a degree I can't adequately describe.
And to cap it all off, a truly mentally ill person would lack the level of self awareness displayed above.
I experience hallucinations, auditory and visual. Sometimes I hear my name being whispered, or a phone ringing. Sometimes my coworkers stare me dead in the eyes and tell me everything I hate about myself. Sometimes, I see this shadowy figure, standing in my doorway or darting past my window. I dont know what it is exactly, but I do know its whats holding me here. Thats the voice in my head that tells me what everyone is thinking, or to shut up mid conversation. Not that any of that even actually happens. I work in a chaotic environment, there could be any number of random sounds, and anything that cant be explained away by that didnt actually happen and I just made it up.
I was "diagnosed" with schizoaffective disorder by my last therapist. The same therapist that hugboxxed me and affirmed any bullshit I told her. The one who admitted her office's goal was to get people on medication. The office with the psychiatrist whose sugar pills drained my life force and my bank account. I say "diagnosed" because she only mentioned it offhand during a conversation about me quitting therapy, the session after I first brought it up.
Ive only told 2 people about this, and when I described my symptoms, I got alot of, "oh yeah I do that too". Everyone thinks about the negative things other people are thinking, thats totally normal. When I explained how the voice in my head is chiming in mid sentence to berate me on how embarrassingly idiotic the pronunciation of that word was, they go, "oh well yeah, my inner voice is always judging how cringe i am". This happens to everyone. Think of all the songs that have some mention of "voices in my head"; the human eye is not perfect, and the universe is chaotic and mysterious where any sound or sight could happen at any time.
I have a really shitty memory. As in, as of writing this, I cant remember what, or even if I ate today (that could also be an ED thing but whatever). Because of this, I am an unreliable narrator in my own life. I have two distinct memories of a traumatic event in my past, and to this day dont know which is true (and am too scared to find out). I have "memories" of events where I have the innate *feeling* that they happened, but have absolutely no recollection of the event or any more details. I have an attempt that I am for sure happened, but other than, "I od'd over my ex" I cant tell you a damn thing about it. (I am for sure as in, in my mind it is a 100% fact, despite having no evidence for or against it)
Every night I lie in bed and practice the conversations I plan to have the next day. usually just the important ones, but I also lightly practice my customer coworker and family interactions. I do this to make my social interactions the next day alot easier. Ive already planned and rehearsed this, its not so hard to just repeat. But sometimes, I catch myself lying. In my bed alone, talking aloud to myself, Ill catch myself saying things that are untrue. Things about myself or details of a story; sometimes its something little, but sometimes its something big. And I dont always catch them right away. I can continue the story, making up more details until it eventually unravels itself. This makes me wonder, "what about the ones I didnt catch?" How many details about my life were slipped in that I just accepted as fact? I dont do it intentionally, I feel like they just appear in my sentences. Like you know how when you say something, youre thinking it first? Its very soon before you say it, sometimes almost simultaneously. With these though, I feel like I never even thought it, like the words left my mouth despite my vocal chords vibrating differently.
Whether or not this is that, sometimes it speaks through me. That voice I mentioned that critiques my pronunciation? Its a constant spectator. When im not talking, im walking wrong, or looking at people when I shouldnt, or insanely ugly and everyone is whispering about it, or on about that stupid thing i said a month ago. It loves to remind me how stupid I am. Stupid and ugly and dumb and fat and naive and tall and masculine and disgusting. It gets loud, but still my dumbass doesnt listen. So it takes the reigns. Speaks the truth through my own lips. "You fucking stupid bitch, shut the fuck up and stop looking at people, its bad enough you woke up this morning to begin with, stop poisoning others with your presence". Its not shouted, but its rarely if ever whispered. Imagine having a conversation with someone only for them to turn around and say under their breath "god youre such a fucking idiot, you wonder why nobody fucking likes you".
I want nothing more than to die. To be free of this hell. But I cant. It wont let me. Ive tried 5 times now and ive come to realize that I am forced to live out my punishment. I havent attempted not because I havent had the chance or because I didnt want to, I cant, and trying only makes hell hotter.
In spite of that, I refuse to take medication. Partially because its fake poison from the government to make me a pay pig, but also I dont deserve to lessen my punishment; im here for a reason.
Another fabric of reality tear I grapple with is, is this life my punishment? Or is this existence my punishment? Essentially, was I reincarnated back onto this Earth (to experience the pains of those I hurt?), or am I experiencing this life and everything in it externally? (think the vr game from that rick and morty episode) Doesnt seem like a big question, but it brings in the question of, "how can I atone?". If I was put back on Earth to experience my own violence, maybe theres something I can do to alleviate it for others. If its all a simulation, whats the point? Why am I still here? Just to suffer? Yes.
Realistically? I know its all just "part of my illness", but at the same time, I know I am inherently a bad person, and I know what ive seen following me and that I hear speaking to me is real. I dont know how to describe the cognitive dissonance. Knowing that your whole understanding of reality is wrong, but that reality constantly proving itself to you despite everything telling you otherwise is crushing to a degree I can't adequately describe.
And to cap it all off, a truly mentally ill person would lack the level of self awareness displayed above.
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