We are a Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) system currently in a psych ward receiving Electroconvulsive Therapy (ECT). You’re welcome to ask away!

[wildflowercloud]

Hey guys,

The three darkest periods of our life has been throughout our trauma (childhood and adulthood), the realizations that have happened over the past couple of years where we have been experiencing horrific repressed trauma, and now.

We have said we have been at rock bottom so many times it feels ridiculous, but honestly, this rock bottom that we're at right now, we hope so deeply that it is our last rock bottom and that we are soon set free by our suicide. We are in indescribable emotional agony every time we simply breathe. We never had a chance from the start, the horrors that happened and persist are devastating, and we're ready to go.

We have zero, we mean ZERO, hope for our life. Leading up to this admission we were an absolute mess and our community mental health team decided it wasn't fair on us to be going through what we are without more support in place. We are extremely grateful and thankful for our team and how hard they're fighting for us, and we have no idea what to do anymore except for ending our life, and of course they can't let us do that, so we've been accepting the help even though we have no hope in it because we don't want to be ungrateful and not give things a try when it's being offered to us, as lots of people don't get anywhere near as much help and support as we do, we are incredibly lucky, so here we are.

We're currently in a psych ward in NZ receiving ECT for our severe depression. Our psychiatrist here is very experienced with PTSD / C-PTSD so we're trying to trust him and his treatment approaches. The thinking is that the depression feeds the trauma struggles, and the trauma struggles feed the depression, and if our depression lifts, we might become more resilient in coping with our trauma. We see where he is coming from, but fuck, even without depression, the level of human depravity that has made its home into our bones over years and years of horrific trauma, it's too much for one person to carry. We can't do it. We don't want to do it. We're tired. We're so, so tired. Trauma therapy isn't much of an option because we need a certain level of stability to be able to go through that, and there are also many alters who are completely against it. Suicide feels inevitable.

We don't know for definite how we're going to end our life with where we are at, but while we are still here, we're happy to answer any questions or wonderings people may have about any of these experiences. We're by no means experts, but yeah just let us know.

It's nice to have some human connection with lots of people who can understand, so if you read all of this, thank you so much for taking the time out to read a bit about us and helping us feel seen, we really really appreciate it.

Sending warm energy and safe hugs to all who want or need them

 

[SVEN]

Sorry things are still so dark for you, it's been a hard journey for you thus far, best wishes.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Good luck! I hope both of you find peace! All the best!

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

As another DID system currently in the process of trying to cope with (emerging) horrific trauma, all our thoughts go out to you <3 I hope recovery is in the cards for your system and the pain lifts. Good luck friends

 

[Forveleth]

I'm sorry life has brought you to this point. DID is a heavy load both in its current form and the trauma from which it is borne.

Curious to know if the ECT affects each of your alters differently? Do some have side effects and some do not? Are there any alters who are more/less agreeable to the treatment? I have never heard of a system getting ECT so I am very curious.

 

[needthebus]

Trigger warning, these questions could be triggering.

A person once discussed ECT therapy when I was sad. I did research on it and saw many, many accounts of people who had horrfic extreme memory loss.

When ECT was discussed, this side effect seemed minimized, like it could possibly lead to mild memory issues and they might resolve.

From everything I read, it was significantly worse among almost everyone who had done it who posted about it. I am not a scientologist or anti-science.

After that experience, I was extraordinarily skeptical of the psychiatric industry, as that side effect was not clearly explained to me.

So my question is, did they explain clearly the severity of memory loss than can happen with ECT and that many people experience it to a severe degree?

My next question is, is this totally completely voluntary, or are you being pressured at all in the slightest to have ECT? Or do you not a have a choice.



Full disclosure: I am likely coming into this with a critical perspective, as from everything I've read, ECT, much like lobotomies are life altering in their side effects and many go into it not fully being able to appreciate the effects due to depression.

I also believe in the future that ECT will be viewed the same way as ice pick lobotomies, with the same horror due to the fact that both are abusive inhumane and bizarre medical practices.

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

Trigger warning, these questions could be triggering.

A person once discussed ECT therapy when I was sad. I did research on it and saw many, many accounts of people who had horrfic extreme memory loss.

When ECT was discussed, this side effect seemed minimized, like it could possibly lead to mild memory issues and they might resolve.

From everything I read, it was significantly worse among almost everyone who had done it who posted about it. I am not a scientologist or anti-science.

After that experience, I was extraordinarily skeptical of the psychiatric industry, as that side effect was not clearly explained to me.

So my question is, did they explain clearly the severity of memory loss than can happen with ECT and that many people experience it to a severe degree?

My next question is, is this totally completely voluntary, or are you being pressured at all in the slightest to have ECT? Or do you not a have a choice.

Full disclosure: I am likely coming into this with a ceitical perspective, as from everything I've read, ECT, much like lobotomies are life altering in their side effects and many go into it not fully being able to appreciate the effects due to depression.

I also believe in the future that ECT will be viewed the same way as ice pick lobotomies, with the same horror due to the fact that both are abusive inhumane and bizarre medical practices.

I had 18 ECT rounds for severe depression. I was desperate. Sadly, it didn't work for me. I had some memory loss around the time of treatment. No long term side eeffects. It wasn't as bad as it is portrayed, at least for me. They do put you to sleep to do it. I kept hoping I didn't wake up.

 

[needthebus]

i hope you are doing well @wildflowercloud and that somehow im wrong in my skepticism and this ends up being helpful

 

[divinemistress36]

I had 18 ECT rounds for severe depression. I was desperate. Sadly, it didn't work for me. I had some memory loss around the time of treatment. No long term side eeffects. It wasn't as bad as it is portrayed, at least for me. They do put you to sleep to do it. I kept hoping I didn't wake up.

Do you know if it was unilateral or bilateral you had done?

I had 18 ECT rounds for severe depression. I was desperate. Sadly, it didn't work for me. I had some memory loss around the time of treatment. No long term side eeffects. It wasn't as bad as it is portrayed, at least for me. They do put you to sleep to do it. I kept hoping I didn't wake up.

being put to sleep was the best

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

It was bilateral

 

[Hollowman]

Trigger warning, these questions could be triggering.

A person once discussed ECT therapy when I was sad. I did research on it and saw many, many accounts of people who had horrfic extreme memory loss.

When ECT was discussed, this side effect seemed minimized, like it could possibly lead to mild memory issues and they might resolve.

From everything I read, it was significantly worse among almost everyone who had done it who posted about it. I am not a scientologist or anti-science.

After that experience, I was extraordinarily skeptical of the psychiatric industry, as that side effect was not clearly explained to me.

So my question is, did they explain clearly the severity of memory loss than can happen with ECT and that many people experience it to a severe degree?

My next question is, is this totally completely voluntary, or are you being pressured at all in the slightest to have ECT? Or do you not a have a choice.



Full disclosure: I am likely coming into this with a critical perspective, as from everything I've read, ECT, much like lobotomies are life altering in their side effects and many go into it not fully being able to appreciate the effects due to depression.

I also believe in the future that ECT will be viewed the same way as ice pick lobotomies, with the same horror due to the fact that both are abusive inhumane and bizarre medical practices.

All of psychiatry will be viewed that way in the future if there is one.

 

[needthebus]

All of psychiatry will be viewed that way in the future if there is one.

i mostly think this is true and much of psychiatry is an attempt to compenate for medical issues that lead to brain issues, ennui caused by societial dysfunction, and political problems with how society works.

I feel like psychiatry is similar to if a person kept getting a sunburn by sitting under a tanning lamp and and kept going to someone who changed them 200 dollars for some aloe cream mixed with lead.

In rare cases it seems to be useful, but funadmentally psychiatry tries to make people conform to what society sees as normal and cares little about the patient or whether "normal" makes sense while extracting tremendous amount of money from poor unhappy people. I really view it as vicious and camouflaged serpentinian trap for the naive. The amount of money and time that poor and vulnerable people spend, and the little benefit they get back, means the benefit relative to the cost is so low, with the benefits accruing to practitioners so lucrative. The whole thing disgusts me and reeks of trying to sell magic shoes to someone trapped in quicksand and telling them it will help. SSRIs are barely better than a placebo and the mental.health industry made billions on that con. I am not against medication but the whole thing is so exploitative, with the financial detriment and time detriment never taken into account by clinicians.

Is society broken? Are you lonely and suffering? Pay me 400 and I'll give you a pill with a 20 percent chance of making you feel better, or you can do nothing and get a 19.5 percent chance of.doing better.

It's just vile, and the whole way society does not call out doctors for being part of the racket is sad and seems to speak to the learned helplessness of those without means who are constantly exploited.

 

[danny10]

Trigger warning, these questions could be triggering.

A person once discussed ECT therapy when I was sad. I did research on it and saw many, many accounts of people who had horrfic extreme memory loss.

When ECT was discussed, this side effect seemed minimized, like it could possibly lead to mild memory issues and they might resolve.

From everything I read, it was significantly worse among almost everyone who had done it who posted about it. I am not a scientologist or anti-science.

After that experience, I was extraordinarily skeptical of the psychiatric industry, as that side effect was not clearly explained to me.

So my question is, did they explain clearly the severity of memory loss than can happen with ECT and that many people experience it to a severe degree?

My next question is, is this totally completely voluntary, or are you being pressured at all in the slightest to have ECT? Or do you not a have a choice.



Full disclosure: I am likely coming into this with a critical perspective, as from everything I've read, ECT, much like lobotomies are life altering in their side effects and many go into it not fully being able to appreciate the effects due to depression.

I also believe in the future that ECT will be viewed the same way as ice pick lobotomies, with the same horror due to the fact that both are abusive inhumane and bizarre medical practices.

I had 8 ECT therapies, all of them bilateral. It did not help me with my depression. I lost about a month of memory when ECT was taken and now I have problems with my short term memory as I fail to remember important stuff.

 

[needthebus]

I had 8 ECT therapies, all of them bilateral. It did not help me with my depression. I lost about a month of memory when ECT was taken and now I have problems with my short term memory as I fail to remember important stuff.

i'm so sorry, it's vicious corrupt, and evil what was done to you

did you feel like you were informed of the risks and that you could adequately understand them despite depression?

 

[danny10]

i'm so sorry, it's vicious corrupt, and evil what was done to you

did you feel like you were informed of the risks and that you could adequately understand them despite depression?

No, i wasn't informed at all about possible side effects. Doctor pretty much just said that I have treatment resistant depression and that I must get an ECT. I had no idea it would mess with my short term memory...

 

[needthebus]

No, i wasn't informed at all about possible side effects. Doctor pretty much just said that I have treatment resistant depression and that I must get an ECT. I had no idea it would mess with my short term memory...

it's completely fucking evil

one of the worst things about this is that even if you wanted to sue, a lot of people who are fucked over by doctors think "well, it's probably just a short term effect"

and then depression kicks and time elapses while wanting to die

and then it's too late to sue

if it were up to me i would round up every doctor who has done ECT and have it done to them for every patient they did it to, then fine them the cost of the ECT after. Fuck those pieces of shit, fuck clinicians who profit from this corrupt system of exploitation taking advantage of vulnerable people who don't speak out and are protected by a corrupt government. my only consolation is the wrath of global warming will eventually pour it's polluted cup on all of them as ecological disaster undoes even the most arrogant clinician

 

[wildflowercloud]

Sorry things are still so dark for you, it's been a hard journey for you thus far, best wishes.

Thank you so much! We really appreciate this and you

Good luck! I hope both of you find peace! All the best!

Thank you so much

As another DID system currently in the process of trying to cope with (emerging) horrific trauma, all our thoughts go out to you <3 I hope recovery is in the cards for your system and the pain lifts. Good luck friends

We have been there friends, and we're here in the trenches with you all it's not an easy ride in the slightest but we hope knowing that you're not completely alone is even just a little bit comforting We hope for goodness and contentment and safety for all of you at the very LEAST and would love for you all to thrive together some day despite all the horrific trauma. Solidarity with you all!

I'm sorry life has brought you to this point. DID is a heavy load both in its current form and the trauma from which it is borne.

Curious to know if the ECT affects each of your alters differently? Do some have side effects and some do not? Are there any alters who are more/less agreeable to the treatment? I have never heard of a system getting ECT so I am very curious.

Thank you so much for your kind words it definitely is a heavy load and is kind of like "the gift that keeps on giving" but not in a good way most of the time The trauma is horrendous for sure, and our love goes out to all people who experience trauma, in all its forms, it's not easy and so very hard to overcome. We haven't seen that other side of it ourselves but we hope for many others that they do get to see the other side of it and see the beauty that exists too

Those are very good questions, to which we apologise to say we don't have the best answers for yet as it's still early days with treatment, we have treatment number 4 tomorrow and the aim at the moment is 12 treatments.

ECT was questioned for a while because the mental health professionals didn't know how it would affect our system, but things got too dangerous and severe that they went for it despite those possible concerns. We have a high alter count in our system, but from what we've experienced so far with the alters who are out the most, the effects seem to affect us pretty similarly. The first two treatments we didn't notice much in the way of side effects other than tiredness, but after the 3rd we experienced not knowing what time of year it was, what season it was, what time of the week it was, and it took a lot of brain strain to get those memories back but they did return, and we felt that similarly throughout the system.

There are definitely alters against the treatment because all they want to do is die and they feel like we're just delaying the inevitable and wasting everyone's time. It's tricky.

We're sorry we couldn't give a better explanation! Hopefully as time goes on we'll have a better idea of how it affects us.

Thank you for being curious and caring

Trigger warning, these questions could be triggering.

A person once discussed ECT therapy when I was sad. I did research on it and saw many, many accounts of people who had horrfic extreme memory loss.

When ECT was discussed, this side effect seemed minimized, like it could possibly lead to mild memory issues and they might resolve.

From everything I read, it was significantly worse among almost everyone who had done it who posted about it. I am not a scientologist or anti-science.

After that experience, I was extraordinarily skeptical of the psychiatric industry, as that side effect was not clearly explained to me.

So my question is, did they explain clearly the severity of memory loss than can happen with ECT and that many people experience it to a severe degree?

My next question is, is this totally completely voluntary, or are you being pressured at all in the slightest to have ECT? Or do you not a have a choice.



Full disclosure: I am likely coming into this with a critical perspective, as from everything I've read, ECT, much like lobotomies are life altering in their side effects and many go into it not fully being able to appreciate the effects due to depression.

I also believe in the future that ECT will be viewed the same way as ice pick lobotomies, with the same horror due to the fact that both are abusive inhumane and bizarre medical practices.

Interesting views! There seems to be bunch of conflicting information out there, also in mind the people who experience severe side effects are more likely to share their experiences with others so that they don't have the same experiences, whereas those who get relief are more likely out living their life rather than sharing on the internet as much. That's just one theory though.

They definitely did talk about the memory loss side effect, and they did say that lots of people going through severe depression don't mind much of the memory loss because they were so depressed at the time those memories aren't necessarily ones that are wanted to be kept hold of, but they did also explain that often memory does often return and that can be at different rates for different people. I think it's similar to treatments where they can be life saving for some and life ending for others. For example we were put on clozapine while our experiences were being viewed as being psychosis and no other antipsychotics were working and this particular medication had been labeled as a gold star treatment for people with treatment resistant psychosis, but for us, we ended up developing pulmonary embolisms and there were worries about myocarditis that were side effects of that medication and we were in the high dependency ward getting blood thinners multiple times a day and such. Whereas clozapine has been a life changer for others.

Thankfully now our experiences are more made sense as being DID, so now it's a wait and see how it effects us the more treatments we get.

We do have a choice in the treatment yes, it has been highly recommended by our psychiatrist here with our particular presentation and he holds a lot of hope for it to help, so even though we're hopeless, we're just going with it in a curiosity way and see what happens. Suicide is pretty much always available so maybe it's not too bad to just try some recommended treatments and see how it goes.

Thank you so much for your interest and care, it's really appreciated

I had 18 ECT rounds for severe depression. I was desperate. Sadly, it didn't work for me. I had some memory loss around the time of treatment. No long term side eeffects. It wasn't as bad as it is portrayed, at least for me. They do put you to sleep to do it. I kept hoping I didn't wake up.

We're really sorry it didn't work for you, that's really rough. Very glad to hear you didn't have any long term side effects! Really feel for you about that feeling of not wanting to wake up, you must have been in a very dark space. We know since you are on this site things are likely still very hard for you, and we just want to put out warm and safe energy for you to rest in, and will keep hoping that you start to see the brightness and beauty in the world some day sooner than you expect

i hope you are doing well @wildflowercloud and that somehow im wrong in my skepticism and this ends up being helpful

Thank you so much, this is very appreciated

i mostly think this is true and much of psychiatry is an attempt to compenate for medical issues that lead to brain issues, ennui caused by societial dysfunction, and political problems with how society works.

I feel like psychiatry is similar to if a person kept getting a sunburn by sitting under a tanning lamp and and kept going to someone who changed them 200 dollars for some aloe cream mixed with lead.

In rare cases it seems to be useful, but funadmentally psychiatry tries to make people conform to what society sees as normal and cares little about the patient or whether "normal" makes sense while extracting tremendous amount of money from poor unhappy people. I really view it as vicious and camouflaged serpentinian trap for the naive. The amount of money and time that poor and vulnerable people spend, and the little benefit they get back, means the benefit relative to the cost is so low, with the benefits accruing to practitioners so lucrative. The whole thing disgusts me and reeks of trying to sell magic shoes to someone trapped in quicksand and telling them it will help. SSRIs are barely better than a placebo and the mental.health industry made billions on that con. I am not against medication but the whole thing is so exploitative, with the financial detriment and time detriment never taken into account by clinicians.

Is society broken? Are you lonely and suffering? Pay me 400 and I'll give you a pill with a 20 percent chance of making you feel better, or you can do nothing and get a 19.5 percent chance of.doing better.

It's just vile, and the whole way society does not call out doctors for being part of the racket is sad and seems to speak to the learned helplessness of those without means who are constantly exploited.

We can understand your perspectives, psychiatry ultimately is still in its early days of being researched and treatments being tried are often experimental and there's lots of information out there that explains that they don't know how these medicines work but that they can and do work for some people and can be a bit of trial and error. We do firmly believe that there are a large amount of mental health professionals who genuinely care for the people they are treating and try really hard to ease the pain they're in whether that be medications or therapies or things like ECT. I imagine it depends largely on where you live as well, as in NZ healthcare is free unless you pay for private health insurance for various reasons. Whereas we imagine (we may be wrong here of course) that where health care is needed to be paid for there are professionals who want to pad their pockets through the treatments they give without actual care for the people they're treating. It's a very tricky time universally around psychiatry and is vastly different based on location, so it's a hard one to get a proper grasp on and make steadfast opinions on. Very interesting conversation though!

I had 8 ECT therapies, all of them bilateral. It did not help me with my depression. I lost about a month of memory when ECT was taken and now I have problems with my short term memory as I fail to remember important stuff.

Sending out love to you and hope that over time the memory struggles improve and you get some relief