Help Ways to acces metoclopramid (and also hi!)

[Anneko1014]

Hi everyone. It's my first time sharing something here other than story on thread for newbies.

I plan to calmly CTB on may 15th - the anniversary of my relationship with my boyfriend who committed suicide. He was my reason for living, and his absence will become the reason for my death. There's nothing wrong with this in my opinion, I just don't want to live without him. I've always been reconciled with death, now I just have a reason to do it.

I want to leave just like he did, he left a note in the phone's notepad:

[ ] 23:00 - I
[ ] 23:15 - M
[ ] 23:30 - A
[ ] 00:00 - SN

600 I
3x10 M
2x100% A
2x 20/35 - SN

For the past 10 days, I've been trying to figure out what these symbols mean on my own. Now I know everything. What, where and how he did it. And i feel sooo good about it tbh! I know he didn't suffer and had a peaceful death <3

600 I - Ibuprofen
3x10mg M - Metoclopramidum Polpharma
2x100% A - Antacid Pantoprazole Genoptim
2x 20/35 SN - Sodium Nitrite

M&A was found in his backpack, i almost got it... But due to complications somebody threw it away. (I almost could have exactly the same pills!)

I have easy acces to SN (i found where he bought it via his mail), ibuprofen and antacid (no prescription needed)

Here comes the problem. I need an easy way to obtain Metoclopramidum in Poland (it must be the same medication, i want to feel exactly what he felt).

I have a photo of this medicine and a receipt (from his backpack). I think it might be useful.

I need ideas and advice on what to tell the doctor to prescribe me this medication. And how to hide from my family that I'm going for the appointment. Right now, I'm still being watched by my family and friends, so I need to do this as discreetly as possible. Any advice on alternative ways to get Metoclopramide is welcome!
I really want to join him on our anniversary. I will love him forever.

Ps. I'm really open to conversation (especially in my native language: polish, cuz my english sucks a llittle bit). We really had great time and i
want to share it with people. Any insights are welcome.

Thanks for reading <3

 

[iloverachel]

Hello I am so sorry to hear about the passing of your boy friend and how badly it affected you
I hope you find peace soon

 

[Anneko1014]

Hello I am so sorry to hear about the passing of your boy friend and how badly it affected you
I hope you find peace soon

Thank you so much for your kind words <3

 

[rozeske]

Hi! Welcome. I'm so sorry for your loss and for the way it's making you feel. May I ask when you lost him and what his reasons were if you know them?

 

[Anneko1014]

Hi! Welcome. I'm so sorry for your loss and for the way it's making you feel. May I ask when you lost him and what his reasons were if you know them?

Of course, I'd be happy to share. He passed away during the night of April 17th to 18th, quite recently - today is the funeral.

As for the reasons, there are countless. Unfortunately, he didn't leave any letter explaining anything before his death. He only had a note dated April 13, 2024, where he briefly wrote that he "leaves all his belongings to his girlfriend."

Personally, I'm terribly suffering because of this, but I also know quite well the reasons for his death and I understand him a lot:
01 Family. The worst people I know, true demons. They harassed him mentally and manipulated him. When I lived with him for a while, from the happiest person, I myself wanted to die.
02 Incurable skin disease - eczema. A very rare case, he went through a lot. He suffered a lot in childhood especially, couldn't practically eat anything, couldn't go anywhere, was bedridden. Since he met me, the disease started to retreat significantly and now it was really good! His life finally started to look normal (so even though it was good, his psyche suffered permanently from it)
03 He often told me that I was not right for him and that he deserved to die to free me from him. I often took care of him and he definitely felt like a huge burden. I also made a lot of mistakes in this relationship and I feel like I could have saved him, but I couldn't.
04 Existential problems, he considered the world as a bad place, full of suffering and terrible people. (But also he had a lot of things he loved!!! I promise, he was the b e s t)
05 He hated himself. He hated his psyche, yet he was somewhat proud of being like that.
06 He spent the most wonderful month of his life with me now and I think when he returned home, everything came back to him and he broke. He couldn't bear it anymore, yet now he was strong enough to commit.

There are more reasons and situations, but I think these are the most important ones. Thank you for your interest!

 

[rozeske]

Thank you for sharing with us, it must not have been easy for you. It seems like he suffered a lot and decided that suicide was the only way out for him. I'm sure he contemplated his decision a lot before taking action. You mentioned his death is quite recent and the funeral not done yet, I wish you the best in getting through those tough times. Grief is not an easy thing and certainly not when it's a close loved one. Take your time to process your grief and to think your plans through. It will be your decision at the end but you are still in pain so give it some time before you make any decision.

 

[Lifeaffirmingchoice]

Hi everyone. It's my first time sharing something here other than story on thread for newbies.

I plan to calmly CTB on may 15th - the anniversary of my relationship with my boyfriend who committed suicide. He was my reason for living, and his absence will become the reason for my death. There's nothing wrong with this in my opinion, I just don't want to live without him. I've always been reconciled with death, now I just have a reason to do it.

I want to leave just like he did, he left a note in the phone's notepad:

[ ] 23:00 - I
[ ] 23:15 - M
[ ] 23:30 - A
[ ] 00:00 - SN

600 I
3x10 M
2x100% A
2x 20/35 - SN

For the past 10 days, I've been trying to figure out what these symbols mean on my own. Now I know everything. What, where and how he did it. And i feel sooo good about it tbh! I know he didn't suffer and had a peaceful death <3

600 I - Ibuprofen
3x10mg M - Metoclopramidum Polpharma
2x100% A - Antacid Pantoprazole Genoptim
2x 20/35 SN - Sodium Nitrite

M&A was found in his backpack, i almost got it... But due to complications somebody threw it away. (I almost could have exactly the same pills!)

I have easy acces to SN (i found where he bought it via his mail), ibuprofen and antacid (no prescription needed)

Here comes the problem. I need an easy way to obtain Metoclopramidum in Poland (it must be the same medication, i want to feel exactly what he felt).

I have a photo of this medicine and a receipt (from his backpack). I think it might be useful.

I need ideas and advice on what to tell the doctor to prescribe me this medication. And how to hide from my family that I'm going for the appointment. Right now, I'm still being watched by my family and friends, so I need to do this as discreetly as possible. Any advice on alternative ways to get Metoclopramide is welcome!
I really want to join him on our anniversary. I will love him forever.

Ps. I'm really open to conversation (especially in my native language: polish, cuz my english sucks a llittle bit). We really had great time and i
want to share it with people. Any insights are welcome.

Thanks for reading <3

Best of luck, I hope you'll be reunited with him soon.

 

[Anneko1014]

Best of luck, I hope you'll be reunited with him soon.

Thank you! Really, I want to join him. Wherever he is or isn't.

Thank you for sharing with us, it must not have been easy for you. It seems like he suffered a lot and decided that suicide was the only way out for him. I'm sure he contemplated his decision a lot before taking action. You mentioned his death is quite recent and the funeral not done yet, I wish you the best in getting through those tough times. Grief is not an easy thing and certainly not when it's a close loved one. Take your time to process your grief and to think your plans through. It will be your decision at the end but you are still in pain so give it some time before you make any decision.

I'm trying to give myself this time, but in reality, the decision was made by me while he was still alive. But thank you for the reminder, I'll try to open my mind to some alternative thoughts.

 

[rozeske]

I'm trying to give myself this time, but in reality, the decision was made by me while he was still alive. But thank you for the reminder, I'll try to open my mind to some alternative thoughts

I wish you all the best in your decisions whatever they may endup being. To answer your original question, Metoclopramide is just a dopamine antagonist antiemetic that is taken to help with nausea, so you don't throw up the SN. If you can't buy them without a prescription, you could tell your GP you are having migraine with persistent nausea.

 

[Anneko1014]

I wish you all the best in your decisions whatever they may endup being. To answer your original question, Metoclopramide is just a dopamine antagonist antiemetic that is taken to help with nausea, so you don't throw up the SN. If you can't buy them without a prescription, you could tell your GP you are having migraine with persistent nausea.

I've read a lot about Metoclopramide. I'm just wondering how to approach the doctor without seeming suspicious. Ideally, I'd honestly like to find some external source, maybe buy it from someone somehow. As a last resort, I'll go to the doctor, cuz it seems risky. But I guess I'm overthinking it maybe. I like to have all planned out.

 

[mellie5]

Metoclopramid is just something to avoid vomiting, nothing more. No doctor in the world would think you want a prescription for suicide.

@Anneko1014 metoclopramid needs a prescription in Poland.

W kazdym razie, nie wyglada mi jak najlepsza metode. Ibuprofen tylko troche lagodzi bol. Metoclopramid "blokuje" zoladek/jelita - blocks stomach and intestine movements and pantoprazol does absolutely nothing.

I understand your point of view in wanting to feel the same, but I suspect your boyfriend might have had a different weight and different organs than you.

Also consider that your boyfriend died not so long ago and you are absolutely in grief, so I don't know if your decision to follow him so quickly is a decision taken calmly and considering all the pros and cons.

Gdybys chciala porozmawiac na PM moze, tylko nie gwarantuje szybka odpowiedz bo czasami jestem zajety :-)

no, I am not Polish but I speak a bunch of languages.

Rozumiem, zycie nie ma sensu i po co zyc dalej ale idk, it would be better to wait and especially see a doctor because there is medicine that can make what you are feeling now go away.

It seems to me that you want to die to make your suffering end but if the goal is to make a suffering end, then there are other solutions you can try first, because dying is irreversible and it could be that you will be able to survive this present suffering.

 

[Anneko1014]

Metoclopramid is just something to avoid vomiting, nothing more. No doctor in the world would think you want a prescription for suicide.

@Anneko1014 metoclopramid needs a prescription in Poland.

W kazdym razie, nie wyglada mi jak najlepsza metode. Ibuprofen tylko troche lagodzi bol. Metoclopramid "blokuje" zoladek/jelita - blocks stomach and intestine movements and pantoprazol does absolutely nothing.

I understand your point of view in wanting to feel the same, but I suspect your boyfriend might have had a different weight and different organs than you.

Also consider that your boyfriend died not so long ago and you are absolutely in grief, so I don't know if your decision to follow him so quickly is a decision taken calmly and considering all the pros and cons.

Gdybys chciala porozmawiac na PM moze, tylko nie gwarantuje szybka odpowiedz bo czasami jestem zajety :-)

no, I am not Polish but I speak a bunch of languages.

Rozumiem, zycie nie ma sensu i po co zyc dalej ale idk, it would be better to wait and especially see a doctor because there is medicine that can make what you are feeling now go away.

It seems to me that you want to die to make your suffering end but if the goal is to make a suffering end, then there are other solutions you can try first, because dying is irreversible and it could be that you will be able to survive this present suffering.

Thank you for your response!

Regarding the method, I'm not afraid of pain. I know my stomach will probably hurt a bit (I was told that when he was dying, he was holding his stomach). Honestly, whenever I thought about killing myself, jumping from a height was always the method closest to my heart! But I'm sure I want to die like him. I don't want to move on. Interestingly, we had practically the same weight, around 50 kg, so I guess the same dose will be appropriate.

As for my decision, I really thought it through. I talked to doctors, even grief specialists. I just made sure of my decision.

As for feeling pain - sometimes it comes, sometimes it goes. But even when I'm happy, I still want to die. For me, the desire for death is not about suffering.

I'll definitely reach out in DM as soon as I have a moment.

 

[mellie5]

no worries, no need to send DMs, you can also just reply here. DM mozesz po PL gdyby cos.

well, you seem not to be so impulsive then. It's always hard to separate being impulsive from having thought about it. Jumping is something I would avoid, so many things can go wrong and there's that lady who fell from a plane at 33k feet (11km) and survived - her name was Vesna Vulovic, just search.

When a bf/gf leave it's very difficult to imagine the world can go on and one wishes one had a nice pill of leaving, but I understand you, sometimes it's all too overwhelming and why should I stay.

While ofc I wish you manage to stay I wish there was a way for someone like you to write, after, it was so and so and I felt so and so. But this will never happen.

I have a passport, visa and ticket, I just worry about immigration, because nothing is really guaranteed and then there's no holiday :(