Ways of making peace with dying

[c824767]

interesting about the hair loss. I am female and had a bit of hair loss because of the lithium, I think. I felt so depressed. People think this is superficial. When I see someone with hair that is worse than mine, I feel sooooo gooood. life is ridiculous. I wish I did not have to think these thoughts. They are driving me insane if I were not already insane. Every stupid detail of life is nerve wracking.

 

[Mixo]

Amazing post - bumping so people can see.

 

[virginiawoolf86]

Amazing post - bumping so people can see.

Thank you for doing so. It was an incredibly enlightening read. Helped me come to terms with things.

 

[sadworld]

I like this thread.

 

[letmeseethedeath]

i love this thread, i needed one

 

[Deleted member 17949]

I just eat chocolate and reflect on the fact that death is kind cool

 

[letmeseethedeath]

I just eat chocolate and reflect on the fact that death is kind cool

me too i'm eating chocolate in this bad day

 

[death137]

I read this thread long before I registered. Its my #1 favorite.

 

[ecmnesia]

(8) Someone has compiled a lot of thoughtful ideas on the (painful) nature of human existence, titled Reality Is Negative. It is about the tragedy of life. I am finding it helpful. It is here:

does anybody knows where can I find it? this link is currently not working.

 

[drnhng]

i've read this thread so many times

 

[Scotty]

Beautifully put. I love that setting of "The Holly and the Ivy." What other choral music do you listen to?

 

[grungeCat]

If somebody wants to download 'Reality is negative' then here's a working link :

Reality is Negative

MediaFire is a simple to use free service that lets you put all your photos, documents, music, and video in a single place so you can access them anywhere and share them everywhere.

www.mediafire.com

 

[ManWithNoName]

"But if you feel yourself falling away and losing control, retire in good heart to some corner where you will regain control—or else make a complete exit from life, not in anger, but simply, freely, with integrity, making this leaving of it at least one achievement in your life "
—Marcus Aurelius

 

[ManWithNoName]

If somebody wants to download 'Reality is negative' then here's a working link :

Reality is Negative

MediaFire is a simple to use free service that lets you put all your photos, documents, music, and video in a single place so you can access them anywhere and share them everywhere.

www.mediafire.com

Some rather interesting existentialist issues brought up in that document.

 

[affinity]

Your post was a gift to me & others here. I felt a sense of comradarie and feeling understood. Thank you for such a profound contribution to my CTB journey.

"Biology meets circumstances..."

Yup. Thats about it.

This is one of the first threads I've read on this forum and I'm now trying to get my post count up to access the search function so I can find her other posts.

I'm not sure if it's appropriate to say, but I really wish I would have had the opportunity to speak with her. She had a very interesting perspective and perhaps she had a change of heart. Either way, I hope she is at peace

 

[Labean]

Часть движения к моему свиданию - это еще больше примириться со смертью. Не просто смерть (уже не существующая здесь), но и сама смерть - это препятствие между жизнью и смертью, с которым я тоже должен столкнуться в пути. Я думаю, что «умирание» - это то место, где большинство людей по понятным причинам зацикливаются на страхе. Я чувствую, что психологический процесс примирения с вещами - большая часть того, что позволяет людям инициировать и переносить умирающую часть.

Я хотел бы поделиться некоторыми способами мышления о смерти и умирании, которые помогли мне обрести мир. Да, они являются личными для меня и жизненного контекста, но, возможно, некоторые из них найдут отклик и у других. Если они оказывают кому-либо поддержку или утешение, то такой обмен стоит того.

Для контекста, мне 31 / F.

Для информации, я не ищу здесь совета и, конечно же, никаких комментариев в защиту жизни (может быть, у вас есть надежда и т. Д.).

(1) Независимо от того, наступила ли смерть в результате самоубийства или естественным путем, почти каждому человеку необходимо примириться со смертью в течение своей жизни. Этот процесс не только для тех, кто хочет успеть на автобус. Если бы мне было 75 лет и я умирал от рака, я бы все еще чувствовал, как мое сердце сжимается в груди, слушая мою любимую хоровую музыку, чувствуя ее красоту и в то же время ожидающую ее утрату, осознавая ее неспособность спасти меня: либо от смерть или депрессия. Мне все равно нужно было бы примириться с тем, чтобы оставить позади то, что кажется хорошим или прекрасным в жизни, например, старые здания и горные пейзажи, и пережить чувство трагедии, что я должен больше не испытывать хорошие вещи (минуту, как они стать в моей реальности).

(2) Смерть пугает почти всех и часто болезненна. Это не уникально для самоубийц. Недавно я посмотрел 3 фильма (все из которых я рекомендую), в которых есть проблемы со здоровьем и преждевременная смерть главного героя: «Я перед тобой», «Дыши» и «Ты - не ты». Все они (особенно «Дыши и не ты») сталкиваются с госпитализацией, страхом смерти, физической болью и огромной неуверенностью в том, как наступит смерть и как она будет ощущаться. Наполнятся ли твои легкие жидкостью, и ты утонешь? Вы будете задыхаться, задыхаясь? Вы будете страдать от боли? Это затянется на часы? И будете ли вы в течение многих лет страдать от возрастного упадка, например, от слабоумия или двигательного заболевания?

Каждый хочет умереть во сне. Вот почему многие пожилые люди, например, через Exit International, хотят взять конец своей жизни в свои руки. У них хватило мужества дожить до старости (в отличие от многих из нас), но даже на этом этапе жизни есть много опасений по поводу того, каким будет естественный конец. Поскольку естественная смерть (очевидная панацея, от которой мы должны бороться) часто бывает пугающей, болезненной и крайне неопределенной, самоубийство может обеспечить более быструю и менее болезненную смерть, когда человек к этому готов. Я считаю, что это может помочь осознать, что даже многие пожилые люди сталкиваются с множеством логистических вопросов в конце жизни, с которыми сталкиваются молодые суицидальные люди, и со всем страхом, окружающим их. Мы могли бы дожить до старости и все равно оказаться в этой точке.

(3) Я думаю, что многие эмоции, которые я испытал, когда я приближался к самоубийству за последние 15 месяцев, на самом деле просто горе: горе из-за потери того хорошего, что у меня было раньше. Я мог бы дожить до 65 успешно, красиво, а потом все могло бы тогда развалиться: финансово, с моим здоровьем и т. Д. И я был бы брошен в реальность скорби о том, что я потерял, в 65 лет вместо 31: изменение к худшему в моих обстоятельствах и к реальности, что я никогда не смогу восстановить то, чем я (или моя жизнь) был раньше. Было бы намного проще, если бы мне было 65 лет? Возможно нет. В любом случае это трудный путь.

Здесь есть хорошая статья о горе, когда у вас развивается хроническое заболевание или травма, но я думаю, что это применимо к любым изменениям к худшему в обстоятельствах, когда вы не можете восстановить свою старую жизнь; и когда вы не знаете, как жить своей новой, или можете ли вы:
https://www.socialworktoday.com/archive/070714p18.shtml

(4) Что касается (3), я думаю, что многое из того, о чем я горевал, на самом деле просто стареет. Это началось с того, что я огорчился из-за психического заболевания в прошлом году: мой блестящий ум, моя карьера и так далее. Но к настоящему времени слишком много вещей изменилось психологически и физически, причем не из-за психических заболеваний, а просто из-за старения. Они подавляют меня; они просто, в буквальном смысле слова, невыносимы. Это старение? Забери меня отсюда.

Во-первых, я испытываю горе из-за потери своей необычной красоты. (Мне всего 31 год, это еще не все, но он сильно пострадал - особенно из-за сильного выпадения волос.) Физически красивые люди могут понять уникальную радость быть красивыми в жизни, даже не осознавая этого. , как это влияет на ваше мировоззрение и взаимодействие с миром. Теряя это, вы теряете большую часть того, кем были всегда. Жизнь становится унылой и приземленной. Для чего все это без красоты? Я не сужу о телесности других людей, но я чувствую это на себе.

И я испытываю горе из-за того, что оставляю позади другие вещи, которые я никогда не смогу восстановить: мое оксфордское образование, полон надежд и возможностей в жизни, легкий характер моих теплых, юных друзей и отношений, комфорт в своей коже, мое физическое тело (это просто меняется в худшую сторону с возрастом, что бы вы ни делали), опыт и возможность романтической любви. Я провел большую часть своего двадцатилетия в образовании, и все же ясно, что это был лишь один этап моей жизни. Я процветал там полностью, но это было всего лишь время. Невероятно сложно перейти в новую фазу жизни, где не было бы чего-то, что было вашей личностью. (И я больше не мог делать то, что делал тогда; мой мозг находился в уникально восприимчивом пространстве, которого больше нет. Я просто перечитывал некоторые старые статьи, которые я написал, и это было просто особенное время).

Например, кто такой Гарри Поттер, когда с Хогвартсом покончено и мир спокоен? Я потерял свой Хогвартс и себя.

Это как если бы все это было определенным возрастом, обладанием определенными качествами ума и тела; и когда эти вещи со временем отпадают, на их месте появляется великая пустота. Почти все, что я любил и ради чего жил, больше не существует. Опять же, что осталось? Ничего. Конечно, недостаточно для поддержания жизни.

Я, честно говоря, не знаю, как люди живут в свои 30, 40, 50 и старше. Как они переносят старение? (Я также считаю, что в 19-30 моя жизнь была настолько хорошей, что между ее содержанием тогда и сегодня существует настоящая пропасть; и этот контраст меня просто выбил.)

(5) Еще одна часть горя для меня - это горе из-за того, что жизнь не может быть по-настоящему красивой. Я всегда думал, что это возможно - я ожидал великого будущего, изобилующего прекрасным историческим домом, увлекательной карьерой и т.д. Уберите прекрасные части, и прекрасной жизни не будет. Это осознание шокировало мою систему.

В любом случае, если обобщить мои мысли относительно горя, я думаю, что все это скорее часть человеческого опыта. Это не является уникальным ни для меня, ни для самоубийства как такового. Многие люди чудесным образом могут жить с таким горем - и многие, кто прочитает статью о «скорбящих хронических заболеваниях / травмах», неизбежно сделают это. Я сам не могу. Для меня это хроническое, безжалостное горе, которое делает жизнь невыносимой.

Мне становится спокойнее осознавать, что большая часть моего суицидального поведения на самом деле - это горе из-за человеческого состояния в этом смысле и моя неспособность принять это и жить среди этой боли.

(6) Я думаю, что самое важное при выборе метода - выбрать тот, который (а) является надежным и (б) вы можете заставить себя это сделать. Неважно, насколько это безупречно, если вы не можете заставить себя это сделать. И будьте как можно нежнее с собой. Я не собираюсь больше просыпаться рано, чтобы сделать это, и заставляю себя бояться; Я сделаю это в своем собственном темпе, сделаю все по порядку, не торопясь. Легкость в этом. Все, что делает его выполнимым и максимально комфортным. Хотел бы я засунуть шоколад в рот после того, как выпью его, как людям разрешено поступать с нембуталом. Эй, может я позволю себе только одну. Мне нравится, что.

(7) Что касается того, что происходит после смерти, я думаю, что наибольшее мужество для совершения поступка дает просто позволить себе верить в то, что кажется наиболее утешительным. Идеальная реальность? Несуществование? Воссоединение с близкими? Технически я верю, что мы - биологические случайности, и небытие - наша конечная цель. Но пока я позволяю себе поверить в совершенный мир, созданный мной, населенный всеми моими любимыми людьми. Без сомнения, я воспользуюсь этим «в данный момент», чтобы почувствовать себя сильнее.

Возможно, я добавлю немного личной мифологии о том, как поймать там Рыцарский автобус из Гарри Поттера. Почему нет?

(8) Кто-то собрал множество вдумчивых идей о (болезненной) природе человеческого существования под названием «Реальность отрицательна». Это о трагедии жизни. Я нахожу это полезным. Это здесь:


(9) У меня есть работающий документ Word - моя предсмертная записка. Я немного поправлял его каждый день. Это помогает мне лучше реагировать на эмоции людей и наводить порядок в своих делах. Рекомендую такой подход - он очень успокаивающий. Я напечатаю его как раз перед тем, как приму противорвотное средство, чтобы мне было чем заняться.

Одна из моих любимых песен:
[MEDIA = youtube] l7eHtDtZ7hs [/ MEDIA]

РЕДАКТИРОВАТЬ: я добавил точку 7 и исправил нумерацию :)

 

[dyingalone123]

Old post but I found this to be helpful. Rip OP if you're no longer here.

 

[FuneralCry]

The OPs post is very well written. I hope they found the peace they were looking for.

 

[PrincessInWhite]

Just commenting to boost this post. I come back to this thread very often. I have silent tears running down my face as I read.

Someone recommended "the Good Place" to me and it has helped me come to terms with death more than I was before, but I definitely would still love any media recommendations anyone has

 

[JinZhin]

Beautiful post.
There are so many things that it makes me feel, but what I want to mention, what resonated the most with me is lack of true beauty in living.
Ever since I was a kid I think I have lived for beauty I see in things and deemed everything else a poor reason to stay alive, but that as well comes to an end.

 

[Rabhen]

This is an incredibly rich post, thank you for taking the time to write—you have a clarity of thought about death that I admire.

An enormous part of my desire to ctb is also grief for the human condition as you put it. I feel "woke", and wonder what the hell I was doing all of those years as I went to work, seemingly oblivious to the suffering all around me—near and far.

agreed

 

[FuneralCry]

I know I already commented but, all the other threads I wanted to reply to (even my own thread) got locked but this is still here. This is my favourite post and I read it all the time. Thank you for making this. I have no more words, there is nothing else I ever need to say apart from my appreciation for this post.

 

[LADY007]

Part of moving toward my date is making ever greater peace with dying. Not just death (no longer being here), but dying itself - that hurdle between living and death that I must also encounter en route. I think the 'dying' is where most people get hung up, understandably, with fear. I feel that the psychological process of making peace with things is a big part of what enables people to initiate and endure the dying part.

I'd like to share some ways of thinking about death and dying that have been helping me to make my peace. They are personal to my mind and life context, yes, but perhaps some of them will resonate with others, too. If they lend support or comfort to anyone, then the sharing is worthwhile.

For context, I am 31/F.

For info, I am not seeking advice here, and certainly no pro-life commentary (maybe there's hope for you, etc).

(1) Whether death comes by suicide or naturally, nearly every person needs to come to terms with death in their lifetime. This process is not just for those who want to catch the bus. If I were 75 and dying of cancer, I would still feel my heart wringing in my chest listening to my favorite choral music, feeling its beauty and the pending loss of it at the same time, aware of its inability to save me: either from death, or depression. I would still need to make my peace with leaving behind the things that feel good or beautiful in life, like old buildings and mountain vistas, and endure the sense of tragedy that I must cease to experience the good things anymore (minute as they've become in my reality).

(2) Death is scary for nearly everyone, and often painful. This isn't unique to the suicidal. I've watched 3 movies lately (all of which I recommend), which involve health problems and the protagonist dying prematurely: Me Before You, Breathe, and You're Not You. All of them (especially Breathe & You're Not You) face hospitalizations and death scares and physical pain, and a huge amount of uncertainty over how death will come about, and how it will feel. Will your lungs fill with fluid and you'll drown? Will you be gasping for air, asphyxiated? Will you be suffering in pain? Will it drag out for hours? And will you be suffering for years beforehand with age-related decline, eg with dementia or a motor disease?

Everyone wants to die in their sleep. This is why a lot of old people, eg through Exit International, want to take the end of their lives into their own hands. They've had the fortitude to make it to old age (unlike many of us), but even at that stage of life, there is plenty of fear about what a natural end will be like. Since natural death (the apparent panacea that we're meant to hold out for) is often scary and painful, and highly uncertain, suicide can provide a quicker, less painful death when a person is ready. I feel it can help to recognize that even many older people are facing many of the logistical end-of-life questions that young suicidal people face, and all the fear surrounding them. We could live to old age, and still end up at this point.

(3) I think a lot of the emotion I've experienced, as I've edged toward suicide over the past 15 months, is really just pure grief: grief over losing the good things I had before. I could have lived till 65 successfully, beautifully, and then everything could have fallen apart then: financially, with my health, etc. And I would be thrown into the reality of grieving what I had lost, at 65 instead of 31: the change for the worse in my circumstances, and the reality that I could never recover what I (or my life) had previously been. Would it be so much easier, just because I was 65? Probably not. It's a hard road to walk either way.

There is a good article here on grieving when you develop a chronic illness or injury, but I think it applies to any change for the worse in circumstances, when you cannot recover your old life; and when you don't know how to live your new one, or whether you can:
https://www.socialworktoday.com/archive/070714p18.shtml

(4) Related to (3), I think much of what I've been grieving is actually just getting older. It started out as grieving the me I had lost to mental illness last year: my brilliant brain, my career, and so on. But by now there are too many things that have changed, mentally and physically, that aren't due to mental illness, but just to getting older. They overwhelm me; they are just, quite literally, too much to bear. This is aging? Get me out of here.

For one, I experience grief over losing my unusual beauty. (I am only 31, it is not all gone, but it has taken an enormous hit - especially with severe hair loss.) People who are physically beautiful may understand the unique joy of being beautiful in life, even without being really aware of it, how it shapes your outlook and interactions with the world. Losing that, you lose much of who you have always been. Life becomes dreary and mundane. Without beauty, what is it all for? I don't judge other people's physicality, but it feels that way for myself.

And I experience grief over leaving behind other things I can never recover: my Oxford education, being full of promise and possibility in life, the easy nature of my warm, youthful friendships and relationships, being comfortable in my skin, my physical body (it does just change for the worse with age, no matter what you do), the experience and possibility of romantic love. I spent most of my 20s in education, and yet it's clear that that was just one phase of my life. I thrived there completely, but it was just a time. It is incredibly hard to move into a new phase of life where something that was your identity does not feature. (And nor could I do anymore what I did then; my brain was in a uniquely receptive space, which it isn't anymore. I was just rereading some old papers I wrote, and it was just a special time).

Like, who is Harry Potter when Hogwarts is done with, and the world is calm? I've lost my Hogwarts, and myself.

It's like there's this whole package of being a certain age, having certain qualities of mind and body; and when those things fall away over time, there is just this great emptiness in its place. Just about everything I've loved and have lived for is no longer present. Again, what is left? Just - nothing. Not enough to sustain a life, certainly.

I honestly don't know how people go on through their 30s, 40s, 50s and beyond. How do they bear getting older? (I also think my life was so good from 19-30, that there is a veritable chasm between its content then and today; and the contrast has knocked me out flat.)

(5) A further part of grief, for me, is the grief that life cannot be truly beautiful. I always thought that it could - I anticipated a great future, replete with a lovely historic home, a fascinating career, etc. But then, I was in my 20s, and there was that 'whole life package' going on in that decade. Remove the lovely pieces, and there is no lovely life. This realization has come as a shock to my system.

Anyhow, to sum up my thoughts regarding grief, I think it is all rather part of the human experience. It is not unique to me, nor to the suicidal per se. Many people are miraculously able to live with such grief - as many who read the 'grieving chronic illness/injury' article will inevitably do. I, myself, cannot. For me it is a chronic grief, unrelenting, and it makes life unliveable to me.

It makes me feel more peaceful to realize that a big part of my suicidality is actually grief over the human condition, in this sense, and my inability to accept it and live on in the midst of that pain.

(6) I think the most important thing, when choosing a method, is to choose one that (a) is reliable, and (b) you can bring yourself to do. It doesn't matter how flawless it is, if you cannot bring yourself to do it. And be as gentle with yourself as you can around it. I'm not going to wake up early to do it anymore, and give myself an alarm to dread; I'll do it at my own pace, get everything ordered, not rush myself. Ease into it. Just whatever makes it feel doable, and as comfortable as possible. I wish I could stuff chocolates into my mouth after I have drunk it, the way people are allowed to do with Nembutal. Hey, maybe I will allow myself just one. I like that.

(7) As far as what comes after death, I think that what provides the most courage to carry out the act is just letting yourself believe whatever feels most comforting. A perfect reality? Non-existence? Reuniting with loved ones? I technically believe we are biological accidents, and non-existence is our ultimate end. But for now, I'm allowing myself to believe in a perfect world of my making, populated by all my favorite people. No doubt I will draw on this 'in the moment' to make me feel stronger.

Perhaps I'll add in some personal mythology about catching the Knight Bus from Harry Potter there. Why not?

(8) Someone has compiled a lot of thoughtful ideas on the (painful) nature of human existence, titled Reality Is Negative. It is about the tragedy of life. I am finding it helpful. It is here:


(9) I have a running Word doc going that is my suicide note. I've been amending it a bit every day. It's helping me feel better about responding to people's emotions, and setting my affairs in order. I recommend this approach - it's very settling. I will print it just before, after I have taken my anti-emetics, to give me something to do.

One of my favorite songs:


EDIT: I added point 7 and fixed the numbering : )

I totally understand your sadness about losing beauty. It's not feeling better than anyone else.. It's putting make-up on a face you don't recognize anymore. There was a feeling of satisfaction (of OK.... now I am me) that doesn't exist. Feeling you no longer exist and each decade you look farther away from who you were. It's just as I have learned at 70 years old .. It is a series of painful losses... losing things about yourself, losing people/friends to death and illness, etc. Losing the reality that when you were 30, you had time and the energy to regroup and find yourself. Not at 70. I was a positive person, even when I was in a very defeated situation. I ventured out and found a man who needed and loved me just as I was. For 37 years we did well together. Now he is 82 and I am 70... It's obvious who is going to pass on first. I have no intention of facing the empty aloneness by myself. We have no children's and I have no relatives. I will not hang on until I am powerless.

 

[WeepingWillow]

Part of moving toward my date is making ever greater peace with dying. Not just death (no longer being here), but dying itself - that hurdle between living and death that I must also encounter en route. I think the 'dying' is where most people get hung up, understandably, with fear. I feel that the psychological process of making peace with things is a big part of what enables people to initiate and endure the dying part.

I'd like to share some ways of thinking about death and dying that have been helping me to make my peace. They are personal to my mind and life context, yes, but perhaps some of them will resonate with others, too. If they lend support or comfort to anyone, then the sharing is worthwhile.

For context, I am 31/F.

For info, I am not seeking advice here, and certainly no pro-life commentary (maybe there's hope for you, etc).

(1) Whether death comes by suicide or naturally, nearly every person needs to come to terms with death in their lifetime. This process is not just for those who want to catch the bus. If I were 75 and dying of cancer, I would still feel my heart wringing in my chest listening to my favorite choral music, feeling its beauty and the pending loss of it at the same time, aware of its inability to save me: either from death, or depression. I would still need to make my peace with leaving behind the things that feel good or beautiful in life, like old buildings and mountain vistas, and endure the sense of tragedy that I must cease to experience the good things anymore (minute as they've become in my reality).

(2) Death is scary for nearly everyone, and often painful. This isn't unique to the suicidal. I've watched 3 movies lately (all of which I recommend), which involve health problems and the protagonist dying prematurely: Me Before You, Breathe, and You're Not You. All of them (especially Breathe & You're Not You) face hospitalizations and death scares and physical pain, and a huge amount of uncertainty over how death will come about, and how it will feel. Will your lungs fill with fluid and you'll drown? Will you be gasping for air, asphyxiated? Will you be suffering in pain? Will it drag out for hours? And will you be suffering for years beforehand with age-related decline, eg with dementia or a motor disease?

Everyone wants to die in their sleep. This is why a lot of old people, eg through Exit International, want to take the end of their lives into their own hands. They've had the fortitude to make it to old age (unlike many of us), but even at that stage of life, there is plenty of fear about what a natural end will be like. Since natural death (the apparent panacea that we're meant to hold out for) is often scary and painful, and highly uncertain, suicide can provide a quicker, less painful death when a person is ready. I feel it can help to recognize that even many older people are facing many of the logistical end-of-life questions that young suicidal people face, and all the fear surrounding them. We could live to old age, and still end up at this point.

(3) I think a lot of the emotion I've experienced, as I've edged toward suicide over the past 15 months, is really just pure grief: grief over losing the good things I had before. I could have lived till 65 successfully, beautifully, and then everything could have fallen apart then: financially, with my health, etc. And I would be thrown into the reality of grieving what I had lost, at 65 instead of 31: the change for the worse in my circumstances, and the reality that I could never recover what I (or my life) had previously been. Would it be so much easier, just because I was 65? Probably not. It's a hard road to walk either way.

There is a good article here on grieving when you develop a chronic illness or injury, but I think it applies to any change for the worse in circumstances, when you cannot recover your old life; and when you don't know how to live your new one, or whether you can:
https://www.socialworktoday.com/archive/070714p18.shtml

(4) Related to (3), I think much of what I've been grieving is actually just getting older. It started out as grieving the me I had lost to mental illness last year: my brilliant brain, my career, and so on. But by now there are too many things that have changed, mentally and physically, that aren't due to mental illness, but just to getting older. They overwhelm me; they are just, quite literally, too much to bear. This is aging? Get me out of here.

For one, I experience grief over losing my unusual beauty. (I am only 31, it is not all gone, but it has taken an enormous hit - especially with severe hair loss.) People who are physically beautiful may understand the unique joy of being beautiful in life, even without being really aware of it, how it shapes your outlook and interactions with the world. Losing that, you lose much of who you have always been. Life becomes dreary and mundane. Without beauty, what is it all for? I don't judge other people's physicality, but it feels that way for myself.

And I experience grief over leaving behind other things I can never recover: my Oxford education, being full of promise and possibility in life, the easy nature of my warm, youthful friendships and relationships, being comfortable in my skin, my physical body (it does just change for the worse with age, no matter what you do), the experience and possibility of romantic love. I spent most of my 20s in education, and yet it's clear that that was just one phase of my life. I thrived there completely, but it was just a time. It is incredibly hard to move into a new phase of life where something that was your identity does not feature. (And nor could I do anymore what I did then; my brain was in a uniquely receptive space, which it isn't anymore. I was just rereading some old papers I wrote, and it was just a special time).

Like, who is Harry Potter when Hogwarts is done with, and the world is calm? I've lost my Hogwarts, and myself.

It's like there's this whole package of being a certain age, having certain qualities of mind and body; and when those things fall away over time, there is just this great emptiness in its place. Just about everything I've loved and have lived for is no longer present. Again, what is left? Just - nothing. Not enough to sustain a life, certainly.

I honestly don't know how people go on through their 30s, 40s, 50s and beyond. How do they bear getting older? (I also think my life was so good from 19-30, that there is a veritable chasm between its content then and today; and the contrast has knocked me out flat.)

(5) A further part of grief, for me, is the grief that life cannot be truly beautiful. I always thought that it could - I anticipated a great future, replete with a lovely historic home, a fascinating career, etc. But then, I was in my 20s, and there was that 'whole life package' going on in that decade. Remove the lovely pieces, and there is no lovely life. This realization has come as a shock to my system.

Anyhow, to sum up my thoughts regarding grief, I think it is all rather part of the human experience. It is not unique to me, nor to the suicidal per se. Many people are miraculously able to live with such grief - as many who read the 'grieving chronic illness/injury' article will inevitably do. I, myself, cannot. For me it is a chronic grief, unrelenting, and it makes life unliveable to me.

It makes me feel more peaceful to realize that a big part of my suicidality is actually grief over the human condition, in this sense, and my inability to accept it and live on in the midst of that pain.

(6) I think the most important thing, when choosing a method, is to choose one that (a) is reliable, and (b) you can bring yourself to do. It doesn't matter how flawless it is, if you cannot bring yourself to do it. And be as gentle with yourself as you can around it. I'm not going to wake up early to do it anymore, and give myself an alarm to dread; I'll do it at my own pace, get everything ordered, not rush myself. Ease into it. Just whatever makes it feel doable, and as comfortable as possible. I wish I could stuff chocolates into my mouth after I have drunk it, the way people are allowed to do with Nembutal. Hey, maybe I will allow myself just one. I like that.

(7) As far as what comes after death, I think that what provides the most courage to carry out the act is just letting yourself believe whatever feels most comforting. A perfect reality? Non-existence? Reuniting with loved ones? I technically believe we are biological accidents, and non-existence is our ultimate end. But for now, I'm allowing myself to believe in a perfect world of my making, populated by all my favorite people. No doubt I will draw on this 'in the moment' to make me feel stronger.

Perhaps I'll add in some personal mythology about catching the Knight Bus from Harry Potter there. Why not?

(8) Someone has compiled a lot of thoughtful ideas on the (painful) nature of human existence, titled Reality Is Negative. It is about the tragedy of life. I am finding it helpful. It is here:


(9) I have a running Word doc going that is my suicide note. I've been amending it a bit every day. It's helping me feel better about responding to people's emotions, and setting my affairs in order. I recommend this approach - it's very settling. I will print it just before, after I have taken my anti-emetics, to give me something to do.

One of my favorite songs:


EDIT: I added point 7 and fixed the numbering : )

Reading this, then listening to the choir, I am gutted and sobbing. Resonate with me? It is me. Blessed be your journey. May you find the peace you seek.

 

[Rounded Apathy]

This was beautiful. Ugh. A sobering reminder of the true nature of human life. I'm kind of just writing this so more people can see it. I don't know where it is in the forum but even since I've joined quite recently, there have been so many newcomers arrive. Of course there's nothing wrong with just coming here to find out how to leave for good, but I really value this kind of content too. Doesn't seem op is around but just in case...thank you.

 

[self destructing]

does anybody knows where can I find it? this link is currently not working.

If somebody wants to download 'Reality is negative' then here's a working link :

Reality is Negative

MediaFire is a simple to use free service that lets you put all your photos, documents, music, and video in a single place so you can access them anywhere and share them everywhere.

www.mediafire.com

Wayback Machine also has a permanent link to "Reality is Negative" - the resource mentioned in OP's post as a compilation of "a lot of fthoughtful ideas on the (painful) nature of human existence [that] I am finding...helpful."

https://archive.org/details/realityisnegative/page/n7/mode/2up

 

[ShanaRei]

And I experience grief over leaving behind other things I can never recover: my Oxford education, being full of promise and possibility in life, the easy nature of my warm, youthful friendships and relationships, being comfortable in my skin, my physical body (it does just change for the worse with age, no matter what you do), the experience and possibility of romantic love. I spent most of my 20s in education, and yet it's clear that that was just one phase of my life. I thrived there completely, but it was just a time. It is incredibly hard to move into a new phase of life where something that was your identity does not feature. (And nor could I do anymore what I did then; my brain was in a uniquely receptive space, which it isn't anymore. I was just rereading some old papers I wrote, and it was just a special time).

Like, who is Harry Potter when Hogwarts is done with, and the world is calm? I've lost my Hogwarts, and myself.

I know this was posted some time ago, and I don't know if you're still alive or not to read this, but this part of your comment hit the mark so hard it hurt.

 

[BornHated]

I'm comforted by reading the comments of folks who lose it over their hair loss. People don't understand it unless they go through it under specific circumstances- it's extra stressful for women, and it's really awkward for it to start in your mid 20s. I'm in both of those categories. I already struggle with wanting to be a man and not being allowed many basic controls over myself since I was a child, and the loss of hair really establishes the loss of youth and what you can't get back. Insane.

For me what's cemented my peace to pass away really is not just the human condition, but the condition of life itself. I feel like a waste of space every day with how miserable I am and yet some fish or pig or cow that would've really wanted to live longer is on my plate, and I couldn't stop that if I tried. I couldn't stop a deer from being eaten alive without the wolves starving, either. I just... Kind of hate life at a base concept now, and my appreciation of death has increased enormously as the great equalizer. The prey is put out of misery, and the dictators must die someday, too.

I kind of hope I don't have to live again.

 

[darkness_]

The way I want to take my life is by driving into a wall with my car going 100 miles an hour. Can I please get some words of encouragement, I chicken out every time I get close to hitting the wall

 

[GeneTunney]

Powerful words, and moving.

I always assumed the beautiful were better able to withstand physical decay; that the self-esteem accrued through being beautiful helps them weather the storm. But of course, that was a thoughtless assumption.

I was never beautiful, but I can relate in the sense that I acutely feel the loss of whatever looks I had when younger. Even a moderate skin condition, for example, can radically alter how people in the world receive you. Your ego is so often based on comforting assumptions - you may feel you'll age like a fine wine, for example. When reality hits, the ego collapses, the walls collapse around you.

I hope she is at peace now.