Help Wavering, and I’m really scared.

[AkaRed]

I think I still lean towards CTB right now.. but I'm also really scared and am nervous about failing.

I really, really, really don't want to die alone. And not like this, if I can help it at all.

I don't personally believe or know if there's any way I can fix this mess, but I figured I'd post here while I'm actually for once not immediately disgusted by the idea of taking medications again.

One of my biggest issues currently is self isolation and lack of energy.
Looked up a few things and it's really common and prevelant with depression to just, shut down and self isolate. Lose energy, lose motivation, lose any will to really reach out to others at all. I'm feeling that right now for sure.
Talking to people has just felt like such a burden because of how unfulfilled I always feel. Nothings ever good enough, and I feel constantly lacking in what I need to actually feel sustained again.

I think back on some of my past memories of times I felt socially fulfilled and involved, and that was usually when I got the off chances to actually meet a group of people and socialize. Usually drunk.
I've been pretty lacking in IRLs for some time now and am basically completely isolated as I am currently. I don't dislike online friendships, but they do not satisfy a certain feeling within me when it comes to socializing. It just doesn't fill the void I feel- the need for close, physical connection as much as emotional.

These factors combined have made me feel incredibly lonely and lacking- and it's spiralled to a point I've begun to build resentment towards what little I have, (and myself) and just shut off and spiral into where I am now.

I have no energy. No motivation.
I feel so lost and out of sorts.
I genuinely just want a place of belonging again amongst people. More activity, more life and such. I want to get into a new relationship and fall in love again- but I have such a hard time meeting people.

I don't even know where to start, and I don't really live in a city or a super active area. So I feel stunted by my location often as well.

Is there any hope at all?

<3

 

[whywere]

YES, YES there is HOPE, LOVE, EMPATHY, caring and the knowledge that this world would be in a hell of a lot worse shape without you here, as I and so very many others love, care and need your smiling loving presence here.

Yes, it takes some effort to go out and shake the walnut tree and see what falls out and that is part of the fun and journey of meeting people and love and the whole ball of wax.

I have massive depression and there are days, that it is difficult to move and get going but it is just one step in front of the other and sometimes slowly for me.

I care about you so much, I wear my heart and emotions on my sleeve, and you are a person with a heart of gold, reading your thread makes so much abundantly clear of how wonderful you are.

Plan to get out, slowly meet new people and above everything remember that you will be very special to that new love,

HUGE hugs, love caring and I 100% know, from life experience, I really have seen and heard of situations like yours, from the 1970's and 1980's that worked out wonderfully.

Walter

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

One of my biggest issues currently is self isolation and lack of energy.
Looked up a few things and it's really common and prevelant with depression to just, shut down and self isolate. Lose energy, lose motivation, lose any will to really reach out to others at all. I'm feeling that right now for sure.
Talking to people has just felt like such a burden because of how unfulfilled I always feel. Nothings ever good enough, and I feel constantly lacking in what I need to actually feel sustained again.

I've been pretty lacking in IRLs for some time now and am basically completely isolated as I am currently. I don't dislike online friendships, but they do not satisfy a certain feeling within me when it comes to socializing. It just doesn't fill the void I feel- the need for close, physical connection as much as emotional.

These factors combined have made me feel incredibly lonely and lacking- and it's spiralled to a point I've begun to build resentment towards what little I have, (and myself) and just shut off and spiral into where I am now.

I deeply relate to all of this, I'm sorry you're going through it too :\

 

[AkaRed]

I deeply relate to all of this, I'm sorry you're going through it too :\

I know that one of the first things I'm going to have to do if I do choose recovery- is get back on medications. I fucking hate taking medications and would rather scrape my eyes out with a dull spoon. I've always hated it. :// mannn idfk what to do anymoreee

<3

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

I know that one of the first things I'm going to have to do if I do choose recovery- is get back on medications. I fucking hate taking medications and would rather scrape my eyes out with a dull spoon. I've always hated it. :// mannn idfk what to do anymoreee

<3

I hate being in this position of not being able to die but not being able to live

 

[eaturdirt]

I hate being in this position of not being able to die but not being able to live

That and this post is so relatable to me. I feel so tired and it's so hard to stay in contact + feel connected to others. Even if everything was right in my life I still don't think I would have the energy to deal with it all. I never feel connected to people, the only person I felt a connection with treated me like completely shit.

 

[whywere]

That and this post is so relatable to me. I feel so tired and it's so hard to stay in contact + feel connected to others. Even if everything was right in my life I still don't think I would have the energy to deal with it all. I never feel connected to people, the only person I felt a connection with treated me like completely shit.

Your post made me cry. I am so sad for the way folk(s) have treated you.

Always remember that I love, care and forever have you as a great friend. Yes, it is words, BUT if I was there, I would give you a huge hug and tell you how wonderful you are and that you are going to do great things.

We are ALL in this TOGETHER as one huge family.

Have a wonderful upcoming week and lots of love and caring thoughts to you, my friend.

Walter

 

[AkaRed]

That and this post is so relatable to me. I feel so tired and it's so hard to stay in contact + feel connected to others. Even if everything was right in my life I still don't think I would have the energy to deal with it all. I never feel connected to people, the only person I felt a connection with treated me like completely shit.

My social tolerance has literally plummeted and I have no clue how to fix it. I genuinely get so drained just talking to people or doing things and I'm not kidding when I say I can only handle like, 30 minutes before I can feel myself shutting down and losing energy. It really sucks ;; I think others interpret it as disinterest or boredom in their company when that's just not the case. I want to go back to not thinking about it and being able to spend hours having fun without realizing. I want to be a kid again, honestly.

<3

 

[LittleJem]

@AkaRed why do you hate medications so much? It sounds like they are the only thing that can help you. If your brain chemistry changes you will feel better than this. Surely it's worth a try.

I have probably tried 6-10 medications (lost track) but just got lucky with mirtazapine. Maybe there is a medication you can be lucky with...

If you hate meds, try St John's Wort for a while. It can work well (as much or better than meds) and is herbal. It does not mix well with many other meds or the contraceptive pill - and can make you sun sensitive...so if you try it read the contraindications.

I hope you feel better

Also as per my recent post - the Flow Neuroscience headset has good research/results for depression. That is a med-free treatment.

 

[Ksavagedie]

I think I still lean towards CTB right now.. but I'm also really scared and am nervous about failing.

I really, really, really don't want to die alone. And not like this, if I can help it at all.

I don't personally believe or know if there's any way I can fix this mess, but I figured I'd post here while I'm actually for once not immediately disgusted by the idea of taking medications again.

One of my biggest issues currently is self isolation and lack of energy.
Looked up a few things and it's really common and prevelant with depression to just, shut down and self isolate. Lose energy, lose motivation, lose any will to really reach out to others at all. I'm feeling that right now for sure.
Talking to people has just felt like such a burden because of how unfulfilled I always feel. Nothings ever good enough, and I feel constantly lacking in what I need to actually feel sustained again.

I think back on some of my past memories of times I felt socially fulfilled and involved, and that was usually when I got the off chances to actually meet a group of people and socialize. Usually drunk.
I've been pretty lacking in IRLs for some time now and am basically completely isolated as I am currently. I don't dislike online friendships, but they do not satisfy a certain feeling within me when it comes to socializing. It just doesn't fill the void I feel- the need for close, physical connection as much as emotional.

These factors combined have made me feel incredibly lonely and lacking- and it's spiralled to a point I've begun to build resentment towards what little I have, (and myself) and just shut off and spiral into where I am now.

I have no energy. No motivation.
I feel so lost and out of sorts.
I genuinely just want a place of belonging again amongst people. More activity, more life and such. I want to get into a new relationship and fall in love again- but I have such a hard time meeting people.

I don't even know where to start, and I don't really live in a city or a super active area. So I feel stunted by my location often as well.

Is there any hope at all?

<3

I relate to what you're saying in so many ways. You're not alone!
I feel like I'm on the outside and looking in. My loneliness and isolation continues to worsen.
The suffering now seems to be 24/7 and I'm actively searching for the right way for me to CTB. That said, I managed to get myself into a research study for rTMS for treatment resistant major depression. I also hate meds and haven't been on them for years. I had my fifth treatment today (out of 30). Apparently it takes a few weeks for it to work (if it does). I'm making myself give this another week or so. Perhaps there's a research study going on near you? They are being run all over the world at mental health facilities. Maybe it's worth a shot? If you have the resources, there are clinics that offer it but I didn't go that route because I don't have the cash. This is a temporary feeling and hope is around the corner (which is what I keep telling myself...). I hope you feel better.

 

[Unreal_꒰ঌ♡໒꒱_Lover]

I know that one of the first things I'm going to have to do if I do choose recovery- is get back on medications. I fucking hate taking medications and would rather scrape my eyes out with a dull spoon. I've always hated it. :// mannn idfk what to do anymoreee

<3

This is so real and Im sorry you are experiencing this, I feel immense paranoia and genuine hate for medications and stuff its so annoying and I don't want to take them but I must, it really sucks, to me medications feel like a big label on top of me that strangers like doctors can see and be like "Oh ThIS PeRSon HaS a PRobLeM" hope things get better tho :(