Venting Wasting your life...

[Sleeper System]

Even though living feels meaningless, we still have to roam this reality in the lives we've been given.
Currently, we're all still alive and here. What pointless self soothing distractions we try to lose ourselves in.
I feel neutral at the moment but it's so easy to get sad and be willing to lose my life instantly.

I hate being neutral more than being depressed. Because it feels like things are ok.
But they're not. It's just ok in the moment and it wont last.
The anxiety that I feel about the impending dread of the future rips me apart inside.
The feeling is hard to explain but it's like being in a constant interal electricution cycle.
It's not enought to kill you but enough to make you not forget it.

How do you feel about your position in life at the moment?
What helps you to keep living day after day?
What little spark of hope sustains you?What is your opinion on your own life?

 

[Tears in Rain]

How do you feel about your position in life at the moment?

Just killing time in Deaths waiting room.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

The only thing keeping me here is fear of failing a suicide attempt and being left worse off. Logically there is nothing in this evil world or life / existence that i want .

I want to be in non-existence forever . This is what I think is after death non-existence forever

I detest my own life and life / existence and this evil world

 

[neurotic]

Even though living feels meaningless, we still have to roam this reality in the lives we've been given.
Currently, we're all still alive and here. What pointless self soothing distractions we try to lose ourselves in.
I feel neutral at the moment but it's so easy to get sad and be willing to lose my life instantly.

I hate being neutral more than being depressed. Because it feels like things are ok.
But they're not. It's just ok in the moment and it wont last.
The anxiety that I feel about the impending dread of the future rips me apart inside.
The feeling is hard to explain but it's like being in a constant interal electricution cycle.
It's not enought to kill you but enough to make you not forget it.

How do you feel about your position in life at the moment?
What helps you to keep living day after day?
What little spark of hope sustains you?What is your opinion on your own life?


View attachment 126394

I've never tried harder in my life than I have now. I'm starting to travel, see comedians I like, meet new people, and experience more. I've even tried hobbies I've never thought I'd try before. But I can't shake this feeling of numbness I have. I can't savor any moments. I never feel alive and there. Time just moves forward, the trip is over, and I'm back in my room doing nothing.

 

[february in alaska]

I hate being neutral more than being depressed. Because it feels like things are ok.
But they're not. It's just ok in the moment and it wont last.
The anxiety that I feel about the impending dread of the future rips me apart inside.
The feeling is hard to explain but it's like being in a constant interal electricution cycle.
It's not enought to kill you but enough to make you not forget it.

God, this a million times. My moments of "maybe I want to live" or "maybe it will all be okay" are my worst. Those moments have kept me from CTBing for the last ten years, and it's never gotten better, and I still want to die.

I can't keep going through this cycle and stopping myself only to regret it for another decade

 

[Sleeper System]

I've never tried harder in my life than I have now. I'm starting to travel, see comedians I like, meet new people, and experience more. I've even tried hobbies I've never thought I'd try before. But I can't shake this feeling of numbness I have. I can't savor any moments. I never feel alive and there. Time just moves forward, the trip is over, and I'm back in my room doing nothing.

I feel the same way. It's that time where you're alone and your thoughts fuck you up.
I doesn't matter what I do. As soon as I have time to think, it's all over.
Then begins laying in bed thinking of how bad I wish I wasn't here. It's disheartening to say the least.

 

[neurotic]

I feel the same way. It's that time where you're alone and your thoughts fuck you up.
I doesn't matter what I do. As soon as I have time to think, it's all over.
Then begins laying in bed thinking of how bad I wish I wasn't here. It's disheartening to say the least.

YES! I understand the pain and frustration. I'm so sorry, it's such a miserable and pathetic battle to have every single day that most people can't even fathom.

 

[divinemistress36]

The only thing keeping me here is fear of failing a suicide attempt and being left worse off. Logically there is nothing in this evil world or life / existence that i want .

I want to be in non-existence forever . This is what I think is after death non-existence forever

I detest my own life and life / existence and this evil world

I feel the same way

 

[Sleeper System]

God, this a million times. My moments of "maybe I want to live" or "maybe it will all be okay" are my worst. Those moments have kept me from CTBing for the last ten years, and it's never gotten better, and I still want to die.

I can't keep going through this cycle and stopping myself only to regret it for another decade.

That's my current existence. I've wanted to end it since I was 14. I'm 30+ now and I wont lie things are better than I could have thought possible (a very very low bar dont be confused because im not homeless or jobless)
but every single night im here lately. Still feeling the same deep down. Still wishing it weren't so hard to die.

I'm miserable and deep down I know it will be another decade to pass of the same. I hate thinking that I'm probably going to die a some what natural death. If I knew when I was supposed to die I think it would be easier to live and wait it out. Not nowing is the worst.

 

[Labyrinth]

It is very uncomfortable to feel alone and desolate. My only refreshment is to contemplate the small minutiae and details contained in each moment, knowing that they are unique and will never be repeated. Making everything unique and beautiful, even if it is terrible and cruel.

 

[Sleeper System]

It is very uncomfortable to feel alone and desolate. My only refreshment is to contemplate the small minutiae and details contained in each moment, knowing that they are unique and will never be repeated. Making everything unique and beautiful, even if it is terrible and cruel.

I can't even do that much. No human moment that i've ever experienced has ever been unique.
I think the human imagination and our time on earth has made that concept impossible.
Even as we move into the future, we've already brought into existence all the possibilities that it will bring.

The only thing that helps me is constantly looking at my watch. Counting down until when I can leave work and be on my "own time". Which involves self loathing, depression, and the comfort of food, computer, and bed. And finally sleep.

 

[Labyrinth]

I can't even do that much. No human moment that i've ever experienced has ever been unique.
I think the human imagination and our time on earth has made that concept impossible.
Even as we move into the future, we've already brought into existence all the possibilities that it will bring.

The only thing that helps me is constantly looking at my watch. Counting down until when I can leave work and be on my "own time". Which involves self loathing, depression, and the comfort of food, computer, and bed. And finally sleep.

"Even as we move into the future, we've already brought into existence all the possibilities that it will bring."

I'm reflective about what you wrote. Thank you for the response.

 

[F@#$]

God, this a million times. My moments of "maybe I want to live" or "maybe it will all be okay" are my worst. Those moments have kept me from CTBing for the last ten years, and it's never gotten better, and I still want to die.

I can't keep going through this cycle and stopping myself only to regret it for another decade

That's exactly what I've been doing.

 

[february in alaska]

That's my current existence. I've wanted to end it since I was 14. I'm 30+ now and I wont lie things are better than I could have thought possible (a very very low bar dont be confused because im not homeless or jobless)
but every single night im here lately. Still feeling the same deep down. Still wishing it weren't so hard to die.

I'm miserable and deep down I know it will be another decade to pass of the same. I hate thinking that I'm probably going to die a some what natural death. If I knew when I was supposed to die I think it would be easier to live and wait it out. Not nowing is the worst.

I know the feeling. It's depressing, to look back at my younger self and think, no, it didn't work out. No, things didn't magically fix themselves and no, it wasn't a passing feeling or teenage angst or a phase. It feels like my brain was hardwired to be this way

I wish I had a set death too. One that I didn't have to plan and execute myself. If I knew I would die in a car crash in six months, I would make the most of it and feel so much more at ease.... instead I'm stuck in this strange limbo, not dead but definitely not alive either. I'm sorry you can relate, I know how hard it can be. Best of luck to you my friend

 

[Princess_Kitty]

There's no hope left for me. I've lost all hope. The only thing that's keeping me going really is just waiting for my turn. I already have everything planned out, now just to wait till that date. I don't want to rush CTB and fail. That's the only reason why I still wake up every day.

As for my life, I've wasted 30 years doing nothing. Have nothing to show for it. Just ready to be done with it all, but I gotta wait and stick to my plan.

 

[Sleeper System]

There's no hope left for me. I've lost all hope. The only thing that's keeping me going really is just waiting for my turn. I already have everything planned out, now just to wait till that date. I don't want to rush CTB and fail. That's the only reason why I still wake up every day.

As for my life, I've wasted 30 years doing nothing. Have nothing to show for it. Just ready to be done with it all, but I gotta wait and stick to my plan.

We all have the same idea and thought process in made.
I wish it were the 80s where we could meet somewhere and drink a cup of koolaid together to ctb.
I dont have anything ready. I don't think i'll ever ctb unless i lose my job or become homeless.

 

[FuneralCry]

I just see my existence as a process of just slowly dying with every second being one closer to reaching my inevitable fate, I find it tragic how existence was imposed in the first place when only eternal nothingness is true perfection, I'm only trapped here as suicide is purposely made so inaccessible. I could never see a point or meaning to this existence, it's all very futile and unnecessary, I'd always see it as preferable to eternally cease existing no matter what as after all nobody can suffer from the absence of everything.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I just feel in the most peculiar limbo really. I want to wait for my Dad to go first but I'm fairly firmly set on CTB when that happens. The interim period is a problem though.

On the one hand- with my self obliterating goal in mind- nothing really matters. That has been nice in a way. It's taken some of the pressure to succeed off. It's unlikely I ever was going to succeed anyway. I have neither that degree of talent or the confidence so- why torment myself like that?

On the face of it- nothing should matter but- it does. I still have preferences in life. There are still so many things I desperately don't want to do. With my non future in mind- I'm also starting to become more rebellious as to why I should do these things!

So, it all just feels really conflicted. There are certain things I'll more or less happily tolerate- like my creative job. But- that isn't sustainable- and I need to find something that is. Just how bad that other job is I have no idea on at the moment. I'm putting it all off in the hopes the least awful option will materialise.

But yeah- limbo is the best way to describe it. Waiting, worrying, delaying, feeling reluctant, frustrated, annoyed, obligated, guilty, shameful but at the same time on another level- rebellious and not giving a shit. Psyching myself up to CTB when the time comes. It's this horrible uncertainty.

 

[Sylveon]

I hate being neutral more than being depressed. Because it feels like things are ok.
But they're not. It's just ok in the moment and it wont last.

I'm in this "neutral" state RN, just waiting for my next existential crisis to snap out...

 

[Dliena]

I mean yeah I also feel this way and have for 10 years like.......what really is the point of all this and my own life you know? Middle school dropout, still can't spell certain words without using google, grammar shit handwriting shit can't draw suck at music no skills passions jobs or even hobbies NOTHING just been rotting away in my room like the pathetic mess that I am still trying to pretend or rather be as genuine I can when I say things could be worse off for me.

At least I still got some support and I try to be grateful for that as well as help around with chores but I just don't know how much longer I can keep being/going like this. Like I've become something society hates to the core.