M
Midnight-rain
Student
- Jan 1, 2020
- 191
Title. I feel more and more ready to ctb as the days go on. Want to leave as "cleanly" and as organized as possible. Need to make sure my parents have no say in how my remains are handled.
After work I called a legal aid number. I stayed on hold for almost two hours. Sidenote I wish hold music cycled through different tracks so I don't lose my remaining sanity hearing it on loop. Anyways the woman is taking my info down to see if I can be helped by them. She asks me for my DOB. I reluctantly tell her. I won't say how old I am, but I'll say I'm in my 20s.
The call ends and a few minutes later I am getting called back from them.
(Paraphrasing) "So I ask this because of your age since you're asking for a will. Are you having thoughts of suicide? Would you like to speak with our social worker?"
Ah yes ma'am I absolutely want to rat myself out and lose any chance of getting aid! Why wouldn't I want to be badgered about how I am oh so irrational and delusional once more by someone who is newly equipped with my address and phone number! Sounds like a perfect plan to me!!!
For a millisecond I considered getting angry. Why the fuck does it matter? Spoiler: it doesn't. Even if I wasn't suicidal it's always good to be prepared. And if I had spoken to the social worker it wouldn't have magically fixed my problems or reasons to ctb. If that were the case, no one would be suicidal.
Suicide is my self-care. The end to all my pain. There's nothing wrong with that.
With all my might I remained calm.
I said, "No."
I've never been a good liar. I hope I sounded convincing.
The best part is I still don't know if I qualify, so definitely gonna stress about that too.
I wish suicide was socially acceptable. I am not a freak.
After work I called a legal aid number. I stayed on hold for almost two hours. Sidenote I wish hold music cycled through different tracks so I don't lose my remaining sanity hearing it on loop. Anyways the woman is taking my info down to see if I can be helped by them. She asks me for my DOB. I reluctantly tell her. I won't say how old I am, but I'll say I'm in my 20s.
The call ends and a few minutes later I am getting called back from them.
(Paraphrasing) "So I ask this because of your age since you're asking for a will. Are you having thoughts of suicide? Would you like to speak with our social worker?"
Ah yes ma'am I absolutely want to rat myself out and lose any chance of getting aid! Why wouldn't I want to be badgered about how I am oh so irrational and delusional once more by someone who is newly equipped with my address and phone number! Sounds like a perfect plan to me!!!
For a millisecond I considered getting angry. Why the fuck does it matter? Spoiler: it doesn't. Even if I wasn't suicidal it's always good to be prepared. And if I had spoken to the social worker it wouldn't have magically fixed my problems or reasons to ctb. If that were the case, no one would be suicidal.
Suicide is my self-care. The end to all my pain. There's nothing wrong with that.
With all my might I remained calm.
I said, "No."
I've never been a good liar. I hope I sounded convincing.
The best part is I still don't know if I qualify, so definitely gonna stress about that too.
I wish suicide was socially acceptable. I am not a freak.