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bramblebamblebambe

bramblebamblebambe

Member
Jan 3, 2023
43
*trigger warning* pedophilia, predator, manipulation, controlling,

disclosure, please may I politely ask that you do not comment things like, 'this is why I would never do this' or meet someone as a partner, ...good for you, you weren't ever desperate enough or delusional or naive or stupid or in psychosis whatever negative judgement you may have of me. Sorry I am a little defensive, I am really nervous about posting this. ๐Ÿ™

I'm hoping that perhaps by me sharing my story might help others who are in as bleak of a mindset as I was to reconsider meeting with a partner.

I will try not to get waffley so will write in kinda bullet points. I don't think this is in exact chronological order as it was a very confusing time n I am missing parts from my memory so have left bits that I'm not 100% sure of, it is just over a year ago that this happened.

my backstory- I'm autistic, emotional neglect n abuse in childhood, bullying, raped twice , sexually assaulted a few times, domestic abuse, abuse/harassment n sexual harassment at multiple different jobs.

this man I met was from Germany
was weird n creepy the moment met him in Holland.

one of the first things he said when I met him off the ferry was how he fantasied about killing people, he would go out in graphic detail, I don't know if to test me or frighten me or both or it was something else. he would say horrible and aggressive things about Muslims, Jewish, black, gay people, I felt scared to go back but also scared to stay, felt trapped desperate and like I had to play along in order to go through with ctb.

he told me about his trauma which I have empathy for, but that does not in any way make it acceptable for how cruel n nasty he could be towards others, what he might have done to his daughter or how he manipulated me.
he told me how he was going to meet with someone from ss before, but they had tried to change his mind about Ctb n how much he didn't want me to do that to him, which I promised I wouldn't.

  • I lived in a van so stayed in there the time I was there.
  • we originally planned on going on a trip before Ctb but never happened.
  • kept trying to make plans to Ctb but he kept putting it off.
  • he kept saying he had no money n hinting/expecting for me to pay for things, not every time but most times I gave in as felt sorry for him, espesh when it came to food.
  • he had convinced me to get an iPhone before leaving for Germany to sell to have extra money but kept asking me to leave my passport, money n the phone at his place.
  • he would insult the way I looked, my piercings, tattoos but was at times kind and considerate so was confusing, I really didn't know the real him. There were times he genuinely helped me though.
  • when he asked me to do something n I felt uncomfy n was able to say no he would not get angry but would sulk n not speak to me for hours sometimes days n I would have no idea what was happening or if we were still going through with it.
  • he said he loved me and I went along with it stupidly because I thought it would mean more likely to ctb cause like a last bucket list thing for him
  • he then said we should get married before ctb.
  • he then said we shouldn't Ctb.
  • he then said wanted kids, specifically a girl cause really sadly his daughter had passed away.
  • he would go on about wanting to go on daddy daughter dates.
  • He made uncomfy comments about my nephew looking so pretty like a girl.
  • he asked to do a rape roleplay fully knowing I had been traumatized by rape in the past.
  • he told stories about his daughter, many incredibly disturbing, the worst particularly disgusting one about teaching her to masturbate at 10 years old when he walked in on her, he then backpedaled and said it was common to have books like this in Germany to teach children n that he didn't really show her just explained through the book. I didn't believe this lie and then started to really to get scared and question other things he had said about his daughter.
  • I had a breakdown n called him out on things. I was quite hysterical.

He said my accusations were making him sick, but why tell me these things and not expect any backlash?

he called the police to give back the things left at his flat including my passport n told them I was suicidal n about the pact we had made but he had changed his mind n they sectioned me, exactly what he made me promise not to do to him, the hypocrite.

I do not in any way believe I was always an easy person to get along with because I was very weepy crying a lot, panicked, got overwhelmed easily and was anxious but I had no bad intentions or was nasty to him. I would get triggered however when I felt he was being controlling. I think he would say a lot racist or extreme violent things to see how much he could get away with saying and don't fully know what was lies or real. He would say that I was traumatizing him after repeating back the things he would say to me, and when I called him a pedo, which I don't know if he was gaslighting or not.

I don't know if he is still active on here and don't want to know or have anything to do with him. I am tempted to share his username but don't know if that goes against rules or would be unethical.

I am ashamed and embarrassed at how stupid I was but I really wouldn't want anyone else to be get manipulated, and I'm never get proper justice so I'm a way this is me taking back control and getting my own justice in an indirect way. if this helps anyone who is in as desperate state as i was then to reconsider, at least some good can come out of it.

considering everything that happened, I'm in therapy and somewhat stable at least enough to write about this.

And if you are still on here.....reading this,...I think you are a monster and I hope karma gets you. But at the same time there must be a good side to you to, but then again the moments you were kind might have only been to get me to trust you. I know people who hurt others are really hurting themselves, but I've been hurt so badly and I would never ever do what you have done, you make me sick and disgust me. Part of me thinks you don't deserve death or to be at peace but a bigger part at the same time thinks if it stops you hurting anymore children, or other vulnerable adults, you really must be in pain to cause such nightmares, your life must be a nightmare, in which case deserve compassion to heal n if not...a way out (if you weren't really lying about wanting to ctb).

Tbf I think most people aren't in as delusional/desperate state as I was, I know if my mind was as it is now, having common sense and self worth, I wouldn't have fallen for it.

Please take care everyone ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ™
 
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Suicidebydeath

Suicidebydeath

No chances to be happy - dead inside
Nov 25, 2021
3,562
I'm really sorry for your experience, reading through this now line by line.

Honestly I feel like these experiences should be stickied or referred to in the partner section, with consent of course.
 
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M

mirrorgurl

Member
Mar 27, 2024
52
wow i'm so sorry this is the downside to this site
 
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divinemistress36

divinemistress36

Visionary
Jan 1, 2024
2,179
That is so scary! I'm glad you are ok. Have you shared his username with the Mods? He sounds dangerous
 
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C14

C14

I like you :)
Sep 23, 2018
44
Wow. Honestly, I think the "suicide partner" part of this website is just too abusable. Many of the bad headlines about ss can be traced back to the partner thread. I don't think it's a necessary prerequisite or helpful even for suicide. Big hugs to you. People are so fucking cruel
 
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M

Mi Mi

No One Special
Mar 18, 2024
308
*trigger warning* pedophilia, predator, manipulation, controlling,

disclosure, please may I politely ask that you do not comment things like, 'this is why I would never do this' or meet someone as a partner, ...good for you, you weren't ever desperate enough or delusional or naive or stupid or in psychosis whatever negative judgement you may have of me. Sorry I am a little defensive, I am really nervous about posting this. ๐Ÿ™

I'm hoping that perhaps by me sharing my story might help others who are in as bleak of a mindset as I was to reconsider meeting with a partner.

I will try not to get waffley so will write in kinda bullet points. I don't think this is in exact chronological order as it was a very confusing time n I am missing parts from my memory so have left bits that I'm not 100% sure of, it is just over a year ago that this happened.

my backstory- I'm autistic, emotional neglect n abuse in childhood, bullying, raped twice , sexually assaulted a few times, domestic abuse, abuse/harassment n sexual harassment at multiple different jobs.

this man I met was from Germany
was weird n creepy the moment met him in Holland.

one of the first things he said when I met him off the ferry was how he fantasied about killing people, he would go out in graphic detail, I don't know if to test me or frighten me or both or it was something else. he would say horrible and aggressive things about Muslims, Jewish, black, gay people, I felt scared to go back but also scared to stay, felt trapped desperate and like I had to play along in order to go through with ctb.

he told me about his trauma which I have empathy for, but that does not in any way make it acceptable for how cruel n nasty he could be towards others, what he might have done to his daughter or how he manipulated me.
he told me how he was going to meet with someone from ss before, but they had tried to change his mind about Ctb n how much he didn't want me to do that to him, which I promised I wouldn't.

  • I lived in a van so stayed in there the time I was there.
  • we originally planned on going on a trip before Ctb but never happened.
  • kept trying to make plans to Ctb but he kept putting it off.
  • he kept saying he had no money n hinting/expecting for me to pay for things, not every time but most times I gave in as felt sorry for him, espesh when it came to food.
  • he had convinced me to get an iPhone before leaving for Germany to sell to have extra money but kept asking me to leave my passport, money n the phone at his place.
  • he would insult the way I looked, my piercings, tattoos but was at times kind and considerate so was confusing, I really didn't know the real him. There were times he genuinely helped me though.
  • when he asked me to do something n I felt uncomfy n was able to say no he would not get angry but would sulk n not speak to me for hours sometimes days n I would have no idea what was happening or if we were still going through with it.
  • he said he loved me and I went along with it stupidly because I thought it would mean more likely to ctb cause like a last bucket list thing for him
  • he then said we should get married before ctb.
  • he then said we shouldn't Ctb.
  • he then said wanted kids, specifically a girl cause really sadly his daughter had passed away.
  • he would go on about wanting to go on daddy daughter dates.
  • He made uncomfy comments about my nephew looking so pretty like a girl.
  • he asked to do a rape roleplay fully knowing I had been traumatized by rape in the past.
  • he told stories about his daughter, many incredibly disturbing, the worst particularly disgusting one about teaching her to masturbate at 10 years old when he walked in on her, he then backpedaled and said it was common to have books like this in Germany to teach children n that he didn't really show her just explained through the book. I didn't believe this lie and then started to really to get scared and question other things he had said about his daughter.
  • I had a breakdown n called him out on things. I was quite hysterical.

He said my accusations were making him sick, but why tell me these things and not expect any backlash?

he called the police to give back the things left at his flat including my passport n told them I was suicidal n about the pact we had made but he had changed his mind n they sectioned me, exactly what he made me promise not to do to him, the hypocrite.

I do not in any way believe I was always an easy person to get along with because I was very weepy crying a lot, panicked, got overwhelmed easily and was anxious but I had no bad intentions or was nasty to him. I would get triggered however when I felt he was being controlling. I think he would say a lot racist or extreme violent things to see how much he could get away with saying and don't fully know what was lies or real. He would say that I was traumatizing him after repeating back the things he would say to me, and when I called him a pedo, which I don't know if he was gaslighting or not.

I don't know if he is still active on here and don't want to know or have anything to do with him. I am tempted to share his username but don't know if that goes against rules or would be unethical.

I am ashamed and embarrassed at how stupid I was but I really wouldn't want anyone else to be get manipulated, and I'm never get proper justice so I'm a way this is me taking back control and getting my own justice in an indirect way. if this helps anyone who is in as desperate state as i was then to reconsider, at least some good can come out of it.

considering everything that happened, I'm in therapy and somewhat stable at least enough to write about this.

And if you are still on here.....reading this,...I think you are a monster and I hope karma gets you. But at the same time there must be a good side to you to, but then again the moments you were kind might have only been to get me to trust you. I know people who hurt others are really hurting themselves, but I've been hurt so badly and I would never ever do what you have done, you make me sick and disgust me. Part of me thinks you don't deserve death or to be at peace but a bigger part at the same time thinks if it stops you hurting anymore children, or other vulnerable adults, you really must be in pain to cause such nightmares, your life must be a nightmare, in which case deserve compassion to heal n if not...a way out (if you weren't really lying about wanting to ctb).

Tbf I think most people aren't in as delusional/desperate state as I was, I know if my mind was as it is now, having common sense and self worth, I wouldn't have fallen for it.

Please take care everyone ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ™
Thankyou for sharing
I'm glad you're OK
Definitely gave me a lot to rethink
 
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Dliena

Dliena

๐š‚๐š‚ ๐™ผ๐šŽ๐š–๐š‹๐šŽ๐š› ๐™ฝ๐š˜. 43,53?
Dec 22, 2023
1,888
Gosh OP that just sounds awful! I'm really sorry for this it can be the most traumatic stuff to ever go thru and I hope this vile bastard can be gutted for their crimes
against you. I know I can't find better words to say for your horrific situation but I wish you someday find eternal peace.
 
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uncat_

uncat_

aspiring corpse
Nov 3, 2023
108


people like this make me so mad. im so sorry this happened to you.
 
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leavingthesoultrap

leavingthesoultrap

(แด—_ แด—ใ€‚)
Nov 25, 2023
1,176
a walking red flag...
Sorry you had this experience, take care
Wow. Honestly, I think the "suicide partner" part of this website is just too abusable. Many of the bad headlines about ss can be traced back to the partner thread. I don't think it's a necessary prerequisite or helpful even for suicide. Big hugs to you. People are so fucking cruel
Yeah I think that it's a really weird part of the forum as well. I stay away from it, I want to cbt alone anyway
 
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etherealgoddess

etherealgoddess

perseverance is inevitable success
Dec 8, 2022
145
*trigger warning* pedophilia, predator, manipulation, controlling,

disclosure, please may I politely ask that you do not comment things like, 'this is why I would never do this' or meet someone as a partner, ...good for you, you weren't ever desperate enough or delusional or naive or stupid or in psychosis whatever negative judgement you may have of me. Sorry I am a little defensive, I am really nervous about posting this. ๐Ÿ™

I'm hoping that perhaps by me sharing my story might help others who are in as bleak of a mindset as I was to reconsider meeting with a partner.

I will try not to get waffley so will write in kinda bullet points. I don't think this is in exact chronological order as it was a very confusing time n I am missing parts from my memory so have left bits that I'm not 100% sure of, it is just over a year ago that this happened.

my backstory- I'm autistic, emotional neglect n abuse in childhood, bullying, raped twice , sexually assaulted a few times, domestic abuse, abuse/harassment n sexual harassment at multiple different jobs.

this man I met was from Germany
was weird n creepy the moment met him in Holland.

one of the first things he said when I met him off the ferry was how he fantasied about killing people, he would go out in graphic detail, I don't know if to test me or frighten me or both or it was something else. he would say horrible and aggressive things about Muslims, Jewish, black, gay people, I felt scared to go back but also scared to stay, felt trapped desperate and like I had to play along in order to go through with ctb.

he told me about his trauma which I have empathy for, but that does not in any way make it acceptable for how cruel n nasty he could be towards others, what he might have done to his daughter or how he manipulated me.
he told me how he was going to meet with someone from ss before, but they had tried to change his mind about Ctb n how much he didn't want me to do that to him, which I promised I wouldn't.

  • I lived in a van so stayed in there the time I was there.
  • we originally planned on going on a trip before Ctb but never happened.
  • kept trying to make plans to Ctb but he kept putting it off.
  • he kept saying he had no money n hinting/expecting for me to pay for things, not every time but most times I gave in as felt sorry for him, espesh when it came to food.
  • he had convinced me to get an iPhone before leaving for Germany to sell to have extra money but kept asking me to leave my passport, money n the phone at his place.
  • he would insult the way I looked, my piercings, tattoos but was at times kind and considerate so was confusing, I really didn't know the real him. There were times he genuinely helped me though.
  • when he asked me to do something n I felt uncomfy n was able to say no he would not get angry but would sulk n not speak to me for hours sometimes days n I would have no idea what was happening or if we were still going through with it.
  • he said he loved me and I went along with it stupidly because I thought it would mean more likely to ctb cause like a last bucket list thing for him
  • he then said we should get married before ctb.
  • he then said we shouldn't Ctb.
  • he then said wanted kids, specifically a girl cause really sadly his daughter had passed away.
  • he would go on about wanting to go on daddy daughter dates.
  • He made uncomfy comments about my nephew looking so pretty like a girl.
  • he asked to do a rape roleplay fully knowing I had been traumatized by rape in the past.
  • he told stories about his daughter, many incredibly disturbing, the worst particularly disgusting one about teaching her to masturbate at 10 years old when he walked in on her, he then backpedaled and said it was common to have books like this in Germany to teach children n that he didn't really show her just explained through the book. I didn't believe this lie and then started to really to get scared and question other things he had said about his daughter.
  • I had a breakdown n called him out on things. I was quite hysterical.

He said my accusations were making him sick, but why tell me these things and not expect any backlash?

he called the police to give back the things left at his flat including my passport n told them I was suicidal n about the pact we had made but he had changed his mind n they sectioned me, exactly what he made me promise not to do to him, the hypocrite.

I do not in any way believe I was always an easy person to get along with because I was very weepy crying a lot, panicked, got overwhelmed easily and was anxious but I had no bad intentions or was nasty to him. I would get triggered however when I felt he was being controlling. I think he would say a lot racist or extreme violent things to see how much he could get away with saying and don't fully know what was lies or real. He would say that I was traumatizing him after repeating back the things he would say to me, and when I called him a pedo, which I don't know if he was gaslighting or not.

I don't know if he is still active on here and don't want to know or have anything to do with him. I am tempted to share his username but don't know if that goes against rules or would be unethical.

I am ashamed and embarrassed at how stupid I was but I really wouldn't want anyone else to be get manipulated, and I'm never get proper justice so I'm a way this is me taking back control and getting my own justice in an indirect way. if this helps anyone who is in as desperate state as i was then to reconsider, at least some good can come out of it.

considering everything that happened, I'm in therapy and somewhat stable at least enough to write about this.

And if you are still on here.....reading this,...I think you are a monster and I hope karma gets you. But at the same time there must be a good side to you to, but then again the moments you were kind might have only been to get me to trust you. I know people who hurt others are really hurting themselves, but I've been hurt so badly and I would never ever do what you have done, you make me sick and disgust me. Part of me thinks you don't deserve death or to be at peace but a bigger part at the same time thinks if it stops you hurting anymore children, or other vulnerable adults, you really must be in pain to cause such nightmares, your life must be a nightmare, in which case deserve compassion to heal n if not...a way out (if you weren't really lying about wanting to ctb).

Tbf I think most people aren't in as delusional/desperate state as I was, I know if my mind was as it is now, having common sense and self worth, I wouldn't have fallen for it.

Please take care everyone ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ™
I literally saw a post the other day about people who said they were watching gore for their own sick fantasies. There are most definitely people on this site who find pleasure in knowing people are dying and probably get off to these forums, knowing that they're encouraging people to die. Please stay safe and know that people may have ulterior motives.

The guy was absolutely an asshole. There's no explanation for it. Anyone talking about their daughter masturbating is a creep. His actions speak for themselves.

Please don't tell yourself that, "Most people aren't in as" such a "delusional/desperate state as I was." You do not need to justify yourself here. You cannot blame yourself here at all. A correction here: there are many people who are desperate but just are luckier in encountering people who aren't as destructive.
 
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pthnrdnojvsc

pthnrdnojvsc

Extreme Pain is much worse than people know
Aug 12, 2019
2,027
I never trust or believe anything any human says anywhere even here. All I trust is massive amount of real evidence or massive real action never words or theories
 
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Suicidebydeath

Suicidebydeath

No chances to be happy - dead inside
Nov 25, 2021
3,562
I'm sorry for all you've been through, we'll give you as much support as possible.
 
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sserafim

sserafim

they say itโ€™s darkest of all before the dawn
Sep 13, 2023
8,422
a walking red flag...
Sorry you had this experience, take care

Yeah I think that it's a really weird part of the forum as well. I stay away from it, I want to cbt alone anyway
I was gonna ctb with a partner from this site but I guess you can't trust anyone. This is making me rethink things...
 
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Suicidebydeath

Suicidebydeath

No chances to be happy - dead inside
Nov 25, 2021
3,562
I was gonna ctb with a partner from this site but I guess you really can't trust anyone lol
There aren't any obvious red flags in this guy's post history as far as I can tell, you really can't. They seem like an entirely different person IRL. Posting this information here in case it's helpful to others that there's no way OP could've prepared for this beforehand, and it could happen to anyone.
 
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destinationlosangel

destinationlosangel

Student
Feb 16, 2024
151
This is scary af because I am friendly with a few ppl I met on this site and would actually gladly ctb with them but at the same time, unlike OP, I also think I would be able to figure out someone's intentions before I met them in person. I wonder how long OP knew this particular user before deciding to meet in person. The friends that I've made here, I trust with my life.
 
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Shar

Shar

Experienced
Nov 23, 2023
281
Never trust anyone
 
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Myforevercharlie

Myforevercharlie

Global Mod
Feb 13, 2020
2,724
wow i'm so sorry this is the downside to this site
Not only this site unfortunately.
I mean how do you know for certain that someone you meet at a pub/ library/ church/ whatever is who they say they are?

Always be careful.

* I've met a few people from here, never had any problems.
 
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Pricelessadvice

Pricelessadvice

Can't stay here
Jul 30, 2019
22
I am so sorry this happened to you. Please do not beat yourself up for the actions of this creepy vulture!! hey, you tried and you got away-that is the important thing. That asshole is the one who has to live with himself.
It is so hard because we as humans are not wired for islolation so we want to take a leap of faith. But this world is so full of wolves in sheep's clothing that I just can't stand it anymore. I think it is natural for us sufferers on this site to desire a meet up IRL so we can drop the facade about everything we are going through inside to someone who gets it. Your post is a reminder that it is safer to stay behind a keyboard.
 
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bramblebamblebambe

bramblebamblebambe

Member
Jan 3, 2023
43
Ahhhh thank you thank you๐Ÿ™ so much for the validating and supportive messages, it was not what I was expecting and took a lil while to process, as got quite overwhelmed in a releasing positive way as in real life my friends n family have minimised/not taken it seriously so felt crazy.

Even though I like to think I have better boundaries, less impulsive and better street smarts I would say I'm completely the other way now in that I struggle to fully trust any men anymore.

I know not everyone is a predator just keep safe. ๐Ÿ™
 
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Alatus_Nemeseos

Alatus_Nemeseos

Member
Dec 27, 2023
31
I'm so sorry to read your experience just really upsetting and skin crawling. Maybe the mods will dm you to get info on who it is.

I do like the idea of ctb with someone just so you're not alone but there's gotta be a better way to vet someone before meeting them.

I won't pry into your trauma but from a generalizing were all fairly anonymous at first until we start dming and revealing our true selves. Just getting to know someone, I know it comes with a risk right which is why I suggest to anyone who plans on partnering with someone from this website to come up with an exit plan if you get a bad vibe or maybe decide not to catch the bus.

Meeting with any stranger is always a red flag and I think steps should be taken in place before you meet a person in person. And if it doesn't go according to plan you exit and back out.

Hmm but getting to know people here personally does comes with its own risk of say doxing who you are etc.

The biggest step id suggest before ever meeting someone here would be like to video call them so you get to see them and get a jist or vibe from them. That way you're not going in completely blind.

But maybe if you do something like a discord to have a 2nd one so you don't reveal your name etc too soon. I'm not sure how I'd feel if someone wanted my discord I almost gave it to someone but sadly she c2b before I accepted her offer for help

It all comes to trust and it does take time to vet someone and you can never truly vet someone until you meet them

I guess strangely it's like dating someone? Like you'd want to pick a public place with other people tricky for alot of people with our issues but weirdly to say on SS but your safety comes first even if your meeting to catch the bus. You plan ahead in a way that makes you comfortable and for any reason you don't you tap out and exit even if the other person actually didn't do anything wrong. I can't stress it enough. At any point you feel uncomfortable then you tap out. All of this should be agreed upon before meeting the person in person

Which is why I say if anyone plans on meeting someone here, the initial meet do it publicly and have an exit strategy ready for anything that feels off and to the other which means they may have lost their opportunity to c2b needs to understand that's the price to pay if you want to partner up with someone therefore respect the others wishes.

I'm truly sorry for your experience and how its damaged your faith and trust. it is a shame because naively I take a great comfort being in a site where I can speak openly about my illness with fairly like minded and incredibly empathetic people
So thank you for sharing your story and I sincerely wish you the best. I hope you getting this off your chest is a relief that's met with positive reception.

Hmm it's really is complicated.. maybe I'm over thinking it but I do think ultimately it is easier to c2b alone. Even if it sounds more sad surely the most important is the comfort that you're ending things on your terms. Doing it with someone else is a bonus that comes with its own risks... if it works great but if not the consequences are grave
 
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R

Readytogo246

Student
Jun 4, 2023
184
I've met some dear friends here. I'm sorry the worst happened for you. It's a wake up call for sure to be careful.
 
C

Camper

Member
Sep 27, 2022
48
I've been manipulated by a man of a similar character off of a forum before, just not SS in particular. People who actively define themselves by their mental illness/trauma/suicidality are walking red flags in general. They will likely try to drag you down and insult you (this is ESPECIALLY true if you're already sick and have low self-esteem). Mentally ill men in particular can be awful as they tend to manipulate women for sex.

It's better not to get involved with the opposite gender at all (even as friends) when you are sick, and to try to surround yourself with healthy same-gendered people. Venting should be relegated to ANONYMOUS online accounts (don't dox yourself in DMs) and counselors/religious leaders.
 
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LunarLight

LunarLight

i'm a loser, a failure
Apr 3, 2024
635
What a sicko. I'm so sorry for you.
 
BojackHorseman

BojackHorseman

The View From Halfway Down
Feb 8, 2023
104
*trigger warning* pedophilia, predator, manipulation, controlling,

disclosure, please may I politely ask that you do not comment things like, 'this is why I would never do this' or meet someone as a partner, ...good for you, you weren't ever desperate enough or delusional or naive or stupid or in psychosis whatever negative judgement you may have of me. Sorry I am a little defensive, I am really nervous about posting this. ๐Ÿ™

I'm hoping that perhaps by me sharing my story might help others who are in as bleak of a mindset as I was to reconsider meeting with a partner.

I will try not to get waffley so will write in kinda bullet points. I don't think this is in exact chronological order as it was a very confusing time n I am missing parts from my memory so have left bits that I'm not 100% sure of, it is just over a year ago that this happened.

my backstory- I'm autistic, emotional neglect n abuse in childhood, bullying, raped twice , sexually assaulted a few times, domestic abuse, abuse/harassment n sexual harassment at multiple different jobs.

this man I met was from Germany
was weird n creepy the moment met him in Holland.

one of the first things he said when I met him off the ferry was how he fantasied about killing people, he would go out in graphic detail, I don't know if to test me or frighten me or both or it was something else. he would say horrible and aggressive things about Muslims, Jewish, black, gay people, I felt scared to go back but also scared to stay, felt trapped desperate and like I had to play along in order to go through with ctb.

he told me about his trauma which I have empathy for, but that does not in any way make it acceptable for how cruel n nasty he could be towards others, what he might have done to his daughter or how he manipulated me.
he told me how he was going to meet with someone from ss before, but they had tried to change his mind about Ctb n how much he didn't want me to do that to him, which I promised I wouldn't.

  • I lived in a van so stayed in there the time I was there.
  • we originally planned on going on a trip before Ctb but never happened.
  • kept trying to make plans to Ctb but he kept putting it off.
  • he kept saying he had no money n hinting/expecting for me to pay for things, not every time but most times I gave in as felt sorry for him, espesh when it came to food.
  • he had convinced me to get an iPhone before leaving for Germany to sell to have extra money but kept asking me to leave my passport, money n the phone at his place.
  • he would insult the way I looked, my piercings, tattoos but was at times kind and considerate so was confusing, I really didn't know the real him. There were times he genuinely helped me though.
  • when he asked me to do something n I felt uncomfy n was able to say no he would not get angry but would sulk n not speak to me for hours sometimes days n I would have no idea what was happening or if we were still going through with it.
  • he said he loved me and I went along with it stupidly because I thought it would mean more likely to ctb cause like a last bucket list thing for him
  • he then said we should get married before ctb.
  • he then said we shouldn't Ctb.
  • he then said wanted kids, specifically a girl cause really sadly his daughter had passed away.
  • he would go on about wanting to go on daddy daughter dates.
  • He made uncomfy comments about my nephew looking so pretty like a girl.
  • he asked to do a rape roleplay fully knowing I had been traumatized by rape in the past.
  • he told stories about his daughter, many incredibly disturbing, the worst particularly disgusting one about teaching her to masturbate at 10 years old when he walked in on her, he then backpedaled and said it was common to have books like this in Germany to teach children n that he didn't really show her just explained through the book. I didn't believe this lie and then started to really to get scared and question other things he had said about his daughter.
  • I had a breakdown n called him out on things. I was quite hysterical.

He said my accusations were making him sick, but why tell me these things and not expect any backlash?

he called the police to give back the things left at his flat including my passport n told them I was suicidal n about the pact we had made but he had changed his mind n they sectioned me, exactly what he made me promise not to do to him, the hypocrite.

I do not in any way believe I was always an easy person to get along with because I was very weepy crying a lot, panicked, got overwhelmed easily and was anxious but I had no bad intentions or was nasty to him. I would get triggered however when I felt he was being controlling. I think he would say a lot racist or extreme violent things to see how much he could get away with saying and don't fully know what was lies or real. He would say that I was traumatizing him after repeating back the things he would say to me, and when I called him a pedo, which I don't know if he was gaslighting or not.

I don't know if he is still active on here and don't want to know or have anything to do with him. I am tempted to share his username but don't know if that goes against rules or would be unethical.

I am ashamed and embarrassed at how stupid I was but I really wouldn't want anyone else to be get manipulated, and I'm never get proper justice so I'm a way this is me taking back control and getting my own justice in an indirect way. if this helps anyone who is in as desperate state as i was then to reconsider, at least some good can come out of it.

considering everything that happened, I'm in therapy and somewhat stable at least enough to write about this.

And if you are still on here.....reading this,...I think you are a monster and I hope karma gets you. But at the same time there must be a good side to you to, but then again the moments you were kind might have only been to get me to trust you. I know people who hurt others are really hurting themselves, but I've been hurt so badly and I would never ever do what you have done, you make me sick and disgust me. Part of me thinks you don't deserve death or to be at peace but a bigger part at the same time thinks if it stops you hurting anymore children, or other vulnerable adults, you really must be in pain to cause such nightmares, your life must be a nightmare, in which case deserve compassion to heal n if not...a way out (if you weren't really lying about wanting to ctb).

Tbf I think most people aren't in as delusional/desperate state as I was, I know if my mind was as it is now, having common sense and self worth, I wouldn't have fallen for it.

Please take care everyone ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ™
That sounds like an absolutely terrifying experience. I am so so sorry you went throught that, and the other awful things you said have happened in your life. I wish you all the best.
 
SexyIncรฉl

SexyIncรฉl

๐Ÿญmy lollipop brings the feminists to my candyshop
Aug 16, 2022
1,487
I am tempted to share his username but don't know if that goes against rules or would be unethical.
Well, this guy's clearly a creep, and it'd help other potential victims by warning them or getting mods involved

While the partners megathread may be the most important part of the site for some, nevertheless it's best for those skilled at reading others

Statistically, there's gonna be some bad experiences. Like with airbnbs, parties or workplaces. There's also great experiences. Humans helping each other can be synergistic or dysfunctional. (We're always at least a little bit dysfunctional)
 
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AkaRed

AkaRed

Come on! Letโ€™s go, weโ€™ll make our future together.
Apr 20, 2023
216
He's absolutely a predator / sick weirdo oh my god I'm so sorry this happened to you

<3
 
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tbroken

tbroken

Wizard
Feb 22, 2024
679
I really feel sorry for you, but thanks for sharing.

I don't want to scare anyone but I think in this forum there are a lot of predators and scammers.
Also be EXTREMELY careful to possible sadists/org*ns traffikers... I received at least 3 strange PMs by women(could be your opposite sex in your case) that asked to ctb togheter and told me they would share their 'N' with me.
Also.... We live in a world full of social media and AI and stuff, some bad ppl could just ask chat-gpt to write for them a credible suicidal story, infiltrate the forum and lure ppl.
 

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