bramblebamblebambe
Member
- Jan 3, 2023
- 45
*trigger warning* pedophilia, predator, manipulation, controlling,
disclosure, please may I politely ask that you do not comment things like, 'this is why I would never do this' or meet someone as a partner, ...good for you, you weren't ever desperate enough or delusional or naive or stupid or in psychosis whatever negative judgement you may have of me. Sorry I am a little defensive, I am really nervous about posting this.
I'm hoping that perhaps by me sharing my story might help others who are in as bleak of a mindset as I was to reconsider meeting with a partner.
I will try not to get waffley so will write in kinda bullet points. I don't think this is in exact chronological order as it was a very confusing time n I am missing parts from my memory so have left bits that I'm not 100% sure of, it is just over a year ago that this happened.
my backstory- I'm autistic, emotional neglect n abuse in childhood, bullying, raped twice , sexually assaulted a few times, domestic abuse, abuse/harassment n sexual harassment at multiple different jobs.
this man I met was from Germany
was weird n creepy the moment met him in Holland.
one of the first things he said when I met him off the ferry was how he fantasied about killing people, he would go out in graphic detail, I don't know if to test me or frighten me or both or it was something else. he would say horrible and aggressive things about Muslims, Jewish, black, gay people, I felt scared to go back but also scared to stay, felt trapped desperate and like I had to play along in order to go through with ctb.
he told me about his trauma which I have empathy for, but that does not in any way make it acceptable for how cruel n nasty he could be towards others, what he might have done to his daughter or how he manipulated me.
he told me how he was going to meet with someone from ss before, but they had tried to change his mind about Ctb n how much he didn't want me to do that to him, which I promised I wouldn't.
He said my accusations were making him sick, but why tell me these things and not expect any backlash?
he called the police to give back the things left at his flat including my passport n told them I was suicidal n about the pact we had made but he had changed his mind n they sectioned me, exactly what he made me promise not to do to him, the hypocrite.
I do not in any way believe I was always an easy person to get along with because I was very weepy crying a lot, panicked, got overwhelmed easily and was anxious but I had no bad intentions or was nasty to him. I would get triggered however when I felt he was being controlling. I think he would say a lot racist or extreme violent things to see how much he could get away with saying and don't fully know what was lies or real. He would say that I was traumatizing him after repeating back the things he would say to me, and when I called him a pedo, which I don't know if he was gaslighting or not.
I don't know if he is still active on here and don't want to know or have anything to do with him. I am tempted to share his username but don't know if that goes against rules or would be unethical.
I am ashamed and embarrassed at how stupid I was but I really wouldn't want anyone else to be get manipulated, and I'm never get proper justice so I'm a way this is me taking back control and getting my own justice in an indirect way. if this helps anyone who is in as desperate state as i was then to reconsider, at least some good can come out of it.
considering everything that happened, I'm in therapy and somewhat stable at least enough to write about this.
And if you are still on here.....reading this,...I think you are a monster and I hope karma gets you. But at the same time there must be a good side to you to, but then again the moments you were kind might have only been to get me to trust you. I know people who hurt others are really hurting themselves, but I've been hurt so badly and I would never ever do what you have done, you make me sick and disgust me. Part of me thinks you don't deserve death or to be at peace but a bigger part at the same time thinks if it stops you hurting anymore children, or other vulnerable adults, you really must be in pain to cause such nightmares, your life must be a nightmare, in which case deserve compassion to heal n if not...a way out (if you weren't really lying about wanting to ctb).
Tbf I think most people aren't in as delusional/desperate state as I was, I know if my mind was as it is now, having common sense and self worth, I wouldn't have fallen for it.
Please take care everyone
disclosure, please may I politely ask that you do not comment things like, 'this is why I would never do this' or meet someone as a partner, ...good for you, you weren't ever desperate enough or delusional or naive or stupid or in psychosis whatever negative judgement you may have of me. Sorry I am a little defensive, I am really nervous about posting this.
I'm hoping that perhaps by me sharing my story might help others who are in as bleak of a mindset as I was to reconsider meeting with a partner.
I will try not to get waffley so will write in kinda bullet points. I don't think this is in exact chronological order as it was a very confusing time n I am missing parts from my memory so have left bits that I'm not 100% sure of, it is just over a year ago that this happened.
my backstory- I'm autistic, emotional neglect n abuse in childhood, bullying, raped twice , sexually assaulted a few times, domestic abuse, abuse/harassment n sexual harassment at multiple different jobs.
this man I met was from Germany
was weird n creepy the moment met him in Holland.
one of the first things he said when I met him off the ferry was how he fantasied about killing people, he would go out in graphic detail, I don't know if to test me or frighten me or both or it was something else. he would say horrible and aggressive things about Muslims, Jewish, black, gay people, I felt scared to go back but also scared to stay, felt trapped desperate and like I had to play along in order to go through with ctb.
he told me about his trauma which I have empathy for, but that does not in any way make it acceptable for how cruel n nasty he could be towards others, what he might have done to his daughter or how he manipulated me.
he told me how he was going to meet with someone from ss before, but they had tried to change his mind about Ctb n how much he didn't want me to do that to him, which I promised I wouldn't.
- I lived in a van so stayed in there the time I was there.
- we originally planned on going on a trip before Ctb but never happened.
- kept trying to make plans to Ctb but he kept putting it off.
- he kept saying he had no money n hinting/expecting for me to pay for things, not every time but most times I gave in as felt sorry for him, espesh when it came to food.
- he had convinced me to get an iPhone before leaving for Germany to sell to have extra money but kept asking me to leave my passport, money n the phone at his place.
- he would insult the way I looked, my piercings, tattoos but was at times kind and considerate so was confusing, I really didn't know the real him. There were times he genuinely helped me though.
- when he asked me to do something n I felt uncomfy n was able to say no he would not get angry but would sulk n not speak to me for hours sometimes days n I would have no idea what was happening or if we were still going through with it.
- he said he loved me and I went along with it stupidly because I thought it would mean more likely to ctb cause like a last bucket list thing for him
- he then said we should get married before ctb.
- he then said we shouldn't Ctb.
- he then said wanted kids, specifically a girl cause really sadly his daughter had passed away.
- he would go on about wanting to go on daddy daughter dates.
- He made uncomfy comments about my nephew looking so pretty like a girl.
- he asked to do a rape roleplay fully knowing I had been traumatized by rape in the past.
- he told stories about his daughter, many incredibly disturbing, the worst particularly disgusting one about teaching her to masturbate at 10 years old when he walked in on her, he then backpedaled and said it was common to have books like this in Germany to teach children n that he didn't really show her just explained through the book. I didn't believe this lie and then started to really to get scared and question other things he had said about his daughter.
- I had a breakdown n called him out on things. I was quite hysterical.
He said my accusations were making him sick, but why tell me these things and not expect any backlash?
he called the police to give back the things left at his flat including my passport n told them I was suicidal n about the pact we had made but he had changed his mind n they sectioned me, exactly what he made me promise not to do to him, the hypocrite.
I do not in any way believe I was always an easy person to get along with because I was very weepy crying a lot, panicked, got overwhelmed easily and was anxious but I had no bad intentions or was nasty to him. I would get triggered however when I felt he was being controlling. I think he would say a lot racist or extreme violent things to see how much he could get away with saying and don't fully know what was lies or real. He would say that I was traumatizing him after repeating back the things he would say to me, and when I called him a pedo, which I don't know if he was gaslighting or not.
I don't know if he is still active on here and don't want to know or have anything to do with him. I am tempted to share his username but don't know if that goes against rules or would be unethical.
I am ashamed and embarrassed at how stupid I was but I really wouldn't want anyone else to be get manipulated, and I'm never get proper justice so I'm a way this is me taking back control and getting my own justice in an indirect way. if this helps anyone who is in as desperate state as i was then to reconsider, at least some good can come out of it.
considering everything that happened, I'm in therapy and somewhat stable at least enough to write about this.
And if you are still on here.....reading this,...I think you are a monster and I hope karma gets you. But at the same time there must be a good side to you to, but then again the moments you were kind might have only been to get me to trust you. I know people who hurt others are really hurting themselves, but I've been hurt so badly and I would never ever do what you have done, you make me sick and disgust me. Part of me thinks you don't deserve death or to be at peace but a bigger part at the same time thinks if it stops you hurting anymore children, or other vulnerable adults, you really must be in pain to cause such nightmares, your life must be a nightmare, in which case deserve compassion to heal n if not...a way out (if you weren't really lying about wanting to ctb).
Tbf I think most people aren't in as delusional/desperate state as I was, I know if my mind was as it is now, having common sense and self worth, I wouldn't have fallen for it.
Please take care everyone
