Venting Wanting to want to CTB

[Redleaf1992]

Ever since acquiring Meto and SN from MDS/DMC I have found my push to ctb weaken, like I no longer care.

I know it'a a contradiction but I want to want to CTB. Becuase I'm prone atm to crazy mood swings it might come for a glimpse but certainly not long enough to act on impulse. And even just thinking about CTBing gives me SI.

My issues are still there I feel like I'm drifting on a boat of a waterfall and my body insists to go on that ride.

When I decided I wanted to CTB I would still self harm but nothing like before when I didn't have an intention. Now I find myself doing it more again as the self hatred rises.

My negative feelings when wanting to CTBing would always be myself thinking things like 'I hate myself'. Before that I would almost create a parallel thought process personality/thought in my head who would tell me I'm shit etc and always telling me CTB etc - and I would get in arguments with myself in my head.

When I wanted to CTB and was getting SN that went away, now it breifly comes back at times. But this time I want it there I: know it will push to want to CTB again and will push me through SI. No longer trying to argue with it but instead agreeing with what it says and basically at times playing Simon Says with self harm in away to get myself to hate myself and get to wanting to CTB.

Again I know it doesn't make sense, I'm saying I don't want to CTB while also trying to CTB. I dunno if it's done fucked up attention seeking, or SI playing games with me.

I just don't understand myself anymore, I hate myself, letting my life callapse around me, letting my mental health go down the drain, but can't CTB…probably under the dillusion that things could actually be better.

Sorry for the vent, just needed this off my chest - I don't even know where I'm going anymore.

 

[yasmine299]

Hi @Redleaf1992, I think I understand what you're trying to say. Its been more than a year now when I first realised I had no future prospects. When I ordered my sn, I was so sure I was going to go, I did everything to make sure things go right. I know a lot of it amounts to SI and the fear of the uncertainty but also the stupid dillusion where I thought maybe something good might happen, things could turn around. Now, I can't believe another year has gone by, worsening everything, everyday wishing I did it when I had the chance, why couldn't I find the courage to do it. All of it would be over now.

Now I want to again have the ability to put the same efforts into planning the ctb but I've turned so callous, so lazy.

I'm sorry I know I couldn't say anything comforting.

 

[Redleaf1992]

Hi @Redleaf1992, I think I understand what you're trying to say. Its been more than a year now when I first realised I had no future prospects. When I ordered my sn, I was so sure I was going to go, I did everything to make sure things go right. I know a lot of it amounts to SI and the fear of the uncertainty but also the stupid dillusion where I thought maybe something good might happen, things could turn around. Now, I can't believe another year has gone by, worsening everything, everyday wishing I did it when I had the chance, why couldn't I find the courage to do it. All of it would be over now.

Now I want to again have the ability to put the same efforts into planning the ctb but I've turned so callous, so lazy.

I'm sorry I know I couldn't say anything comforting.

Thanks for responding, and sorry to hear you are going through something similiar. It feels like out minds and SI like to torture keeping us to stick round when we don't want to.