Story Wanting to recover but apathetic at the same time?

[hhanako]

Hello, everyone. Hope you're having a tolerable day.

As much as I want to recover, I'm just not sure how exactly. I do try my best to have 8 hours of sleep or to at least sleep at a consistent time, meditate, study, and exercise since therapy and medication is expensive for now. I enjoy doing them and I can feel them slowly helping me with my mood and memory but most days, I have no motivation to do them.

One big problem of mine is that I don't really see a future for myself. Not in a way like 'I probably won't succeed, I'm dumb or unskilled etc', but more of a 'I have no goals or desires'. To me, the future is just nothing. I can't work hard for something that doesn't exist. I guess I'm just doing the sleeping for 8 hours, meditating and exercising just for the sake of it since it's what people say that helps with depression (though to a degree, they really do help).

This fluctuating feeling of apathy and wanting to recover of mine is hard to solution because I just don't know how or sometimes even have an ounce of desire to do so. I took medication (citalopram) 2 years ago but it made me emotionally numb so I had to switch to Brintellix but it wasn't effective. I feel like the medication caused me to be like this because I wasn't like this before taking medication. Although the past me is just as worse than apathetic me since I was always paranoid that people hated me/talked behind my back/is laughing about me/out to get me.

Sorry for the incoherent paragraphs above, never was the one to tell a straight story. I'm just rambling to be honest just so I can let this out of my chest and hopefully lessen the feeling of being lost at what to do in my life.

 

[toseeyousmile]

Hey yo I know how you feel.

My life right now, after some things happened to better my circumstances and even put me on a path that would take me somewhere in life is now a reality, as if the root cause for my initial reason for being depressed and wanting to ctb is now pretty much gone, and yet I still don't see a future for myself.

No aspirations or anything, I have like zero motivation to really do anything. I'm also currently taking medication(escitalopram) and I feel like a husk rn. My friend pushes me to set goals, exercise and generally just do stuff to improve my brain and hopefully be happy eventually through this. Maybe it's my loneliness, maybe it's my lack of financial freedom, but trying to picture myself with those solved doesnt seem like something that would change anything in the grand scheme of things for me, like would I really be happy? It probably is the anhedonia speaking and they will make me happy but at that point I feel like doing it for the sake of brain chemistry alone seems so like nihilistic and insincere that it doesnt look appealing to me. Maybe I'm just crazy, hopefully that is the case since it would be a more convenient explanation.

In any case, I relate to you so if you wanna talk about this we can dm but I think youre still too new since I cant dm you yet, so best of luck on your journey!

 

[hhanako]

Hey yo I know how you feel.

My life right now, after some things happened to better my circumstances and even put me on a path that would take me somewhere in life is now a reality, as if the root cause for my initial reason for being depressed and wanting to ctb is now pretty much gone, and yet I still don't see a future for myself.

No aspirations or anything, I have like zero motivation to really do anything. I'm also currently taking medication(escitalopram) and I feel like a husk rn. My friend pushes me to set goals, exercise and generally just do stuff to improve my brain and hopefully be happy eventually through this. Maybe it's my loneliness, maybe it's my lack of financial freedom, but trying to picture myself with those solved doesnt seem like something that would change anything in the grand scheme of things for me, like would I really be happy? It probably is the anhedonia speaking and they will make me happy but at that point I feel like doing it for the sake of brain chemistry alone seems so like nihilistic and insincere that it doesnt look appealing to me. Maybe I'm just crazy, hopefully that is the case since it would be a more convenient explanation.

In any case, I relate to you so if you wanna talk about this we can dm but I think youre still too new since I cant dm you yet, so best of luck on your journey!

Thanks for the response, I'm glad you nor I aren't alone in this. I would've liked to talk more on dm but yeah, I'm too new and it seems that I need to reach a certain amount of replies/activity on my part for me to dm someone & v.v.

From what I read SSRI's like Escitalopram may have a side effect called ssri-induced indifference which causes the anhedonia. It's the same feeling I had taking citalopram. Not much research on it though (or how to solve it) but there's lots of anecdotal experience on the internet.

And I completely agree with the thought of having my problems being solved but not having as big as an impact in the grand scheme of things. Which makes it worse because if that's the case then, would doing anything even matter at this point? It just adds to the apathy. Maybe we are just crazy, or not, who knows really? Hopefully things turn out great for us especially with the things we do to help ourselves. I'm wishing you luck on your journey too!

 

[WinterIsComing]

Thanks for the response, I'm glad you nor I aren't alone in this. I would've liked to talk more on dm but yeah, I'm too new and it seems that I need to reach a certain amount of replies/activity on my part for me to dm someone & v.v.

From what I read SSRI's like Escitalopram may have a side effect called ssri-induced indifference which causes the anhedonia. It's the same feeling I had taking citalopram. Not much research on it though (or how to solve it) but there's lots of anecdotal experience on the internet.

And I completely agree with the thought of having my problems being solved but not having as big as an impact in the grand scheme of things. Which makes it worse because if that's the case then, would doing anything even matter at this point? It just adds to the apathy. Maybe we are just crazy, or not, who knows really? Hopefully things turn out great for us especially with the things we do to help ourselves. I'm wishing you luck on your journey too!

I wonder if sertraline does that....i tied excersise or doing some stuff like waking up early but yeah the same thing...like apathy

 

[hhanako]

I wonder if sertraline does that....i tied excersise or doing some stuff like waking up early but yeah the same thing...like apathy

Well, since it's an SSRI, I'd assume it'd be the same as the above mentioned medications. However, I'm not educated much about that so better to ask your psych . I feel you, they both take a lot of willpower so it's not easy when you're having anhedonia/apathy.