Help Wanting to live is making me want to die

[mythofsisyphus]

I see a lot of posts here with people saying you need to be sure of your decision - it shouldn't be something impulsive etc.

I completely agree, but unfortunately I don't think I'll ever be sure of my decision, I'll never feel ready… so what do I do?

I love life so much, I don't want to die. But health problems have taken away everything I ever wanted. They've caused potentially permanent anhedonia and cognitive dysfunction.

What's making me suicidal is that I just want my old life back, but it's just out of reach - no matter how hard I try, I can't grasp it due to these symptoms. It's teasing me constantly.

So what do I do, when the last thing I want is to die - I desperately want to live, to have my life back. But that isn't possible… so I just want an escape, but not to die, cause that takes away everything.

So I'm left in a limbo, torn between life and death. And I don't know what to do, each day that passes I lose more and more of myself, but I know I'll never feel peace in the idea of death, because ultimately it is not what I want. But this life is also not what I want… I'm utterly trapped.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you have to suffer so unbearably, I imagine it must be dreadful what you are going through, it's so cruel to me how there's all this suffering in existing. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[SVEN]

Gosh, what a bummer of a situation to be landed with, Myth. My heart honestly goes out to you. At least I'm settled in my desire to die and am still here only because of my personal domestic situation, whilst you'd happily embrace life in different conditions.
There's nothing constructive I can say, just send my best wishes.

 

[Leiot]

I know how you feel. I'm not sure it's a suicide vs no suicide question as much as it's a can-I-accept-what's-happened question. I'll never be able to go back. All I can do is live life as best I can and deal with the pain and limitations. I know that sounds great on paper but I do the best I can. I try to keep in contact with as many people I can even if it feels like a waste of time. And the people here are a big help. Being able to say some of these things here is more theraputic than holding back from some counselor you just met.

I'm not doing so well with having a purpose to live, though. I want to go back to work so bad but it's not going to happen. I had fun at work; I loved what I did. But that's gone so I have to find something else. I'm working on it. I think it will involve some sort of volunteer work, however that works out.

I made peace with my demons a while back. I decided that I will CTB when my pain gets to the point I can't deal with it anymore. But I make that decision, not them. I worked out the method and everything. Who will be notified, who gets what stuff; everything.

It's getting harder to hang on because of the pain and other things I have to live with. Right now my cats are my major lifeline. They help me to prevent me from making an impulsive attempt. I believe that when the time comes I will be completely calm and relaxed. When I attempted in '06 I had never felt so at peace. There was no pain, nothing left to do or say, just Game Over. As long as I have physical pain and haven't detached it's not time. At least that's what I keep telling myself.

I don't think anyone wants to CTB; we just want to end our pain and suffering, however it may manifest. Some of us have physical issues, others psychological trauma and others just never seemed to have a chance to be happy.

 

[dumed1]

I feel the same way. I once had a great life but due to lasik I'm now in constant pain and homebound. I was suicidal before but I was able to get out of it by making lifestyle changes. But now with this extra disability, I can feel suicidality coming along and I don't know how to cope with it anymore.

Yet I still don't want to die. I keep thinking I can figure out some way, some set of treatments, that will bring me back to normal. But so far not much has helped, except for things that I can't use long-term.

 

[SVEN]

I feel the same way. I once had a great life but due to lasik I'm now in constant pain and homebound. I was suicidal before but I was able to get out of it by making lifestyle changes. But now with this extra disability, I can feel suicidality coming along and I don't know how to cope with it anymore.

Yet I still don't want to die. I keep thinking I can figure out some way, some set of treatments, that will bring me back to normal. But so far not much has helped, except for things that I can't use long-term.

Laser treatments and some eye clinics have so much to answer for.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry to hear of your situation. I suppose the questions I put to myself are the following... They are what points me in the direction of suicide:

- The obvious one- Why am I so unhappy in life?

- How do I fix it? I suspect most of us can't (to date) actually fix our problems to what we feel is an acceptable level- otherwise- we'd all be out living our best lives.

- If there's still doubt though- is it because maybe we haven't exhausted all our options yet? So then- it does become- What is there that I haven't tried?

I'm assuming you have tried to get support from others? From what you've described, your issues sound to be more psychological- anhedonia and cognitive disfunction. So- I'm assuming you have looked into and tried what's available to treat that? Therapy, meds etc? Not that I'm a massive fan of either but, I feel like- if there's still the will to try, it's at least worth trying to make use of the support available.

- That's the other big thing though I think. How much fight we actually have left. The way I see it for my circumstances is- full 'recovery' would take a shit load of effort. A whole lot of facing things I'm afraid of. I've already put in shit loads of effort in the past- multiple times, to not satisfactory enough a reward so- I feel reluctant to keep doing it over and over. I also feel sure that if I keep treading water, I'll likely just stay trapped in this mindset/ situation.

- I feel like it becomes- What can we actually stand? Recovery takes commitment, energy, hope and faith, risk, courage- can we stand to live like that? Do we have the energy to sustain it? If we still have enough hope that it will be worth it- maybe it's possible. Especially with the support of others.

- If recovery isn't a realistic option though, I still think it becomes- What can we actually stand? Continuing to live and suffer as we are or, risk suicide which is massively scary. I sort of feel like life has to become scarier than suicide to do it in a way. Although, I suppose the main worry with suicide for many is that a failed attempt could lead to more and a worse quality of life.

Sorry. Not at all sure if that helped. It's all kind of obvious stuff.

I don't actually know how you 'fix' anhedonia and cognitive dysfunction. Are they both diagnosed for you? Have therapists or whatever given you advice on how to improve your situation? Do you feel like you know why it hasn't worked?

Like for me, I haven't really had that much 'help'. I feel one of my major issues is social anxiety though. The common sense solution to that would be to socialise more- to desensitize myself to it but- I'm simply not willing to put myself through that! I'd rather it hold me back in life rather than have to face it. So- I know it's something I'm stuck with because I don't want to put in the work to get over it.

I don't know if there are similar strategies to get over anhedonia. Have you tried them if there are? Have they all just failed in the past? Sorry- totally guessing here. I should stop because I'm just rambling now. I'm so sorry for your situation though.