Venting Wanting to feel like I'm wanted

[C:\]

For a while now I've had a demoralizing feeling of worthlessness, a type of worthlessness that makes me question my entire existence and what I bring to the table. I tend to just zone out and imagine what it feels like to be hugged and told that I matter. Anything. Im so touch starved i cant remember the last time i hugged a friend. A bit embarrassing, but I have started coping with this by listening to asmr audios of some random person on the internet saying they love me. It helped the first couple days, but after that it just all feels fake. Maybe if I wasn't such a fucking loser, maybe I'd get this in real life? I'm so self conscious about myself in an attempt to feel better about myself, but it is extremely difficult to live life and enjoy anything.

I've felt this way for almost my entire life, but didn't know about it until i was ~16. My mother was an alcoholic with 2 other children (I'm the oldest), so I didn't get much attention or anything like that growing up. Majority of thr attention was from acting up, and their response is so swlf isolate in my room for 'timeout'. This has bled into my life now, as I spend most of my time at home in my room and self isolating.

I wish I was a better person. I wish I was someone's favorite person. I wish I wasn't me.

 

[whywere]

Reading your thread made me so sad, as no one should ever have the thoughts and feeling that they are less.

You are NOT EVER a loser EVER. 1st off, you had to endure a mom who had/has an alcohol problem. 2nd, we are family. as I have no one, no family nor friends and I too wonder what a hug is like.

You are a really great soul, as you have a huge amount of love, caring, kindness and thoughtfulness and you are a family member to/for me and hopefully, I am to you also.

AS you go out into life and spread your wings, you will fly and not only succeed but spread your love and kindness, which makes you such a wonderful soul.

I am older (67) with some life experience, and I truly believe in you and your loving future.

Lots of huge hugs, love and well wishes, my wonderful friend.

Walter

 

[Ksmиda]

I'm sorry about what you had to go through. I'm also touch starved, which makes me afraid of being showed affection, because I don't know how I would react.
I hope things get better, nobody deserves to be alone.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

You say you wish you were a better person, yet feeling like this doesn't make you any less of a person or a loser.
It just means that you are human, and deserve love because you sound like a sensitive and loving person.
I would say don't be too hard on yourself or isolate yourself but I'm the same way too, and know it's easier said than done.
Yet I hope you can find someone who will regard you as their favourite person.
You deserve to be loved.

 

[WhatPowerIs]

I relate to your last line a lot... "I wish I wasn't me." I wish I wasn't me either. I'm sorry it has to be this way...

 

[rosenwasser]

I'm sorry. I feel the same way.