Wanting to “disappear” rather than dying

[Jon Arbuckle]

I've been thinking a lot about my own feelings lately.
I don't think I "want" to die, not in an anti suicide it gets better way but rather what I want isn't really something achievable
I want to disappear from everyone's memory, like I never existed. I've hurt people and will continue to hurt people, I just want to be gone so I never have to live with hurting someone ever again, but I know that if I kill myself I'll hurt my family, I wish they could forget me entire, never even be able to resent my absence.
Sorry if this sounds like pathetic whiny ramblings. does anyone else relate to this feeling of wanting to "disappear"?

 

[WhiteRabbit]

I can relate. I also don't want to hurt my family. I wish I could just fade away from existence and everyone's memory. Like I was never here at all.

 

[kiki <3]

absolutely. i wish i hadn't walked into so many people's lives. one of the reasons why i am still here is guilt. i wish they had never seen my face and heard my voice.

 

[coolgal82]

holy shit same. i feel like such a bad person too because i just keep making new friends knowing i wanna do that and i'll just upset them, yet i still try and make friends. i wish i couldve just never existed in the first place, like go back in time and tell my parents to use protection or something lmao.

 

[Jon Arbuckle]

holy shit same. i feel like such a bad person too because i just keep making new friends knowing i wanna do that and i'll just upset them, yet i still try and make friends. i wish i couldve just never existed in the first place, like go back in time and tell my parents to use protection or something lmao.

I understand that feeling. I'd say don't beat yourself up too bad about it, it's natural human behavior to want friends and to interact with other people, especially if you're struggling.

 

[render]

god yeah me too, i don't want to hurt my friends or family by ctbing. i just want everyone to forget about me so i can die peacefully

 

[shironeko]

I can relate to that.
I wish all my pain and suffer has gone with me, like I never existed. It would be better for everyone if I wasn't born.
Then I have nothing to worry about.
But it's not my choice. The world pushed me to make that decision.

 

[redmunk]

Relate to this 100percent. There are a lot of people who care for me,sacrificed a lot for me because they want to see me succeed. I know by deciding to take my own life, I will hurt them tremendously. My mom would probably go insane if she hears that I took my own life. And I don't want her to feel this pain. I wish I never existed. I wish my family aborted me

 

[J&L383]

I've been thinking a lot about my own feelings lately.
I don't think I "want" to die, not in an anti suicide it gets better way but rather what I want isn't really something achievable
I want to disappear from everyone's memory, like I never existed. I've hurt people and will continue to hurt people, I just want to be gone so I never have to live with hurting someone ever again, but I know that if I kill myself I'll hurt my family, I wish they could forget me entire, never even be able to resent my absence.
Sorry if this sounds like pathetic whiny ramblings. does anyone else relate to this feeling of wanting to "disappear"?

I totally understand. If I could just melt away into nothingness, I would. Killing oneself is a hard road! Steely nerves, planning, and yes, concern for others.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

That's understandable. It's why I wish I was never born in the first place. Suicide is immensely difficult to do. I wish I could just disappear so that my suffering ends and I don't have to bother with putting in effort to kill myself

 

[FuneralCry]

I've personally always just wished to disappear, if it's up to me I'd choose to completely erase my existence so it's like I never suffered at all, I just wish for all to be forgotten about for me.

 

[hamleic]

thats what i want. just wanna be gone.

 

[kyhoti]

I completely understand your feelings, OP.

 

[houseofleaves]

Is it possible to change your name and move to a distant place, OP?

 

[uglyugly]

I would like to disappear, too. I think of my life in terms of "yugas" (periods of time) and when I am done with something, I never want anything to do with it again and wish the people who knew me at that time would forget about me as much as I want to forget them. For example, I will never have (and have never had) contact with anyone from high school, when I leave a job I will never talk with an old coworker or visit the business again, when I left my first home I have never talked to anyone I knew in the neighborhood and won't go anywhere near it. My time in that yuga is done and when I'm done, I'm done forever. I don't want or need anything in my "past lives" biting my ankles.

I have this fantasy of getting in my car and driving as far away from this shithole of a city and shithole of a job (although my coworkers are mostly cool). I'd take the clothes on my back, some water, and a little food, and leave everything else and fuck everyone else. I need to start over in a strange place. But, since I own a home (although likely not for long) and have pets, I just can't walk away. I'd sure as fuck like to, though. Likely things would be as shit in the new place as here, but at least I'd never see anyone here again, and hopefully they would forget me.

I wish I never existed. I wish my family aborted me

I can relate to that. The worthless whore that hatched me should have had an abortion. Thankfully, she got rid of me and I was adopted by a decent family.

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

I think about this a lot - if I could just go somewhere new and be somebody else, but barely have the mental energy to survive much less plan anything. I have achieved nothing but collect trauma after trauma and feel really beat up. While I get the 'want to erase myself', I also feel I've been erased and am a ghost who's essentially dead on the earth already.

 

[justpathetic]

I've been thinking a lot about my own feelings lately.
I don't think I "want" to die, not in an anti suicide it gets better way but rather what I want isn't really something achievable
I want to disappear from everyone's memory, like I never existed. I've hurt people and will continue to hurt people, I just want to be gone so I never have to live with hurting someone ever again, but I know that if I kill myself I'll hurt my family, I wish they could forget me entire, never even be able to resent my absence.
Sorry if this sounds like pathetic whiny ramblings. does anyone else relate to this feeling of wanting to "disappear"?

I totally get you. That's a big reason I haven't died yet. I don't want to traumatize others and I realize there are people in my life my suicide will affect deeply. I guess that's why so many try to make it look like an "accident" but those ways are so unreliable.