Venting Wanting to CTB to this degree makes me feel sooo... detached?

[Livingvsdying25]

I'll be sleeping on and off today. Just like yesterday. I'm still sick. So this is like day 3. Fuckkkkkkkk I have flare-ups with my chronic health issue but I don't usually get a cold or the flu very often. I thought this was the bullshit that's been happening this yr, where my throat hurts from extreme stress. But nah that goes away within a day.


Plus the other bodily symptoms I'm having. I dunno why but being physically ill on top of suicidal just really makes me feel some feelings that my brain can't put into words rn. Not good feelings either.


I feel really detached this last week. I dunno if the sickness is contributing or the seemingly life long battle with suicidality is just dragging me down as usual.


But I just feel... empty? Not full of love as per my usual self? Not full of hate either. Just... empty. I don't feel much? Maybe sadness or smthin. Could be numb bc of all the pain the recent abuse & neglect is causing. Like that would make sense...

My Dad said he'll "talk to me tmrw when he is off" he's not coming. Which again I don't cate about bc I just wanna be alone. but the lack of care does bother me. It does hurt me. The fact that he doesn't even have the guts to say it either? Really bothers me. But the feelings even within that are muted. I'm used to this. No one in my family actually loves me or cares about me. To them im a burden so oh well.


Especially now that im sick being cared for physically would've been nice but he doesn't care and u can't force people to care.

So this weekend I will spend in and out of sleep. Waiting for my god damn throat to stop hurting. But does it even matter? Ig kinda. Brain fog is present and I can't CTB with that. But brain fog isn't that bad tbh... I am at a point of thinking of rope, practicing and seeing where that goes. Plus finding a place to hang said rope... I think I have some spaces here but not 100% sure. If I don't here then a hotel or AirBNB with a private balcony maybe


The only other method I see working for me is SN but who the fuck at this point can find one pure enough that ships to Canada. Kinda sick of the search tbh.

Plus the apathy plus desperation to stop living allows for me to delve into more physically involved methods.


These are my first thoughts waking up and the thoughts I have falling asleep. Im not ok. And that doesn't really matter either. I just want the chance I need to leave this world.

 

[jinx <3]

It's fucked your family doesn't help you or comfort you at all. I know what it's like to be detached and to just want it over. It sucks. Sorry for how you're feeling and I genuinely want you to feel much better. I know it's little comfort but that's all I can really offer <3.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

I'll be sleeping on and off today. Just like yesterday. I'm still sick. So this is like day 3. Fuckkkkkkkk I have flare-ups with my chronic health issue but I don't usually get a cold or the flu very often. I thought this was the bullshit that's been happening this yr, where my throat hurts from extreme stress. But nah that goes away within a day.


Plus the other bodily symptoms I'm having. I dunno why but being physically ill on top of suicidal just really makes me feel some feelings that my brain can't put into words rn. Not good feelings either.


I feel really detached this last week. I dunno if the sickness is contributing or the seemingly life long battle with suicidality is just dragging me down as usual.


But I just feel... empty? Not full of love as per my usual self? Not full of hate either. Just... empty. I don't feel much? Maybe sadness or smthin. Could be numb bc of all the pain the recent abuse & neglect is causing. Like that would make sense...

My Dad said he'll "talk to me tmrw when he is off" he's not coming. Which again I don't cate about bc I just wanna be alone. but the lack of care does bother me. It does hurt me. The fact that he doesn't even have the guts to say it either? Really bothers me. But the feelings even within that are muted. I'm used to this. No one in my family actually loves me or cares about me. To them im a burden so oh well.


Especially now that im sick being cared for physically would've been nice but he doesn't care and u can't force people to care.

So this weekend I will spend in and out of sleep. Waiting for my god damn throat to stop hurting. But does it even matter? Ig kinda. Brain fog is present and I can't CTB with that. But brain fog isn't that bad tbh... I am at a point of thinking of rope, practicing and seeing where that goes. Plus finding a place to hang said rope... I think I have some spaces here but not 100% sure. If I don't here then a hotel or AirBNB with a private balcony maybe


The only other method I see working for me is SN but who the fuck at this point can find one pure enough that ships to Canada. Kinda sick of the search tbh.

Plus the apathy plus desperation to stop living allows for me to delve into more physically involved methods.


These are my first thoughts waking up and the thoughts I have falling asleep. Im not ok. And that doesn't really matter either. I just want the chance I need to leave this world.

Jus gonna use this thread for today's thoughts. My Dad hasnt text me back or called. I told him it'd be nice to actually just tell me he isn't coming instead of me being an idiot hoping/expecting. Went off a lil but not too much and of course for him that's reason to ignore me. Hasn't asked once how im doing with the physical sickness. I can't fucking believe he did this again honestly. He's been promising to come since spring or smthin. Welll what can I expect.


Talked to my therapist. She's gonna look into some other / additional treatment options but I told her I am not capable of holding out hope. Told her how im closer to suicide / closest I've been in yrs and that nothing but fear & lack of organized method is holding me back. She asked if there's anything else. And nope. I think we both noticed that there used to be a lot holding me back. Living things that no longer make a dent within this suicidality. So yeah. That's all.

Friend said they'd be in this area and to let me kno if there's anything that they could bring. I replied to everything but brain isnt all there so might've offended in my reply. Asked for a dif kinda helped that I had asked for last time they offered to physically bring things. Not sure. It's been 4 hrs so probs? I'm disconnected in ways so people skills def not the best rn.

Anyway.... I hope not but it all just adds to the self hate that is overflowing these days. Like the self loathing words that I won't bother write but are a constant these days. After talking for an hour and a half throat def hurts... im hungry but I won't eat & yeahhh just gonna go back to Youtube and wait to sleep again.

I'm planning & was planning aloud to my therapist on dif methods so shall keep thinking. Concrete planning cannot be done while physically sick like this so shall be jus doin the mental. Disqualifying methods and such as I think. That kinda thing.

Jus gonna use this thread for today's thoughts. My Dad hasnt text me back or called. I told him it'd be nice to actually just tell me he isn't coming instead of me being an idiot hoping/expecting. Went off a lil but not too much and of course for him that's reason to ignore me. Hasn't asked once how im doing with the physical sickness. I can't fucking believe he did this again honestly. He's been promising to come since spring or smthin. Welll what can I expect.


Talked to my therapist. She's gonna look into some other / additional treatment options but I told her I am not capable of holding out hope. Told her how im closer to suicide / closest I've been in yrs and that nothing but fear & lack of organized method is holding me back. She asked if there's anything else. And nope. I think we both noticed that there used to be a lot holding me back. Living things that no longer make a dent within this suicidality. So yeah. That's all.

Friend said they'd be in this area and to let me kno if there's anything that they could bring. I replied to everything but brain isnt all there so might've offended in my reply. Asked for a dif kinda helped that I had asked for last time they offered to physically bring things. Not sure. It's been 4 hrs so probs? I'm disconnected in ways so people skills def not the best rn.

Anyway.... I hope not but it all just adds to the self hate that is overflowing these days. Like the self loathing words that I won't bother write but are a constant these days. After talking for an hour and a half throat def hurts... im hungry but I won't eat & yeahhh just gonna go back to Youtube and wait to sleep again.

I'm planning & was planning aloud to my therapist on dif methods so shall keep thinking. Concrete planning cannot be done while physically sick like this so shall be jus doin the mental. Disqualifying methods and such as I think. That kinda thing.

God my Dad is such an ass. Tells me to wake up. Some shit about coming on Tuesday and some plans or about work that he never fucking told me. As if im not fucking sick too. I honestly would prefer to get over this sickness alone than deal with assholes rn. I hope my body feels better soon.

Told my therapist that Tuesday vs Wednesday to meet again, that Tuesday is better bc both mentally & otherwise I dunno how much longer im lasting. I dunno how long the lil hope within that's always there will last. It's 40-50% gone & not coming back this time around. I was even considering not eating as a method tbh. 3 days without food or water doesn't feel that hard to me rn. I have def done that before. Almost died in 2017 so. Ugh. Triggered but breathing & calming. Triggered just by his stupid ass text. Don't needa talk to him today. Don't needa see him either. So tired if being mistreated and it being ok to my family. Fuck them.

Goin back to Youtube.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

Jus gonna use this thread for today's thoughts. My Dad hasnt text me back or called. I told him it'd be nice to actually just tell me he isn't coming instead of me being an idiot hoping/expecting. Went off a lil but not too much and of course for him that's reason to ignore me. Hasn't asked once how im doing with the physical sickness. I can't fucking believe he did this again honestly. He's been promising to come since spring or smthin. Welll what can I expect.


Talked to my therapist. She's gonna look into some other / additional treatment options but I told her I am not capable of holding out hope. Told her how im closer to suicide / closest I've been in yrs and that nothing but fear & lack of organized method is holding me back. She asked if there's anything else. And nope. I think we both noticed that there used to be a lot holding me back. Living things that no longer make a dent within this suicidality. So yeah. That's all.

Friend said they'd be in this area and to let me kno if there's anything that they could bring. I replied to everything but brain isnt all there so might've offended in my reply. Asked for a dif kinda helped that I had asked for last time they offered to physically bring things. Not sure. It's been 4 hrs so probs? I'm disconnected in ways so people skills def not the best rn.

Anyway.... I hope not but it all just adds to the self hate that is overflowing these days. Like the self loathing words that I won't bother write but are a constant these days. After talking for an hour and a half throat def hurts... im hungry but I won't eat & yeahhh just gonna go back to Youtube and wait to sleep again.

I'm planning & was planning aloud to my therapist on dif methods so shall keep thinking. Concrete planning cannot be done while physically sick like this so shall be jus doin the mental. Disqualifying methods and such as I think. That kinda thing.

God my Dad is such an ass. Tells me to wake up. Some shit about coming on Tuesday and some plans or about work that he never fucking told me. As if im not fucking sick too. I honestly would prefer to get over this sickness alone than deal with assholes rn. I hope my body feels better soon.

Told my therapist that Tuesday vs Wednesday to meet again, that Tuesday is better bc both mentally & otherwise I dunno how much longer im lasting. I dunno how long the lil hope within that's always there will last. It's 40-50% gone & not coming back this time around. I was even considering not eating as a method tbh. 3 days without food or water doesn't feel that hard to me rn. I have def done that before. Almost died in 2017 so. Ugh. Triggered but breathing & calming. Triggered just by his stupid ass text. Don't needa talk to him today. Don't needa see him either. So tired if being mistreated and it being ok to my family. Fuck them.

Goin back to Youtube.

Ugh tryna sleep but both of my nostrils were clogged and now 1 is a little clear but not really tbh. I hate having to breathe from my mouth and it makes my throat hurt more took sometime to clear triggered whatever to call it but now within tryna sleep my thoughts are shitty. So gonna have to force myself to watch something until my mind gets there. Have a headache. Stomach hurts. Explained to my therapist how even making a cup of tea is just too much executive function. Like it gets too cold bc I forget and stuff like that. Like on Thursday tried like 4-5 times to make tea. Reheated it like twice. 5th time I just drank it half cold

I am sleepy tho thank god. So hopefully will be asleep again soon. I'm just very very very tired of everything. Don't wanna be saved or found just want to die. And honestly not having him come is better I think. I'm planning to die pretty soon/soon as plan is planned out. I don't need a lack of compassion in my last days alive like. Fuck him and my family. I deserved better and I'm not taking like shitty handouts anymore.


So yeah before I get some sleep those are my last thoughts.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

Ugh tryna sleep but both of my nostrils were clogged and now 1 is a little clear but not really tbh. I hate having to breathe from my mouth and it makes my throat hurt more took sometime to clear triggered whatever to call it but now within tryna sleep my thoughts are shitty. So gonna have to force myself to watch something until my mind gets there. Have a headache. Stomach hurts. Explained to my therapist how even making a cup of tea is just too much executive function. Like it gets too cold bc I forget and stuff like that. Like on Thursday tried like 4-5 times to make tea. Reheated it like twice. 5th time I just drank it half cold

I am sleepy tho thank god. So hopefully will be asleep again soon. I'm just very very very tired of everything. Don't wanna be saved or found just want to die. And honestly not having him come is better I think. I'm planning to die pretty soon/soon as plan is planned out. I don't need a lack of compassion in my last days alive like. Fuck him and my family. I deserved better and I'm not taking like shitty handouts anymore.


So yeah before I get some sleep those are my last thoughts.

I slept tho it was weird felt feverish? I dunno if I actually have a fever but surprisingly don't feel like im overheating for once. Talk to my Dad a lil and as a person he's just very detached. But convo was meh ig. The constant casual gaslighting is amnoying. It's almost easier to go with but I'm not about that shit anymore. Honestly I'm not always feeling this much contention(?) towards him well kinda but it's 100% exasperated by seeing my Mom last week. And hearing what she said not too long ago. Im just tired of the bullshit honestly and im not gonna let my Dad gaslight or tell me to not speak my mind otherwise. Didn't back down in this convo either.

My friend messages back and yeah I didn't explain anything of why but said im not really like myself rn so replies/responses may not be the best but they probs assumed I meant bc I am sick.

They helped out a lil which rn is a big help so I'm grateful. I just... on so many levels feel like an undeserving piece of shit. While talking to my Dad was yawning but after I felt that internal shakiness trauma type response... im very sensitive rn.


My daydreaming is back full force I haven't been delving into it much tbh even tho ik its around to "protect" me so to speak. I just feel guilty even daydreaming about good things for myself. Ugh. I think I may have forgotten to emphasize this to my therapist but I forgot tbh how bad the self hate is.... like damn... guilty over daydreams? Ugh.


I wanna order ice cream popsicles bc honestly that's all I wanna eat. I don't wanna order it bc money but I'm not getting it otherwise. My Dad asked if I went to the store when I mentioned buying toiletries and im like (this isnt what I said) what fucking part of im sick does he not understand? I can barly breathe how the fuck would I get to the store and back jesus fuck. Why does no one in that (that not mine bc im not claiming em anymore) motherfucking family listen to me jesus christ.


Anyway... im kinda sleepy with a side effect of an adrenaline spike from talking to him. I won't until like Monday maybe. Will just text and even then. Im severely debating the worth/merit of him coming. He's all like I'll be there soon like bruh. Tuesday is 3 fuckin days from now im barly surviving like I'm not a kid anymore waiting months for u to come around just to get a few days relief from the abuse at home. Im an adult now. So ima need the cold/flu to fucking ease enough so I can get up without such a severe risk of fainting. Its got my eyes taking a minute for the black to clear. Makes standing to long dangerous. Plus the sickness in my stomach ugh im tired of being sick it's shit.

Anyway now im forced to rest and that's all I can do bc that's the only way I'll get better well that and eating "right" but I don't have the energy. Maybe I'll order some like easy enough things to eat like boxed smoothie & oatmeal cups. I dunno everything aside from ice cream to think about makes me feel sick. Stores are most likely closed anyway so think about it later.

Plus the like high enough self regard to take care of myself physically or emotionally is non existent. Im sure without I'll def feel better eventually and any weight lost during this time is not something that would upset me. Im not gonna pretend anymore that mentally im healthy in times like this. Even if im ashamed of it all.

Anyway back to Youtube. Gonna take night meds amd hoping to sleep soon again