Wanting to CTB but not wanting to screw up life?

[Made4TV]

So maybe this is more of an observation than a question, or maybe it is both. And maybe it should go in recovery. Anyway, I often notice posts where people are wanting time to ctb but don't want to "miss work" or "take the day off from school." Am I the only person that thinks this shows that at your core you don't want to go through with it? And maybe that's something to look into internally?

I've seen others who have aborted attempts over seemingly really insignificant things ("I was planning to have 15 hours alone but now I'll have only 14.5 so better abort"? Or "I meant to take meto 3 hours ago but forgot and now it will push out my time to drink sn so I will have to ctb on a Tuesday instead of a Monday like I'd intended, so I'm packing it in.")

I'm really not at all trying to shame people who want to make a gesture because they think it is the only way to get help (although I think there are much better and way less manipulative ways to get help and/or attention for a lot of folks), nor those who change their minds or get cold feet and want to re-evaluate (you can always board the bus at a later time, but it won't turn around and drop you back off once you get on). I'm just trying to articulate something I've noticed. Is it a safety valve kind of thing wherein if you change your mind you haven't blown up your life? I mean, why not take a day off work or quit your job if you've no intention of being around the next day? You won't posthumously get a good attendance certificate for not suiciding on a work day.

 

[woxihuanni]

I think it might be because of the probability of failure, though the wish to succeed is real, and not wanting to deal with further problems if it fails.

It might be because the thought process that leads to the bus stop is almost sandboxed, because of SI. I am ordering poison, but I would never drink from a dirty cup. It's like cheating SI in a way, to make your way around it, not trampling over it.

But in this particular case, yeah, I wondered. If I'm dying, I don't give a single fuck if anybody has my belongings or whatnot.

 

[BipolarExpat]

As the "ideal" time draws nearer, SI/fear/confusion and 2nd guessing starts cropping up thereby influencing delay tactics.

I'd say it's a fairly normal reaction to a very abnormal paradigm.

 

[RobynHood]

Is it a safety valve kind of thing wherein if you change your mind you haven't blown up your life? I mean, why not take a day off work or quit your job if you've no intention of being around the next day? You won't posthumously get a good attendance certificate for not suiciding on a work day.

I think it's just showing procrastination. And why would one want to be mindful of others if their life will end? I think people continue to live normally hoping that a miracle could break through or things will turnaround. No one wants to die, I think naturally we do all that we can to prevent death.

 

[Fordprefect]

I agree. I especially do not understand the motives of people who care about trivial stuff or choose potentially painful and unreliable methods to make it look like an accident. I mean if you REALLY want to die or if you have to die, surely you wouldn't care.
Like some people here - and don't get me wrong, I do understand they're suffering - but you tell them 'get heroin', and they answer 'but I don't know how to shoot up'. I mean for fucks sake, do you want to die or not? People you wouldn't call the smartest part of humankind learn how to shoot up somehow, we've all got the Internet, wtf???

 

[RobynHood]

I agree. I especially do not understand the motives of people who care about trivial stuff or choose potentially painful and unreliable methods to make it look like an accident. I mean if you REALLY want to die or if you have to die, surely you wouldn't care.
Like some people here - and don't get me wrong, I do understand they're suffering - but you tell them 'get heroin', and they answer 'but I don't know how to shoot up'. I mean for fucks sake, do you want to die or not? People you wouldn't call the smartest part of humankind learn how to shoot up somehow, we've all got the Internet, wtf???

You don't die after one use of heroin. People would really have to go out of their way to get heroin and plus they could get locked up. There are far more convenient ways. And if it's not common sense to you, it means they obviously don't want to die. You can't take everything at face value. No one wants to die, that's why we seek help.

 

[Fordprefect]

I'd learn to dance tango now if it helped me to die quickly and without pain.

You don't die after one use of heroin. People would really have to go out of their way to get heroin and plus they could get locked up. There are far more convenient ways. And if it's not common sense to you, it means they obviously don't want to die. You can't take everything at face value. No one wants to die, that's why we seek help.

Eeeer. Sorry, how much do you know about h? If you shoot up the lethal dose, you die. On first attempt.
You don't have to go out of your way to get h. That's the point with h, it's everywhere and it's cheap.

 

[RobynHood]

that could be said about any drug?

 

[JimFord99]

You don't die after one use of heroin. People would really have to go out of their way to get heroin and plus they could get locked up. There are far more convenient ways. And if it's not common sense to you, it means they obviously don't want to die. You can't take everything at face value. No one wants to die, that's why we seek help.

This depends on how much you take, and how pure and/or how much stretched it is.

 

[Soul]

I agree. I especially do not understand the motives of people who care about trivial stuff or choose potentially painful and unreliable methods to make it look like an accident. I mean if you REALLY want to die or if you have to die, surely you wouldn't care.
Like some people here - and don't get me wrong, I do understand they're suffering - but you tell them 'get heroin', and they answer 'but I don't know how to shoot up'. I mean for fucks sake, do you want to die or not? People you wouldn't call the smartest part of humankind learn how to shoot up somehow, we've all got the Internet, wtf???

Ok @Fordprefect sweetie - I've enjoyed your posts, and been grateful for your good insights, but since I'm one of the ones who told you I don't think it would be easy for me to successfully acquire/inject heroin or fentanyl, maybe a few clues: Not everyone here is a young healthy adventurous type with energy and money to risk on things that are apparently familiar and simple to some of you. I have a terminal illness, physical handicaps and zero experience with the dark web. I fear getting ripped off. I fear getting arrested. I fear making a bloody mess of my arm when I punch through a vein and waste my lovely opioid.

And several of the rest of you on this thread sound like you'd do well to learn a little about diversity. You don't care what happens to your stuff or who's upset after you die - fine! Other people do care, and they're entitled to, without being judged. Of course some people are hesitant about taking the biggest step ever into the unknown. We don't want to chicken out, we don't want to fail, but we do. SI is strong. Methods are unreliable. The consequences of failure can be dire. Add that to an array of disorders that people are struggling with and it can all be very daunting.

If you aren't hesitant, good for you. But some of you in this thread are sounding a bit condescending. How about practicing some empathy instead? You might learn some useful stuff. Or help people, if it's all so simple for you.

Apologies. But you know ... really?

 

[Throwaway9787]

Ok sweetie - I've enjoyed your posts but since I'm one of the ones who told you I don't think it would be easy for me to successfully acquire/inject heroin or fentanyl, maybe a few clues: Not everyone here is a young healthy adventurous type with energy and money to risk on things that are apparently familiar and simple to some of you. I have a terminal illness, physical handicaps and zero experience with the dark web. I fear getting ripped off. I fear getting arrested. I fear making a bloody mess of my arm when I punch through a vein and waste my lovely opioid.

And several of the rest of you on this thread sound like you'd do well to learn a little about diversity. You don't care what happens to your stuff or who's upset after you die - fine! Other people do care, and they're entitled to, without being judged. Of course some people are hesitatant about taking the biggest step ever into the unknown. We don't want to chicken out, we don't want to fail, but we do. SI is strong. Methods are unreliable. The consequences of failure can be dire. Add that to an array of disorders that people are struggling with and it can all be very daunting.

If you aren't hesitant, good for you. But some of you in this thread are sounding a bit superior about it. How about practicing some empathy instead? You might learn some useful stuff. Help people, if it's all so simple for you.

Apologies. But you know ... really?

Dark web is very simple if you google it

-download the tor browser(mod of firefox)
-go to darknetlive.com
-find empire market url
-copy paste into url
-register on empire


-download coinbase on your phone
-pay with a debit or credit card for bitcoin
-you now have bitcoin in your wallet

Go to empire account (wallet)
Press generate bitcoin wallet
Should give you a QR code you can scan with the coinbase app
Deposit bitcoin
Find vendor(ill pm several)
Purchase product shipped safely to your house.

Very good if you have a disability.

Pm if you want several reputable vendor names for H

 

[Soul]

Dark web is very simple if you google it

-download the tor browser(mod of firefox)
-go to darknetlive.com
-find empire market url
-copy paste into url
-register on empire


-download coinbase on your phone
-pay with a debit or credit card for bitcoin
-you now have bitcoin in your wallet

Go to empire account (wallet)
Press generate bitcoin wallet
Should give you a QR code you can scan with the coinbase app
Deposit bitcoin
Find vendor(ill pm several)
Purchase product shipped safely to your house.

Very good if you have a disability.

Pm if you want several reputable vendor names for H

I appreciate the step-by-step instructions, @Throwaway9787, and someday I hope to have enough of my mind clear enough of all the other shit I have to deal with right now to sit down and study it.

Thank you. x

 

[Throwaway9787]

I appreciate the step-by-step instructions, @Throwaway9787, and someday I hope to have enough of my mind clear enough of all the other shit I have to deal with right now to sit down and study it.

Thank you. x

Ive been stalling doing it because im basically on suicide watch at home. Everyone has obstacles. My illness makes me so fatigued that i can barely make it out of the house even if im allowed too. Ill do it soon tho. PM if you need any info

 

[Soul]

Ive been stalling doing it because im basically on suicide watch at home. Everyone has obstacles. My illness makes me so fatigued that i can barely make it out of the house even if im allowed too. Ill do it soon tho. PM if you need any info

Most everyone does indeed have obstacles, and even those who don't shouldn't feel pressured to move faster than they feel like moving, or to explain their timeline to anyone.

I appreciate your clear and concrete help. x

 

[Fordprefect]

Ok @Fordprefect sweetie - I've enjoyed your posts, and been grateful for your good insights, but since I'm one of the ones who told you I don't think it would be easy for me to successfully acquire/inject heroin or fentanyl, maybe a few clues: Not everyone here is a young healthy adventurous type with energy and money to risk on things that are apparently familiar and simple to some of you. I have a terminal illness, physical handicaps and zero experience with the dark web. I fear getting ripped off. I fear getting arrested. I fear making a bloody mess of my arm when I punch through a vein and waste my lovely opioid.

And several of the rest of you on this thread sound like you'd do well to learn a little about diversity. You don't care what happens to your stuff or who's upset after you die - fine! Other people do care, and they're entitled to, without being judged. Of course some people are hesitant about taking the biggest step ever into the unknown. We don't want to chicken out, we don't want to fail, but we do. SI is strong. Methods are unreliable. The consequences of failure can be dire. Add that to an array of disorders that people are struggling with and it can all be very daunting.

If you aren't hesitant, good for you. But some of you in this thread are sounding a bit condescending. How about practicing some empathy instead? You might learn some useful stuff. Or help people, if it's all so simple for you.

Apologies. But you know ... really?

I absolutely did not mean you when I wrote that.

I remember very well that you've got lousy veins and tremors, injecting is not gonna be simple for you. And ive been thinking about your problem, i think rectal is the perfect way to do it for you. But it's completely different from 'the obstacles' some other people are talking about. Healthy, young people. I may have been too harsh, I am sorry, but I've got this one person I've been talking to over PM, they've got more than 1g of heroin on them right now and - can I just say sorry to that person if they're reading this - they dont know what to do with it and ask questions that are easily Googled. Please understand I have to fucking hang myself because I CAN'T get the stuff, and here we've got people who say things like 'oh I don't like needles' etc We're grown up people, we're talking suicide for God's sake, surely if somebody really wants to die they should be prepared to Google, and try doing IV injections with saline first, and what have you

I have become a little bit bitter after reading some of what people write in threads concerned with heroin. It's just... so easy for most people who don't have the same health issues as you. And they ask questions which they wouldn't if they first read this: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heroin or even better: https://m.psychonautwiki.org/wiki/Heroin

 

[CURSED again]

@Throwaway9787 regarding suicide watch at home i feel for you as i am sort of in the same boat - its Hell. Its kind of you to help people with the darknet etc. I was reading up on coinbase verification & i definitely need to get a smartphone for it - i deliberately only used a 3g the last few years since someone i know with a top line smartphone that had zillions of robocalls all the time - so even though i could afford a top line phone i avoided them - @Throwaway9787 feel better i empathize regarding not feeling well, etc.

 

[JimFord99]

Dark web is very simple if you google it

-download the tor browser(mod of firefox)
-go to darknetlive.com
-find empire market url
-copy paste into url
-register on empire


-download coinbase on your phone
-pay with a debit or credit card for bitcoin
-you now have bitcoin in your wallet

Go to empire account (wallet)
Press generate bitcoin wallet
Should give you a QR code you can scan with the coinbase app
Deposit bitcoin
Find vendor(ill pm several)
Purchase product shipped safely to your house.

Very good if you have a disability.

Pm if you want several reputable vendor names for H

Once again, very helpful info, esp for novices like me.

 

[Jumper]

If you attempt suicide on a workday:
1) the risk of discovery may increase (e.g. coworker requesting a wellness check)
2) the stress surrounding your attempt may increase (the thought of people looking for you/blowing up your phone) - better to have peace
3) the consequences of failure may be greater (e.g. reprimanded, discovery that you had to go to a psych ward)
4) the idea of being MIA at certain critical jobs is disturbing for highly conscientious people

 

[Soul]

I absolutely did not mean you when I wrote that.

I remember very well that you've got lousy veins and tremors, injecting is not gonna be simple for you. And ive been thinking about your problem, i think rectal is the perfect way to do it for you. But it's completely different from 'the obstacles' some other people are talking about. Healthy, young people. I may have been too harsh, I am sorry, but I've got this one person I've been talking to over PM, they've got more than 1g of heroin on them right now and - can I just say sorry to that person if they're reading this - they dont know what to do with it and ask questions that are easily Googled. Please understand I have to fucking hang myself because I CAN'T get the stuff, and here we've got people who say things like 'oh I don't like needles' etc We're grown up people, we're talking suicide for God's sake, surely if somebody really wants to die they should be prepared to Google, and try doing IV injections with saline first, and what have you

I have become a little bit bitter after reading some of what people write in threads concerned with heroin. It's just... so easy for most people who don't have the same health issues as you. And they ask questions which they wouldn't if they first read this: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heroin or even better: https://m.psychonautwiki.org/wiki/Heroin

I know it can be frustrating, but this forum is a wonderful place to practice compassion. I'd personally suggest removing the part about the clingy pm's from your post - some people are very scared, crave human contact, and/or have disorders that make it very hard to focus on reading articles. Some want to be held and fed the information. If you don't want to do that, you should say that to the person in a pm.

Different people want different things from our deaths. Some hate hanging; some hate needles; no one's righter than anyone else.

Compassion and empathy. x

 

[Daniela]

Is there anything, anything at all that I can do, as a recluse with no income of my own, who has to ask my parents if I can buy even tic tacs?

I don't have a debit card. ...

 

[LastFlowers]

I have been getting irritated by that and similar things.
For instance, I have been seeing a lot of posts from people that aren't technically goodbye threads but are pretty much the same thing (maybe them trying to get around the new rule?)...and I keep thinking I'm experiencing some excessive form of deja vu because it's the same people starting the same threads all the time where they say they will go through with it soon but then don't for various reasons..some inconsequential like you say, and some really off the wall "excuses" which I raise many an eyebrow to but usually don't say anything about.
And when I say "excuses", I mean outrageous stories that might as well involve flying pigs who swooped a member from their path, snorting off into the opposite direction of the den of unicorns they were planning to impale themselves upon.


I mean, I'm not telling anyone to go through with it, but stop the back and forth and obvious attention seeking which takes away from genuine threads. We all know the feeling of being the boy who cried wolf because anyone who talks about suicide while still breathing air is accused of it.
But a select few really DO deserve that title.
I feel like there are definitely people here who straight up lie about attempts.
Personally, unless I were to get a surge of impulse, I know I'm not prepared to go yet, so I'm not going to make a thread about "will I or won't I...12 hours later...I forgot to replenish the toilet paper dispenser"

There are certain reasons that make no sense whatsoever to cause delay, and others that do.
My delay is lack of preparation and the fear that I will end up even worse off than I am now.
So why can't people just say as much without the bait n switch.

 

[JimFord99]

Is there anything, anything at all that I can do, as a recluse with no income of my own, who has to ask my parents if I can buy even tic tacs?

I don't have a debit card. ...

How old are you? Sorry for asking, but it sounds a bit odd to me, no offence by all means.

 

[Daniela]

How old are you? Sorry for asking, but it sounds a bit odd to me, no offence by all means.

30 years old. I am a hikikomori

Hikikomori - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

 

[JimFord99]

I have been getting irritated by that and similar things.
For instance, I have been seeing a lot of posts from people that aren't technically goodbye threads but are pretty much the same thing (maybe them trying to get around the new rule?)...and I keep thinking I'm experiencing some excessive form of deja vu because it's the same people starting the same threads all the time where they say they will go through with it soon but then don't for various reasons..some inconsequential like you say, and some really off the wall "excuses" which I raise many an eyebrow to but usually don't say anything about.
And when I say "excuses", I mean outrageous stories that might as well involve flying pigs who swooped a member from their path, snorting off into the opposite direction of the den of unicorns they were planning to impale themselves upon.


I mean, I'm not telling anyone to go through with it, but stop the back and forth and obvious attention seeking which takes away from genuine threads. We all know the feeling of being the boy who cried wolf because anyone who talks about suicide while still breathing air is accused of it.
But a select few really DO deserve that title.
I feel like there are definitely people here who straight up lie about attempts.
Personally, unless I were to get a surge of impulse, I know I'm not prepared to go yet, so I'm not going to make a thread about "will I or won't I...12 hours later...I forgot to replenish the toilet paper dispenser"

There are certain reasons that make no sense whatsoever to cause delay, and others that do.
My delay is lack of preparation and the fear that I will end up even worse off than I am now.
So why can't people just say as much without the bait n switch.

Key to success is preparation in MHO.

 

[snowman626]

30 years old. I am a hikikomori

Hikikomori - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

Im a little bit of a hikkomori myself, except i have a dead end pt job. But when im not working i spend all my time at home online. So i guess im also a freeter.

Im also a parasite single cause i live with my mother, however i do pay half the rent so then again not so parasitic after all. But without my pt job im definitely all of the above.