wanting to ctb because of drugs?

[weonaestupida]

I'm 22 and I've been using drugs since I was 14, just weed at that time but later it become worse, my parents even put me in a mental hospital. I'm supposed to be sober but I didn't. I've been smoking weed and eating benzos like candy.
I want to ctb because I can't be like this anymore, and it doesn't get better like everybody says, getting clean it's like one of my fears: living a lame life.

 

[Oblivion Access]

I think if anything drugs kept me from suicide. They have also exacerbated a number of issues and caused new ones but they kept me from putting together and executing a plan. I find life is lame on or off drugs, but off drugs I'm just so much more aware and sensitive to how awful it is.

 

[Samsal112]

How is it for you taking benzos like that? Do you suffer horrible withdrawals when trying to quit? I am so shocked how much those damn things ruined my life. But, before becoming chronically ill from gallbladder removal and psych drugs, I was addicted to energy drinks and caffeine. I know compared to drugs that seems lame. But, I have been off them for 3 years and my life feels bland. Like, I feel like I lost a best friend or a part of myself. I have been trying to explain this to people but because it is "just caffeine," my feelings get blown off. I also want to ctb, because a life without energy drinks or that feeling is just lame. I have lost my confidence, my joy, and it feels like someone plucked my soul from me. Maybe not drugs, but I do get what you're talking about.

 

[PursuitofWonder]

I've been in a similar place, still am honestly. If you don't personally view sobriety as a goal, you won't be sober. Nobody can force you to be clean if you don't want to stop. Finding a goal that you actually personally believe in is important, maybe something like moderating your doses of benzos.