Venting Wanting something I can never have

[druggedonsurvival]

I don't know why I desire a relationship so much. Maybe it's because society tells me I'm supposed to be in one. Maybe it's because I feel so alienated and lonely, and I imagine that a relationship could help solve that. Maybe it's because I feel left out of romantic experiences, never having had a relationship for my entire life, and I'm quickly running out of youth during which I can experience it for the first time.

Whatever the reason may be, it's such an alluring fantasy. I don't care about sex, I just want someone who can hold me and tell me that everything will be okay (and I'd believe them), someone who I genuinely care about and can relate to, someone who could possibly give me the joy in life that I've been missing. However, I know that this can never happen to me. People want happiness from a relationship, and that's something that I am utterly bereft of. All I have is doubt and self-loathing and depression... nobody wants that. So I'm condemned to the pain of desperately wanting something that I know deep down I'll never have.

I know there's a chance that a relationship wouldn't help me. Some of you on this forum are in relationships; obviously it's not enough for you. But man, I feel like if I could experience it just once, maybe I'd have some hope for this life. What horrible irony. I suppose all this daydreaming is just my brain's way of trying to find a reason to keep going, but I know it's a lie.

 

[theboy]

don't fill your emptiness with another person. you must feel complete yourself. on the other hand, love will come sooner or later for you. you can also look for it.

 

[untothedepths]

You should try. And try not to listen to people's expectations on what is and isnt relationship, aside from the usual red flags of course. My advice? Make friends with someone. Learn about who they are. Spend time with them. It's going to be hard due to how you feel right now but if you have enough will power the dopamine might follow through.

 

[druggedonsurvival]

don't fill your emptiness with another person. you must feel complete yourself. on the other hand, love will come sooner or later for you. you can also look for it.

I suppose it would be easier if I weren't such a defeatist. I don't really believe love will come to me, I would have to pursue it, but the chances seem dismal.

You should try. And try not to listen to people's expectations on what is and isnt relationship, aside from the usual red flags of course. My advice? Make friends with someone. Learn about who they are. Spend time with them. It's going to be hard due to how you feel right now but if you have enough will power the dopamine might follow through.

Yeah, I hope I can get to the place where that's feasible. If there's a secret to self-love I'd like to know what it is, because it's always eluded me. Thanks for the advice in any case.

 

[theboy]

I suppose it would be easier if I weren't such a defeatist. I don't really believe love will come to me, I would have to pursue it, but the chances seem dismal.

Yeah, I hope I can get to the place where that's feasible. If there's a secret to self-love I'd like to know what it is, because it's always eluded me. Thanks for the advice in any case.

don't be so pessimistic. some people prefer to look for love or wait for love to come. if you look for it, you could do well. why not.

Self-love is a work in progress.

 

[carac]

I'm right with you here and I guessing way older. I think I've come to terms with it now, it's something I will almost certainly never have. Loving a dog will just have to do

 

[ClaudeCTTE]

I can relate completely to what you're saying.

Since I was a pre-teen, I always fantasized about having a romantic relationship because I was always seeking new sensations. Unfortunately, I was shy and felt rejected.

In high school, I downplayed it, but in college, I felt the need to be in a relationship again. There I met several people I wanted to be in a relationship with, but I always felt like those people were uninterested in me or would tell me I was a cold person. After so much nonsense, I gave up.

Currently, I've lost interest in being in a relationship or even having friendships. I always think I'm misunderstood. Although on one hand, I still have some interest in meeting people online.
Another thing about me is that I'm extremely selective, so my interests in a romantic relationship are only possible in my fantasies.

What I've done to reduce the pain of not being able to be in a relationship is to highlight in my mind the benefits of not being in a relationship. Although, of course, these benefits are only selfish ideas.
I always think that by not being in a relationship, I'll have more time to do things alone, save more money, and not be thinking about something as traditional as having children and a family. However, I believe that in the end, this only reduces my pain a little.

If being lonely affects you, you can try to make friends or have a pet to reduce that feeling of loneliness. Although to be honest, having friends in middle school didn't help me stop thinking about being in a romantic relationship.
Another thing to consider in relationships is that you should keep in mind that you're talking to people to socialize and not to be in a romantic relationship with them. Perhaps this way, you won't worry so much.

But well, some of the things I say are more than nonsense.
I hope you manage to meet someone who appreciates you, or at least someone who makes you feel accompanied.

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

I relate to a lot of this but honestly, the pain from the end of relationships isn't worth it. I have experienced some bad relationship trauma including violence and while the good moments felt lovely, given the choice I'd rather be single and have friends and travel than go through the hell relationships have given me.

Kicked and slapped, yelled at, ignored, manipulated and gaslight... all of that, for 'love'. By people who said they loved me, but just used me for sex.

It's not worth it. The pain is not worth it.

 

[druggedonsurvival]

I relate to a lot of this but honestly, the pain from the end of relationships isn't worth it. I have experienced some bad relationship trauma including violence and while the good moments felt lovely, given the choice I'd rather be single and have friends and travel than go through the hell relationships have given me.

Kicked and slapped, yelled at, ignored, manipulated and gaslight... all of that, for 'love'. By people who said they loved me, but just used me for sex.

It's not worth it. The pain is not worth it.

I guess that's why I never tried to get into a relationship for a long time. I've witnessed many relationships that failed. Maybe I'd be dissatisfied either way. Anyway, so sorry to hear you've been treated like that; can't blame you for wanting to stay single.

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

I guess that's why I never tried to get into a relationship for a long time. I've witnessed many relationships that failed. Maybe I'd be dissatisfied either way. Anyway, so sorry to hear you've been treated like that; can't blame you for wanting to stay single.

Thank you <3 For me I see relationships that have worked, but it's very hard when you have autism to see the red flags, which is why many of us end up in relationships that I think most neurotypical people would look at and go, 'uh, RUN this person is toxic'. And we end up going "but they've been through so much..." and we empathize with them too much. If a relationship happened that would be really nice but I also wouldn't even dream of going on a date with someone unless I had someone to vouch for their character.