Venting Wanted to die because of a love I couldn't have

[CrestDragon]

Sorry guys for the long post. It sounds so lame and weak af if I say I wanna die because of an unrequited love but I guess I'll say it here because I don't have anywhere to go. Yall can call me coward, a simp or anything and I'm fine with it, all my friends called me that and they all left me by now. They also said there were plenty fishes in the sea.

I've been dealing with depression and self hatred for like a few years before one of my old friend became my coworker earlier last year. I fell for her and for a brief moment I thought I found the light. But then she got a boyfriend, I was left devastated, and they broke up, and we became normal again, close, but never more than friend.
As a guy who was never loved by anyone, all I could do was trying, and trying harder to be a good person, to satisfy her need and make her happy, in order to feel something back. But she was not the most thoughtful person ever, she is really negative and negligent at times and she hurt my feeling a lot. But she also was there for me every single time I was at my lowest, care for me and giving me hope. Just like that, after a year. I slowly lost all my dignity and self esteem, and become emotionally dependent on her. To the point that I am willing to beg her to stay and everything bad she does to me literally shatters my heart.

I wanna CTB just because I feel hopeless, like I've lost all hope that anything I do will lead me anywhere, and suffering everyday from her negativity and my own hopelessness is just too much for me.
And I can't quit my job. I see her everyday, and I don't have the courage to not see her again. I tried having a break from my job for a month back in January, it really led me to my first attempt using SN. That night I decided to call her minutes before drinking the SN mix, and she went looking for me everywhere, and after that I realized I didn't wanna hurt anybody.
But nothing got better, even after seeking help from a therapist. I tried CTB again last month without telling anyone, just to realize I could had the courage to drink it. My SI arose and I almost had a convulsion. I hate myself so much since this is the easiest, most peaceful way of them all and I can't even do that.

I don't want anything to be better because I know I can't change, and I can't run away. I just want to know how learn to accept death, so I can plan again in near future. I can not live like this anymore

 

[Linda]

Sorry guys for the long post. It sounds so lame and weak af if I say I wanna die because of an unrequited love but I guess I'll say it here because I don't have anywhere to go. Yall can call me coward, a simp or anything and I'm fine with it, all my friends called me that and they all left me by now. They also said there were plenty fishes in the sea.

I've been dealing with depression and self hatred for like a few years before one of my old friend became my coworker earlier last year. I fell for her and for a brief moment I thought I found the light. But then she got a boyfriend, I was left devastated, and they broke up, and we became normal again, close, but never more than friend.
As a guy who was never loved by anyone, all I could do was trying, and trying harder to be a good person, to satisfy her need and make her happy, in order to feel something back. But she was not the most thoughtful person ever, she is really negative and negligent at times and she hurt my feeling a lot. But she also was there for me every single time I was at my lowest, care for me and giving me hope. Just like that, after a year. I slowly lost all my dignity and self esteem, and become emotionally dependent on her. To the point that I am willing to beg her to stay and everything bad she does to me literally shatters my heart.

I wanna CTB just because I feel hopeless, like I've lost all hope that anything I do will lead me anywhere, and suffering everyday from her negativity and my own hopelessness is just too much for me.
And I can't quit my job. I see her everyday, and I don't have the courage to not see her again. I tried having a break from my job for a month back in January, it really led me to my first attempt using SN. That night I decided to call her minutes before drinking the SN mix, and she went looking for me everywhere, and after that I realized I didn't wanna hurt anybody.
But nothing got better, even after seeking help from a therapist. I tried CTB again last month without telling anyone, just to realize I could had the courage to drink it. My SI arose and I almost had a convulsion. I hate myself so much since this is the easiest, most peaceful way of them all and I can't even do that.

I don't want anything to be better because I know I can't change, and I can't run away. I just want to know how learn to accept death, so I can plan again in near future. I can not live like this anymore

It's rarely a good idea to ctb because a relationship has ended, or is causing problems in some other way. There are usually less drastic ways to manage the situation.
She may be the most important person in your life, but it's obvious that you are not the most important in hers. So she's never going to be your partner. You will have to look for someone else.
In your case it's complicated by the fact that you can't avoid seeing her, because of your job. One possibility would be to find a way to make a clean break from her. I don't know how you would do that, but you might have some ideas. Anothr way would be to interact with her at work no more than you absolutely have to. Remain polite, and even friendly towards her, but keep your distance.
Good luck.

 

[Worndown]

Sadly, relationships come and go. Some never get started.
We easily invest in others and when we part ways, it hurts.
I cannot say you will get over it. Other factors are in play in your life.
I would advise you to go slowly to your end. This issue might fade and you find a reason to stay with us for a little longer.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

It can take years to get over someone. All those chemicals that your glands produce that create that "love" feeling inside you need to stop being produce and need to dissipate from your system. Only time can facilitate that.

 

[KillingPain267]

Man, I understand this. But guess what is worse (in my case): A beautiful relationship starting and then ENDING. I found my soulmate, or so I thought, and had the most beautiful 8 years of my life. But then... my spouse left, shattering my heart and making me determined to ctb. Because before metting my ex, I had hope at least, but now none. So to be honest, I wish I had never met my ex in the first place and never had those 8 years of good memories. Because now those memories just hurt to think back on. I was suicidal when lonely before I met my ex, but not as suicidal as now AFTER the relationship failed. I knew the very second it ended that this was the final straw; almost a year later I know I will never be able to be with another person and trust them no matter how much of a crush I might develop.

It can take years to get over someone. All those chemicals that your glands produce that create that "love" feeling inside you need to stop being produce and need to dissipate from your system. Only time can facilitate that.

Oxytocin, yes. Man, even going cold turkey from oxyCODONE opioids is easier and faster than getting over an ex! It's pretty dumb and absurd.

 

[derpyderpins]

But she was not the most thoughtful person ever, she is really negative and negligent at times and she hurt my feeling a lot. But she also was there for me every single time I was at my lowest, care for me and giving me hope. Just like that, after a year. I slowly lost all my dignity and self esteem, and become emotionally dependent on her. To the point that I am willing to beg her to stay and everything bad she does to me literally shatters my heart.

Pretty girls make graves. I swear once they hooked you into the limerent feelings you can ignore truly heinous stuff as you create a false image that they are not self-centered and awful. This sounds a lot like a situation I was in where this girl knew I was into her and completely used me, building the desire more and more.

You're not a simp. You're human. I'm sorry being human sucks so much.

 

[flyfreetonopain]

If you are still healthy, and able to have a job, value your life. love it. enjoy the little things. After covid infection, i am suffering from severe neuropathy on my spine which radiates everywhere. i cannot even breathe without pain. though i appear normal, it is a constant torture everyday and i miss my old life, my old self.. i was depressed too before over heartbreak from the love i had known since 13 years old who cheated on me when i was 21, and i was still single at 28 when i fell sick... i am now 29 and it has been around 15 months since. There is a shittier side of life than heartbreak, that side is when your body fails you and doctors are of no help at all... i wished i had this perspective when i was heartbroken to cry less and enjoy my life and good health a bit more. if you still have that, please value it. smile and take care of yourself. your happiness should come from within. i hope you feel better.

 

[eatantz]

I relate to this, I've wanted to ctb many times over unrequited love. I think it's a valid reason, I see no shame in it. Love is heartbreaking, having to live a life seeing the person you want not reciprocate your feelings is torture. Whenever I think about him I feel my world dim, it's haunts me. I can't wait to die so i'll finally be free of seeing him in his perfect relationship.

Love is important and I just want you to know it's not weak or lame, it's real and valid. I wish the best for you, wether that's a peaceful death or a new love for you!