Want to talk? Maybe get someone else’s point of view?

[LivingForTheMoment]

Howdy!

Well I am back on despite being unsure in my last post.

If anyone is feeling down I would really like to help. I may not be able to solve your problems, but I know how much it means to have someone listen, so I've decided to make the offer here.

I have survived my own suicide attempt and am on my own personal journey for redemption and peace. And I believe that for me part of the journey is helping others out too!

I apologize in advance if you write to me and I don't respond right away, but I assure you I will in time! I'll be checking for the next week as often as I can.

Have a blessed day!

EDIT: It has been brought to my attention that since I'm new here people can't message me personally. I'm sorry about the inconvenience, but if you're comfortable enough to reply publicly here I'm happy to talk!

ANOTHER EDIT (WHAAAAAT!?): I should add that big word dumps, goofy one liners and meandering stuff are most welcome here. Get that stuff off your chest so you don't end up kooky like me lol

 

[accountnamerequired]

I don't have anything to talk about but it's always nice to see such positivity here

 

[Celerity]

I just tried to send you a message, and the site said I couldn't.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

Howdy!

Well I am back on despite being unsure in my last post.

If anyone is feeling down I would really like to help. I may not be able to solve your problems, but I know how much it means to have someone listen, so I've decided to make the offer here.

I have survived my own suicide attempt and am on my own personal journey for redemption and peace. And I believe that for me part of the journey is helping others out too!

I apologize in advance if you write to me and I don't respond right away, but I assure you I will in time! I'll be checking for the next week as often as I can.

Have a blessed day!

People can't pm you, you don't have enough posts yet .

 

[WeirdTheaterKid02]

My parents are getting divorced. I'm 19 and live at home still, and I feel a lot of pressure to make sure everyone stays mentally ok. Both my mom and dad want to do this civilly but my mom is an extremely emotional driven person (I get this from her) and my dad is very much not so. I feel like I'm finally connecting with both of them after so long but I just don't understand why they neglected me most of my childhood and are only now showing me the love I needed growing up. I almost relapsed my SH thankfully I called a friend. I'm just feeling very lost but also not suicidal, which I'm thankful for. I recently started smoking weed to help. Got a medical card and everything. Using it has been the most powerful medication I've ever had. I've been on a few different anti anxiety and antidepressants but none of them really help the way pot has helped me. Even still it mostly feels like im masking all of my emotions in front of my parents so that my emotions don't play off of theirs and cause chaos. I can't slip into any kind of anger or fear or sadness in front of them because if I do then everything falls apart. I have to be on guard all the time.

Sorry for the word dump I just don't know how to process things otherwise. but anyone have any thoughts?

 

[LivingForTheMoment]

People can't pm you, you don't have enough posts yet .

Oh no! That's too bad. If you're comfortable talk here that's fine with me!

I just tried to send you a message, and the site said I couldn't.

Sorry about that! If there's anything you're comfortable sharing here I'm happy to chat.

My parents are getting divorced. I'm 19 and live at home still, and I feel a lot of pressure to make sure everyone stays mentally ok. Both my mom and dad want to do this civilly but my mom is an extremely emotional driven person (I get this from her) and my dad is very much not so. I feel like I'm finally connecting with both of them after so long but I just don't understand why they neglected me most of my childhood and are only now showing me the love I needed growing up. I almost relapsed my SH thankfully I called a friend. I'm just feeling very lost but also not suicidal, which I'm thankful for. I recently started smoking weed to help. Got a medical card and everything. Using it has been the most powerful medication I've ever had. I've been on a few different anti anxiety and antidepressants but none of them really help the way pot has helped me. Even still it mostly feels like im masking all of my emotions in front of my parents so that my emotions don't play off of theirs and cause chaos. I can't slip into any kind of anger or fear or sadness in front of them because if I do then everything falls apart. I have to be on guard all the time.

Sorry for the word dump I just don't know how to process things otherwise. but anyone have any thoughts?

Hey there! Im sorry to hear that things are difficult for you right now. Your efforts to look after others are very admirable, and I want to say that from what you've written I think you're a really good person.

I've also had challenges with medications. During my time in hospital I was prescribed a lot of stuff, all of which I had adverse reactions to. So I'm glad you've been able to find a solution in marijuana.

Smoking is a good tool to help, but like you've said it may only mask the challenges you're experiencing.

I can imagine it's really hard to keep strong for those around you, so if there's any possibility of you talking to someone you trust other than your parents in real life about the way you feel o think that would be really helpful.

In terms of managing emotions though, I've found mediation to be incredibly beneficial. When meditating you can create a sort of metaphorical space to step back and observe the way you're feeling, observing and acknowledging them without engaging with them in a way that causes you harm. Overtime you can create more of a flowing relationship with your mind, with things pass more fluidly without upset or tension.

I find that when you can become aware and present with the feelings you can begin to let go of them. It has also helped me in difficult situations where I reacting is not the best course of action. In these cases I simply rest in awareness and quietly let things pass through. Attempting to push things away or hold on can be really taxing on your mind.

I should add that it takes time for this sort of practice to work. It's like working a muscle in your body. With consistent and intentional effort you'll see great results!

I hope some of this helps, and wish you the very best on your journey!

 

[Dopamine_Junkie44]

I am in a bad state mentally at the moment. My life looks pretty good from the outside. I have a home, a job, a family. Still I feel a strong pull to CTB at the moment. I cannot explain why. Guess my life is pretty much like other peoples life. I lack self acceptance though. It is very difficult for me to be satisfied with how I handle things or treat people. I mistake information for critizism. I pull back from people, when I feel needy, because I think it will make them sick of me. And I can't stand being alone. I only feel very happy, when I am connected to people. Every small argument shakes this connection though.
I talk a lot to a lot of people. But I don't talk about CTB because I don't want people to hurt or worry. And I don't want them to feel obliged to talk to me.

I might need some professional help, but I can't make myself arrange an appointment with a doctor. Because then people will worry about me. And I suffer from the wall I put between other people an me. I want to feel like a child again (i had a pretty good childhood). I want to sink into someones arms and forget about everything. And there is someone really close who would like me to do just that , but I can't. I am just too scared of showing him how week and child-like I am inside...

Thanks for listening. It helps me understand myself better, when I can talk freely... Without holding anything back. Even though now some of you will rightfully think "oh. She has it all and is still unhappy?"

Have a good healing day today.

 

[Meimi18]

Hey! It's nice to see some positivity on here, I'm glad you're doing better! Make sure to know your limits though, draw clear boundaries and don't overexert yourself and such. It's great you wanna help others, but make sure to take care of yourself too <3

 

[bagot77]

I agree with everyone liking the positivity. It shouldn't be banished to the recovery thread.

 

[penguinl0v3s]

I miss my recovery buddy a lot. My friends believe I could've prevented his death, or done more to prevent it and maybe my pro-choice perspective stopped me from putting in more effort to alleviate his pain... he had already tried therapy and meds and they didn't work, but he would've wanted to live if he thought it was possible to do without suffering. But now I'm agonizing over the fact that I never met up with him before his ctb (he lived close by). There's just so much "what if" for things that I can't change anymore. And it's only after his death that I acknowledge that I felt something strongly for him. Whether I fell for him romantically, thought about him as my savior, or just a really good friendship.

 

[owano]

My biggest struggle right now is the future. College application deadlines loom over me, alongside studying for the SAT as a last ditch effort to get a better score, and of course my actual school work. Then there's figuring out how to appear promising in scholarships so they can grant me money, even though there's a lot of other people that would look better on paper (they tend to look at leadership and volunteering, which.. I haven't done much of). It's so much pressure, and it doesn't help when my parents' form of help is always "You need to apply for scholarships", "Have you been working on college applications? You need to. You shouldn't wait until the last minute like last month", etc. So, I've been struggling a lot with fighting my mind between staying and opting to CTB.
I've been trying to convince myself to stay longer with figuring out the "best" time for it. I can't CTB during thanksgiving break because it's after audition results come out, and I don't want people to attribute my suicide to whatever team I make (ie. "he was so upset he made JV he CTB" or "making varsity was too much pressure so he CTB"). But then afterwards I'd have to wait till around February, so the season ends for my sport and for a club I do (it's similar to theater so me existing is important for that to run smoothly). But then there's not really any breaks until summer by that point, because I don't want to risk the attempt not working and having to miss a bunch of school (I had an attempt during thanksgiving break my freshman year and I recovered enough to go back to school by the time the break ended so that was pretty nice. It was during the height of covid so my parents thought it was just that, then claimed I was sick because I was "severely dehydrated" after I came back negative for covid lol.. so I just let them believe that and never went to the hospital). etc etc.
On the other side though, I don't know how my future will look like if I decided to stay — especially financially. Therapy and getting medicated would have to be me independently paying, as my parents don't believe that such things work (I brought it up to my mom once, and she went on about that and how it costs a lot of money, almost as if I was asking for a toy or something, rather than help to try and not attempt). Then, of course, college tuition on top of everything. As a trans man, I'd also would want to go on Testosterone, and eventually surgeries, but all of that costs money too :(. My family is really conservative about all of that, so I've come to the conclusion that I have to accept I'll probably have to ditch them to live the life I want, but I hate the thought of such isolation. So it just feels like there's not really a point in living, as it feels as though all odds are against me.

 

[LivingForTheMoment]

I am in a bad state mentally at the moment. My life looks pretty good from the outside. I have a home, a job, a family. Still I feel a strong pull to CTB at the moment. I cannot explain why. Guess my life is pretty much like other peoples life. I lack self acceptance though. It is very difficult for me to be satisfied with how I handle things or treat people. I mistake information for critizism. I pull back from people, when I feel needy, because I think it will make them sick of me. And I can't stand being alone. I only feel very happy, when I am connected to people. Every small argument shakes this connection though.
I talk a lot to a lot of people. But I don't talk about CTB because I don't want people to hurt or worry. And I don't want them to feel obliged to talk to me.

I might need some professional help, but I can't make myself arrange an appointment with a doctor. Because then people will worry about me. And I suffer from the wall I put between other people an me. I want to feel like a child again (i had a pretty good childhood). I want to sink into someones arms and forget about everything. And there is someone really close who would like me to do just that , but I can't. I am just too scared of showing him how week and child-like I am inside...

Thanks for listening. It helps me understand myself better, when I can talk freely... Without holding anything back. Even though now some of you will rightfully think "oh. She has it all and is still unhappy?"

Have a good healing day today.

Sorry it's been so long, things have been a little crazy as I am in the process of moving.

I am sorry you're struggling, and you don't need to worry about how others view your situation. From the outside everything looked great for me too, no one knew I was struggling until it was too late.

What I'm trying to say is that I've been there too, things look like they're supposed to, but something isn't right. I also want to say that you're doing quite well considering you know what makes you happy, that is a great first step in feeling better. Perhaps this isn't my place to say, but I think your fear of how others may see you is keeping you from finding the happiness you deserve. In truth we can never control how others will view us, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't avoid being yourself and reaching out, in fact it's all the more important that you are yourself. Admitting your shortcomings takes way more courage and strength than Putting up a facade.

I hope you find peace, and get to be held in the arms of that person you've mentioned, being honest and humble is very attractive!

Hey! It's nice to see some positivity on here, I'm glad you're doing better! Make sure to know your limits though, draw clear boundaries and don't overexert yourself and such. It's great you wanna help others, but make sure to take care of yourself too <3

Thank you for that!

believe it or not helping others has given me even more energy than before, so I've been doing ok :)

Wishing you a Merry Christmas!

I miss my recovery buddy a lot. My friends believe I could've prevented his death, or done more to prevent it and maybe my pro-choice perspective stopped me from putting in more effort to alleviate his pain... he had already tried therapy and meds and they didn't work, but he would've wanted to live if he thought it was possible to do without suffering. But now I'm agonizing over the fact that I never met up with him before his ctb (he lived close by). There's just so much "what if" for things that I can't change anymore. And it's only after his death that I acknowledge that I felt something strongly for him. Whether I fell for him romantically, thought about him as my savior, or just a really good friendship.

I'm so sorry you lost your friend, that is incredibly difficult.

I've learned with time that when we are experiencing loss there will always be an internal dialogue of what could've been done differently. These are very challenging feelings, but they have a lot to teach us.

As hard as it is, sometimes we have to accept what has been done and move forward, staying mindful of it so that we can grow and act differently in the present.

Again I'm really sorry, if you need someone to talk to you can always message me here, I may be slow to respond but I will do my best.

 

[LivingForTheMoment]

Also you can pm me now! So you're welcome to chat if you need. I may be slow to respond but I'll do my best :)