Help Want to do it tonight but I just CAN’T

[Araya]

I can't imagine not existing, I can't deal with not knowing what will happen after, I can't cope with the fear of dying. But I need to go, I want to go, I have to go. How are people strong enough to overcome SI? I have no standard of life and don't like living inside my head, I hate myself and the crippling mental illnesses that are ruining my life.

Why can't I do it!!!

 

[FuneralCry]

Ctb is very difficult. We are programmed to survive after all, even know we want to die, it goes against our instinct to survive. If it was easier to leave I would already be gone. I believe that in my case, I will eventually get desperate enough to the point that I cannot take anymore of this life and only then will I be able to leave. I'm sorry you are in this situation, life is just so horrible. I am not scared of death itself, it is what I look forward to, I believe there is nothing after this and we will be free of all pain and suffering. Whatever happens, I wish you the best, I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

 

[kkslider]

I completely understand, it is an extremely difficult thing to accomplish. I want nothing more than to disappear, and will spend my days daydreaming about my death… only to stop myself right before the act due to SI. And in that moment, right after I stop, I will experience a renewed desire to live, but the next day comes, and the burden of my existence leads me to plan another attempt. It is an awful cycle.

 

[Araya]

Thank you both, I'm sorry you can understand and I definitely relate to what you're both saying. I just want to get it over with so badly and have ruined my life and left it too far. I wish I could do it.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I can entirely understand what you're going through. Ending our own lives is far more challenging than I ever imagined. Where I live there are a lot of homeless people. And I see the absolutely wretched conditions they are living in. Sleeping outside on a strip of cardboard. Foraging through trash cans for bottles and cans to earn a few dollars to buy a little something to eat. Nowhere to wash off. Or a bathroom to use. Constantly getting robbed or attacked. And yet they persist day after day. In some ways this is what we're up against. This instinct to survive no matter what. Even when there's nothing to live for except for constant excruciating torture.

 

[Araya]

So true, we are not alone in feeling like this and it's the biggest barrier for us all. Thank you for your sympathy, sorry you can understand.