Want to die dont know how and scared

[Gabu1984]

Hello everyone. Im new to this site and hopefully it will provide what Im looking for. To start off with Ill say, Ive never enjoyed being alive and have always wanted to die. I grew up in a house with 2 angry/strict and physically abusive parents. My dad was an absolute nightmare. So Ive always hated being alive. Got educated and found my way through life in my 20s. Had 2 relationships one very good and enjoyable and the other an absolute nightmare.

However, recently I had a business investment thats left me financially ruined and I feel my life is over.

I really want to die but main things Im scared of is how its gonna affect my 2 year old and 4 year old and my mum especially. Also I dont know if my life insurance policies will pay out for suicide. I know it has to be valid for a year the policy.

But also Im also very scared as I dont know how to do it. At my lowest point I wanted to jump infront of a train but non terrifying options are very slim. I guess Im a coward.

So question is, what methods exist that are not as terrifying as jumping off a bridge etc.

At the moment I feel okay but I am now in a place where Im seriously considering ending my life. Its something I always wished for but would never do. However thats changed now.

My marriage in my second relationship was an absolute mistake and sucked the life out of me and thats over too so Ive got nothing left to live for.

Dont feel the love for my children that I should have and thats the only thing and my mum that Im still attached to in this life.

Otherwise, Im absolutely ready to go

 

[orlandom]

My second relationship also just smashed me to pieces.

 

[FuneralCry]

Life really can be cruel to us and can make us suffer so much. It really is hard to die. Basically all methods terrify me, you aren't cowardly for not being able to jump, it is because our brains are wired to survive. I think if I knew of an easy method I wouldn't be here anymore. I wish you the best.

 

[lanax09]

So question is, what methods exist that are not as terrifying as jumping off a bridge etc.

I'd suggest you read the peaceful pill handbook, there's a couple editions of it available on the suicide resources post and an older one from archive.org because the ones uploaded here were a bit blurry and hard to read for me (the nembutal vendors information may be faked on the 2019 one because some free downloads of the pph have been edited by scammers, but the 2021 ones have been verified)

 

[WornOutLife]

Hi and welcome to SS!!
We're here tu support you!

You're certainly going through a lot.

I wish I could help but I'm in a similar situation to yours. I just can't leave this world yet because of my dad. He might really have a heart-attack or stroke once he finds out I'm dead. I can't do that to him.

Thus, I'm trying to give life one more shot but it's very difficult.

There are some days on which I just wanna...give up.

Whatever happens, I wish you lots of love and peace!

Hugs,

Matt

 

[Gabu1984]

Life really can be cruel to us and can make us suffer so much. It really is hard to die. Basically all methods terrify me, you aren't cowardly for not being able to jump, it is because our brains are wired to survive. I think if I knew of an easy method I wouldn't be here anymore. I wish you the best.

Very kind. Thanks

I'd suggest you read the peaceful pill handbook, there's a couple editions of it available on the suicide resources post and an older one from archive.org because the ones uploaded here were a bit blurry and hard to read for me (the nembutal vendors information may be faked on the 2019 one because some free downloads of the pph have been edited by scammers, but the 2021 ones have been verified)

Thanks

Hi and welcome to SS!!
We're here tu support you!

You're certainly going through a lot.

I wish I could help but I'm in a similar situation to yours. I just can't leave this world yet because of my dad. He might really have a heart-attack or stroke once he finds out I'm dead. I can't do that to him.

Thus, I'm trying to give life one more shot but it's very difficult.

There are some days on which I just wanna...give up.

Whatever happens, I wish you lots of love and peace!

Hugs,

Matt

Thanks Matt. Very kind words. Yeah I completely get what youre saying about your dad. The thing Ive learnt in the last few months is that my mum really loves me. She would be destroyed if I killed myself. And my 2 kids are so cute and full of energy. They would be scarred for life. So it means Ive got no way out but the desire to ctb is greater than its ever been. My lifes really gone to shit and I have no hope for the future and Im a really hopeful person. So Im snookered

 

[logan]

I am in a similar situation.
My two children are the most precious and valuable gift.
By making wrong decisions, I have ruined myself and destroyed my family.
Now I can neither live nor die properly.
I just don't have the strength to bear it all and I don't know how to overcome my survival instinct.

 

[Gabu1984]

Hi and welcome to SS!!
We're here tu support you!

You're certainly going through a lot.

I wish I could help but I'm in a similar situation to yours. I just can't leave this world yet because of my dad. He might really have a heart-attack or stroke once he finds out I'm dead. I can't do that to him.

Thus, I'm trying to give life one more shot but it's very difficult.

There are some days on which I just wanna...give up.

Whatever happens, I wish you lots of love and peace!

Hugs,

Matt

Thanks Matt. Very kind words. Yeah I completely get what youre saying about your dad. The thing Ive learnt in the last few months is that my mum really loves me. She would be destroyed if I killed myself. And my 2 kids are so cute and full of energy. They would be scarred for life. So it means Ive got no way out but the desire to ctb is greater than its ever been. My lifes really gone to shit and I have no hope for the future and Im a really hopeful person. So Im snookered

I'd suggest you read the peaceful pill handbook, there's a couple editions of it available on the suicide resources post and an older one from archive.org because the ones uploaded here were a bit blurry and hard to read for me (the nembutal vendors information may be faked on the 2019 one because some free downloads of the pph have been edited by scammers, but the 2021 ones have been verified)

Very helpful. Thank you very much

I am in a similar situation.
My two children are the most precious and valuable gift.
By making wrong decisions, I have ruined myself and destroyed my family.
Now I can neither live nor die properly.
I just don't have the strength to bear it all and I don't know how to overcome my survival instinct.

Completely empathise my friend. I literally did the same. I was living a comfortable life and I just wanted more and now Ive lost it all. And now both living and dying are unbearable options. Hope you find a way out my friend.

 

[logan]

Completely empathise my friend. I literally did the same. I was living a comfortable life and I just wanted more and now Ive lost it all. And now both living and dying are unbearable options. Hope you find a way out my friend.

Thank you, it definitely helps to hear that you are not the only one affected.
The worst thing are the feelings of guilt and self-reproach and that you know that you are responsible for it.
Unfortunately I don't see a way out and at some point I don't have the strength to go on.

 

[Gabu1984]

Thank you, it definitely helps to hear that you are not the only one affected.
The worst thing are the feelings of guilt and self-reproach and that you know that you are responsible for it.
Unfortunately I don't see a way out and at some point I don't have the strength to go on.

I dont see a way out either my friend. This is a life long consequence. Thats how and why Ive found myself here on ss. Ctb is definitely the most desirable option but its just the how. Wish there was an off switch but there really isnt. And as Ive said earlier just horrified about the impact it will have on my children especially and my parents. My mum the most. Just an untenable situation

 

[logan]

I dont see a way out either my friend. This is a life long consequence. Thats how and why Ive found myself here on ss. Ctb is definitely the most desirable option but its just the how. Wish there was an off switch but there really isnt. And as Ive said earlier just horrified about the impact it will have on my children especially and my parents. My mum the most. Just an untenable situation

On the one hand, it is comforting to know that you are not alone in such a hopeless situation. But since you don't wish this situation on anyone, I hope that you might find a way out. How much time do you have left? Is there anything you want to do or experience?

 

[Gabu1984]

On the one hand, it is comforting to know that you are not alone in such a hopeless situation. But since you don't wish this situation on anyone, I hope that you might find a way out. How much time do you have left? Is there anything you want to do o

On the one hand, it is comforting to know that you are not alone in such a hopeless situation. But since you don't wish this situation on anyone, I hope that you might find a way out. How much time do you have left? Is there anything you want to do or experience?

I havent made such concrete plans such that I have a time frame. Im just in a state of desperation. How much time do you have left? Have you made plans? Im so scared and my attachment to my children and my mother is so prohibitive. Im just really hopeless and overwhelmed at the moment

 

[logan]

I havent made such concrete plans such that I have a time frame. Im just in a state of desperation. How much time do you have left? Have you made plans? Im so scared and my attachment to my children and my mother is so prohibitive. Im just really hopeless and overwhelmed at the moment

I have only this week ...
Otherwise, I feel the same as you.
Now only a miracle can help - and these are unfortunately very rare.

If you are not under time pressure then take the time to find help or a solution.

 

[Gabu1984]

I have only this week ...
Otherwise, I feel the same as you.
Now only a miracle can help - and these are unfortunately very rare.

If you are not under time pressure then take the time to find help or a solution.

Are you saying you plan to ctb in the coming week? Whats your situation if you dont mind me asking? Im not under time pressure only because Im such a coward. About a week and a half ago I was really in a place where I seriously considering jumping infront of a train but thats subsided. If I lived in America all this would be much easier for me because I would buy a gun but you cant get a gun here in the UK.

Im definitely more on the side of wanting to be out than in. The feeling and thoughts are with me everyday but I need to leave my affairs more in order than they are now. And I recently took out an insurance policy and it needs to be active for over a year to pay out in the event of a suicide and one is over a year old.

I need to leave money for my parents and children. Thats the only way I can rip.

So if its time maybe I have a year left.

 

[logan]

Are you saying you plan to ctb in the coming week? Whats your situation if you dont mind me asking? Im not under time pressure only because Im such a coward. About a week and a half ago I was really in a place where I seriously considering jumping infront of a train but thats subsided. If I lived in America all this would be much easier for me because I would buy a gun but you cant get a gun here in the UK.

Im definitely more on the side of wanting to be out than in. The feeling and thoughts are with me everyday but I need to leave my affairs more in order than they are now. And I recently took out an insurance policy and it needs to be active for over a year to pay out in the event of a suicide and one is over a year old.

I need to leave money for my parents and children. Thats the only way I can rip.

So if its time maybe I have a year left.

Yes by the end of the week, at the latest by the beginning of next week.
I have delayed it as long as possible because of the children.
That it is so urgent is related to my job and some stress with an authority.

If you still have so much time you might find a way - I would wish it to you with all my heart.

 

[Gabu1984]

Yes by the end of the week, at the latest by the beginning of next week.
I have delayed it as long as possible because of the children.
That it is so urgent is related to my job and some stress with an authority.

If you still have so much time you might find a way - I would wish it to you with all my heart.

Jesus Christ man. Im sorry its come to this and you feel there is no other option. How are you going to do it if you dont mind me asking. Thanks for your kind wishes but I dont know if there is a way out of this for me. Things have really gone against me in a way I never thought would be possible and Ive never been a big fan of life in the 1st place

 

[logan]

Jesus Christ man. Im sorry its come to this and you feel there is no other option. How are you going to do it if you dont mind me asking. Thanks for your kind wishes but I dont know if there is a way out of this for me. Things have really gone against me in a way I never thought would be possible and Ive never been a big fan of life in the 1st place

Yes, I would certainly have wished it differently.
I will try partial hanging - here in Germany it is hard to get other things.
I was a happy and successful person until 3 years ago. And I never thought that I could get into such a situation.
What depresses me the most is that I am responsible for it myself. I think that I have developed a bipolar disorder due to too much stress. And the consequences have brought me into a hopeless situation.

I would also like to know how you got into this bad situation.

 

[DogWalker]

I know the pain of failed investments and business efforts. I've literally had the chance to be a multimillionaire three times. I was one on paper for a while but it all fell apart. It is the fact it happened three times, and each time was destroyed that screws with me so badly. I don't foresee a forth chance happening since it is god damned impossible to even get ONE chance let alone THREE for fucks sake. I grew up middle class'ish, kind of house poor family. My parents, beyond being emotionally supportive, didn't provide anything in the way of financial boost to get these investments and opportunities going. I did it all myself, 'self made' for real, and none of that 'oh my rich family gave me a tiny $500,000 to get started' shit. But it is all gone. Started a dog walker business since I love dogs and I have no snobbery about blue collar work, but that got destroyed also once this COVID bullshit started. I have a good relationship, but in regards to family stuff had a lot of really bad emotional stuff happen in the last 5-10 years. If it wasn't for my wife and feeling bad for her I'd be dead already.

I sympathize for your situation with kids. That would make things so much more complicated for me. At least they are very young. Maybe in the year you say you have to wait for the insurance things might start looking different in life. But as you said... you've always felt this way. Which is another thing I get. I first started not giving a shit about being alive... in grade three... 30 years ago. I just spent life distracting myself with very ambitious things... that then were all destroyed.

 

[Gabu1984]

Yes, I would certainly have wished it differently.
I will try partial hanging - here in Germany it is hard to get other things.
I was a happy and successful person until 3 years ago. And I never thought that I could get into such a situation.
What depresses me the most is that I am responsible for it myself. I think that I have developed a bipolar disorder due to too much stress. And the consequences have brought me into a hopeless situation.

I would also like to know how you got into this bad situation.

We are exactly in the same situation my friend. I was succesful married and 2 beautiful kids driving a nice car and living in a big house with a big garden just 6 months ago. But to cut a long story short I had a bad business investment thats cost me all my money and Im financially ruined. My marriage ended aswell because I became unwell and my wife had had enough. This illness has plagued me for 5 years and it ruined my life. Basically I went to a 10 day silent meditation 5 retreat 5 years ago which at the end triggered psychosis then battled depression for 2 years. Had a relapse a few months ago and my wife had enough. Also covid caused my business investments to collapse. So Ive got no money no wife no home and mountains of debt. I just dont see a way out.

Ive never heard of partial hanging my friend.

But I completely know what you mean when you say you are responsible. I cant get over the fact that I caused this. Had I not gambled with this business venture I would be fine now but how are you supposed to know. We cant see into the future.

I had everything now I have nothing. Its soul crushing my friend

I know the pain of failed investments and business efforts. I've literally had the chance to be a multimillionaire three times. I was one on paper for a while but it all fell apart. It is the fact it happened three times, and each time was destroyed that screws with me so badly. I don't foresee a forth chance happening since it is god damned impossible to even get ONE chance let alone THREE for fucks sake. I grew up middle class'ish, kind of house poor family. My parents, beyond being emotionally supportive, didn't provide anything in the way of financial boost to get these investments and opportunities going. I did it all myself, 'self made' for real, and none of that 'oh my rich family gave me a tiny $500,000 to get started' shit. But it is all gone. Started a dog walker business since I love dogs and I have no snobbery about blue collar work, but that got destroyed also once this COVID bullshit started. I have a good relationship, but in regards to family stuff had a lot of really bad emotional stuff happen in the last 5-10 years. If it wasn't for my wife and feeling bad for her I'd be dead already.

I sympathize for your situation with kids. That would make things so much more complicated for me. At least they are very young. Maybe in the year you say you have to wait for the insurance things might start looking different in life. But as you said... you've always felt this way. Which is another thing I get. I first started not giving a shit about being alive... in grade three... 30 years ago. I just spent life distracting myself with very ambitious things... that then were all destroyed.

That must be tough man. 3 times. Its hard enough me dealing with this one missed opportunity. But it seems youve got the skill for it if youve built yourself up again 3 times and then started this dog walking business. Covid has been a real killer. I imagine there will be scores of people reeling financially from its effects. But as you say theres also the general discontentment with life.

My mid 20s were really good and for once life felt worth it amd things were on the up. I was making a lot of money and very optimistic about the future but I met the wrong person and that messed things up but I find myself where I am. Dont know if its salvageable.

Do you feel your situation is salvageable?

 

[Gabu1984]

I have only this week ...
Otherwise, I feel the same as you.
Now only a miracle can help - and these are unfortunately very rare.

If you are not under time pressure then take the time to find help or a solution.

Praying for a miracle for you!!

 

[logan]

Praying for a miracle for you!!

thank you so much. Send you a PM.