Want to CTB

[NumbCat]

I want to CTB, but I just made a roommate commitment for 15 months. I mess up and reach out to people and form more and more friendships and connections. It seems like everyone wants me to live but me. My roommate needed to save money so we got a place together. She'll be here Saturday. I can't believe I have to wait 15 months to do anything. Has anyone ever experienced this feeling? The only reason I'm here is because of other people, but that's also why if anyone is ever mean or disrespectful towards me I get so angry. I can't really take being alive much longer. I've lost a lot in my life, and I'm tired of hurting. I left my ex boyfriend and now I regret it. He still responds to my messages but hasn't responded to the last one I sent two days ago. It said: I miss you.

It makes me want to just go now. Its unethical for me to be in a relationship or friendship with anyone. I'm so fucked up. I am sick of existing. Sometimes I want to just run my car into traffic but I don't want to hurt others, so I don't. Every time I think of CTB, I think about how I don't want to hurt others, and I can't do it. 2023 is not my year to go, but maybe 2024 will be.

 

[Worndown]

You have a lot going on. Can the new roommate help you get through the next year? It is possible your ex has moved on. I am sorry you have to deal with this.

 

[FuneralCry]

That does sound like such a difficult and frustrating situation to be in, when you wish to leave yet you feel trapped here because of others. It really is understandable and makes a lot of sense wishing to be from this world, as having to continue existing really can be both so tiring and awful. But I hope that eventually you find the freedom that you wish for.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yeah- life is so difficult. If you feel like you have to go on- for any reason- or- if you manage to get yourself in a situation where you feel obliged to go on- how on earth do you do that without making more connections? (If you have to work or study that is- if you're able to remain a recluse, you might be ok.)

I feel like I have to keep going for my Dad. I also need to find a more stable form of employment though- which will likely mean new relationships and new commitments. Up till now- I've actually been in a better place (if it weren't for my Dad) to CTB. I've been so isolated. I REALLY get where you are coming from.

Still- I reckon we all have a breaking point- where- no matter the aftermath, we simply take it anymore. I guess we'll either reach that point, or not and we'll just keep plodding on. I'm sorry you feel like you've backed yourself into a corner. I do sympathise.

 

[jessisme]

If you are successful in your attempt it wouldn't matter anyway so why let this sense of responsibility hold you back?