Want to CTB tomorrow advice on method?

[rinkachan]

Hi everyone. Over the years chronic illnesses I can't even get diagnosed in the country I live in have slowly destroyed my life. If I could get back to my country it might have been better but that's impossible now. I have a massive stockpile of Bennies, Xannies, this pill for nerve pain that the last time I looked it up is a huge risk to cause your stomach to actually rupture, an opiod+tendinits pain pill for my illnesses, topamax, and access to a ton of alcohol. Illness has ruined my life, my marriage, (we agreed to separate years ago and that at most we are best friends), taken away my hopes and dreams, my chances to go back to my country, health, I live in excruciating pain and a ton of other symptoms every day. It's so bad Dignitas approved me, but doctors here won't write the letters I need and my husband won't pay for the money needed for it, and I'm too sick to work. That just means I need to do it myself.

The question is whether to swallow it all and then tape several layers of plastic bags around my head, or attempt a partial suspension? I've attempted the second one several times but it just never seems to work. I've looked at the threads on here and while I think I finally found a good anchor point, (Japanese houses seem to be built in mind to have low door knobs to avoid these situations, probably because they are the second or third highest rate country in the world), using the metal door latch at the top of the door. I'm a pretty small woman, so my biggest issue is finding something tall enough to tie one of my husband's neckties to it.

I've attempted to CTB with ODs and was nearly successful twice before, so it's a little funny my doctor is still more than happy to prescribe me a ton of medication, and isn't that concerned. He just sort of shrugs and says it's a no-no, don't do that, would I feel better if I stayed in-patient for awhile, and then tells my husband he feels sorry for him.

Is there a better way than suffocation or partial suspension? I don't have somewhere to jump from and if you jump in front of a train line in Asia they bill your family for the disruption to any train lines and for clean up. We don't have a lot of money thanks to my medical bills and he will already have enough money to pay with my cremation costs. Could I even combine taping bags around my head while doing partial suspension after I took the pills, and swallowed them down with alcohol? I'm desperate. So very desperate. I will do anything.

 

[NegevChina]

So sorry for how you feel and where life brought you. CTB needs planning in order to succeed and one day is a very short notice. Any quick decision is most likely going to fail. You can read about it here
https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/suicide-resource-compilation.3/

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you have to go through this. There's the Suicide Resource Compilation.

 

[CatLvr]

My gosh, that sounds so awful. There is nothing worse than feeling cornered and out of options. It is also the time where we tend to make our worst mistakes. Know that we are all here for you. I realize you want to go, and especially understand you wanting to go because of your unrelenting physical pain (as if the mental pain in and itself isn't bad enough), but please make sure you have everything you need to maximize your chances of not failing -- whether that means knowledge about the method you've chosen, medications/drugs/ poisons/rope/secure place to attach said ropes/etc.

I wish you peace no matter what you decide going ahead, and how things work out.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's so cruel to me how there's all this suffering in existing, I hope that you find the freedom you are searching for.

 

[TheHolySword]

I'm so sorry you are suffering so much. I hope you can find the peace you need one day

 

[rinkachan]

Thank you, everyone. I suppose I'll put things off for a week a do a bit more research. I can't fail again. I've been stockpiling medication for a while and I don't want to waste it. It's not extremely difficult to get my doctor to change or add prescriptions, it's just that I have to wait a month between appointments and that means another month of suffering daily horrible pain. Colder months are always worse too, and it's winter now. There have been days I've had to lie in bed at home alone unable to move, actually screaming and crying in pain. There isn't any cure and my doctor has said literally the only option left is in patient at a hospital setting on opioids. I don't want to live like a science experiment hooked up to tubes and wires every single day. I want to be back in MY country. Not cut off from my friends.

Any time I brought it up to my husband the fights can even turn violent. Usually just yelling and stuff, so don't worry too much about it. It's mostly my fault because I blame him too much when I know me being sick is the cause of 80% of our problems. I wish I had taken my government's option to be flown out for free during Fukushima, for free, but oh well. I'll go research now.

Thank you so much for everyone's kindness and compassion. I just want to do this. My left arm is already in so much pain and so weak it's hard to use. I have gastroparesis so my stomach and intestines have a hard time absorbing nutrients and working well. My body is attacking itself and slowly, painfully attacking its own organ systems. I'll die, eventually, but it won't be quick, or with any sort of dignity at all. I want this to be on my own terms while I still have some control and say left. If any of that makes sense? I don't want to linger and wait around in agony, physically and mentally, for anyone else's sake. I'm truly not enjoying being here at all. I used to be this embarrassingly MASSIVE BTS ARMY and enjoyed some anime and games. Now I feel just numb. There's nothing inside of me. My husband claims I'm selfish as hell. Am I?

My gosh, that sounds so awful. There is nothing worse than feeling cornered and out of options. It is also the time where we tend to make our worst mistakes. Know that we are all here for you. I realize you want to go, and especially understand you wanting to go because of your unrelenting physical pain (as if the mental pain in and itself isn't bad enough), but please make sure you have everything you need to maximize your chances of not failing -- whether that means knowledge about the method you've chosen, medications/drugs/ poisons/rope/secure place to attach said ropes/etc.

I wish you peace no matter what you decide going ahead, and how things work out.

Just wanted to say I love your name. My best friend here was my cat. She passed away last year. I miss her so much. Cats are my favorite animal. Sometimes I go watch cat videos or look at cats for comfort. They are amazing.

 

[CatLvr]

No, you are absolutely NOT being selfish. Being selfish is expecting someone to stay on this side no matter how much pain they are in or how poor their quality of life is when they have no hope of improving. THAT is selfish.