Want to CTB, don't want to leave my loved ones with pain

[gillie]

I love my wife, and I love my mother. I care about them very much, but I feel like not wanting to hurt them is the only thing that keeps me alive. I have acquired meto and SN, and I could leave, but I don't want to hurt them, but I don't want to be alive. I don't really know what to do, I feel hopeless every day, and overwhelmed by the simplest things. I just know how much losing someone in this way can hurt. I lost a friend to ctb over a decade ago, and as much as I miss them, I'm also deeply jealous of their peace. Does anyone else feel this way, does anyone have any advice for me?

 

[jodes2]

Same, my dad and gf. Sorry you lost a friend to CTB, I don't even have that experience and still find it hard leaving people behind. I'm also jealous of the peace people who CTB'd must have. My only advice is talk to them about how you feel, and your plans, so you won't be leaving them with such a shock, they might be able to get things off their chest that ease future greiving like coming to the understanding that you're suffering and will be in a better place

 

[FuneralCry]

I would personally write notes to those left behind to give them some closure and understanding as to why you chose to do this. If there was no note then those left behind would be left with unanswered questions. It does sound like a difficult situation to be in, but I understand wanting to be at peace. I know that it's so dreadful being trapped in a life that is just constant suffering. Best wishes.

 

[gillie]

Thanks for the advice folks. I've already written up a few notes, one for my mom, one for my wife, and one for anyone else. I don't think I can tell them about my plans, I'm pretty sure that would just make them try to talk me out of it, or beat themselves up for not being able to stop me.

 

[flightless bird]

Notes won't help. If they love you, they will blame themselves and go through hell.

I have been there myself. So much has happened but all I can say is that the pain I experienced that day and the following years is untold...

 

[Blue_mist]

You are worried about leaving them with pain, the main question is do they feel what you are going through and the pain inside you?

 

[gillie]

I've tried to let them know how much life hurts, how much I think it sucks to be alive, but I don't know if they feel it.

 

[Lily (Osako)]

Sweetheart, it won't matter what you do; leave notes, a video, hell even talk to them beforehand and cry it out together, it's still going to leave them with pain. That's a natural element of love.
We do our best to lessen that pain, to ease it in any way possible. But in the end, they will hurt, they will mourn. They will go through the stages of grief.
There's nothing we can do to prevent it.
I'm so sorry. It's one of the burdens we have to carry when we make this decision.
All you can do is what you think will soften it the most. And only you can decide what that will be because you are the only one who knows them and understands your connection with them.
I'm so sorry this has to be so painful for everyone. I wish I could make it easier for us all.
Big hugs.

 

[AlePizarnik]

I love my wife, and I love my mother. I care about them very much, but I feel like not wanting to hurt them is the only thing that keeps me alive. I have acquired meto and SN, and I could leave, but I don't want to hurt them, but I don't want to be alive. I don't really know what to do, I feel hopeless every day, and overwhelmed by the simplest things. I just know how much losing someone in this way can hurt. I lost a friend to ctb over a decade ago, and as much as I miss them, I'm also deeply jealous of their peace. Does anyone else feel this way, does anyone have any advice for me?

I don't have any loved ones and I'm still here because I am a coward

 

[eternapeace]

While you can't completely avoid leaving them with pain, at least if you write a note they won't have the pain of not knowing why you ctb.

 

[gillie]

I was planning on going tonight. I keep bouncing between feeling terrible about how ctb will hurt them and feeling terrible about being trapped in this awful world. I don't know what to do, it just feels like I cant win.

Thank you all for your thoughts, and Osako specifically for their kind words.

 

[tipsytiger]

Hi, it's the same for me. I tried to CTB but still afraid of what it will do to my mom because I know she love me so much. I personally don't care about anyone but the thoughts of my mom keeps me from CTB.

 

[theboy]

The same happens to me. I guess one shouldn't suffer for others... it hurts to leave someone behind for doing CTB

 

[Everlong]

Sweetheart, it won't matter what you do; leave notes, a video, hell even talk to them beforehand and cry it out together, it's still going to leave them with pain. That's a natural element of love.
We do our best to lessen that pain, to ease it in any way possible. But in the end, they will hurt, they will mourn. They will go through the stages of grief.
There's nothing we can do to prevent it.
I'm so sorry. It's one of the burdens we have to carry when we make this decision.
All you can do is what you think will soften it the most. And only you can decide what that will be because you are the only one who knows them and understands your connection with them.
I'm so sorry this has to be so painful for everyone. I wish I could make it easier for us all.
Big hugs.

God, how I wish you were wrong! But you're absolutely right. I wake up with a jolt frequently when I suddenly imagine them after I'm gone and they're grieving. I nurse that thought with imagining how frustrated, sad, angry and perplexed they are at my fucked up life choices that I don't even understand. I hope they find understanding from my letters, but that's a pipe dream. They'll hurt.
I've wondered if taking SN and rolling off a kayak when it puts me out might look like a drowning. I don't know how much they'll dig forensically if I'm bobbing in the lake with fishing gear in the kayak. Pick your poison; this life is pain.

 

[Cronetappingout]

God, how I wish you were wrong! But you're absolutely right. I wake up with a jolt frequently when I suddenly imagine them after I'm gone and they're grieving. I nurse that thought with imagining how frustrated, sad, angry and perplexed they are at my fucked up life choices that I don't even understand. I hope they find understanding from my letters, but that's a pipe dream. They'll hurt.
I've wondered if taking SN and rolling off a kayak when it puts me out might look like a drowning. I don't know how much they'll dig forensically if I'm bobbing in the lake with fishing gear in the kayak. Pick your poison; this life is pain.

They will still do an autopsy to find out what happened.

 

[Everlong]

They will still do an autopsy to find out what happened.

Do you think it will/could look like a drowning? I'm thinking as I'm on my way to Neverland from the SN taking effect I will roll out of the kayak and take a deep breath in the water. They say you can drown with the tiniest bit of water in your lungs when you throat closes up. So a deep breath, the SN is the culprit but they see water in the lungs…bada-bing bada-boom, he drowned. It's wishful thinking. I don't know how obvious SN poisoning is if they aren't looking for it. Who knows…fuck this place. I'm taking my Legos and I'm going home.

 

[Cronetappingout]

Do you think it will/could look like a drowning? I'm thinking as I'm on my way to Neverland from the SN taking effect I will roll out of the kayak and take a deep breath in the water. They say you can drown with the tiniest bit of water in your lungs when you throat closes up. So a deep breath, the SN is the culprit but they see water in the lungs…bada-bing bada-boom, he drowned. It's wishful thinking. I don't know how obvious SN poisoning is if they aren't looking for it. Who knows…fuck this place. I'm taking my Legos and I'm going home.

They will check for booze or drugs and find the sn.

 

[gillie]

I've been fasting, and stopped drinking water. In half an hour, it will be time to take the ibuprofen according to Stan's guide. I'm still not sure if I'm going to ctb tonight. This is the best chance I'll have for a while, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to hurt my loved ones yet. Regardless, thanks for sharing in my thoughts and sharing your own.

 

[tipsytiger]

I've been fasting, and stopped drinking water. In half an hour, it will be time to take the ibuprofen according to Stan's guide. I'm still not sure if I'm going to ctb tonight. This is the best chance I'll have for a while, but I'm not sure if I'm ready to hurt my loved ones yet. Regardless, thanks for sharing in my thoughts and sharing your own.

whatever you're going to decide I hope you found peace my brother.

 

[gillie]

I wasn't able to go through with it last night. I just wanted to update you all. I hope you find peace in your own way.

 

[blackwidow]

from what I've learnt and read in here off some of the long stay people.. I've come to realise that the people who actually do CTB have gone to the darkest place within their being that we don't understand or haven't got there yet, as wer still here.. I believe that place they've arrived at is simply unimaginable.. reality and thoughts of loved ones and leaving life and them behind has diminished totally.. they are not selfish in what they've done, but the darkness has consumed them and nothing will stop them.. I thi k when you get to that place it's then that nothing matters and you can make your choices.. very sad

 

[Lauriso]

I think recording a video that someone here mentioned is a good idea.

 

[AnxietyHangover]

I am in the same boat, me leaving this world would probably give my mom a heart attack, which I don't want to happen, but I feel like I'm going to do it anyway considering how fast my mental state is degrading from day to day. We are very close and her heart can be problematic. As with everything in my life, nothing is easy. I don't know... I will probably reach a state where my mind is gone and it's just going to happen.

 

[ForbiddenSiren]

Im in a very similar situation. I dont want to hurt my loved ones by doing it. But I have become beyond empty. My best friend also killed himself, so I know how messed up it is being on the other end of that like you also. Its a really tricky situation to be in. I dont really have any advice, but maybe to some degree knowing you are not alone in how you feel will somehow help. I wish you the best 🖒

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Is there any way do you think you can find a way to continue to live besides just hanging on for them?