Venting Want to CTB but feeling bad for my mom

[attackingvertical]

Exactly what the title says. I've had depression/anxiety since middle school, and thoughts of CTB since 13 (I'm 22 now). I made a couple rather stupid attempts. Something's always holding me back though, even at my worst. My mom has always been such a wonderful, caring person. Of course there's things we disagree on, but she's always done her absolute best for me. She adopted me at birth.

I know if I ever did CTB, it'd break her heart. In middle school my great aunt (her aunt) committed, and it was rough. Eventually she was able to cope with it and live normally, but I saw first hand how a death like that can affect those around them. I felt it.

The thought of putting her through that again makes me ache, but I don't know how much longer I can hold out. Sometimes I want to say awful things to make her hate me, or I want to run away and cut off all communication. I don't think it'd make it any easier for her though. When my grandmother got diagnosed with cancer 2 years ago, her and my dad had a slightly easier time coping with her death since they had time to come to terms with the inevitable before it occured. I wish it could be like that with me. Maybe then she wouldn't be as sad.

 

[getoutgirl]

Same. The one reason I've stayed alive and backed out so many times is cos I'm a guilt ridden creature that cannot bear to cause loved ones harm. And I know killing myself would be up there in the worst most profound forms of pain i could inflict on them so... as much as I've only wanted that for years, can't :(

Sometimes I want to say awful things to make her hate me, or I want to run away and cut off all communication.

This I thought also, but I don't think it would work. I managed with all my irl friends, almost two years they don't see me and I ghosted them all, acting like a general bitch. They don't write any more, hopefuly they'll stop caring too, or that was the plan. Not sure where I'm at rn in terms of dying or not, not for now, but it took time to ensure all that lack of contact so I'm maintaining it in case...
for family though... yeah it's harder. I agree it wouldn't make it any easier for them or your mother in this case.
I've considered in lenght faking running away, leaving letters saying I've found love or a job far away and I simply need to leave everything behind, start anew, thanking them and stating i'm sorry but I will be happy out there living my best life. Then dig a hole. That way, if I fake it good, they might not grieve as much, they might think i'm fine out there if with a bit of sadness. Will the uncertainty still be awful? yes. Would it that pain reduction be enough to overpower my guilt over it? Don't think so. Does my history make any of that easy to fake or believable? Nope, doubt they'll take that... but desperation , care, and imposibility to fulfill an urge of death + time make you cling to those fantasies I guess...

Excuse the rant. This is all to say I feel u, I relate immensely. you clearly love her a lot. i'm sorry you have that paradox of an anchor tying u here. I wish in time you stop seeing it as such, in the good sense, and you can actually enjoy and love such a caring mother without any of this disturbing your thoughts daily. I can only wish that for u. Big hugs <33

 

[bgh3192]

I feel you a lot on this. I haven't CTB b/c what heartache it would cause both of my parents. It would destroy them, especially my mom, in their golden years. My pain and suffering, so far, hasn't outweighed my desire to keep them free of the pain my death would cause, but I have been very close. Some here will probably disagree, but I believe that some suffering can be noble. Staying alive, enduring my suffering, to keep someone else from suffering, is noble IMO. I have a pretty solid CTB plan but as long as I am able I will hold on for them. It's a paradox to relieve our suffering, we may cause others to suffer.
We all have our reasons for wanting to go and at the same time have reasons to stay. I have a dog to whom I am the World. I stay for him too. In this cruel world, being loved by another, such as your mom, is a good reason to stick around.
Wishing you the best!

 

[whybother2002]

I relate so much to everyone in this thread. Fuck life.

 

[MicahBell]

Exactly what the title says. I've had depression/anxiety since middle school, and thoughts of CTB since 13 (I'm 22 now). I made a couple rather stupid attempts. Something's always holding me back though, even at my worst. My mom has always been such a wonderful, caring person. Of course there's things we disagree on, but she's always done her absolute best for me. She adopted me at birth.

I know if I ever did CTB, it'd break her heart. In middle school my great aunt (her aunt) committed, and it was rough. Eventually she was able to cope with it and live normally, but I saw first hand how a death like that can affect those around them. I felt it.

The thought of putting her through that again makes me ache, but I don't know how much longer I can hold out. Sometimes I want to say awful things to make her hate me, or I want to run away and cut off all communication. I don't think it'd make it any easier for her though. When my grandmother got diagnosed with cancer 2 years ago, her and my dad had a slightly easier time coping with her death since they had time to come to terms with the inevitable before it occured. I wish it could be like that with me. Maybe then she wouldn't be as sad.

i relate to this a lot. im coming to terms with the juxtaposition that i can love my family, and not owe them anything, because i never consented to being born. im trying to be kinder to them and make the most of our time together, and trying to unlearn the idea that leaving them via ctb is a moral failure.

 

[attackingvertical]

Excuse the rant. This is all to say I feel u, I relate immensely. you clearly love her a lot. i'm sorry you have that paradox of an anchor tying u here. I wish in time you stop seeing it as such, in the good sense, and you can actually enjoy and love such a caring mother without any of this disturbing your thoughts daily. I can only wish that for u. Big hugs <33

You're fine, the whole reason I signed up for this forum was to meet likeminded people. It's refreshing to talk to someone who really gets it. I hope it gets better too. I love her a lot. With how out of control life feels, I worry some day the urge to CTB will get the better of me despite how guilty I'd feel about my mom.