Want to ctb because of chronic illness

[Fuzzy94]

Hi. Just joined this site. I'm young, live in the UK, and have a horrible chronic illness that has no cure. (But the illness is only fatal in a very tiny number of cases). I am suffering so much every day and just want it to be over as soon as possible. I have almost zero quality of life.

Thing is, I don't actually want to die. I want to live, but without this illness. Problem is that that isn't an option! But the "I want to live" keeps kicking in even though I want to die when it's a choice between life with this illness or death.

Yesterday I tried to ctb. Had a plan involving tying a bag over my head. Unfortunately after a couple minutes (I am just guessing how long it was), my "survival instinct" or something got too strong and I ripped the bag off. I have realised now that it is probably a good thing that I ripped the bag off when I did, because that method has a large failure rate and so if I hadn't stopped there's a high chance I would have ended up with brain damage.

At the moment I am feeling repulsed by the idea of killing myself, even though I really want to go. I think it's the conditioning we receive growing up of "don't do dangerous things".

Also the problem is that it is difficult for me to find a good method. Due to my illness I am housebound. I live with my parents and sister who look after me. I can't go out to buy any equipment. I can't order any equipment either without arousing suspicion. I don't have access to a car or any great heights. Also tricky to find a time to do it since I can't leave house. Have to find a time when all three of them are out. This happens from time to time, but not sure when the next opportunity will be.

Gosh i'm so frustrated! I just want to go and wish it was simple!
Oh I forgot to say. I am considering the "night night" method or the shallow water blackout method or possibly the tourniquet method. But I need to do more research. Especially into reliability. Open to suggestions of other methods though.

 

[Redrock]

In your situation I think the tourniquet method is a good choice. You need only a stocking, a stick/strong spoon and a keyholder to secure the stick after you rotated (or just use a tourniquet)
night night is same as the tourniquet method just with other items.

 

[Escaper Boy]

I am really sorry to hear your story. I wish the world is kind enough to be at least bearable for us all. You seem struggling with conflicting feelings about your life. As someone who don't have chronic illness, I couldn't imagine how difficult it must be for you to cope on daily basis.

I wish there are any magic words I can say that able to miraculously fix everything. But, I have none. I won't pretend otherwise. I can only hope you can get the solution you were craving for as quickly as possible, whatever it might be.

 

[Jolene40]

I know how you feel. I am youngish and am physically very unwell. I have zero quality of life, i can't even eat food anymore. No life at all.
It is so hard. Its not easy to end it all it seems. Is Dignitas an option?
I hope you find some respite or a way out

 

[Fuzzy94]

In your situation I think the tourniquet method is a good choice. You need only a stocking, a stick/strong spoon and a keyholder to secure the stick after you rotated (or just use a tourniquet)
night night is same as the tourniquet method just with other items.

Thank you. Why would that be better than shallow water blackout?

I know how you feel. I am youngish and am physically very unwell. I have zero quality of life, i can't even eat food anymore. No life at all.
It is so hard. Its not easy to end it all it seems. Is Dignitas an option?
I hope you find some respite or a way out

I'm not sure. Dignitas is pretty expensive isn't it? And I doubt I'd be able to get the necessary paperwork from doctors. And I think if I tried to do dignitas then all my family and friends would try to convince me otherwise .

 

[Fuzzy94]

Hi all. Just to let you know I'm not dead or anything. I'm currently trying to decide whether or not to try to kill myself. If you don't hear from me again, that'll mean I decided not to try to kill myself. If I decide to try to kill myself, you will almost certainly hear from me again as I'll need to use this forum to research methods.

 

[TAW122]

Ok I wish you the best of luck @Fuzzy94 in whatever decision you decide to make (whether you decide to live or ctb). I hope you are able to be at peace soon.

 

[Jolene40]

Thank you. Why would that be better than shallow water blackout?


I'm not sure. Dignitas is pretty expensive isn't it? And I doubt I'd be able to get the necessary paperwork from doctors. And I think if I tried to do dignitas then all my family and friends would try to convince me otherwise .

Yes its expensive and i couldnt afford it so i can only hope they will take pity and give me a concession.
It f***s me off so much that people are not allowed assistance if they so desperately wish to end things. I will never understand this obsession with saving people.

 

[silentsinger]

I just feel for you so much. In a way to answer your question, yes, but other factors too.

I'm so sorry that you are in a similar situation, desperate to end the pain but it is hard isn't it?

All I can do is send you my love and support and to say that I really do empathise with your predicament. Lots of love.