TheFool
Member
- Oct 19, 2018
- 83
Alright, so obviously it's not the only thing that's ever happening in my mind, but it is the default position when I'm not deeply distracted by something else, and I can only assume it's constantly running in the background too, because it even comes out in my dreams: my life sucks, everyone sucks, they only like me because they feel bad for me, if i act normal they won't feel bad anymore and will start avoiding me, so i just have to keep being pathetic, which is easy because I already am pathetic, but they don't like me anyway so fuck them, god why am i such a piece of shit that hates everyone, i should just kill myself, people will be sad but it'd their fault anyway, maybe they should have cared about me more, even when people do act like they care its just condescending so they can feel better about themselves anyway, their sadness is just manipulative and fake, i know that's not true, i could probably be happy if i wasn't such a dramatic little bitch, i just need to try harder, i know i could, i'm pretty much smarter than everyone i know, but i don't use it because i'm a piece of shit, actually that's because my family fucked me up, so it's their fault not mine, they should be paying for my treatment now, but of course they didn't mean it, they're just stupid and probably had fucked up parents themselves, so i guess it is my fault for hating them, i'm just making excuses for myself to be a piece of shit, stupid fucking idiot, you know people like you, why can't you just stop being weird about everything and just talk to them like a human being, oh because you were fucked up and probably molested as a little kid by your pedophile step dad, no you weren't you whiny fuck, you just want to feel even more fucked up so you can convince people to feel bad for you, this is why no girl will ever love you you fucking pussy, on and on and on and on
So there you go. Pretty fucking crazy right? Except I know I'm not special, plenty of people have a similar thing going on or something even worse, so why should I be posting something cringey like this on the internet instead of doing something useful with my time, on and on and on. Most of the time when I think about suicide (which is on average countless times daily since I first had the thought about 5 or 6 years ago), it's just a visceral reaction to this shit going on in my head, not a logical thought process. It varies, but it's always a vivid image of me violently destroying my brain somehow, like shooting myself, plunging a long sharp object deep into my eye socket, or even just bludgeoning myself in the back of the skull with a blunt object (which would probably be impossible to actually kill myself doing given the awkward angle, but that's the image that plays in my mind for some reason, lol).
I assume some of you here can relate to some degree, but I imagine psychologically healthy people would probably think I'm exaggerating. Even I find it hard to believe when I write it down. Like, could that really be how I've been living my life for all these years? How do I even do anything? Well mostly I use drugs and all sorts of distractions. Video games, music, podcasts, porn, YouTube and TV shows, etc. I avoid people and I have weird tics like shaking my head, as if that's gonna throw the thoughts out of my head or something. I also get super pissed off, like this stuff just builds up and then the tiniest thing that shouldn't upset me becomes the object of all my negative energy, like my supervisor giving me an attendance point for leaving early when I didn't know that I was supposed to stay that day. He was totally reasonable about it and just reminded me that I'm supposed to see a supervisor before I leave regardless, which is true. But I basically threw a two-week-long tantrum at work where I called the supervisor over for every little thing that I didn't understand, because if this asshole is gonna punish me for a simple miscommunication, I guess I'd better make sure he explains everything to me like I'm 5 so this never happens again. I just want to be a good worker and follow the rules to the utmost, after all. It wasn't just the supervisor either, I did the same thing to a lot of my coworkers. One of them seemed close to punching me at one point because I was getting in his face telling him he's a fucking liar about something stupid (even then I knew it was probably an honest mistake and not a lie) and I didn't care at all. Thing is, I was totally aware of the absurdity of what I was doing the whole time. My inner monologue was saying, "dude, what the fuck are you doing? stop. fucking stop you idiot. you're making an ass of yourself." I couldn't help it. Stupid, I know. I apologized to him after, but it was a pretty shitty apology, and I didn't apologize to anyone else.
Well, that's all I have to say for now.
So there you go. Pretty fucking crazy right? Except I know I'm not special, plenty of people have a similar thing going on or something even worse, so why should I be posting something cringey like this on the internet instead of doing something useful with my time, on and on and on. Most of the time when I think about suicide (which is on average countless times daily since I first had the thought about 5 or 6 years ago), it's just a visceral reaction to this shit going on in my head, not a logical thought process. It varies, but it's always a vivid image of me violently destroying my brain somehow, like shooting myself, plunging a long sharp object deep into my eye socket, or even just bludgeoning myself in the back of the skull with a blunt object (which would probably be impossible to actually kill myself doing given the awkward angle, but that's the image that plays in my mind for some reason, lol).
I assume some of you here can relate to some degree, but I imagine psychologically healthy people would probably think I'm exaggerating. Even I find it hard to believe when I write it down. Like, could that really be how I've been living my life for all these years? How do I even do anything? Well mostly I use drugs and all sorts of distractions. Video games, music, podcasts, porn, YouTube and TV shows, etc. I avoid people and I have weird tics like shaking my head, as if that's gonna throw the thoughts out of my head or something. I also get super pissed off, like this stuff just builds up and then the tiniest thing that shouldn't upset me becomes the object of all my negative energy, like my supervisor giving me an attendance point for leaving early when I didn't know that I was supposed to stay that day. He was totally reasonable about it and just reminded me that I'm supposed to see a supervisor before I leave regardless, which is true. But I basically threw a two-week-long tantrum at work where I called the supervisor over for every little thing that I didn't understand, because if this asshole is gonna punish me for a simple miscommunication, I guess I'd better make sure he explains everything to me like I'm 5 so this never happens again. I just want to be a good worker and follow the rules to the utmost, after all. It wasn't just the supervisor either, I did the same thing to a lot of my coworkers. One of them seemed close to punching me at one point because I was getting in his face telling him he's a fucking liar about something stupid (even then I knew it was probably an honest mistake and not a lie) and I didn't care at all. Thing is, I was totally aware of the absurdity of what I was doing the whole time. My inner monologue was saying, "dude, what the fuck are you doing? stop. fucking stop you idiot. you're making an ass of yourself." I couldn't help it. Stupid, I know. I apologized to him after, but it was a pretty shitty apology, and I didn't apologize to anyone else.
Well, that's all I have to say for now.
