I first started wanting to CTB when i was 12. I'm 30 now, and in the time since I've faced abusive relationships, sexual assaults, rejection (initially) from my family for being a lesbian, domestic violence from alcoholic family members and more. All this gave me PTSD, panic attacks, & worsened my depression + other mental illnesses. The stress led me to develop chronic fatigue & recurring shingles which caused permanent nerve damage & constant pain.
I finally crawled my way out of my hometown into a job that pays a living wage. But working 8-5 for five days/ week is killing me. My bosses exploit me at best and actively bully/psychologically torture me at worst. It's not just me— my favorite coworker has been on mental health leave bc of the toxic work environment.
Meanwhile, my parents are aging (mid 60s to early 70s) & I can't accept it. I was raised catholic but lost my faith around the same time I started to get depressed as a kid. I never learned how to cope with death or loss because I was taught that I'd see my loved ones again in heaven, & I haven't believed that for a long time. I saw my uncle die in front of my face of cancer, then my Grandma and my Grandpa (who I took care of bc he had dementia) died all in the span of 1.5 years. Now my mom has cancer too, and my dad has heart failure, kidney disease, & COPD.
I can't bear losing more of my loved ones. I still have resentments towards my parents, but it's overshadowed by love of them and a desire to spend as much time as I can with them now that our relationships have improved. I also wanna be there for the few friends I have, who are also tempted to CTB.
But the constant grind of work wears my soul down to a nub. I have no time or energy for anything else, like hobbies. My work feels pointless at best & harmful at worst bc I feel like I'm not able to really help people like I want to or be a true artist like I've always dreamed. I have no one in my life that I feel I can truly open up to. I have no time to see anyone and they're all just as burnt out as me when I do. I always wanted a family of my own, but I feel I'm too damaged to ever do it, plus it feels financially impossible and the future seems to only hold despair as climate change ravages the planet and politicians work to strip me of my rights daily.
I have constant thoughts of wanting to CTB. I think I have the means— some leftover painkillers from a recent jaw surgery. It was actually a revision— the first surgeon botched me and I got an infection. He refused to admit there was a problem so I spent a year in agony with my bones rotting until I finally found another surgeon who'd listen to me & got the necrotic bone tissue removed. My face will never look the same & I'll need a 3rd surgery to get it fixed. It feels hopeless & I dread having to go through the whole ordeal of healing again.
TL;DR: I'm 125lbs. I have no opiod tolerance. I've been wondering if I take a cocktail of xanax (2mg), klonopin (1mg) oxycodone (40mg), and pregabalin (150mg) if it would be fatal? I have vodka too, and benadryl to help with nausea and further depress my CNS. I'm afraid of not succeeding if I try to CTB and instead winding up a vegetable. I'm also afraid that if I fail and dont wind up a vegetable, I'll never be able to get prescribed these medications again even though I actually have had legitimate need for them.
I finally crawled my way out of my hometown into a job that pays a living wage. But working 8-5 for five days/ week is killing me. My bosses exploit me at best and actively bully/psychologically torture me at worst. It's not just me— my favorite coworker has been on mental health leave bc of the toxic work environment.
Meanwhile, my parents are aging (mid 60s to early 70s) & I can't accept it. I was raised catholic but lost my faith around the same time I started to get depressed as a kid. I never learned how to cope with death or loss because I was taught that I'd see my loved ones again in heaven, & I haven't believed that for a long time. I saw my uncle die in front of my face of cancer, then my Grandma and my Grandpa (who I took care of bc he had dementia) died all in the span of 1.5 years. Now my mom has cancer too, and my dad has heart failure, kidney disease, & COPD.
I can't bear losing more of my loved ones. I still have resentments towards my parents, but it's overshadowed by love of them and a desire to spend as much time as I can with them now that our relationships have improved. I also wanna be there for the few friends I have, who are also tempted to CTB.
But the constant grind of work wears my soul down to a nub. I have no time or energy for anything else, like hobbies. My work feels pointless at best & harmful at worst bc I feel like I'm not able to really help people like I want to or be a true artist like I've always dreamed. I have no one in my life that I feel I can truly open up to. I have no time to see anyone and they're all just as burnt out as me when I do. I always wanted a family of my own, but I feel I'm too damaged to ever do it, plus it feels financially impossible and the future seems to only hold despair as climate change ravages the planet and politicians work to strip me of my rights daily.
I have constant thoughts of wanting to CTB. I think I have the means— some leftover painkillers from a recent jaw surgery. It was actually a revision— the first surgeon botched me and I got an infection. He refused to admit there was a problem so I spent a year in agony with my bones rotting until I finally found another surgeon who'd listen to me & got the necrotic bone tissue removed. My face will never look the same & I'll need a 3rd surgery to get it fixed. It feels hopeless & I dread having to go through the whole ordeal of healing again.
TL;DR: I'm 125lbs. I have no opiod tolerance. I've been wondering if I take a cocktail of xanax (2mg), klonopin (1mg) oxycodone (40mg), and pregabalin (150mg) if it would be fatal? I have vodka too, and benadryl to help with nausea and further depress my CNS. I'm afraid of not succeeding if I try to CTB and instead winding up a vegetable. I'm also afraid that if I fail and dont wind up a vegetable, I'll never be able to get prescribed these medications again even though I actually have had legitimate need for them.
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