Story Wanna ctb, but life keeps giving me second chances

[WornOutLife]

So, I was a prisoner in my parents house a few weeks ago.
Since I "got out" , I've started working again as a teacher (only for some hours) and even some girls wanna date me (I'm really scared of this, don't wanna break any hearts nor have mine broken) but...

Neither anybody nor anything is perfect. I still feel extremely suicidal and depressed and don't know how long I'll endure this pain but life is just like:

"Oh boy, you wanna ctb? Well, guess what? You have a brilliant and fulfilled future ahead of you! You can be THE MAN. "

Just what the hell life? Why are you so mean? Just let me die please! I don't want to believe that everything will be ok, I know it won't. I'm already 33! I've had enough.
Yet, I don't have the guts "to do it."


Anyone can relate? I'm so confused!

 

[ihavetoleave]

Life wants you to move forward. My problem is the opposite, life keeps telling me to stop trying and that there is no hope and I foolishly have kept trying to move forward and getting slapped with reality and my bad choices haunting me. You are working, connecting with people, you are living this life, you don't have to decide what to do immediately you have options and you can take each day as it happens.

 

[WornOutLife]

Life wants you to move forward. My problem is the opposite, life keeps telling me to stop trying and that there is no hope and I foolishly have kept trying to move forward and getting slapped with reality and my bad choices haunting me. You are working, connecting with people, you are living this life, you don't have to decide what to do immediately you have options and you can take each day as it happens.

Wise advice. Thank you so much!
The thing is my mind... is so confused, it's exhausting!

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling that way. Hope things get better somehow.

Anyway, thanks again for your reply. It made me feel better !

 

[Life_and_Death]

i understand that. im working towards my "perfect life" and i still want to die

 

[WornOutLife]

i understand that. im working towards my "perfect life" and i still want to die

I'm so glad somebody is in my shoes!!! This is really confusing!!
Your username is quite accurate: life_and_death, which one is right? lol

 

[Life_and_Death]

I'm so glad somebody is in my shoes!!! This is really confusing!!
Your username is quite accurate: life_and_death, which one is right? lol

thats why i picked it lol. its always been a struggle for me. for the most part i just let them argue it out. if i live i live if i dont i dont

 

[sadworld]

My problem is the opposite, life keeps telling me to stop trying and that there is no hope and I foolishly have kept trying to move forward and getting slapped with reality and my bad choices haunting me.

Same here...

@WornOutLife you can ctb anytime, so if life gives you chances why not just try it and do your best and if everything gets worse you can still ctb. At least that's what I would do...

 

[WornOutLife]

Same here...

@WornOutLife you can ctb anytime, so if life gives you chances why not just try it and do your best and if everything gets worse you can still ctb. At least that's what I would do...

You're such a brilliant human being!
You're right. I'll give life a chance while it lasts and if things go south, I'll just "log out from this game"
Thank you!!! <3

 

[Steamm]

You are fortunate to have girls to date! Wish I had that option too.

 

[Symbiote]

I'm still waiting for the outcome of this job interview. I thought I bombed it on the first one, but they loved me so much they moved me to the CEO interview, so I bombed that one too. Life I can tell won't let me die, moreso it's just waiting for me to get off my ass and do it myself regardless of life's outcomes. Sorry you feel so much confusion and mixed signals.

 

[Spitfire]

Wise advice. Thank you so much!
The thing is my mind... is so confused, it's exhausting!

I am sorry to hear about the confusion within your mind. I can blackout if not careful when I drink and sometimes I drank too much at a time once in a while was my problem. It was always one of those things where I knew I had to respect alcohol, or else it really could make things in my life much worse in an instant. I really did not like hangover feelings.

Alcohol is a depressant too.

I am not sure, but I think you said you started drinking again recently? I've done that and started drinking again once in awhile. It always made things worse for me in my case.

I had prescription drugs diazepam and clonazepam prescribed to me by my primary doctor for probably two to three years at one point in my life. The point is if you also take benzodiazepine medication(s) too, and drink, be very careful. People are known to blackout and develop amnesia to whatever they did without knowing what they were doing...

I just wrote what came to mind and hope you can feel less confusion in your mind.

Take care

 

[WornOutLife]

I am sorry to hear about the confusion within your mind. I can blackout if not careful when I drink and sometimes I drank too much at a time once in a while was my problem. It was always one of those things where I knew I had to respect alcohol, or else it really could make things in my life much worse in an instant. I really did not like hangover feelings.

Alcohol is a depressant too.

I am not sure, but I think you said you started drinking again recently? I've done that and started drinking again once in awhile. It always made things worse for me in my case.

I had prescription drugs diazepam and clonazepam prescribed to me by my primary doctor for probably two to three years at one point in my life. The point is if you also take benzodiazepine medication(s) too, and drink, be very careful. People are known to blackout and develop amnesia to whatever they did without knowing what they were doing...

I just wrote what came to mind and hope you can feel less confusion in your mind.

Take care

Thank you so much for your comment! I really appreciate it!
Yes, I've started to drink alcohol, more and more. I'm even drinking right now. It's the only thing which makes me happy and escape from this reality even though I know the consequences it has. I just don't know what else to do.
I've already tried therapy, psychiatrist, talking to my family, etc but nothing works!

Still, somehow, I manage to be an excellent teacher and a sociable person according to those who know me. However, they don't know how much I'm suffering! That's why I'm so confused.

I hope I can make a decision soon! Hate to feel like this!

 

[Ghost2211]

The bus will always be there, and it can be a security blanket since the option is always waiting. If life gives you good things might as well go for them. There is nothing to lose, and potentially a lot to gain. Dating while suicidal is ok, and you still deserve to be loved. Don't let old relationships cut you off from loving others or letting them love you. You're a wonderful person. Let life be good to you, but keep the bus parked out front for security.

 

[WornOutLife]

The bus will always be there, and it can be a security blanket since the option is always waiting. If life gives you good things might as well go for them. There is nothing to lose, and potentially a lot to gain. Dating while suicidal is ok, and you still deserve to be loved. Don't let old relationships cut you off from loving others or letting them love you. You're a wonderful person. Let life be good to you, but keep the bus parked out front for security.

As expected, your comment really helped me out.
Thanks a bunch Rosey!
I wanna let you know that I'll be there for whenever you need me! <3

 

[Ghost2211]

As expected, your comment really helped me out.
Thanks a bunch Rosey!
I wanna let you know that I'll be there for whenever you need me! <3

I appreciate it, and feel free to reach out any time you want.

 

[UselessMF]

I'm in the same boat as you in terms of confused mind. I'm 32, nice and pretty girlfriend, 2 kids that I love so much, the house, car, wood lot, all sort of equipments, no financial problems, I'm doing really good at job being one of the top guns in the company etc...

I tried to ctb when i was really young (14) cause already my life had no meaning to me, always had that feeling of being useless and had nothing to do in this world. Since then I'm fighting against my mind everyday of my freakin life trying to recognize all I have as a successful life and that I should continue to fight and enjoy what I got and all the efforts Ive put in to obtain all that.

But I just can't and feeling guilty to have these feelings when a lot of people have "real" reasons to ctb like severe physical or mental problems that I dont have. I'm so tired of overthinking everything and cant be satisfy of what I got.

Life can be awesome or life can be a really tough and nasty place (ty Rocky) dependind of whats going on in your mind.

I hope that whatever is your decision you'll find peace and appreciate it.