Venting Walking Problem

[spirittheyregone]

it feels like nobody around me wants to me be around anymore. im just a walking problem for everyone in my life. i cant tell my family how i really feel because some will take it too seriously and make me move back in or move closer (which i cant stand, well fight again and be more distant), and others will just dismiss it. tell me to pray more. i cant tell my fiance because hell comfort me which is nice but it just puts more work and worry in his life that he doesnt need, he has his own issues and i can tell when im having my own problems it just drains him. i cant tell my best friends because i already whine a lot to one of them and make them worry about me and the other is still adjusting to school and doesnt take these things well. i dont want another reason to be a problem in his life. im already a problem, most of my friends probably think so, just wont say it to my face. i dont want to be a problem anymore but i dont think i can change that. no matter how good im doing, whether im taking my meds or staying positive or doing well in life im always a problem, even at my best. life would be better for the people around me if i just ctbd already. people would miss me but ultimately in the end id be a burden off peoples shoulders which is a net positive. the only creatures im truly good to are my cats and even then they have to watch me try and fail to ctb, cut myself, burn myself, and drink myself into a stupor. theyd do much better with another owner anyways. i want to try to live for the ones i love but i know theyd be better without me. sometimes i wonder if i should just make everyone hate me so theyd celebrate and make jokes when i died or if i tried and failed. im done with being a problem and the people in my life probably think so too. anyways if you read this far thank you i just needed to get this off my chest.