Every single night for the past 8 years I pray I'll go to sleep and die before I wake up. I'm almost 50. Even if life didn't get worse from here, my body is. It seems unfair that other people my age get to die of things--heart attacks, cancer, whatever--while I'm miserable, too sick to work (enough to feel awful, but not deadly), too traumatized to be involved with the world beyond my bedroom, but still have to live. I've survived ODs, car crashes (unintentiona!), suffocation attempts, etc that should have killed me.
In addition to all the shit, the depression, PTSD, the pain and hopelessness, I watch from my bedroom other people moving forward with friendships and jobs, etc, while I lost everything I owned and have disengaged with the world, even TV, music, internet.
That Cure verse, "the further I get from the things that I care about, the less I care how much further away I get" describes it perfectly. Life stopped for me years ago, but my body won't.
I want to die so badly, but by now I know every method sucks, is miserable or painful, so I've gotten too chicken to keep trying. I'm so jealous of heroin addicts, one large shot and the world goes black; I'd pay for someone to do that for me. I keep hoping life will magically end one night, but it's been too horrible for too long, since childhood, for me to ever get that lucky.
In addition to all the shit, the depression, PTSD, the pain and hopelessness, I watch from my bedroom other people moving forward with friendships and jobs, etc, while I lost everything I owned and have disengaged with the world, even TV, music, internet.
That Cure verse, "the further I get from the things that I care about, the less I care how much further away I get" describes it perfectly. Life stopped for me years ago, but my body won't.
I want to die so badly, but by now I know every method sucks, is miserable or painful, so I've gotten too chicken to keep trying. I'm so jealous of heroin addicts, one large shot and the world goes black; I'd pay for someone to do that for me. I keep hoping life will magically end one night, but it's been too horrible for too long, since childhood, for me to ever get that lucky.
