Lost in a Dream
He/him - Metal head
- Feb 22, 2020
- 1,771
I have a problem and I was wondering if anyone else is in the same situation or if they have some opinions on how to deal with this sort of thing. The problem is that I've been putting off on CTBing because of three relatives of mine that I have a very close relationship with and I don't want them to suffer because I decided to kill myself. If those people were not in my life, then right now I would be planning a way to do it so I could get it over with and not have to worry about being caught and interrupted.
The reason that I am okay with waiting is because two of them are much older than me and their physical health is going downhill, so it's unlikely that they will be around longer than 5-10 years (but not necessarily impossible). The third is the same age as me and in fairly decent health, so I don't know if I could wait around for them to die naturally first. If I did, then it's possible that an unexpected event would end up doing it for me, but there could end up being a lot of suffering involved.
One of my reasons for wanting to CTB is that I see what is waiting for me in the future whenever I am around the two older and unhealthy family members. I would rather end my own life quickly than wait around to die naturally from whatever physical illness I might develop if I live to be in my 50s or beyond. I feel like the best way to avoid this becoming a problem is to do it when I am young because at least then I could be in control of my death. There are very few things that I am able to control in this world and I want the process of dying to be one of them.
Also, as I've mentioned in other posts that I have made, the second reason is that this world is a fucked up place. It isn't just because of assholes making it that way for other people because it is much more than that. Even if all of humanity was wiped out right now, the world would still be full of suffering. In the animal kingdom, it's an everyday occurrence for animals to kill each other just to survive and they will continue to suffer because of it. Also, it is likely that natural disasters will continue happening with or without humans being around. I've even read about insects that will inject poison into other insects and lay eggs inside of them (if I remember correctly, it's some type of wasp that does this). When those eggs hatch, the prey literally gets eaten alive! How horrific is that and what is the point of it even happening? If there really is a god that had the intelligence and ability to design the universe then they would have to be sadistic to design a world like this.
My third and final reason for wanting to CTB is because it's getting harder and harder to maintain interest in the things that help to distract me from thinking about this. Despite all of the meds and therapy I have tried (I've been lucky enough to see some amazing therapists, BTW, only one of them really sucked), this hasn't changed and probably never will. One of my therapists suggested that I could try to work on making the world a better place so that I feel better about myself. At first it sounded like a good idea, but nature and the greed of our fellow humans will ALWAYS lead to the world going back to being shit again, even IF it was possible to fix everything (which it's not).
The only reason I am trying to find new distractions and new meds now is because I want it to make waiting to die easier. I feel like my deadline should be after I turn 30, which is 3 years from now, but what if that is too soon? What if these people that I don't want to hurt are still alive then? Should I wait until I am 35? 40? These family members of mine are pro-life because of religious beliefs that they have, so it is unlikely that they will ever CTB. If I wait for them to die naturally, I have no way of knowing how long that might take. I don't want to wait too long because trying to get by and survive in a world that I hate seems like such a waste of time and I also don't want to end up in a situation where I am suffering physically, but have no means of ending my own life in the way that I want.
I also wonder if I CTB when they are still alive what effect might it have on them. Is it possible that it would cause them to die earlier due to stress complicating their health issues? Maybe it is a bad thing that I sometimes want to CTB early with the intention of causing that, but I still feel that way sometimes. I know that I am pro-choice when it comes to suicide, but some days I just feel like I am pro-death. Some days I feel like it would be a good thing if every living thing on the Earth died because then there would be no suffering anymore. I feel like it would be a good thing for these family members to die from their grief because they would be at peace as well. Peace is what we all want, right? If death is the only way to get it, then why would it be a bad thing?
I feel so torn up over this that I am stuck with not knowing what to do. Sometimes I am able to go a few days without thinking about suicide constantly, but it never lasts. There will always be days where I will think about it all day and the longer I live in this world, the more frequent those days will become, regardless of the things I do to distract myself from it. Maybe some of you guys are in the same boat. I sometimes feel jealous of the people who have no one in their life to care about them because I know that there would be nothing stopping me if that was my situation.
The reason that I am okay with waiting is because two of them are much older than me and their physical health is going downhill, so it's unlikely that they will be around longer than 5-10 years (but not necessarily impossible). The third is the same age as me and in fairly decent health, so I don't know if I could wait around for them to die naturally first. If I did, then it's possible that an unexpected event would end up doing it for me, but there could end up being a lot of suffering involved.
One of my reasons for wanting to CTB is that I see what is waiting for me in the future whenever I am around the two older and unhealthy family members. I would rather end my own life quickly than wait around to die naturally from whatever physical illness I might develop if I live to be in my 50s or beyond. I feel like the best way to avoid this becoming a problem is to do it when I am young because at least then I could be in control of my death. There are very few things that I am able to control in this world and I want the process of dying to be one of them.
Also, as I've mentioned in other posts that I have made, the second reason is that this world is a fucked up place. It isn't just because of assholes making it that way for other people because it is much more than that. Even if all of humanity was wiped out right now, the world would still be full of suffering. In the animal kingdom, it's an everyday occurrence for animals to kill each other just to survive and they will continue to suffer because of it. Also, it is likely that natural disasters will continue happening with or without humans being around. I've even read about insects that will inject poison into other insects and lay eggs inside of them (if I remember correctly, it's some type of wasp that does this). When those eggs hatch, the prey literally gets eaten alive! How horrific is that and what is the point of it even happening? If there really is a god that had the intelligence and ability to design the universe then they would have to be sadistic to design a world like this.
My third and final reason for wanting to CTB is because it's getting harder and harder to maintain interest in the things that help to distract me from thinking about this. Despite all of the meds and therapy I have tried (I've been lucky enough to see some amazing therapists, BTW, only one of them really sucked), this hasn't changed and probably never will. One of my therapists suggested that I could try to work on making the world a better place so that I feel better about myself. At first it sounded like a good idea, but nature and the greed of our fellow humans will ALWAYS lead to the world going back to being shit again, even IF it was possible to fix everything (which it's not).
The only reason I am trying to find new distractions and new meds now is because I want it to make waiting to die easier. I feel like my deadline should be after I turn 30, which is 3 years from now, but what if that is too soon? What if these people that I don't want to hurt are still alive then? Should I wait until I am 35? 40? These family members of mine are pro-life because of religious beliefs that they have, so it is unlikely that they will ever CTB. If I wait for them to die naturally, I have no way of knowing how long that might take. I don't want to wait too long because trying to get by and survive in a world that I hate seems like such a waste of time and I also don't want to end up in a situation where I am suffering physically, but have no means of ending my own life in the way that I want.
I also wonder if I CTB when they are still alive what effect might it have on them. Is it possible that it would cause them to die earlier due to stress complicating their health issues? Maybe it is a bad thing that I sometimes want to CTB early with the intention of causing that, but I still feel that way sometimes. I know that I am pro-choice when it comes to suicide, but some days I just feel like I am pro-death. Some days I feel like it would be a good thing if every living thing on the Earth died because then there would be no suffering anymore. I feel like it would be a good thing for these family members to die from their grief because they would be at peace as well. Peace is what we all want, right? If death is the only way to get it, then why would it be a bad thing?
I feel so torn up over this that I am stuck with not knowing what to do. Sometimes I am able to go a few days without thinking about suicide constantly, but it never lasts. There will always be days where I will think about it all day and the longer I live in this world, the more frequent those days will become, regardless of the things I do to distract myself from it. Maybe some of you guys are in the same boat. I sometimes feel jealous of the people who have no one in their life to care about them because I know that there would be nothing stopping me if that was my situation.
Last edited:
