waiting for weather to get better before ctb

[eggsausagerice]

it's way too cold for me to want to step outside late at night, even though i plan on leaving the house to ctb at 3 am. i've been trying to figure out how insulated i should be, but i don't have a lot of thick winter clothes besides a few pieces. i've been worried about my legs going stiff in the cold because they won't be warm enough. i hope it warms up more next week. hanging isn't that hard with gloves on, but the cold might seep through the fabric. the cold weather really is unbearable now that it's january. it makes me wish that i died in november or december when it was cooler and i wouldn't have to deal with this. it still feels like i'm making excuses, but i feel like most people wouldn't want to ctb when it's so cold.

february has always been my least favorite month because of all the valentine's day ads and couple stuff when i'm a miserable loser, so it's making me want to shut myself inside instead of go out. my february last year was incredibly lonely, so i'm worried about having to go through the same thing if i trudge through the month while waiting to kill myself. during the summer i would constantly check my weather app for rain because the mud would make the forest unwalkable. eventually i stopped going to the woods because i would keep going back home, and i needed to stay for my friends' christmas party later in december.

i figured that time would be the last time we hung out, but i saw them again this weekend when i didn't want to. it makes me feel so embarrassed of myself, even though i'm the only one that sets these dates for myself. every morning i just wonder why i'm here if i could've killed myself yesterday. i'm trying to avoid getting sick from the cold (i got sick for a week after staying out late on new years), but it's kind of boring to sit around ideating. during the day it's cold too. i feel like a loser for always running through my head whether today is a day i could do it, when i should be thinking about my future or about something normal. i know i can't ctb in the house because at least one of my family members might hear me or one of them might be awake because their sleep schedules are weird. i've had a lot of nights where i contemplated doing it just to not think about doing it tomorrow. i wish there was a way to not always have it on my mind. i constantly worry about being found out by my family and having my autonomy taken away.