Visions of Violence

[Wisdom3_1-9]

I'm not a violent person, by any means. I hate guns. I've never even held one. I couldn't care less about the second amendment. But this isn't a political post.

I've been having very violent visions recently. Visions of me causing severe physical harm to the people who ruined my life. I've seen myself wielding firearms and committing atrocities with them.

I'm not sure what's causing these visions — if it's just pure anger and hatred, or maybe even my medications bringing out deeply subconscious urges. For the record, I don't own any weapons, nor do I have any intentions of purchasing them. Still, it concerns me that these graphically violent images are so often in my mind.

Has anyone else experienced this? Is it normal? Should I be concerned?

 

[Mr2005]

Yes I experience it regularly and I also hate violence. I can't sleep often because of the anger. It's aimed towards myself and my mother. I often have thoughts of "it's me or her". I wouldn't ever really hurt her so it's me. That'll hurt her more anyway and I won't have to suffer anymore. I actually don't see her anymore because I'll tell her how I feel. I care about her enough because I know she didn't mean it but she ruined my life. I try to be reasonable and not let emotions get the better of me but it's hard knowing I went through all this and she didn't do anything. I kept telling her and just getting ignored. I know the way to prove her wrong was to do it myself but I never did. I ruined my life as if to get her back. I can't find any other reason, it wasn't difficult. I know it's my fault really. My fault for relying on her in the first place. I shouldn't have needed to. I should have done it myself. If I really needed her help I needed to make her take me seriously. My most common thought is holding a gun to her head until it's done. Anything to prevent me being in the position I'm in. Now I know how bad it is I don't care what I had to do but I did nothing and neither did she. Putting my life in someone else's hands and suffering the consequences

 

[GrumpyFrog]

I experienced similar things ever since I was a young teenager. I am nearly 30 and yet to hurt a single person, at least deliberately, so if you're worried you might be dangerous, I don't think you are. You probably just have a lot of anger bottled up in you. Some people let their anger out: they yell, curse, break things etc. My theory is that for those who don't, bottled up anger has to go somewhere, so it might become extremely violent fantasies. Thoughts in and of themselves are not harmful, so I don't think anything is wrong with you

 

[262653]

Has anyone else experienced this?

I did, but mostly intentionally, to make myself feel better. To me, destroying an enemy means that our conflict of interest is resolving in my favor. Having the power to overpower adversaries means that I get what I want, and I feel good when I have the power.

For better or worse, my emotional brain, or emotional side, doesn't seem to be able to distinguish between "real" and imagined situations, and I take advantage of that fact by imagining things that I like to feel good, or imagine bad things to make myself more agitated, so I can respond to an unpleasant "real" situation.

 

[Life_and_Death]

I do everyday but I think it's because of my ptsd. Sometimes I'm getting hurt and sometimes I'm making my enemies suffer

 

[Xocoyotziin]

I get them involuntarily when I close my eyes. They're in a sort of sparkly weird purple-greyscale, like kind of holographic, and I do physically see them as opposed to "mind's eye" visuals that are only half there. I can somewhat influence the outcomes consciously but it takes a lot of effort. It's always violence being directed at me or from some random force onto someone innocent. Like one I had was of a lady walking down stairs, but her skirt got caught on the rails and she tumbled down, ending in a gorey mess at the end. There are so many I don't really remember most of them and they're so random. I'm a lot better at screening them out than I used to be. They were mostly positive when I first started having them and I had a greater degree of control.

On rare occasions I see nicer things, like when it rains it leaves traces in my visual field so I can continue to see it raining for hours after when I close my eyes. It's probably some kind of brain damage, it's very discrete even for HPPD.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I think it's possible you're getting your power back. If that's so, this will evolve until you reach a point of balance and empowerment, not power over others, and no longer being overpowered by others.

For example, when I was raped and he got away with it, I came up with a plan for revenge that targeted his peanut allergy. Knowing I could harm him was enough, acting out could have landed me in jail where he belonged. With my parents, I can easily do great damage to their social support system, and have several times done everything but actually hit send. I always return to my empowered values: that it is far more wretched to harm than to be harmed, and that I have the power to show those who harmed me the grace and mercy they did not show me. This is why I believe the world is better for having me in it than not having me in it. I fit within myself because of my ways, and I don't become abusive like those who harmed me, which would not fit. I would feel a rush of power if I acted on my plans, and I would feel temporarily justified, and I suspect they felt the same way when they assaulted me. If I did not have safe distance from them, I would have to act in some way to assert and defend my boundaries, but I do have that distance.

The fantasies teach me, the brain perceives them as doing something active when I couldn't at the time, and they help my resilience and recovery. But working with the fantasies, going forward, I am far less likely to be a victim in new situations, and if I am, more likely to maintain my hold on my self through out the experience and after.

If it's not anything you would act on, you're not doing any harm. If you try to repress it, I think you will repress your self and your power that need to be acknowledged and honored by you. It's good to have a safe space inside to let such things out, so that they don't erupt to your detriment, nor turn inward to your detriment, nor be hidden to your detriment.

 

[Meditation guide]

maybe even my medications

Yes this. And possibly PTSD. I haven't had those types of visions but I have had thoughts of doing something to a couple people even though they are currently dead. I actually consider it healthy because what happened was many years ago, the people are gone from this world. I feel it has to come out and it's best to not leave it covered up and festering.

I honor these thoughts and know that they are showing me just how much I was hurt. I expect that once the pain from those experiences has been completely recognized, the thoughts will stop. I've noticed some improvements in how I feel physically lately which is possibly connected.

My suggestion is to honor those visions you have and take a couple of minutes to not only give them room to develop, but say to yourself, this is good, this needs to come out. Your subconscious is showing you in visions exactly how much you were hurt and demanding to be recognized.