Discussion viscous circle

[watamote-love]

I'm in a vicious circle: I feel depressed and melancholy. Then I want to pull myself together, I make an effort, I change little by little, and finally comes the moment of relapse when all my efforts are nullified and the depression comes back even stronger. Each cycle brings me closer to suicide, but I try to fight it.
How can I get out of this cursed circle?
Have other people managed to get out of the system and heal?
Thank you all for your comments

 

[Forever Sleep]

I wish I knew what to say. Have you tried lots of different things? Not that I'm a big fan but- therapy etc? Do you still have the will to try to recover? It's understandable that it would be diminished each time life kicks you in the teeth.

Have you thought about why each time landed you back in the shit? Were you placing your hopes on unsustainable things? I wish I knew what to suggest really.

Do you still have hopes/ dreams/ goals? I guess what I'd try to do is- focus on them. Work out how best to achieve what you want in the long run and whether what you're currently doing is bringing you closer to that goal or not.

But also- don't be too hard on yourself if things go wrong now and then. Someone once said to me- 'failure isn't when you fall, it's when you don't get back up again.' Of course, it might feel so awful and worthless that you don't really want to try anymore. You kind of sound like you might have some fight still left in you but, it's hard to tell from a few paragraphs so- feel free to ignore all that if it just sounds like pathetic platitudes!

It did actually help me at the time but, that's because I still had the desire for achieving certain things in life at that point. I suppose part of it is trying to work out how much fight you have left but then, focusing it so that it has better chances of pulling you through. I wish you all the best with whatever you decide on.

 

[backtoearth]

I understand this all too well, I recently posted about my own experience with this sorta thing but one thing I have found helpful recently is really trying to believe that relapse does not equal going back to square one even when it feels like it. Harm reduction resources and "urge surfing" (I think), have helped me get closer to fully believing that the cycle does not have to be infinite and never-ending.

Finding a support worker (or councilor/therapist if that is possible) that is genuine, well-trained, and willing to admit that I know myself better than they do has completely changed my life and general perspective. I still don't have a "purpose" as such or long-term plan, and am not out of the cycle, but these things have helped me believe it is at least possible if you are able to access the right resources and support - which isn't always possible or easy to get in to.

But then again, it is easy for me to type this out when I'm still venting on here and not really following my own advice so obviously this is not intended to be preachy or anything like that, maybe just a spark of hope that I think it is possible, I also know that I got really lucky with the external support that was given to me. Regardless, I hope for the best in whatever you decide on <3

 

[wren-briar]

It sounds like you don't actually want to catch the bus. If this is the case, I'd suggest that you also make a similar post over on the "Recovery" board.

 

[watamote-love]

It sounds like you don't actually want to catch the bus. If this is the case, I'd suggest that you also make a similar post over on the "Recovery" board.

I'm simply describing the mechanism that drives me to ctb
And do you really think you're suicidal?

 

[wren-briar]

I'm simply describing the mechanism that drives me to ctb

Gotcha.

Based on:

How can I get out of this cursed circle?
Have other people managed to get out of the system and heal?

It just sounded to me like you were on the fence and leaning toward wanting to not be focused on CTB any time soon, aka recovery.

And do you really think you're suicidal?

I failed to catch the bus a month and a half ago, and am currently working cj on my final prep to try and correct that mistake. So, yeah, I'm 100% actively suicidal.

For context, I spent most of my 50+ years of life in a passive suicidal state. For me, while there have been things, lots of things (ironically, the most common of which was anything that threatened, even a tiny bit, my ability to CTB; the second most common being depression) that have escalated my passive ideations. However, only twice have I been escalated all the way to being actively suicidal. My first time (2 decades ago) ended in a failure and I promised my mother that I would try to stick around for at least as long as she did. This time, I failed yet again (was found too soon), and have literally been preparing for the next attempt since the moment that I regained consciousness.

So, I don't have experience with the "vicious circle" that you're describing, although I absolutely understand depression and how it can increase suicidal ideations.