Venting Violent desires

[willitpass]

After having been failed by 4 generally more peaceful methods, I am ready to try something more drastic. Partial and going over a dam/hypothermia I suppose could be considered semi violent methods, but they weren't disfiguring or excruciating. SN and cardiac overdose were peaceful. None of them killed me. Despite knowing it is one of if not the most painful method possible, my mind keeps coming back to setting myself on fire. I don't know why that is what my mind has become so fixated on as it is quite possibly the most violent of the violent methods. And it isn't even very quick. I could be conscious for a minute or longer while my body burns and my lungs fill with soot and burn as well. I may have a high pain tolerance but that would be beyond unbearable. And god forbid I somehow survive I would be disabled and in excruciating pain the rest of my life. Yet for some reason my mind has fixated on it. I hope my mind is able to let go of that thought before I wind up doing it one day. I know I am prone to fixate of suicide/self harm methods and cannot let go of them until I actually do it, but good lord I do not want to actually do that.

 

[fvckfamily]

After having been failed by 4 generally more peaceful methods, I am ready to try something more drastic. Partial and going over a dam/hypothermia I suppose could be considered semi violent methods, but they weren't disfiguring or excruciating. SN and cardiac overdose were peaceful. None of them killed me. Despite knowing it is one of if not the most painful method possible, my mind keeps coming back to setting myself on fire. I don't know why that is what my mind has become so fixated on as it is quite possibly the most violent of the violent methods. And it isn't even very quick. I could be conscious for a minute or longer while my body burns and my lungs fill with soot and burn as well. I may have a high pain tolerance but that would be beyond unbearable. And god forbid I somehow survive I would be disabled and in excruciating pain the rest of my life. Yet for some reason my mind has fixated on it. I hope my mind is able to let go of that thought before I wind up doing it one day. I know I am prone to fixate of suicide/self harm methods and cannot let go of them until I actually do it, but good lord I do not want to actually do that.

I hope you can find a peaceful and functional method to escape this existence

 

[ForgottenAgain]

That sounds really scary, I hope you can replace those desires with another thing. I'm glad you're very rational about the practicality and danger of it, that is important to never lose sight of.
Sorry to hear you tried all those methods and didn't get the result you wanted. Do you think this obsessive thought regarding setting yourself on fire is a frustration response to the failed attempts or do you think there's something more?

 

[wren-briar]

Self-immolation has a very long, and culturally broad, history of being used to protest injustices, so I can't help but wonder if that's why it's weighing so heavily on your mind.

That said, there are still so many other -and less horrific- ways to find the peace that you're seeking.

While your passing will be a loss to this community, I'm still looking forward to the day that you are able to find the peace that you so clearly need.

 

[willitpass]

God I just want to do it. The biggest thing stopping me right now is knowing I would need to find both a safe and secluded place. I would not want to start a fire that would spread so I would need to find somewhere that wasn't grass or wooded. Asphalt, gravel, concrete, something of the sort. The geography where I live doesn't really have many areas of nature that don't have a ton of trees or other flammable foliage, so nature would be out of the question. The problem would become finding a man made area secluded enough to not be saved and ideally not be found by unsuspecting people. Unfortunately I don't think meeting both of those criteria would be possible, so the more important one would be not being found. I suppose something like a large, mostly empty parking lot. Take some sedatives beforehand to at least alleviate the pre-anxiety. I don't think any amount of drugs could ease the pain of the actual burning once adrenaline kicks in.

I'm terrified by how set my mind is becoming on this.

What is momentary physical agony if it means peace from decades of emotional agony? I've done my due diligence to die in a way that wasn't nearly as painful or traumatizing to others. I just don't think there is any other way out. I've been trying to get out in more peaceful ways since I was still a fucking child. I think that it will have to be done. While the agony terrifies me, the more I think about it the more reasonable of an option it becomes.

 

[sevennn]

i would not recommend. please don't do this.

 

[willitpass]

I think if I drive into a very rural area and find a large, unpopulated parking lot at night time I would have the best odds. Rural areas tend to have limited, volunteer only emergency services as well as hospitals not equipped to handle severe traumas. Delay of care is often a huge factor in trauma related deaths. Once I inhaled enough smoke I would become unconscious. If care is delayed long enough due to lack of resources I would be gone before I could be treated. Minutes of agony for infinite peace. I've been researching and found a source that said those who are found in their cars have the highest amount of CO in their bodies, which is the main factor for unconscious and also a positive relationship between CO levels and successful self immolation. Maybe going in my car would be the best idea. My only worry with that would be causing an explosion that may cause harm to others.
The more reading I do the more I keep seeing that unconsciousness is very rapid. Especially if I were in my car and breathing in trapped CO. One big whiff of it and I'm out. Make sure I'm where no one will find me, at least not for a few minutes, and by the time they could even get to me, get the fire out, and get me out to assess me it would be far too late. I'll just have to start doing some digging into large, abandoned parking lots in areas with volunteer EMS and no nearby hospitals.

 

[landslide2]

I say this with all due respect to your situation: you need to get a grip.
I know this is trauma from another failed attempt.
Do you really want to leave a burnt and charred corpse behind for your loved ones?

 

[Wolf Girl]

I think if I drive into a very rural area and find a large, unpopulated parking lot at night time I would have the best odds. Rural areas tend to have limited, volunteer only emergency services as well as hospitals not equipped to handle severe traumas. Delay of care is often a huge factor in trauma related deaths. Once I inhaled enough smoke I would become unconscious. If care is delayed long enough due to lack of resources I would be gone before I could be treated. Minutes of agony for infinite peace. I've been researching and found a source that said those who are found in their cars have the highest amount of CO in their bodies, which is the main factor for unconscious and also a positive relationship between CO levels and successful self immolation. Maybe going in my car would be the best idea. My only worry with that would be causing an explosion that may cause harm to others.
The more reading I do the more I keep seeing that unconsciousness is very rapid. Especially if I were in my car and breathing in trapped CO. One big whiff of it and I'm out. Make sure I'm where no one will find me, at least not for a few minutes, and by the time they could even get to me, get the fire out, and get me out to assess me it would be far too late. I'll just have to start doing some digging into large, abandoned parking lots in areas with volunteer EMS and no nearby hospitals.

Have you read the Burn Journals by Brent Runyon? He self-immolated at 13 and survived. He recounts his recovery in the book. I also used to be in a support group with a girl who survived self-immolation. I'm not anti-painful methods like most on here, but with your track record, I just really think you might end up surviving with horrific burn scars. I really advice against this. I think full suspension might be a good bet.

 

[imadeahugemistake]

My method is a firearm. I'm planning on ctb in a secluded area but still want to be considerate of those who will find my corpse. So I'm ruling out using higher calibers to lessen the chances of disfigurement.

I will probably do it in a tent with a note on the outside and a luggage lock on the door zipper to prevent unsuspecting hikers from traumatizing themselves.

 

[willitpass]

I deserve whatever pain comes with my death. And whatever method I end up choosing I know will end up being violent. I've tried too many non violent methods to settle for anything else. If I die in agony it will only be fair. Even if I survive in agony, it is what I deserve. If I end up burning then so be it. I am tired.

 

[NoPoint2Life]

Please don't do this. You wouldn't want any of us doing that.

 

[willitpass]

I lifetime of being fucked in the head has worn me down to a shell of a human being. I simply can't care about the agony. The apathy is unmatched. A couple red gas containers poured inside my car and all over me. One flick of a lighter in an empty parking lot in the middle of nowhere. There would be no saving me.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

I understand the pain and utter feeling of being so fucking done in your words. Your body is your own, you're mindful enough to not want to fuck up shit for others in a direct way like a dangerous fire. I have ocd and understand very well getting fixated on something until you finally do it. Part of the reason I had to kick street fent 20+ times, it never fucking killed me. It's maddening to feel like you can't die while watching so many others go. We are here for you no matter what's going through your mind and thankful that you've at least considered all aspects of what we all know is a violent method. No judgement here. Failed attempt trauma is real but I know that's not at all the only thing at play for you personally.

 

[ladylazarus4]

There are other options. With the reasoning of breathing in CO, why don't you just do that? I don't want to suggest methods but CO with charcoal would be so much less painless than self-immolation. Maybe the draw of fire for you is the irreversibility, but I am horrified to think of the utter agony you'd be in. I've seen videos of people doing it and it's the most horrific thing I've ever seen.