gonesoon!
Member
- Jun 6, 2025
- 14
Any time I try to get better or help myself, I either feel like it was pointless, or humiliated. I end up right back here. I had a dentist appointment today. My teeth are terrible. I take care of them now but I think its genetics. I have MAJOR anxiety related to the dentist. I layed down and she started pulling on the complete wrong tooth. I lost it. I had a panic attack and I could barely talk. I was shaking and crying. I couldnt feel my hands and face. Its beyond embarrassing. I let her pull on the correct one for a second but I couldnt do it. They werent able to do the work. Im in pain and Im too pathetic to let them fix it. 6 hour car drive for nothing. I hate myself. Intensely. I just want to die. Im an adult and I cant do simple shit. Its too much. I cant do this. It only gets worse. I want to get better and live an actual life but I dont think its possible. Im too far gone. I was always more inclined to do nothing. Always anxious. Its who I am. Theres nowhere to escape to anymore. Going outside makes me so anxious I get nausous. And I usually do throw up. I cant relax even though I do fucking nothing. Can't enjoy games. Music is meh anymore. Movies and tv are chores to even watch. I have just started playing music and staring at the wall. Staring at the screen. Dissociating. Daydreaming. Doing my best to not be here. Ive been doing it for maybe 2 months now. Keep in mind Ive been isolated for almost 5 years now. Its usually around 8 hours a day. I just listen to music and smoke. Clearly thats not helping anything but I cant do anything else. If I didnt do that Id just lay in the bed. Just lay there. Maybe stop eating. I mentally crippled myself. Im in pain constantly. Im an undeniable burden. I feel the end getting closer. I want it.
