Venting

[LucidDreamz]

I can't handle this emotional pain, it is draining, depressing and overwhelming. I cbf for anything anymore, nothing makes me happy or smile - apart from faking a smile at work, uni and around friends. I've contemplated ctb since 15 (6 years ago), I just want to be at peace. I just fucking can't stand this guilt, like should I worry about what others think or fuck it coz no one knows the pain I deal with every single day.... I told my friend about how life is going shit and how I have contemplated CTB - the first thing she says is what about your brothers and your mum - like wtf what about me they don't have to wake up feeling like this. And im sick of people being like see a therapist - like that fucking works, literally makes no difference, even if you gave me a million dollars , you would not be able to change my perspective on life.

I bought SN 99.8 % pure apparently, however I do not have access to antiemetics, I am going to do it without the antiemetics tomorrow. Fuck it - I'll put 5 table spoons of SN in 100 ml and see what happens- hopefully I will be successful. I just can't wait any longer, every fucking doctor I see says nah I don't suggest prescribing you any antiemetics.

 

[FuneralCry]

I think that personally it is best to not to tell people who would never understand that you want to ctb. People can be very insensitive. To me a therapist would be useless as they cannot fix real problems or take away why people want to ctb in the first place. I hope that you find relief from your suffering, I know that it is hard to carry on when all you want is to leave. Living really is so painful.