Venting

[Kadaver]

My first post here so Hi hello. I'm just going to be venting sorry

I feel like I shouldn't be alive. I feel like every part of me is wrong. All I want is to give and receive love but I just don't think anyone will be romantically attracted to me.

I'm trans and often look through personals ads on Reddit. Most aren't aimed at me so I just scroll on by. But one was so perfect. The listing described me so well but they don't want someone who is trans. It makes me think no one does.

I just want someone to love and be loved by. I want to do cute boyfriendly things and make my partner feel loved. If online I want late night phone calls with them when we both just can't sleep.

On top of my love life being nonexistent I just don't know what to do. I don't know what kind of career I want or what I wish to pursue in life. I just feel like I was damned since I was a baby.

I feel like my parents and their issues ruined me and stole away all of my potential and dreams. The more I live and experience life the more I feel like I shouldn't. Like its just not made for me— or rather I'm not made for it.

I'm terrified of death but I'm just so tired of living at the same time. I don't think I'll ever have the courage to kms.

I'm already in therapy but I just don't know how to talk to my therapist about this kind of thing without the risk of being hospitalized.

Since I'm new here id love to hear about some of yall. Feel free to vent or anything in the comments.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Hello @Kadaver,
I'm so sorry that you ended up on this forum, but welcome to Sanctioned Suicide, a world-leading forum of peer support.

First of all, thanks for opening up to us

I'm terrified of death but I'm just so tired of living at the same time. I don't think I'll ever have the courage to kms.

I don't want you to end up becoming a cadaver, of course, but it's understandable - I want to die and want the courage to CTB (catch the bus: kill yourself,) too.

On top of my love life being nonexistent I just don't know what to do. I don't know what kind of career I want or what I wish to pursue in life. I just feel like I was damned since I was a baby.

I don't know what to do, too. I have a minimum wage job (office clerk in Japan) and living with parents. Sometimes I feel like I should pursue a "better" job but I'm stuck at an entry-level job because my brain has been fried in a cocktail of meds full of side effects. I'm too stupid, inattentive and forgetful to live normally.

I just want someone to love and be loved by. I want to do cute boyfriendly things and make my partner feel loved. If online I want late night phone calls with them when we both just can't sleep.

And loneliness kills - I think relationship is particularly hard for trans people. I'm not trans so I don't have first-hand experience, but is there any platform on which you can look for other trans people who want relationship?
(I think this kind of platforms are a risky, if they exist, because predators are everywhere, and wanting to have a relationship with cis people are totally okay.)

I'm already in therapy but I just don't know how to talk to my therapist about this kind of thing without the risk of being hospitalized.

We believe that you have choice. But lease know that you also have a voice - on this forum, you can get on your soapbox without the fear of getting doxxed.

Since I'm new here id love to hear about some of yall. Feel free to vent or anything in the comments.

I hope your life will be a bit less unbearable
I appreciate if you reply.

Love,
LoiteringClouds

 

[Kadaver]

I don't know what to do, too. I have a minimum wage job (office clerk in Japan) and living with parents. Sometimes I feel like I should pursue a "better" job but I'm stuck at an entry-level job because my brain has been fried in a cocktail of meds full of side effects. I'm too stupid, inattentive and forgetful to live normally.

I was also working a minimum wage job and living with my parents until last year my friend invited me to live with him. He was ok with me not working while I worked on my metal health.

I never graduated high school and am afraid of trying to get my GED because im terrified of failing. I'm horribly bad at math and have a learning disability.

So I know how shitty it feels to feel stupid.

And loneliness kills - I think relationship is particularly hard for trans people. I'm not trans so I don't have first-hand experience, but is there any platform on which you can look for other trans people who want relationship?

(I think this kind of platforms are a risky, if they exist, because predators are everywhere, and wanting to have a relationship with cis people are totally okay.)

I'm totally ok with dating trans people and when I post personals on Reddit I always include them. I just never get any replies. I dmed the girl that I mentioned posted the perfect ad.

I guess I'll see what she says

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Thanks for your reply

I was also working a minimum wage job and living with my parents until last year my friend invited me to live with him. He was ok with me not working while I worked on my metal health.

I never graduated high school and am afraid of trying to get my GED because im terrified of failing. I'm horribly bad at math and have a learning disability.

So I know how shitty it feels to feel stupid.

Thanks for info and I'm sorry for your situation...
I'm Japanese and graduated high school, but I was also bad at math. Now I'm 36, so I didn't take any exam recently, but I'll be terrified if I had to take it again.

I'm totally ok with dating trans people and when I post personals on Reddit I always include them. I just never get any replies. I dmed the girl that I mentioned posted the perfect ad.

I guess I'll see what she says

Not getting any replies is so depressing...
I gave up looking for a partner, because I'm attracted to only people I find interesting and considerate, and such people are rare. I'm also an asexual - I really hate having sex, and I'm afraid my partner would be sexually frustrated if I had them.

It might be a bad question, but please tell me what are your hobbies if any, and if you are okay to share. You said you don't know what to do, so you might not have them, I guess.

In my case, I like writing short poems but I post them only on this forum. I feel most of my life is happening on this forum, and wonder my life makes any sense.

 

[Kadaver]

I'm Japanese and graduated high school, but I was also bad at math. Now I'm 36, so I didn't take any exam recently, but I'll be terrified if I had to take it again.

Yeah I dropped out because my depression got so bad. I'm happy that you don't have to worry about taking any tests or exams though :)

Not getting any replies is so depressing...
I gave up looking for a partner, because I'm attracted to only people I find interesting and considerate, and such people are rare. I'm also an asexual - I really hate having sex, and I'm afraid my partner would be sexually frustrated if I had them.

Yeah, it just feels like I'm never going to find my person.

I get the being asexual part. I'm not completely asexual, but I'm somewhere on the spectrum I feel. I feel like I'd only do it because my partner wanted to most the time.

You could always try dating someone who's also asexual. I know they're probably few and far between though so that might be easier said than done.

It might be a bad question, but please tell me what are your hobbies if any, and if you are okay to share. You said you don't know what to do, so you might not have them, I guess.

I used to be super into drawing and photography but now I'm just…not. I feel like all the joy I used to get from my hobbies is just gone and now they feel like chores.

In my case, I like writing short poems but I post them only on this forum. I feel most of my life is happening on this forum, and wonder my life makes any sense.

I used to like writing poems. I would mostly write lovey-dovey stuff for my crushes (when I had them)

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Hello,
Sorry for my late response.

Yeah I dropped out because my depression got so bad. I'm happy that you don't have to worry about taking any tests or exams though :)

I'm so sorry... One of my best friend also dropped out of high school because of depression and said it was excruciating.

Yeah, it just feels like I'm never going to find my person.

I get the being asexual part. I'm not completely asexual, but I'm somewhere on the spectrum I feel. I feel like I'd only do it because my partner wanted to most the time.

You could always try dating someone who's also asexual. I know they're probably few and far between though so that might be easier said than done.

I agree that I could look for an asexual partner if I wanted. But currently I'm more interested in a friendship than a romantic relationship. I feel like a child because of it, though.
And if I could find a friend, I would do on this forum... I no longer be able to connect to most of people, because I'm afraid of being judged as a boring person.

I used to be super into drawing and photography but now I'm just…not. I feel like all the joy I used to get from my hobbies is just gone and now they feel like chores.

I used to like writing poems. I would mostly write lovey-dovey stuff for my crushes (when I had them)

I'm so sorry to hear now your former hobbies feel like chores, but if you post your poems I'll appreciate
And having crushes has helped me to distract myself from my suicidal thoughts.

I used to love technology and I was actually a software developer, but after a devastating failure on my job, I lost an interest in programming.
Now, I feel like damaged goods when I'm at work, but on this forum, being damaged goods is okay, so I don't feel like I have to CTB, at least here.

 

[Kadaver]

I'm so sorry... One of my best friend also dropped out of high school because of depression and said it was excruciating.

It really is. I had my whole family there to tell me what a mistake it was and just rub it in that I was making a bad choice. I feel like all my family has ever done is judge me

I agree that I could look for an asexual partner if I wanted. But currently I'm more interested in a friendship than a romantic relationship. I feel like a child because of it, though.
And if I could find a friend, I would do on this forum... I no longer be able to connect to most of people, because I'm afraid of being judged as a boring person.

Mm I understand that. I think I'm also a boring person but make up for it by being really kind and understanding. I just wish that someone would give me a chance

I'm so sorry to hear now your former hobbies feel like chores, but if you post your poems I'll appreciate

Maybe if I start writing them again I will :)

I used to love technology and I was actually a software developer, but after a devastating failure on my job, I lost an interest in programming.
Now, I feel like damaged goods when I'm at work, but on this forum, being damaged goods is okay, so I don't feel like I have to CTB, at least here.

I've never had an important job. I only ever worked a minimum wage job; but without my GED there's not much else I can get.

I'm so sorry that your last job ended badly. I get feeling like damaged goods though. I'm a CSA survivor and I often feel like damaged goods because of that

 

[Serial Experi Pain]

It really is. I had my whole family there to tell me what a mistake it was and just rub it in that I was making a bad choice. I feel like all my family has ever done is judge me

Mm I understand that. I think I'm also a boring person but make up for it by being really kind and understanding. I just wish that someone would give me a chance

Maybe if I start writing them again I will :)

I've never had an important job. I only ever worked a minimum wage job; but without my GED there's not much else I can get.

I'm so sorry that your last job ended badly. I get feeling like damaged goods though. I'm a CSA survivor and I often feel like damaged goods because of that

The world needs kind and understanding people... Even if they're boring.