Venting Venting, stuff that's been on my mind, etc...

[Rue89]

This thread is just a disorganized collection of my venting; different thoughts and feelings that have been bugging me or been on my mind lately.

I've been skipping showers lately. I just don't have the energy or motivation anymore.
Sometimes I don't take a shower for 3-4 days, and then I have to force myself to.
I know that doesn't seem like a lot, but it is for me as I've always showered everyday until now. I feel like it's just more evidence that I'm giving up.

I've also been binge eating a lot of junk food, mostly sweets - chocolates, gummy bears, pudding, cookies, cake, etc. I know it's unhealthy, but I just don't have the willpower to stop, and I kind of don't care anymore.

I'm sorry if I don't reply to messages or take a long time to. My anxiety has been really bad lately, including social anxiety, which extends to online.
Sometimes it takes me a half hour or more to type and send a simple sentence.
I'm trying to do better. I'm trying to make myself interact more.

A few days ago my mom made me email my neurologist to tell her that after many months on the new medication, it hasn't helped with my anxiety at all.
I've been putting it off because even just a simple email was stressing me out. I made my mom tell me exactly what to type. Pathetic I know. My mom made a comment about how I shouldn't be having anxiety about anxiety. I just can't help it.

I'm sorry if I'm annoying.
I'm sorry if I post too much.

I'm sorry I'm such a fuck-up.
I'm sorry for existing.
I'm sorry to the few people I'll hurt when I stop existing.

I'm just sorry.

I feel so bad about leaving my cat, almost more than I do about leaving my family. I think the reason is that he won't understand what happened. He will think I just abandoned him, and possibly that he did something wrong that I "don't want him anymore."

 

[Life_and_Death]

I made my mom tell me exactly what to type. Pathetic I know.

i get my husband to do the exact same thing for me. theyre things that on good days i have no problem doing but i explained to him that on my bad days i cant straighten things out in my brain so its a jumbled mess. its like a very big intricate mess of small things and you somehow have to sort through it but you cant so you need someone else to do it for you because from your point of view the mess is just too stressful.

 

[Deathbydemo]

I feel you. Not showering, eating junk, distancing myself from people... it's like I wrote this myself. We're in this same shit show called life together. If nothing else, I hope you find comfort that you are definitely not alone.

 

[ecmnesia]

same.

i wish I could just hug you. I'm sorry.

 

[Lilacmoon]

Post as much as you want. I like reading about how you're doing, Rue. -all the hugs- I'm sure there are countless of us who can relate with exactly what you're typing, and it helps us to read just as I hope it helps you to vent.

 

[LastWhisper]

I can relate to almost everything you said, I do not care anymore of anything in my life, everything became so empty. I don't even make/spread a bed.
And don't think that you're annoying anyone here, we are all here for you.

 

[marcusuk63]

I`m the same , doing my bit for "global warming " not bathing ergo saving on gas and i usually have my bath full , hot and in it for an hour . of sit in my rainfall shower for ages ... now i often just bath once a week , not that i expend any energy to make me sweat ,
I have lived all my life binge eating junk but now i have nothing in the house , i go out in the middle of the night when it`s dark to get minimum provisions and for 4 days on the trot last week i only had a bowl of fries .

I go days with very little sleep and then days where i just sleep and when i do i usually have nightmares or really strange dreams .

Not that i wanted to sell my car but i even got my ex- girlfriend's boyfriend to sort it all out for me and left car at their house , once i got an interested buyer i just told them i was working away and my mate was sorting it and gave him their details lol (we are all very close )

 

[Stick]

I like getting updates from you, Rue, and other members when they post. It's more than welcome and it's part of the purpose of this forum. It's okay that you are feeling this way (well... not okay, but it's not morally wrong or something like that).
I haven't made an appointment with my therapist for the exact same reason you haven't talked to your neurologist, I have to call her receptionist now instead of email and I'm just too anxious.
We are here for you.

 

[Ghost2211]

I'm always happy to read your posts and offer hugs. I'm sorry to hear you're struggling so much.

 

[Rue89]

Ugh I accidentally tapped the back button too many times, and it went out of SS back to the Bing search (I've been using it as my browser lately) and it popped up the suicide hotline. They also added 911.
I automatically started to get this panic feeling. I got all tense and my breath caught in my throat. So stupid, so pathetic.
I guess it's just, well I know what they might do if my finger slips and I accidentally tap the number, even if I hang up right away. I could have police at my door. One of my biggest fears.
I need to remember to not use the back button with SS anymore. I feel ridiculous for getting anxiety over this. Does anyone else not like seeing these phone numbers?

 

[Ghost2211]

I would for sure prefer not to see that at the top every time I search for ss.

 

[Meditation guide]

Does anyone else not like seeing these phone numbers?

I feel very annoyed each time I see that big WE CAN HELP message, bigger than anything else. In fact I wish I could disable that. They CAN'T help and last time I called for help they hung up on me. It's a slap in the face. It's a cruel joke.

 

[Rue89]

I'm so fucking stupid. I mess up everything, I can't do anything right, can't say anything right. Why do I even try anymore? I don't know, well I'm done. I know I'm too emotional right now, have been for a few days, and I'm overreacting, but I don't care. Sorry for another pointless vent.

 

[shay23]

You are fine how you are and I'm proud of you for getting through each day. You are not stupid, you just have anxiety but you are not defined by having anxiety.