redacteduser1
Member
- Oct 9, 2023
- 10
A big part of why I want to CTB involved self loathing. I'm sure a lot of you experience this, I'm just wondering if anyone experiences it in the specific way that I do. I genuinely hate every single inch of myself, physically. I have a huge issue with being ugly. I used to be bullied a lot and called ugly for my looks. Then when I was around 14, I discovered how to properly do makeup. And I look COMPLETELY different with it on. I've mastered all the techniques and skills with it. It changed my whole life. I started getting called pretty, got attention, ppl were hooking up with me, etc. However deep down I know what I truly look like, and I cannot stomach it. It's reached a point where I have not gone outside or let a lot of people that haven't known me since before I started wearing makeup see me. About 5 years of that. It's incredibly draining to me. Especially because I understand that beauty is subjective, but I just factually know I'm naturally ugly. Anytime I have ever taken off my makeup around someone who hasn't seen me with it on, I don't get any specific phrases saying I look good, fine, or the same. Basically not the stuff u usually hear people say to girls who complain about how they look without makeup, when they look completely fine. I know it's not my fault that I look like this. It's just genetics, and I can only do so much aside from reconstructive surgery, which I can't afford, to improve on my natural looks. But I can't even begin to explain the self loathing I experience. I don't want to even be beautiful, I just want to be average. To feel comfortable not putting on makeup. I can't go to doctors appointments, or even join FaceTime calls without having makeup on. I cry everytime I stare at myself in the mirror for over a minute. I have been in therapy for years and I haven't gained a single ounce of love for myself physically even after trying to work on it for so long. This also affects my love life. I refuse to believe I can be TRULY loved, and don't let myself get into romantic connections because I know that once someone sees me without makeup, they'll feel lied to. And I obviously do not want to have a fake front and put someone through that. It wouldn't be fair. I'm just so sick and tired of going through this emotionally. Not a single day or second in my life have I ever felt confident, because even with makeup on, I know how I look under it. I would not wish this level of hatred on my worst enemy. Does anyone understand or relate to this?