Venting/ Self esteem/ Self hatred if anyone relates

[redacteduser1]

A big part of why I want to CTB involved self loathing. I'm sure a lot of you experience this, I'm just wondering if anyone experiences it in the specific way that I do. I genuinely hate every single inch of myself, physically. I have a huge issue with being ugly. I used to be bullied a lot and called ugly for my looks. Then when I was around 14, I discovered how to properly do makeup. And I look COMPLETELY different with it on. I've mastered all the techniques and skills with it. It changed my whole life. I started getting called pretty, got attention, ppl were hooking up with me, etc. However deep down I know what I truly look like, and I cannot stomach it. It's reached a point where I have not gone outside or let a lot of people that haven't known me since before I started wearing makeup see me. About 5 years of that. It's incredibly draining to me. Especially because I understand that beauty is subjective, but I just factually know I'm naturally ugly. Anytime I have ever taken off my makeup around someone who hasn't seen me with it on, I don't get any specific phrases saying I look good, fine, or the same. Basically not the stuff u usually hear people say to girls who complain about how they look without makeup, when they look completely fine. I know it's not my fault that I look like this. It's just genetics, and I can only do so much aside from reconstructive surgery, which I can't afford, to improve on my natural looks. But I can't even begin to explain the self loathing I experience. I don't want to even be beautiful, I just want to be average. To feel comfortable not putting on makeup. I can't go to doctors appointments, or even join FaceTime calls without having makeup on. I cry everytime I stare at myself in the mirror for over a minute. I have been in therapy for years and I haven't gained a single ounce of love for myself physically even after trying to work on it for so long. This also affects my love life. I refuse to believe I can be TRULY loved, and don't let myself get into romantic connections because I know that once someone sees me without makeup, they'll feel lied to. And I obviously do not want to have a fake front and put someone through that. It wouldn't be fair. I'm just so sick and tired of going through this emotionally. Not a single day or second in my life have I ever felt confident, because even with makeup on, I know how I look under it. I would not wish this level of hatred on my worst enemy. Does anyone understand or relate to this?

 

[silligant]

I can relate primarily to your sense of self loathing, but rather than concerning looks it concerns personality. I am an irredeemably self-centered person, irretrievably lost in an atrocious sea of selfishness. That is but part of the problem; my work ethic is abysmal and I struggle to get anything of any sort done. I constantly bungle things, and mess up everything I land myself in; I'm a pathological liar and constantly make false promises to others, that are highly unrealistic, especially for someone as lazy as me.

I am also quite socially inept, and have never had anyone closer than a loose and distant friend (usually I'd play a third wheel to a normal friend group); it's unlikely I ever will, too. It is a quite terrible situation for me and I'd like to get out of it, though even the prospect of escaping it has proven to be torturous emotionally.

I wish you the best. It's a quite unfortunate reality that attractiveness is something you're either lucky enough to have been born with or unlucky enough to lack.

 

[BeAtPeace]

I feel the same way. I actually just posted a similar thread and saw yours. You're not alone

 

[todeswunsch]

I wished makeup could cover my monstrosity.
Some people get to be born unlovable and untouchable and just need to accept it.
Its not fair and we can't do anything about it.
I also loathe every living cell of mine.
I don't like to remember what I am, trying to ignore my existence.
I cant show myself and I feel so lonely here

 

[reallysleepy]

I relate to this and I'm really sorry you are going through it. If I look myself in the mirror I get really sad because of how much I hate my appearance and my body. I feel my body all the time, being there, being wrong. I hate pictures of me and I hate that I don't have visual virtual memories because of that.
I also just want to be average, to not be looked at with disgust, just a regular girl experience.