My suicidal ideation has been almost non-stop since I can remember. Distractions help and I come across as probably a little troubled but mostly normal. I'm able to work but barely. I have a couple of friends but a shitty relationship. I just want to vent somewhere where I won't be completely judged or made to feel guilty. And I think if even just one person sees this I'll feel like I was able to release it.
I want to be dead but I don't want to die. It's kinda like how I want to not be in this relationship but I don't want to end it. I don't want the pain. I don't want to go through excruciating pain that kicks my survival instincts on and makes me regret attempting suicide right before I die. I don't want to possibly survive and then be a vegetable stuck in my head for the rest of my life. But I do want to be dead. I am in constant emotional and physical pain. I have been suicidal since at least 6. I remember being little and asking God to just kill me. All of my life I have felt the bad outweighs the good. Rest and play barely comes. Vacations aren't long enough. Weekends arent long enough. Nights aren't long enough. Peace never lasts long and it makes me yearn an endless sleep. I had a really bad break up in 2014 that made everything severely worse for me. Although I did end up graduating college, I always felt like I was living in borrowed time. Everything hurts emotionally. I don't understand people who love their lives. I just want to scream and cry but I don't even have the energy for that. I'm just completely numb. Anxiety, depression, PTSD, past trauma and constant grief from the loss of my parents. My mom died in 2004 and my dad died in 1999. I do have a son but he lives with his dad and it's not because I did anything wrong. He just prefers his dad and never wants to see me really. He's 16. I hate life so much. The grief and pain never left me. I feel it constantly. I don't know what to do. I've tried therapy and medication and all the things they suggest. I'm too tired. Emotionally I can barely function because of the emotional exhaustion. I feel completely stuck in life. I feel alone and I'm not a bad looking woman. I feel like I'm being humble when I say this. A lot of people would say I'm beautiful and sexy. But it doesn't matter. Whatever that gets me I don't really care for. I'm smart and have a career. I have a car and my credit has been getting better. I'm not too bad off. but it doesn't take away this pain. I can't use any of this to my benefit because it wouldn't make me feel any better. I literally just want to die. I hate myself very very much. Life is great in some ways, but I'll never get better. I just want to die.
That's all. That's all I needed to vent for now.
I want to be dead but I don't want to die. It's kinda like how I want to not be in this relationship but I don't want to end it. I don't want the pain. I don't want to go through excruciating pain that kicks my survival instincts on and makes me regret attempting suicide right before I die. I don't want to possibly survive and then be a vegetable stuck in my head for the rest of my life. But I do want to be dead. I am in constant emotional and physical pain. I have been suicidal since at least 6. I remember being little and asking God to just kill me. All of my life I have felt the bad outweighs the good. Rest and play barely comes. Vacations aren't long enough. Weekends arent long enough. Nights aren't long enough. Peace never lasts long and it makes me yearn an endless sleep. I had a really bad break up in 2014 that made everything severely worse for me. Although I did end up graduating college, I always felt like I was living in borrowed time. Everything hurts emotionally. I don't understand people who love their lives. I just want to scream and cry but I don't even have the energy for that. I'm just completely numb. Anxiety, depression, PTSD, past trauma and constant grief from the loss of my parents. My mom died in 2004 and my dad died in 1999. I do have a son but he lives with his dad and it's not because I did anything wrong. He just prefers his dad and never wants to see me really. He's 16. I hate life so much. The grief and pain never left me. I feel it constantly. I don't know what to do. I've tried therapy and medication and all the things they suggest. I'm too tired. Emotionally I can barely function because of the emotional exhaustion. I feel completely stuck in life. I feel alone and I'm not a bad looking woman. I feel like I'm being humble when I say this. A lot of people would say I'm beautiful and sexy. But it doesn't matter. Whatever that gets me I don't really care for. I'm smart and have a career. I have a car and my credit has been getting better. I'm not too bad off. but it doesn't take away this pain. I can't use any of this to my benefit because it wouldn't make me feel any better. I literally just want to die. I hate myself very very much. Life is great in some ways, but I'll never get better. I just want to die.
That's all. That's all I needed to vent for now.
