Venting Venting / miscellaneous questions

[marconk]

How long have you been suicidal? Was there a clear turning point, or was it more of a gradual process?
Do you think everyone is potentially "cut" for suicide provided they have suffered enough, or does it take a special kind of person?
Is there such a thing as genuine hope or is it just survival instinct in disguise?

I'm not suicidal, but it sort of feels like the next obvious step if things don't get better soon, I feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm in a limbo where I can still somewhat function, albeit very poorly, but I feel like I'm going to break down soon.

Sorry just needed to put this out there somewhere, good luck everyone

 

[Donewith_]

Here is something i saw before a while that some people are at risk of it..

Gene that raises suicide risk identified

The gene appears to be more common in depressed people who have attempted suicide than in those who have not

www.theguardian.com

I'm sorry..you are suffering.
This limbo sucks. I hope things turn around in a good way for you.. else may you find what you want.

 

[Rocksandsand]

I think that everyone has a threshold, but the threshold varies. I used to go to immigration detention centres to provide legal assistance to the detainees. These people were covered in self harm scars and often tried really futile ways to ctb. They also once had the strength to leave their country of origin and make it all the way through the people smugglers and dodgy boats to get to Australia. But the prospect of being stateless and detained forever without the prospect or hope of getting out would finally wear these people down. They had so much strength before being locked up.

I also did legal work for sex workers. Again, self harm was prolific. These people wanted to die after a lifetime of usually horrific circumstances.

We all have the threshold. And it doesn't matter what pushes you to that if you're set on CtB, the point is that you're there. The limbo feeling is horrible. I am there with you.

 

[sanction]

For myself, my reason to CTB is mainly due to constant financial and relationship stress. I just feel we are only alive for a few decades or so, and then will ultimately become old, sick and die no matter what. So if I can find a way to make the journey more smooth and worth the ride, then sure. If not, then why prolong the suffering for decades, since I will end up dying anyways. If I CTB, at least I can end things on my own terms, and prevent decades of more of life's struggles. I'm going back and forth nearly every single day between whether to continue living and put lots of efforts into fixing things and improving my quality of life, versus just giving up and CTB. Its a torture. I will most likely CTB though, just to save the hassle, since we will ultimately end up dying in the end anyways either way, so I feel its rather pointless and not worth all the effort. But its easier said than done, due to scared of failing and end up disabled with permanent damage, and also hurting those around you

 

[ThriveOrDie]

I think most of us here have been suicidal for many years. I think any one can be pushed to suicide if there is intense prolonged suffering and no way out.

 

[GreyMonkey]

I've had ideation since early teens, generally when things got too hard. It would often pass... I'd have periods of time, sometimes a month or sometimes a week or sometimes a couple of days where I'd be super low and I'd start thinking about it.

Then after relationship breakups I'd fall into a dark place that would last a long time, often a year or more.

This is the worst I've ever been now. I actually ordered SN today, thats the biggest step I've ever taken towards it.

The effort to get out of this seems way too hard and I just don't seem to have the energy anymore. I guess when I was younger I was more resilient and I could hang onto dreams of somehow someday it all getting 'better'... those dreams have been shattered too many damn times now and reality has hit me super hard showing me that I just don't actually seem to have what it takes to live the life I most want to. The pain of realising that is crushing me.

I'm still in limbo though. I doubt I'll follow through because of my parents, yet somehow taking a step towards it seems super surreal.

 

[Bathsheba]

For myself, my reason to CTB is mainly due to constant financial and relationship stress. I just feel we are only alive for a few decades or so, and then will ultimately become old, sick and die no matter what. So if I can find a way to make the journey more smooth and worth the ride, then sure. If not, then why prolong the suffering for decades, since I will end up dying anyways. If I CTB, at least I can end things on my own terms, and prevent decades of more of life's struggles. I'm going back and forth nearly every single day between whether to continue living and put lots of efforts into fixing things and improving my quality of life, versus just giving up and CTB. Its a torture. I will most likely CTB though, just to save the hassle, since we will ultimately end up dying in the end anyways either way, so I feel its rather pointless and not worth all the effort. But its easier said than done, due to scared of failing and end up disabled with permanent damage, and also hurting those around you

Totally with you on this. Ending things on my own terms is a big deal. I guess that's the essence of this forum.. the right to choose how we end our own life. It should be a basic right. I definitely have no interest in being old, ill and suffering a painful death anyway, with less opportunity to end my own suffering my way.
I've thought about suicide since age 15 but the turning point into it becoming a definite decision to ctb for me was weirdly when I got on anti depressants a couple of years ago. It obliterated my anxiety and fear over death and once that was gone I realised I wanted to embrace it as a choice for me. When I'm done I'm done and dying doesn't scare me at all.

 

[sanction]

Totally with you on this. Ending things on my own terms is a big deal. I guess that's the essence of this forum.. the right to choose how we end our own life. It should be a basic right. I definitely have no interest in being old, ill and suffering a painful death anyway, with less opportunity to end my own suffering my way.
I've thought about suicide since age 15 but the turning point into it becoming a definite decision to ctb for me was weirdly when I got on anti depressants a couple of years ago. It obliterated my anxiety and fear over death and once that was gone I realised I wanted to embrace it as a choice for me. When I'm done I'm done and dying doesn't scare me at all.

Its comforting to hear we're not alone on these difficult topics. And yes, I definitely agree about the getting old part. Can't imagine already having gone through a ton of bullshit in life, just to add getting old and sick to the never ending list. Dealing with health issues, regular visits to hospitals alone, surgeries, therapy, rely on strangers such as doctors and nurses to take care of you (honestly just doing it for the money), then dealing with loneliness at an old age, further financial stress during senior years, and finding ways to survive through all this...... just to freaking die in the end?? Literally sounds like a scam lol

 

[woxihuanni]

Its comforting to hear that we're not all alone on some of these difficult topics. And yes, I definitely agree about the getting old part. Can't imagine already having gone through a ton of bullshit in life, just to add getting old and sick to the never ending list. Dealing with health issues, regular visits to hospitals alone, do therapy, surgeries, rely on strangers such as doctors and nurses to now take care of you (who are honestly just doing it for the money), and then dealing with loneliness at an old age, further financial stress during senior years, and finding ways to survive through all this...... just to freaking die in the end after all the effort?? Literally sounds like a scam lol

I'm the last one to say hang on and suffer through it, but the bit about doctors and nurses is not always true. I know a nurse who wants to ctb, and the only thing she still enjoys in life is helping her patients. Sometimes receiving the help we need from someone helps them, too.

 

[marconk]

I've had ideation since early teens, generally when things got too hard. It would often pass... I'd have periods of time, sometimes a month or sometimes a week or sometimes a couple of days where I'd be super low and I'd start thinking about it.

Then after relationship breakups I'd fall into a dark place that would last a long time, often a year or more.

This is the worst I've ever been now. I actually ordered SN today, thats the biggest step I've ever taken towards it.

The effort to get out of this seems way too hard and I just don't seem to have the energy anymore. I guess when I was younger I was more resilient and I could hang onto dreams of somehow someday it all getting 'better'... those dreams have been shattered too many damn times now and reality has hit me super hard showing me that I just don't actually seem to have what it takes to live the life I most want to. The pain of realising that is crushing me.

I'm still in limbo though. I doubt I'll follow through because of my parents, yet somehow taking a step towards it seems super surreal.

I think I can relate, I've been depressed since my early teens but I also used to have dreams, resilience and this naive belief that things would turn out to be okay in the end. As I'm getting older, that hope is slowly starting to fade, and the "expectations vs. reality" thing is really starting to hurt. I do still have some hope but I think there is a good chance I'm just deluding myself at this point.